What Once Was

We get ready to go out to a July 4th party. The wife is caressing my arm in the car and holding my hand. Telling me she loves me . We have a grand time with friends and return home to loneliness. Years ago we would go to bed together and make love. Now we don't do BLEEP!
Alljackedup Alljackedup
51-55, M
11 Responses Jul 5, 2012

My husband doesn't even fake it in public. A neighbour, who watched us interact (my husband is very teasy) once said to me at a BBQ, "you two are like brother and sister". She didn't know how true her words were. Actually, my brother shows me more affection!

Neighbors instincts are accurate

Well there is a reason your H behaves the way he does and it has everything to do with his childhood upbringing.

I am certain that most everyone on this site is living with a spouse that has had a difficult childhood. Most of them don't know it, and i bet a lot of us on this site ourselves probably came from some type of dysfunctional childhood as well and don't recognize it.

I thought my childhood was great but as I learn in therapy it was really screwed up as a kid and it is why I am in a bad relationship.

Your H can not show affection. Start watching the interaction in the family unit.

My ex's family showed affection by hitting each other and calling each other names.

Oh yes, his family of origin is a mess. I have always thought that they did a number on him, but now I know exactly how it happened!

My husband also thinks he shows love to my kids by teasing and crap like that, they hate it, and am constantly telling him that he does it, and then he gets the ***** with me. My littlest son, 15, always makes comments to me that his dad doesn't have any time for him, I relay the point, but it gets me know where. It's really sad, as this kid is the most gorgeous, soulful, beautiful spirited boy. And my teen daughter is no 'daddy's girl'. They love him, but they see what he's like and he drives them nuts. I think he's basically grumpy all the time unless he's watching TV. I just hope my kids are not gonna be too scared. I really worry about the daughter, witnessing what I've put up with, that she may be attracted to PA men also. That would kill me.

Well it may not hurt to get them in to some therapy if you notice any behavior changes in them.

Kids can handle a lot but sometimes they hide it better then they should.

Its scary to see the impact that my ex had on my kids. They even see it.

It's just something that you have to do and you know you will do the right things.

Hang in there!

Yes my insurance is paid up. I have 1.5mil on me . Maybe that is why she is stressing me.

...and you are willing to live like this for how long?<br />
<br />
By not calling her on her disregard of your relationship, you are empowering her refusal. Stop it, dead in its tracks, before you fall back on reasons like "we're otherwise happy," or "I've dealt with it for this long...," or my personal favorite "I don't want to upset the kids/break up the family."<br />
<br />
Good luck.

How long am I willing to put up with this? Already have for to long. I have some work I am doing myself to deal with a co dependency problem. This just sucks! At my age this is last call for a married life. I won't sign up for another marriage . I won't have a retirement at this rate. I get another six months behind me on this house remodel and some of this co dependency delt with amd then stop it inits tracks will be the call. And then it will unfold. Just in the process of working on me and then a exit plan will have to be put on place. I hate to think that this won't last. I do love my wife, a good lady just some really difficult problems that I am done helping with. Thanks for the tip!

Sounds to me as if
you are well on your way to
that state of balance
that assists you
living in the state of grace
joyinthejourney, clg

going with the rhythmofgrace

Ah, the refusing spouse putting on public shows of affection. I am fortunate I am not subjected to this, but even if I were, it would not matter to me. If you must feel anything at all, pity their insecurity.<br />
<br />
PS: If you don't bristle when they show you affection in public, sometimes they are suckered into thinking you are "won back again", and they might, after a number of such acts, sidle up for sex on their terms. Don't fall for it. You should be kind to them, but not at the expense of your sanity.

may i please add
"you should be kind to them, while at the same time enforcing the boundaries necessary to guard the heart...
joyinthejourney, clg

Strange. I dont even know what to say. It sounds like she is all lovey till you get home? That would totally suck. At least my stbx was just as unloving in public as she was at home, so I knew not to expect anything at home, LOL

At least she held your hand. I just got to pay for everything.

You know the score and it seems that she does not love you the way you want to be loved. In the end you have a choice. Each choice carries its own pain and consequence.

I am truly sympathetic. She is who she is, you didn't cause it and you can't cure it.

Yes you are right.

She has read the diary (your previous story) for sure, and now embarks upon tactics to return things to the status quo before they get too out of hand.<br />
<br />
You had the initiative there for a moment. Looks like she has it back again now.<br />
<br />
Continued drudgery awaits you.<br />
<br />
Did you ever see that lawyer to establish the facts of how a divorce would shake out in your jurisdiction ?<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

So she thinks. I have my work cut out for me at this time and your advice will be put in place. I know when I aproach her with all that I am working on and the changes I will have to have in our relationship ( there is a lot more besides sex going on ) she will agree and swear to make change. The problem that she has is she can not change and that will have to be brought to her attention through her failures. She will then get it. Her mother raised her and she needs to discover that she is her mothers daughter and she has a lot of her mothers personality traits. Once she gets it, then, and only then will she be the easiest to deal with. I know what I need to do here and appreciate your tips.

That is truly one of the hardest part of a sexless marriage expecially when you go out anywhere socially or they give you inklings that they might possibly want to have some sex... nothing worse than a let down..or a harsh reminder of how things used to be.. I wish you all the best!

I'll second that!

Yes you are right. I do not show much affection like I used to. I don't flirt with her at all. Refuse to sleep in the same bed and I turn my head when she changes clothes. I have been this way to long! Yes you are right. Thanks.

I am finally<br />
after over 10<br />
long<br />
lonley years<br />
in the process of separating...<br />
I am sorry for your pain.<br />
Keep reading others stories<br />
It was the thing that opened my eyes to the way things were<br />
instead of how i wanted/needed them to be...<br />
finding, joyinthejourney, clg

I am happy for you. I just want to have a death till we part wife, but it will most likely be me on my own in the end and that will be ok I'd that is what it takes to run my course in my life. Bum deal. I hope to be as happy as you in the next year or so. Thanks for your advice.