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No Sex...and Married Less Than Two Years.

I am 31 years old and my husband in 32. We dated for about 3 years before we eloped. Our sex life was ok, not great, before then, and by that, I only mean he has never wanted sex as often as I did. I am not sex crazed, I assure you, but I had expectations of a normal helathy sex life with my partner (intamacy at least weekly). I am plump and not Miss America and my husband is a big guy, but I have always found him to be handsome. We moved back to very small hometown after we were both laid off from jobs in the city. My husband, to say the least, had a nervous breakdown. He hated our home, my family, my dog, our new town, and pretty much me too. He said that I ruined his life bringing him to my hometown. He gained about 70lbs (he refused to find a job in our new town because he hated the people in it) not working and getting back on anti-depressants. The last time that we had sex was June 31, 2011, about 6 months after we got married and the sex that we did have in the months prior to our final romp, he did not get satisfaction/release. I got upset about it at first and told him that without intamacy, he is just becoming a roomate that I support. I warned him that without it, I feel that I may seek it elswhere. This does not seem to faze him. I have, like many, moved my efforts onto other things, most importantly getting certified to teach and begin a career change. I have landed a great job in a large city and money will no longer be such a problem. But so much has changed in this last year, and that desire, and sadly, my feeliings toward my husband are very different. I no longer love him that way. He has been such a nightmare of misery this last year and without that physical intimacy, I have felt more and more like his caregiver or mother; a complete turnoff. So, should I take him with me on this new journey to my great new job in a great city? It seems like the perfect time for a fresh, new start. Or do I owe him this? I DID bring him to a place that he had no desire to come to, but what were our options!? We were unemployed and SINKING. He spent our entire time here sulking, losing his mind, and being miserable, where as I turned around, studied for my teaching certification, worked, had garage sales, sold crafts and did EVERYTHING to keep us afloat! Maybe he will be happier in this new place with me? I am so sad. I don't want to be a statistic. I know that this will sound weak, but I also REALLY dont want to be alone again. I was alone for many years (and I enjoyed it!) but I WANTED to get married and be with someone. Can that intimate love ever come back? I have read that this is considered emotional abuse...thoughts? I have never talked about this with anyone, because I don't want people to give advice (prob for me to leave him) and then I don't take it, and then its awkward. Relying on the imput of this strange community I have just stumbled across (at work ;). Thanks.
tickinggrass tickinggrass 31-35 11 Responses Jul 5, 2012

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There's no June 31st.

You are young, you should bail. No kids, find someone to give you what you want and need.

I've found myself unemployed a few times in my career. It happens to the best of us. But I always worked hard to find a way to support my family. At no point would I have given up because I didn't like where I was at.



In this situation, your appearances don't matter much. Either your husband completely supports you, or you aren't supported. If you don't have kids, then now is the time to move on without him. This was a test to see what your H was made of. He didn't pass. You can do better. And if you start a family, wouldn't you really want someone who would fight for your well being through thick and thin?



Think about it.

Your proposed "fresh start" for you two only has one upside as far as I can see.



That being that you will be miserable at a different locality which might be a bit more picturesque or have better coffee shops.



Now a slight revision to the plan - a fresh start for YOU (and cutting the drone loose) - has many many many upsides.



It's a no brainer.



But involves the cost of going through a bit of **** to cut him loose.



Tread your own path.

I am going to make a provocative suggestion, and it is only a SUGGESTION, because there is really nothing in your story to suggest it, but has the thought ever crossed your mind that he may regard you as a control freak? That you decide what's what and that if he wants to, he gets to tag along? You think you are just being confident, positive, the solution-creator but he just sees you as someone who knows what she wants, goes out to get it and to hell with the collateral consequences?



Remember, this is about how he is thinking, not how you are thinking or how I am thinking. The facts don't have to fit the circumstances in order for this to be true at all. It may be that he is misinterpreting you or even that you are misinterpreting how you present to others. It was reading an article in a newspaper here today that has just put the thought in my head. It is about a woman who is 39 and never sustained a relationship for very long. She has always thought herself as being confident and witty but all of a sudden her friends and even her family are telling her that she is 'snippy', that she undermines the men she attempts to form relationships with. I'm sure that it is probably not relevant to you but you might like to read the article for yourself.



Are women like me too critical to attract a man?



http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2168854/Are-women-like-clever-attract-man.html#ixzz1zn9SP6Iz



Frankly it is a disreputable rag so read it with a pinch of salt, but you might find it interesting nevertheless.

If he didn't react to you threatening to find affection/intimacy elsewhere, you have to wonder that he either doesn't take you seriously, or he thinks your're just a woman pms'ing. Either is bs as we know, and it's not likely he will change. If he's so unhappy there, then maybe you two living apart will be the thing he needs to go off somewhere else on his own that will make him happy.

How could not like your dog?

Usually, I say oh, go to counseling and blah blah. This has been a year and he hasn't made any efforts? My husband had been trying through many many many (7) years of therapy until last year. I didn't mind that he quit therapy because it had been going nowhere for months. In other words, there is no real reason behind his problem - except there's a new problem.

"He hated our home, my family, my dog, our new town, and pretty much me too. He said that I ruined his life bringing him to my hometown. He gained about 70lbs (he refused to find a job in our new town because he hated the people in it) not working and getting back on anti-depressants." + HUGE sex problem... Do you really need all this? He will find reason to be miserable,whatever you do... You are about to waste all your life to this sexless hater of everything... He will not change... My husband was hating everything around him during entire 15 years of our marriage... For several years I thought he had some reasons to be this way... No, he is a hater and he create negative air around him and turn everything into negative(sometimes even things others would consider the strike of luck)...

Note: I would also say "dump the deadbeat" and "run" but I like to start out softly.

LOL - you did start out softly. :)
Sometimes I gotta do the tough love route.

Run! Before it's too late.

In reading the story, he sounds like dead weight....and a deadbeat.

Pouting like a baby and refusing to get a job just because he doesn't like your hometown is pathetic.

Grow up.



You said it yourself - your feelings have changed. You no longer love him in the same way. He is not giving you what you need and he damn sure isn't even taking care of himself. Your threats and warnings do not phase him. He simply does not care. He is not being a responsible, mature adult.



It may be best for you to make a clean break/fresh start.....otherwise I fear you will have to continue taking care of him. You will become absolutely miserable and resentful. Don't let him takeyou down with him.

You said "....sadly, my feeliings toward my husband are very different. I no longer love him that way. He has been such a nightmare of misery this last year and without that physical intimacy, I have felt more and more like his caregiver or mother; a complete turnoff. " Yeah. Got the t-shirt on "nightmare of misery". I must remember that phrase.



Welcome to ILIASM. Please keep reading here - as many stories and comments as you can manage. You will definitely find stories similar to yours.



Search for topics here such as "The Talk", "For Better or for Worse" (you can find that one in my ep blog) and "Marriage Counseling".



You haven't mentioned children, and I recommend you avoid getting pregnant until the relationship is sorted out.