I Am Your Wife

I’ve been on EP for 2 months now, and after talking to several people who are in the same boat as I am, I’ve realized something, I am their wife.
The wife that they describe is very similar to the wife that I am in my marriage.

I am the one refusing sexual advances.
I am the one who is emotionally uninterested.
I am the one that is wanted and desired.
I am the one they can’t have, but refuse to give up on.
I am the one blocking any intimacy.
But, I am also the one who wants out.
I am the one who has been changed by time and circumstances.
I am the one who needs something more for herself.
I am the one who has made up her mind, and eventually I will be the one who will leave…..
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15 Responses Jul 10, 2012

I'm not sure why some folks here, presently enduring intimacy averse relationships, are projecting such blame on someone who is obviously enduring the same. Both know the score, and both continue to choose it. Are her reasons any less valid than anyone else's? At some point, we come here and put our observations to pixels and hopefully, later, these coalesce into action that will advance this story. <br />
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Surely, if this site is good for anything, it is to prompt us to continue moving and trying new things to get out of where we are, if only to spare our friends the monotany of doing nothing. When it is in story form, and dated, it's hard to hide. If this is a person who is naming the problem, as a prelude to action (as it seems to be), then that's a good thing. If she's sticking around and spinning wheels, then maybe she's hoping against evidence that it will get better tomorrow, just like the rest of us.<br />
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Honestly, I don't get much out of dividing camps here into "refuser" and "refused". As we often say in Canada, you can't bail out half a canoe. I've sat on both sides of that equation, and I shake my head sometimes in here. If your partner doesn't want to **** you, what exactly is your proposal? Do you think THEY planned it that way? It's the desire you want from your partner. Physical gratification is easy enough alone.<br />
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I'm more inclined to look at it as those who are cognizant of a problem, and those who are not. In which case, Blueeye, above, is in the same boat as everyone here.

I'm sorry, the responses here have just pissed me off. I hate seeing an opportunity wasted. Once in a blue moon, someone on here decloaks and explains that they are intimacy averse. They then invoke the rage many of us hold for our spouses, and, following that, disappear. Wouldn't it be wonderful if they were made to feel welcome and safe enough to share their insights, their "why", their feelings on how they got to where they are, and what happened? What's the downside to that? Is there anyone here who would like a peek inside, or is it simply that it can be summed up as "refuser"=bad, while the "refused" cling to their anger.

I think this group would offer more effective support with a large infusion of folks who are, or who have been, intimacy averse in their relationships, but I understand why they would be reluctant to comment. Reminds me of some of the downfalls of collective-process theater, where social criticism becomes so inbred that it ends up enabling the detriments to dialogue and self-reflection that helped create the unwanted situation in the first place. I recall, in university, witnessing a women's advocacy group performing a piece they'd written themselves about domestic violence, with an aim to inform and educate. The depictions ended up as such caricatures of the bona fide event and the forms and reasons such violence unfolds, that it was virtually self-parody, like Nancy Reagan's "Just Say No to Drugs" campaign.

I think that 'peek inside' is a bit overrated. We really only get a 'peek' of what that refuser shows us.

Remember, these people can't bring themselves to be honest when face to face with the person they chose as their life partner....what makes you think a single character they type here in relative anonymity to a group of strangers is the truth?

And what if they honestly don't know, and are just as frustrated as their partner by the lack of desire? This isn't just conjecture --I've been there. How do you generate desire where there is none, or where there is an active aversion? I've seen my wife reduced to a quivering mass of tears and self blame that she can't seem to pull it together consistently, and she doesn't understand why. Just like I couldn't, some 12 years ago. Once both sides are cognizant of the problem, it isn't always blamed on one side of it. I think my wife regards this as a monumental failure of hers, to desire the person she loves (at least, consisently, there has been some movement on it).

Yet Nef, the problem is not specifically the lack of desire, it's the inability or unwillingness to do anything about it, to be honest about feelings, or to fairly negotiate change. I do agree with you that, whichever party is involved (I'm not one to demonize either), they need to get to a point where that change happens, and that does take time, and EP may short-circuit things.

Except that, I don't see an unwillingness to do anything about that. I see someone who has come here, read a bunch of stories, and realized something. First comes the cognizance. I also see recognition that it's going to be up to her to change the problem --a realization that her partner, like many of us here, is going to be a loyal dog.

If you don't want to have sex with someone, what's to negotiate? Having sex anyway? I dunno. I've tried having sex when I know damn well my partner isn't into it, and it's a very stale experience without the desire. What ****** me off though, is the hypocricy in a lot of the anger. Here's someone early on, just finally naming her problem, and everyone's on her case to pull the eject lever yesterday, like it's that easy. If it really was that easy, we all would have done it years ago, wouldn't we?

I'm fine with lighting a fire under someone's butt, or at least directing their attention constructively to areas that could use some thought, but I don't like the idea of holding anyone to a higher standard than my own.

3 More Responses

Your story describes what I have turned into....I now refuse all attempts at intimacy both emotional and physical. Am I wanted and desired??? Sure when he's hungry or needing something done that he doesn't feel like doing his self.<br />
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If you are truly wanting out, then do the guy a favor and go. Cause the longer you stay the harder it will be for him to get started on a new life.

Wait, don't tell me... you love him, you're just not *in* love with him. Tough ****. That's what happens to every marriage. I had to learn this the hard way. <br />
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You can stay and work it out and learn the deeper connection that can be made afterward, or you can decide that marriage just isn't for you. But staying in this limbo is wasting your time and his.

If you were my wife, I would be relieved to know the reason why. If you were my wife I would gladly give your freedom to you. If I knew you would be happier on your own, I wouldn't let you go. blunt honesty would be a welcome relief. <br />
If I was the reason, that would be good enogh for me to live my life and share it with some who would want to. Just saying.

From the looks of your other stories....it sounds as if you have someone else in mind.<br />
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I have no idea what your marriage is like....I am in no place to judge.<br />
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All I will say....be honest. <br />
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If you don't love your husband and don't want to be with him, LEAVE. You have every right to pursue your own happiness, and you do him no favors by staying. It may hurt him up front, but it will free him to find a partner who does love him.<br />
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And, Karma is a powerful force. <br />
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In my experience karma is mostly awol.

Give it time.

I am the one who would never ask you out...

"eventually"<br />
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Um, how's about sooner? You say in your groups that you hate being bullshitted, yet you're doing that to your H.<br />
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And no, there's no exclusivity on misery in the SM, it tends to hit the refused first/harder, but comes to affect all.

Man, this is such a great site. I'm so happy I found it. This is one of the most hard hitting, slaps in the face of reality I have seen in a long time.<br />
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I am so wrapped up in my own me me mes, that I never stopped to think maybe I am the one making her miserable.<br />
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This weekend, when we have some time and the moment is right, I will ask if this is the case.

Everyone changes. Everyone has phases. Some of your thoughts hit me, as I have gonr through them. But the kicker is when you say:<br />
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"I am the one who has made up her mind, and eventually I will be the one who will leave….."<br />
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Why wait if you feel that way? Waiting for him to do the "dirty work" so you don't feel bad? Waiting until kids get older? Waiting until you got enough $$? If you know you're leaving, he's still head over heels for you -- kinda cruel just to wait... imo

Why are you emotionally uninterested? What got you to this state?

As the one who wants to sort the dysfunctional marriage out, you get my vote.<br />
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Go and see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. From that information put together an exit strategy, and knock it into do-able shape.<br />
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Then, at a time of your choosing, enact it. (You will also be well served in the event of your spouse getting sick of the situation and getting in first)<br />
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Tread your own path.

But what hits me is she could have written this after years of initiating and giving everything she had. Now the counter refuser writes this. <br />
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Saddens me that we play this out in circles. Will my guilt cause me to go back and weeks later be back as the refused?<br />
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I figure none of us are blameless in this group.

I truly appreciate your candor here but can only detest your attitude. It is cruel to continue in a dishonest relationship that is without a concrete purpose. Why you stay is beyond me unless it is too enjoy the sadistic pleasure of punishing another with your attitude.<br />
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In essence by perpetuating this unholy marraige you are actually imprisoning yourself as well and and wasting precious time in doing so.<br />
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Move on and find the happiness you ceratinly appear to be lacking in your life.

She stays because she isn't done lining her nest, of course...

So why dont you just leave instead of putting the bloke through hell. Now unless you want to share more of your story on why you want out we can only presume from what you have shared that you are perhaps being selfish.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

Hey we cross posted

Well what's stopping you from ending our misery and leaving now?! Why are you dragging us through hell, instead of being honest about what you want!<br />
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Is it because you are a dishonest a$$hole?

I want you to know I hit that damned "like" button 8 times.

Who is the "our" here, zsuzs? We walk our own path.