Living In Yesterday Keeps Me Fron Today

I suppose that I have become comfortable with being angry at others who don't live up to my expectations. I feel they should have been kinder, gentler, more forgiving and affectionate. It is easier to stay angry and try and coerce sympathy than it is to address the causes of my anger.

My biggest fear is abandonment.
My first love, Stacey, abandoned my for a friend of mine.
My next "girl friend" Jill, abandoned me for a man with more $$ (she also cheated on me).
My mother abandoned me for a bottle of wine.
My wife has physically abandoned me.

I have every reason to be angry, but will it help me? I want satisfaction, I want apologies, I want reparations....I want, I want....

Life IS not fair... I really want a perfect world, and there is not one this side of heaven. I must forgive these people for what I feel they have done to me... because in forgiving them, I ca forgive myself for not being perfect either. We do the best we can with what we have... some have more, some have less.

What I fail to acknowledge to myself is that I am not perfect an cannot be a perfect companion, husband, lover or son anymore than those I feel have failed me!

I was very selfish in my relationship with Stacey. I demanded what she could not give and didn't give her what she needed... I placed my own needs first.
I used Jill to get sex... she used me for what ($$) she could get from me.
My mother was ill with alcoholism, and did not choose to abandon her family.
My wife has horrible side effects from the anti-depressants she needs to take (she has depression, grew up with an overbearing mother, and was raped in high-school).

I can choose to concentrate on all these negative experiences, but doing so will keep me from living now. I may be justified for being angry, but anger feeds on me and consumes me. There is no good end to being angry at another person who is just as fallable as you. I am trying to make the choice to be positive. I am trying to be positive about my current circumstances. I will also try to make positive choices that will help me get to where I want to be.
cvann5 cvann5
51-55, M
5 Responses Jul 4, 2012

So if I understand your post correctly you didn't treat Stacey well and then got angry when she left you. Then you used Jill for sex and got angry when she left you. So you can treat people however you want but if they don't consider your feelings your deserve apologies and reparations? No offense intended and it's good your letting go of your anger but ba<x>sed on your letter I don't see what you could possibly have to be angry about. There's a huge double standard for your behavior versus the behavior you expect of others. Perhaps this is not how you intended to come off and if so my apologies. otherwise you might seek therapy for this. Have you spent any time evaluating how you treat others?

Just want to add my sympathies for your mother abandoning you, that is in no way your fault. perhaps you have some general anger toward women thanks to her?

To be honest, I had not considered that... thanks for giving me something to think about.

I "get" what you are saying, however, the reasons you list for your wife not having sex ARE nothing more then sexcuses - spelled correctly. Wah I had an awful life hence I can not perform. It's crap. You can choose not to be angry and that's healthier for you, but don't excuse the behavior - it's bunk. She chooses to not be intimate with you.

I'm sure none of these people set out deliberately to hurt YOU. However, their choices had consequences, one of which was that you were hurt.<br />
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Why don't you take that lesson and move on to people who are less likely to make choices that will result in you being hurt? And take lesson in how you made choices that hurt others, and figure out a way to make other choices?<br />
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That way you are not reacting in anger, you are learning from your experiences, and bettering your life.

I have read your comments to severel...
and u r a very insightful person!
I aplode you honesty...

I've also been struggling with trying to live in the day and not in the pain of the past. Every day gets better, and every day I have more hope. For me the turning point was when I realized the problem was not me. It was who I was with. True, that was a choice I made, I chose to be with that person, and I chose to do things that made me unhappy to make her happy. But that choice is still a choice, so I chose to be gone. <br />
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One thing you should do is get in a support group for adult children of alcoholics. My wife's mom was a severe alcoholic, and the damage that did played a large role in our divorce. She just never did anything to even recognize the major issues she was having.

"Positive" choices = good.<br />
"Informed" choices = even better.<br />
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Positive and Informed are not the same thing.<br />
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Many choices we have to make in life are not pleasant, uplifting, positive. Sometimes you have to make **** choices - or choose between which option is the "least worst".<br />
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Tread your own path.