I Live In a Sexless Marriage

What Once Was

By: Alljackedup

Written on July 5th, 2012

We get ready to go out to a July 4th party. The wife is caressing my arm in the car and holding my hand. Telling me she loves me . We have a grand time with friends and return home to loneliness. Years ago we would go to bed together and make love. Now we don't do BLEEP!

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By: Alljackedup

Age: 51-55 , Male

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29 responses

toolatetoapologise

My husband doesn't even fake it in public. A neighbour, who watched us interact (my husband is very teasy) once said to me at a BBQ, "you two are like brother and sister". She didn't know how true her words were. Actually, my brother shows me more affection!

Nov 24, 2012
1 like
- Alljackedup
  Neighbors instincts are accurate
  Well there is a reason your H behaves the way he does and it has everything to do with his childhood upbringing.
  I am certain that most everyone on this site is living with a spouse that has had a difficult childhood. Most of them don't know it, and i bet a lot of us on this site ourselves probably came from some type of dysfunctional childhood as well and don't recognize it.
  I thought my childhood was great but as I learn in therapy it was really screwed up as a kid and it is why I am in a bad relationship.
  Your H can not show affection. Start watching the interaction in the family unit.
  My ex's family showed affection by hitting each other and calling each other names.
  
  Nov 24, 2012
  1 like
- toolatetoapologise
  Oh yes, his family of origin is a mess. I have always thought that they did a number on him, but now I know exactly how it happened!
  My husband also thinks he shows love to my kids by teasing and crap like that, they hate it, and am constantly telling him that he does it, and then he gets the ***** with me. My littlest son, 15, always makes comments to me that his dad doesn't have any time for him, I relay the point, but it gets me know where. It's really sad, as this kid is the most gorgeous, soulful, beautiful spirited boy. And my teen daughter is no 'daddy's girl'. They love him, but they see what he's like and he drives them nuts. I think he's basically grumpy all the time unless he's watching TV. I just hope my kids are not gonna be too scared. I really worry about the daughter, witnessing what I've put up with, that she may be attracted to PA men also. That would kill me.
  
  Nov 24, 2012
  1 like
- Alljackedup
  Well it may not hurt to get them in to some therapy if you notice any behavior changes in them.
  Kids can handle a lot but sometimes they hide it better then they should.
  Its scary to see the impact that my ex had on my kids. They even see it.
  It's just something that you have to do and you know you will do the right things.
  Hang in there!
  
  Nov 24, 2012
  1 like
Alljackedup

Yes my insurance is paid up. I have 1.5mil on me . Maybe that is why she is stressing me.

Jul 18, 2012
1 like
flyingstone

Have seen and experienced this story. Now there is no one to pretend and I am happier being alone than with a refuser. If I am ever with anyone again, it is going to be with someone that is thrilled to be with me. No more bait and switch for me.

Jul 6, 2012
4 likes
Warriorpoett

Held your hand waiting for you to die so she can get on with her life. That would be more like what's going on. So are you going to die like she wants you to or are you going to choose to live and get the hell out of there? You have been demoted to maintenance and paycheck provider to support the lifestyle to which she is accustomed but does she make any effort to make your life pleasant in the way that you want it to be? NO so the ball is in your court stay and die a shriveled up caricature of what used to be a man or break free and attempt to resurrect yourself. There are no guarantees but there are a lot of women out there looking for a good man that can ring their bells. So it's your choice. "Message from a shriveled up caricature of what used to be a man."

Jul 6, 2012
2 likes
- clgsassy
  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  Don't you EVER say abusive cruel things to yourself again...
  and i know you must first, voice to yourself before
  you can share with others!
  Throw that critical voice of (dad, wife, mother, etc)out, say enuffff! No more abuse...
  thru neglect,
  overt behaviors,
  physical/emotional/spiritual , and the more subtleforms
  abuse takes advantage of by using the back door of
  passive aggressive behaviors...
  you have begun on one of the most difficult journeys there can be in life...
  gathering up and reclaiming all the
  pieces of yourself {you gave away, no one took them}
  to someone that did not have the vision
  to recognize you were her gift from God,
  and continues to behave as if...you are worthless, of very little value, carelessly ignores the cries of your heart...
  and CHOOSE rejection of alll that brings death, and
  Choose LIFE...NOW!
  Continue to live out loud,
  as you gather the bits and pieces of your heart and reclaim it!
  said this with love and passion,
  clg
  
  Jul 6, 2012
  1 like
- clgsassy
  snnnnaaaaap!
  
  Jul 7, 2012
  1 like
Fienchanny

...and you are willing to live like this for how long?

By not calling her on her disregard of your relationship, you are empowering her refusal. Stop it, dead in its tracks, before you fall back on reasons like "we're otherwise happy," or "I've dealt with it for this long...," or my personal favorite "I don't want to upset the kids/break up the family."

Good luck.

Jul 6, 2012
1 like
- Alljackedup
  How long am I willing to put up with this? Already have for to long. I have some work I am doing myself to deal with a co dependency problem. This just sucks! At my age this is last call for a married life. I won't sign up for another marriage . I won't have a retirement at this rate. I get another six months behind me on this house remodel and some of this co dependency delt with amd then stop it inits tracks will be the call. And then it will unfold. Just in the process of working on me and then a exit plan will have to be put on place. I hate to think that this won't last. I do love my wife, a good lady just some really difficult problems that I am done helping with. Thanks for the tip!
  
  Jul 7, 2012
  1 like
- clgsassy
  Sounds to me as if
  you are well on your way to
  that state of balance
  equilibrium
  that assists you
  in
  living in the state of grace
  joyinthejourney, clg
  
  going with the rhythmofgrace
  
  Jul 7, 2012
  1 like
ulae

Ah, the refusing spouse putting on public shows of affection. I am fortunate I am not subjected to this, but even if I were, it would not matter to me. If you must feel anything at all, pity their insecurity.

PS: If you don't bristle when they show you affection in public, sometimes they are suckered into thinking you are "won back again", and they might, after a number of such acts, sidle up for sex on their terms. Don't fall for it. You should be kind to them, but not at the expense of your sanity.

Jul 6, 2012
1 like
- clgsassy
  may i please add
  "you should be kind to them, while at the same time enforcing the boundaries necessary to guard the heart...
  joyinthejourney, clg
  
  Jul 6, 2012
  1 like
misssunnybunny

Mine was the same way....all loving and caring when others were around, even commenting to friends how sexy I looked or something along those lines, then we'd get home and nothing. All for show. Since our friends are starting to know about the situation and that we are going throughout the divorce process that doesn't happen now.

Jul 6, 2012
2 likes
rob31rob31

Strange. I dont even know what to say. It sounds like she is all lovey till you get home? That would totally suck. At least my stbx was just as unloving in public as she was at home, so I knew not to expect anything at home, LOL

Jul 6, 2012
1 like
alexandra31

I had a similar experience yesterday.

Jul 6, 2012
1 like
R23Olympic

At least she held your hand. I just got to pay for everything.

Jul 5, 2012
3 likes
LaoTzu

You know the score and it seems that she does not love you the way you want to be loved. In the end you have a choice. Each choice carries its own pain and consequence.

Jul 5, 2012
2 likes
cvann5

I am truly sympathetic. She is who she is, you didn't cause it and you can't cure it.

Jul 5, 2012
2 likes
- Alljackedup
  Yes you are right.
  
  Jul 7, 2012
  1 like
bazzar

She has read the diary (your previous story) for sure, and now embarks upon tactics to return things to the status quo before they get too out of hand.

You had the initiative there for a moment. Looks like she has it back again now.

Continued drudgery awaits you.

Did you ever see that lawyer to establish the facts of how a divorce would shake out in your jurisdiction ?

Tread your own path.

Jul 5, 2012
2 likes
- Alljackedup
  So she thinks. I have my work cut out for me at this time and your advice will be put in place. I know when I aproach her with all that I am working on and the changes I will have to have in our relationship ( there is a lot more besides sex going on ) she will agree and swear to make change. The problem that she has is she can not change and that will have to be brought to her attention through her failures. She will then get it. Her mother raised her and she needs to discover that she is her mothers daughter and she has a lot of her mothers personality traits. Once she gets it, then, and only then will she be the easiest to deal with. I know what I need to do here and appreciate your tips.
  
  Jul 7, 2012
  1 like
fiftyshadesdarker

That is truly one of the hardest part of a sexless marriage expecially when you go out anywhere socially or they give you inklings that they might possibly want to have some sex... nothing worse than a let down..or a harsh reminder of how things used to be.. I wish you all the best!

Jul 5, 2012
3 likes
- 88ElmiraSt
  There is no way to survive this other than to completely put out of your mind the idea of physical affection with your refuser. Don't take the safe hugs and the rubs and the kisses. Cut yourself off from it all. Your body will scream for it, but it will be a big step forward in the necessary step of emotionally detaching.
  Unless you still have hope, of course. Okay.
  
  Jul 5, 2012
  1 like
- Fienchanny
  I'll second that!
  
  Jul 6, 2012
  1 like
- Alljackedup
  Yes you are right. I do not show much affection like I used to. I don't flirt with her at all. Refuse to sleep in the same bed and I turn my head when she changes clothes. I have been this way to long! Yes you are right. Thanks.
  
  Jul 7, 2012
  1 like
clgsassy

I am finally

after over 10

long

lonley years

in the process of separating...

I am sorry for your pain.

Keep reading others stories

It was the thing that opened my eyes to the way things were

instead of how i wanted/needed them to be...

finding, joyinthejourney, clg

Jul 5, 2012
3 likes
- Alljackedup
  I am happy for you. I just want to have a death till we part wife, but it will most likely be me on my own in the end and that will be ok I'd that is what it takes to run my course in my life. Bum deal. I hope to be as happy as you in the next year or so. Thanks for your advice.
  
  Jul 7, 2012
  1 like

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