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Update To Advice Needed Desperately

I would like to thank everybody that commented on my previous stories. I have soaked it all in good or bad.

Now that my wife has cooled down we have sat down and worked out our expectations from the Marriage.

I would like TO STRESS that my actions WERE NOT AS PUNISHMENT and merley a form to reclaiming myself.

I have spoken to Frustrated a number of times on private chat and he has expressed that his way of things had nothing to do with Financial Punsihment but a clear step to reclaim some self confidence, and redraw some boundaries when a relationship falls into a roomate scenario.

Lets face it who pays for their roomates expenses right?? Anyway now that things have been bought to a head we will both be attempting to salvage our marriage for all the usual reasons, kids, finances, house, and yes i do love the girl just not the way she has been treating me of late.

I hope my love is truly returned and not put on for the time being. I guess only time will tell.
punchbag2012 punchbag2012 41-45, M 9 Responses Jul 9, 2012

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Ask yourself if it is the sex you want or ardor and intimacy, to be sexually desired by your spouse. Then consider if your actions have encouraged that. This is just my opinion, to me sexual intimacy is not a transaction, it is a gift of of the self and to oneself, a sharing. Be well.

I agree with rosedl, and I may get slammed for what I'm about to say but I really mean no disrespect.....what you have done is essentially set up a parent child dynamic, where you control all of the finances and she now has to come to you and get your approval. This is generally not good for a sex life as people don't usually want to have sex with their parent; also, as rose pointed out, anything you get will merely be coerced out of financial dependance and you'd be better off hiring someone? At least then she'd be doing it willlingly for money. You may get your sex, at least temporarily, but she will become more and more resentful and ultimately your divorce will be much worse, and she will always have in the back of her mind that if she doesn't live up to your needs you will pull the purse strings. There will be absolutely no trust or intimacy between the two of you. That's a heck of a way to live, for both of you; if it has come to that just end it, because if your wife wants to save the marriage she'll try if you just told her you were thinking of leaving. If your wife is taking care of your kids she is your partner; you are not paying roommate expenses, you are paying family expenses. If this setup is not fair it needs to be renegotiated, but yanking the money chain is dangerous. I sincerely hope that any discussion the two of you have includes not only your needs but hers as well and that you take all reasonable steps to see her needs are met, because since you have assumed a parent role you now have the responsibility of another child. Even if you wife decides she wants to save the marriage and work with you she will always know that she'd better watch her back because if your needs are not met you will simply yank the financial chain. You can't force intimacy and too many people don't seem to understand that sometimes you either have to live with it or end it, unless the other person really wants it. I wish you the best of luck with this but I think there's a high probability that this tactic will fail, and if you ultimately end up in court with a divorce a judge may not look highly upon this tactic. Speak to a lawyer as baaz suggests, and best of luck.

Sorry, going to continue to disagree with the board on this one.



You executed a power play. Your physical needs were not getting met, so you exerted your power in an area where you DO have control. Finances.



Well, it got her attention didn't it? Unlike others, I don't see that as such a hopeful sign in the long term. If she is financially dependent on your support, she most likely is terrified of losing her financial support system. It is not surprising in the least that her first instinct would be to try to negotiate with you to secure her financial well being (and finances are SURVIVAL issues).



So, great. You set up a situation where you forced her hand, and you are executing power over her in much the same way she exacted power over you through denial of sex. This is a lousy foundation to build love and intimacy because it completely is predicated on manipulation rather then trust.



My prediction. She works to appease you, and placates you until she regains her sense of security. And, then you go back to where you started from....



This is a strategy based on coercion, no matter if you meant it as a punishment or not.



And, my question again...Why do you want to have sex with someone you have to coerce with financial blackmail? Take her out of the equation and look at being true to yourself and finding ways to meet your needs without bullying the other person. I am sorry, but I think this is a strategy doomed from the get go.



Probably harsh...but truth often is...

Agree.

Well said. I agree.

Keep us posted on developments, please.

Well done. Take care of yourself...good luck.

You BOTH need tro be careful that your marriage is re-ignited for reasons of love, commitment, desire, etc. The outcome to avoid, IMO, is the one where she plays along with your desires in order to reclaim access to your credit cards . . . .



Be careful to address the core issues that have brought each of you to the situation where you felt it necessary to act pre-emptively. And own your share of it too. If she is simply responding to you in order to avoid future "punishment", your's will indeed be a pyrrhic victory.

I must admit I was a bit aghast at your pre-emptive strike tactics detailed in your previous story. I would have counselled a "warning" before trying that one on.



Anyway, given that it didn't result in the instantaneous combustion of the marriage and has brought her to the table, then obviously your method worked !!



Bear in mind though that it has only worked in bringing her to the table. Nor more (and no less) than that.



You have the initiative now (plus a bit of cred that you are not going to be a doormat) and that will prove to be your greatest ally in how this plays out.



Still reckon it would be wise to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. The possibility that she is 'playing along' here and planning her own future covertly you will ignore at your peril.



Tread your own path.

Good for you, i hope you can work it out. Like i always say it is about reclaiming yourself and not being used as a paycheck.



If certain people think that you were too harsh well tough they should get with reality. You got her attention right? At least now you finally have some direction on where this thing is heading instead of being in indefinate limbo.



Stay Strong & Good Luck

Thank you so much for sharing this post!!!!