Advice Needed Desperately - Update

I would like to thank everyone for their comments on my story yesterday. I must say some harsh realities were dished out but truthful none the less.

Since posting yesterday i have spent hours reading up on stories here. I must say i have found most useful but was particuarly inspired by Frustrated 1978 posts to others and how he dealt with his issues at home.

At first reading i was concerned about some of his methods as possibly hostile, or extreme, but than as i thought about it and read some more i realised they were neither hostile or extreme. Just plain common sense and a normal way to react to a situation. We just dont see it as we still see our partners as partners we usually are reluctant to think outside the circle.

I particuarly liked his quotes on Relegate your Refuser to Roomate Status and tell them so. Stop paying for their lifestyle, and expenses emotionally financially whatever.

So last night i decided to challenge myself and think outside of my circle. I tried to suppress my fears and made the call to my two banks and cancelled my wife from my accounts.

About 1 hour later i had an enraged call from my wife upset that her cards had been rejected from whatever shop she was trying to spend at.

I must confess that when i got home last night her reaction was explosive. However as my wife realised that i was perhaps serious in my reasons for doing so, i saw something i haven't seen in years from her. A genuine look of concern.

Me and the wife did not share a bedroom last night. She stormed off in to the spare room.

I must say her reaction was unsettling but it felt good to finally feel some self worth.

After reading up on here i am starting to realise that i cant control my wifes actions and her willingness to sleep with me but i can control whether or not i accept her actions or tally up the bill and present her with the account owing as Frustrated says.

I am trying to think in small steps and i am very scared for my future but i would like to thank Baz, Frustrated, and everyone else who contribute to this community here.

I will keep you all updated on events.

punchbag2012 punchbag2012
41-45, M
15 Responses Jul 5, 2012

Yes, any tears from here will be purely for manipulation ...keep your cool, and keep your self respect. If you wind up divorced, oh really must have been a one way shizz of a marriage.<br />
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Take care of yourself.

i would of told her............... see how it feels to want ?

Can't edit comments. The comment above should state' I think this is a horrible tactic' :)

Sorry, but I don't think this is a HORRIBLE tactic.<br />
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What did you do? You got even. You punished her. You didn't even bother to tell her that you were going to cut off the cards. <br />
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No sex, so no money. What is she, a prostitute? Do you really want to resume sex because you financially blackmailed her? <br />
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Believe me, I understand the anger and frustration. The hurt. I was refused for five years straight with no sex at all. But, if your goal is to resume a good sex life, petty revenge and punishment tactics, at best, will only get you obligation sex. And, obligation sex is awful. At worst, you are setting yourself for a retaliation and nasty divorce.<br />
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Power plays will not get you the sex you want. And, you don't need to descend to the level of the refuser to live true to yourself. All one can do is draw one's own boundaries. If a fulfilling sex life is important to you, tell her that you refuse to live in a sexless relationship. Give her a chance to work with you to improve things, but if she can't/won't resume a full marital relationship, LEAVE. <br />
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You can't force, cajole, or beg someone to want to have a intimate relationship with you. And, if your marriage is at the point where you believe those are your only options, you have larger problems then just lack of sex. Lack of respect, communication, and love come to mind. <br />
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I am truly sorry you are in this situation, but this type of behavior is primed to make things worse....not better.

I have found, first through counselling, and through personal experience, that each of us in the relationship, felt that we were doing 100% of our personal effort to make it work, with our partner doing none, and that apparently this is a common feeling for couples to have in this situation. <br />
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How can this be? I would think that it was because we each applied effort in areas that are meaningful to ourselves, but perhaps invisible to our partners. An example? I demonstrate love through really fancy schmancy cooking for my wife, whereas I don't think that sort of thing quite registers at the same level for her.<br />
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It follows that after a long while of that, each of the partners may decide to pull up stakes and offer a bit of "eff you!" instead. That is, pull back on what they offer and instead offer nothing, or go out of their way or take a risk to do little. This is the point where folks decide to have an affair, or, perhaps as in this case, to redefine and declare the nature of the union as being a business or roomate arrangement. In my case, simply choosing to sleep in another room was enough of a catalyst.<br />
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At that point, the Cold War is over and you are either going to get capitulation, negotiation, or a full blown shooting war. With a decentl level of respect in your relationship (which looks like "everything is great, bar the sex"), it might end up with the two of you sitting down and being really creative. The first few iterations of this always start with some variant of "try harder." Those don't work, but folks try them anyway. It's not until later that you start digging at it with a steamshovel, hopefully together.<br />
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If there isn't a lot of respect in the relationship, it's more likely to go more the other way. So, either naked hostility, or it will go underground and ambush you at a time and place of your partner's advantage.<br />
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In either case, the scenario will speed you our of the intolerable place you are both in now, and speed you toward a resolution. Once committed, the only way out is through.

To me this sounds like the nuclear option---and extremely manipulative---which you're probably doing out of anger, not out of the desire to actually fix the relationship. Have you tried talking? Counseling? Taking a trip together and getting away from the house? I definitely would not do this until I had already decided to split. I hope that's what you want, because it sounds like what you're going to get.

I don't think this is a good strategy. No self-respecting person (male or female) would like being forced into this position, and it certainly would not result in an improved, more affectionate marriage.

Repeating: get legal advice ASAP. <br />
I do think this approach is hostile and extreme. However, in yours and Frustrated's cases, it certainly gets attention and accelerates progress. Which direction the progress ... better marriage, or quicker divorce, is yet to be seen. <br />
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This would not have been applicable in my situation, as we both worked full time and kept our personal finances completely separate.

Hmmm. Are we going to call this the "Financial slap-down" tactic? I know of a couple who were married, 2nd time round for both, kids on both sides. His kids grew up, went to school/got jobs, and left home. At a certain point, he told her that having her adult, able-bodied son still living at home, neither working nor attending school, was not acceptable. Son should pay rent, or at least re-enroll in post-secondary education of some type (which husband was happy to pay for). Husband was not willing to subsidize son any more for kid to stay home playing video games and watching TV. Wife quickly divorced husband.

I think it is out of the "MacBeth" school of relationship management Chai.

Well, it would be recommended to have "The Talk" a few times and "try everything" before resorting to this. : )

Whereas I agree with you that a warning would have been more sporting, this one looks like it was always going to end in tears, and by cutting to the chase, he has probably saved a heap of anguish for them both, and got to the end way quicker.

1 More Response

Nice job, showed some balls. Something I've never done. There's many here who advocate bailing but you might have some leeway. You woke her up. Explore that first before you call ADAM.

The shot across the bow might feel good now, but if you are heading towards a separation, then it would be best to plan a good strategy. What you are doing now is just signaling your dissatisfaction in a way that may work against your long term interests.<br />
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I'll echo the others. See a lawyer ASAP.

Punch bag well done. I hope you stick to your guns, and importantly see a Lawyer and find out your rights. <br />
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You have not stated are you still in love with your wife or are you at the point of pulling the pin?<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

I'm going to echo Baz and Frustrated...see a lawyer and quickly. Get a strategy in place. Your wife is going to be doing it or getting advise to do so. <br />
At the same time, give some thought to a counselor who can help you work out the terms that Frustrated has explained, with your wife. You've followed one path for so long. Now, you're changing the rules on her abruptly. It helps to have a dispassionate outside voice to facilitate this. <br />
Just remember, as you reclaim your self and happiness, you will be painted as the bad guy in this. Accept it and focus on the big picture. Good luck.

Choice = Consequence = Next Choice = Next Consequence = Next Choice = and so on.<br />
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That's how life works.For both of you.<br />
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You dithered about and didn't exercise your obligation of choice for quite a while. Now you have. That has put the obligation of choice squarely back on her.<br />
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You won't be able to control the choice she now makes.<br />
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But you WILL be able to control how you respond to whatever choice she makes as a result of this changed dynamic.<br />
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You DO need a do-able exit strategy to underpin your position. And you might need it waaay sooner than you think. Daylight is burning in that respect.<br />
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It IS important that you maintain the initiative in this situation. That ball of choice MUST be passed back and forward between you continually to progressively uncover the core truth(s) for you both. The end result looks after itself.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Thanks Baz. You speak words of wisdom as i have dicovered on here. I had a private chat with frustrated this morning and he echoed the same thoughts. He stressed that i need to vist a Solicitor and find out my rights than formulate an exit plan based on that advice just incase the wife blows her gasket. I will try to call my LAwyer today and arrange an appointment.

Pls keep up your determination. She can hate you, be angry with you etc but she will also respect your determination and decisiveness. That respect may improve your situation.<br />
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Good luck!

Thank you for your support. I must admit i'm afraid but determined to change her perspective of me

Oh, well done. Great first step and showed you were totally justified, as it only took an HOUR for her to be revealed trying to spend more of your money! Cheers to the new regime.