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Advice Needed Desperately

I am new here. I came across this sight by accident when i was googling wife wont sleep with me. Anyway i have read a few stories here today but i am desperately in need of some advice.

Please bear with me in my first attempt to tell of my misery.

I work and live a comforable lifestyle. I have a nice house, cars, and children. That said i feel i am a punching bag to my wife who for what ever reason wont sleep with me. 7 months and still counting.

I work and pay all the bills and pull a hefty share of the housework as well. Meanwhile my so called wife sits at home, spends our money on herself, and refuses to be intimate with me. That said the upkeep of our house is poor considering the free time she has on her hands Our kids our of school age so she has 6 hours to herself 5 days a week. You would think some housework would be done. No she goes out most days with her friends drinking coffee, shopping, etc, than waits for me to come home to assist her with the housework.

As you could understand mentioning this problem to my friends is embarassing so it is a subject i keep to myself and just suffer in silence.

The other day i tried to tell a friend and he just said its my fault for not offering any consequences.

I just want to ask has anyone here experienced the same problem and what consequences did you offer your partner as a result of their behavour.

Please help as i need some advice on how to get some power back in the relationship cause at the moment i am a meal ticket and punching bag.
punchbag2012 punchbag2012 41-45, M 11 Responses Jul 4, 2012

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Good luck, and i hope you are able to find happiness one way or the other...<br />
<br />
not to be too negative...but if she is not having sex with you, she may be in someone else's bed, right? sorry to say it, but you need to prepeare fro divorce...even if you do not need it and you do reconcile. keep the docs and emails seperate from home, always...

I once was that wife, except I worked full time. The reason I acted this way was because I was bored and became too comfortable. There was no mystery or excitement. Passion was lost. I had zero interest in him as far as intimacy goes. We ended up getting divorced. However, that only lasted 13 months. We are married again and are better than ever. That is an extreme action and I don't suggest divorce. What I do suggest is taking time for yourself and have experiences outside of your relationship. (I'm NOT talking about naughty things), more like a hobby. There has to balance as not to put a further wedge between the two of you. Plan a vacation or do some activies and visit old hang outs from when you first met. Also, continue helping around the house without complaining. Keeping a messy house, spending money, withdrawal, avoiding home life can be an indictor of depression. I hope I didn't ramble too much. Just know that there areunderlying conditions. Does she resent anything? I know I resented my husband for not being supportive when I went back to school at 27. I gave up school at 20 in order to work full time just so we could afford to rent a house with a garage for him. Sounds silly, but I was angry for years. Garage over education? That was my fault not his, but I still blamed him. Good luck! Go buy her some flowers. :)

Oh Punch...I am the a female and, married 25 years. I have done this to my husband too. Not as extreme, but the sex...was never good so...I withdrew. I am a wonderful housekeeper, organizer and Mom...but...if someone does not want to be intimate, maybe the attraction is just not there. Talk to her, love her, be spontanoius and ignite the love you once had. You have children so there was some connection. Find it again.

Good for you and sorry to hear about your situation.. since my husbands illness and not being able to work I can kinda relate to the being the main caregiver and income holder in the house... I wish you all the best hopefully you will get all you need from this site and you setting your foot down will snap your wife out of this and hopefully she will start appreciating you...

Hi Punch Bag<br />
<br />
Let me begin with you have my sympathies regarding what you are going through. I read in your response to Baz that you were inspired by my advice and and how i dealt with my problamatic wife.<br />
<br />
Let me say if you are going to take a similiar approach you need to get your exit plan in working order and most importantly Baz hit the nail on the head DO NOT BLUFF HER, any threat you use has to be carried out cause if it aint she will lose respect for you even further.<br />
<br />
I would suggest its high time You Relegated her to Room Mate Status and told her so. I would also cancel any joint accounts and Credit Cards you have issued to her cause i gather you are the primary holder as you work and she doesn't. Roomates dont pay for the others bills and expenses do they? If possible move out to a spare room.<br />
<br />
Tell her that you will not be subsiding her lifestyle any further as she has become a Roomate. If and when she is willing to sit down with you and work on your marriage like adults than you will reconsider doing your husbandly duties of providing for her lifestyle etc.<br />
<br />
For this to happen she has to start respecting you, offering up sex, and keeping a clean house etc without waiting for you to subsidise her end of the houswork.<br />
<br />
Now it is most important that you make an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer and find out how a Divorce will affect you, primarily given that she has leached off you for so long you will probably find any potential settlement will be favourable to her. But at least you will be armed with valuable information. You can then ba<x>se you exit plan around that.<br />
<br />
The advice i have given will probably bring things to a head one way or another.<br />
<br />
1) She will probably blow a gasket and initiate Divorce.<br />
2) She might realise that her party on your time is up and you will no longer foot the bill for her crap, and make a genuine attempt at change and possibly there will be a redrawing up of the contract of understanding within the marriage or<br />
3) She will fake an attempt at change where sex will be free flowing for a while until she feels safe and tries to return to her old habits.<br />
<br />
Only time will tell. Either way you need to tally up the bill and present her with the account owing as this account is way overdue.<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

Hi Frustrated

Thank you for your advice. As mentioned earlier i was inspired by your method of handling similiar issues and what you did with your wife. I actually tried to implement some change last night. I will be posting about this later. Reading the comments on here have been insightful and a real eye opener.

First of all, you need to accept one over-bearing truth that will lead you to freedom: YOUR WIFE DOES NOT LOVE YOU AND SHE PROBABLY NEVER DID. <br />
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You know it. All of your friends and neighbors know it. <br />
<br />
Join the club. We all know how you feel. <br />
<br />
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Second, you need to accept that this will NEVER get better. <br />
Just ask any woman in this club how it feels to repeatedly fake passion and have sex with a man she does not love. After a while, the only thing she can do is refuse. <br />
<br />
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Third, you need to call up a divorce lawyer. I bet you $10K that if you tell 10 random lawyers: " My wife refuses to have sex with me. What do you predict? " they will laugh at you and ask you for the name of your wife's lawyer. <br />
Your parasitic wife has a long term plan for herself and Love For You is categorically not part of it. You are a stepping stone in her life. <br />
<br />
<br />
Fourth, you need to check out www DOT secretdivorce DOT com for clarity. <br />
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Seven months and counting?!?? <br />
You should have called a divorce lawyer six months ago. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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I bet you an other $10K that you will not follow my advice and a year from now you will wish you had. <br />
<br />
See you in 365!

Actually Ron I have heard almost that response from several divorce lawyers. No sex? Yeah, the marriage is over. It may be a matter of time before you sign the papers but the writing is on the wall for them at that point.

Welcome to ILIASM. You've started reading, please continue and read extensively. Get to know how the site works - the stories, the forum, favorites, etc. You'll find advice here. With nearly 30,000 members now, most of it has already been said.

I suggest this is something you work up to. You are not used to setting boundaries with her. Start small. Tomorrow, leave her a short to do list. Don't be pissed off that you have to do it. Just say "honey, there are a few things that I'd like you to do today while I'm at work so I can relax a when I get home." <br />
<br />
List #1 might look like this: <br />
<br />
- Prepare dinner in the crocpot (or something else that will be easy, and make cleaning up not an issue)<br />
- Clean x, y, z<br />
<br />
Then get in the habit of making these lists. This may or may not get her to pony up and do her part. But the important thing is that you SET and communicate your expectations. She can't read your mind, so make sure you are actually telling her what you want. <br />
<br />
As regards the sex: standard advise is to prepare for divorce, then give ultimatum. Didn't work for me, until I actually said "I want a divorce." Great sex suddenly appeared. Then I felt like I had been used in some way, not actually desired...anyway...

"honey, there are a few things that I'd like you to do today while I'm at work so I can relax a when I get home." Sorry, that should read "... so WE can relax when I get home". Right???

Yeah. Something like that. Hell, even if it's 'so I can watch bowling on TV' it doesn't matter. Dude needs to set limits.

Chai, I'm not so sure about that. If she's got 6 hours a day she's spending with her girlfriends and expects him to work all day and come home and then help her clean up the house... something's rotten in Denmark here. I've been a non-working person for exactly 16 months of my life, ever. But I was in graduate school carrying 18 graduate hours every semester and 9 in the summers. And I also did side jobs and substitute taught when school was light. And guess what?? I cooked and cleaned at least 50%. If I was a total stay at home person, dinner would be ready and the house would be clean every day. Ok so I'm not the greatest housekeeper. I might get a pt job to pay a housekeeper to come do that a few days a week... but you get my point. If he works and she doesn't, to me it is her job to keep the house clean. If she chooses not to, she should have to do so while HE relaxes. I get tired of hearing about all these kept women taking advantage of good men. Seriously.

And before I get flamed, if you have small children you are caring for at home (not school aged kids who are out of the house most of the day like the OP had) that to me is considered full time plus work. When the kids go to school and you become a socialite without fulfilling your obligations in your marriage I think you're being ungrateful. And there is nothing in the world that makes me more disgusted than ingratitude.

1 More Response

In business, in relationships, and in dysfunctional marriages, the Maximum Concession you make rapidly becomes the other persons Minimum Expectation.<br />
<br />
That is what got you to where you are now. You conceded, she took that concession, and then some. So you concede a bit more, she took that plus a bit extra.<br />
<br />
So you have been throwing cards away left right and centre. You are down to your last card. It's the biggie. The one you thought you'd never have to play, the one you don't want to play. The one you fear playing.<br />
<br />
You need some information about this card, and how much upping the ante is going to cost you when you play it. See a lawyer in your jurisdiction and find out what a divorce is going to involve. From that information put an exit strategy together and knock it into do-able shape.<br />
<br />
Once you have that do-able exit strategy to back up your hand, play the card. Either set the divorce in progress there and then, or use it as a negotiating tool WITH A SHORT FINITE TIMEfr<x>ame for her to attempt an heroic turnaround in attitude. (You may even get a short term turnaround for a week, mebbe a month)<br />
<br />
You've frittered away all your other cards by your concessions. This is all you have left. You have to go "all in". You haven't got a choice (other than choosing indefinite misery).<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Thanks for your advice. I have been given some harsh reality. I have been reading up on here since i posted and i am inspired by what Frustrated1978 did and his method of advice to others as well. I will try and put some of his ideas to work beginning tonight. I guess we will just have to wait and see if they work

You need that big card in do-able shape. Please don't attempt to "bluff" her by saying something you ain't prepared to deliver on. What you 'say' has to be something you'll 'do'.

Hi Punch Bag

Let me begin with you have my sympathies regarding what you are going through. I read in your response to Baz that you were inspired by my advice and and how i dealt with my problamatic wife.

Let me say if you are going to take a similiar approach you need to get your exit plan in working order and most importantly Baz hit the nail on the head DO NOT BLUFF HER, any threat you use has to be carried out cause if it aint she will lose respect for you even further.

I would suggest its high time You Relegated her to Room Mate Status and told her so. I would also cancel any joint accounts and Credit Cards you have issued to her cause i gather you are the primary holder as you work and she doesn't. Roomates dont pay for the others bills and expenses do they? If possible move out to a spare room.

Tell her that you will not be subsiding her lifestyle any further as she has become a Roomate. If and when she is willing to sit down with you and work on your marriage like adults than you will reconsider doing your husbandly duties of providing for her lifestyle etc.

For this to happen she has to start respecting you, offering up sex, and keeping a clean house etc without waiting for you to subsidise her end of the houswork.

Now it is most important that you make an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer and find out how a Divorce will affect you, primarily given that she has leached off you for so long you will probably find any potential settlement will be favourable to her. But at least you will be armed with valuable information. You can then base you exit plan around that.

The advice i have given will probably bring things to a head one way or another.

1) She will probably blow a gasket and initiate Divorce.
2) She might realise that her party on your time is up and you will no longer foot the bill for her crap, and make a genuine attempt at change and possibly there will be a redrawing up of the contract of understanding within the marriage or
3) She will fake an attempt at change where sex will be free flowing for a while until she feels safe and tries to return to her old habits.

Only time will tell. Either way you need to tally up the bill and present her with the account owing as this account is way overdue.

Stay Strong &amp; Good Luck

Alright, a paragraph or two in and it became pretty damn clear what's going on.<br />
Your wife is with you BECAUSE you are doing all those things, providing, paying the bills, and she has to do NOTHING.<br />
You are a punching bag and a doormat and you are being taking advantage of soooo bad, yet you keep trying even harder to to please her in hopes that she will one day realize all you do and be happy and want to have sex with you.<br />
Hmmm....that's a no.<br />
<br />
While many women would love a guy so eager to please and try to make them happy, you are wasting your efforts on this one.<br />
She will continue to act like this until you put your foot down.<br />
Stop giving her your money to blow.<br />
Tell her you will give her some money when she starts doing housework and pulling her weight around there.<br />
As for the sex....I might have to think on this one and come back because I don't understand how anyone would want to have sex/be intimate with such a poisonous, ungrateful, leech of a spouse.

Let me simplify your situation. Your job is to provide a lifestyle, and your spouses job is to live it. <br />
<br />
Over time, your spouse can lose respect for you. This leads to falling out of love, which leads to less sex. And since you have kids, she probably doesn't think you will ever leave.<br />
<br />
You certainly aren't alone. Read the other stories here.<br />
<br />
My first piece of advice is to start doing what you did as a bachelor. If there is a decision to made, think what you would do as a single person. Don't worry so much about what your wife might think. I mean really, what is she going to do? Cut you off from sex? That's already happening.<br />
<br />
Doing this will improve your self esteem and raise your level of confidence.In some rare cases you might even see some immediate improvement. but mostly, you will just be making yourself happier, which will pay dividends down the road as you work to resolve issues with your spouse.

Just like I used to say when I was in Vietnam, "What can they do? Send me to Vietnam?"