Lonely MarriageI have been married for 24 years and sexless for 20 years. I'm at the point that I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to keep living my life like this. I don't think that it is ever going to change for the better. No matter how hard I try it doesn't make any difference. I am the only one trying. We are two people who live in the same house but have no relationship at all. We don't spend much time together including talking or sharing meals. I moved upstairs because I would rather be totally alone than feel all alone when my spouse is in the same room.
Last year was the worst year of my life. I was having some serious health issues, dealing with constant severe pain, and went through menopause at the same time. I had no help or support from my spouse or friends. I ended up very depressed. I decided that no one understood what I was going through and no one was going to help me. The only thing that I could do was to help myself. That is when things really started going downhill in our relationship. I started thinking about myself and what I needed to do to get healthy. I tried to open up to my husband about my feelings and unhappiness which I always held inside. That's when I was told that I was being selfish.
I went to counceling by myself to try to figure things out on my own. Then I asked my husband to go to marriage counceling, he refused, said it wasn't necessary. He did go to counceling once on his own. He told me that the counselor said he didn't need it because everything was my fault not his. Funny thing is I've never heard of a therapist say that before. Either he did not see a qualified therapist or he didn't tell the whole story. So we are back to everything being my fault.
I believe that marriage should be a partnership with both parties having equal responsibility. Relationships need to grow and change. Each partner needs to help the other. Maybe that is just my fantasy. I do know that I didn't get married to spend my life alone. How can you work on making it better when one person is in denial that anything is wrong or that any fault is theirs? All I am in this marriage is the housekeeper, cook, handyman, and second income. He has never taken any responsibility to help take care of anything. He only comes home to eat, sleep, watch tv and use the computer.
I am taking this entire year as my own personal journey to make myself a better person. I decided to make productive use of my time alone in my room upstairs. I went back to school for something that I have always been passionate about. I am working vey hard to get myself healthy. I have lost 25 pounds so far and feel much better physically. I still struggle mentally and emotionally. I have always struggled with low self esteem. That is the hardest thing to overcome and probably the root of my issues. The constant rejection, denial and blame from my husband only makes how I feel about myself worse. No matter what I do it will never be good enough.
All I want to do is to laugh and have fun again. I want to share my life with someone who truly cares about me and wants to spend time with me. Is that too much to ask? Is that being selfish? I don't know if I can ever let go of the anger, resentment, and pain. I was denied the chance of ever being a mother. That would have required sex or a miracle. My husband has had erectile dysfunction for 20 years and not willing to seek help for it. Somehow that is my fault too. I don't want to be alone anymore. I've already missed out on the best years of my life. I don't know what to do anymore. Can anyone give me some advice?