Living In Yesterday Keeps Me Fron TodayI suppose that I have become comfortable with being angry at others who don't live up to my expectations. I feel they should have been kinder, gentler, more forgiving and affectionate. It is easier to stay angry and try and coerce sympathy than it is to address the causes of my anger.
My biggest fear is abandonment.
My first love, Stacey, abandoned my for a friend of mine.
My next "girl friend" Jill, abandoned me for a man with more $$ (she also cheated on me).
My mother abandoned me for a bottle of wine.
My wife has physically abandoned me.
I have every reason to be angry, but will it help me? I want satisfaction, I want apologies, I want reparations....I want, I want....
Life IS not fair... I really want a perfect world, and there is not one this side of heaven. I must forgive these people for what I feel they have done to me... because in forgiving them, I ca forgive myself for not being perfect either. We do the best we can with what we have... some have more, some have less.
What I fail to acknowledge to myself is that I am not perfect an cannot be a perfect companion, husband, lover or son anymore than those I feel have failed me!
I was very selfish in my relationship with Stacey. I demanded what she could not give and didn't give her what she needed... I placed my own needs first.
I used Jill to get sex... she used me for what ($$) she could get from me.
My mother was ill with alcoholism, and did not choose to abandon her family.
My wife has horrible side effects from the anti-depressants she needs to take (she has depression, grew up with an overbearing mother, and was raped in high-school).
I can choose to concentrate on all these negative experiences, but doing so will keep me from living now. I may be justified for being angry, but anger feeds on me and consumes me. There is no good end to being angry at another person who is just as fallable as you. I am trying to make the choice to be positive. I am trying to be positive about my current circumstances. I will also try to make positive choices that will help me get to where I want to be.
cvann5 51-55, M 5 Responses 1 Jul 4, 2012