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The End Is Nigh

I have tried hard to save my virtually sexless marriage but now I am giving up the ghost. I had an affair but ended it, confessing it all to my husband. I saw it as a wake-up call to my marriage, was profusely sorry, tried to restore intimacy, to initiate more love-making, to get him back to the doctors to sort out his erectile dysfunction. But he refuses to see a doctor (even though he could change his BP meds) and has, despite my pleading with him not to go, disappeared by choice off to foreign parts for several weeks leaving me alone with the boys. Oh. and the day before he left I caught my 16 year old son helping him download audio **** onto the MP3 I had bought him the day before - presumably so he can *** to his heart's content in foreign parts. I have tried to contact him - have told him how lonely I am and how I just can't live like this any more. Tonight my former lover - with whom I have had the most mind-blowing sex with, and who likes to make love and to take off his clothes and to look after me - has been in touch again. And you know what? This time I'm jumping in with both feet. I'm 53, don't have forever, and am fed up with being alone and sexless and a single parent. I'm done. I have dreamt about this guy every night and morning since we parted. If I stay with my husband I will never have sex again (or at least proper sex) and for the first time in my life ever I have experienced what it is to make love properly - not with all your clothes on, your eyes screwed rightly shut, or with someone who doesn't 'do' oral sex, or touch your breasts. I still feel young and alive and can't live like this forever.
ChrissieG ChrissieG 51-55, F 14 Responses Jul 10, 2012

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You are still young but you are right that you don't have forever. I've got five years on you, I just found someone and I really don't want to lose her.

He told me when we talked about it that our conversations were 'much better than sex - sex is transitory and messy'.<br />
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He's correct, though I fear he misses the point entirely. The fact that it's transitory is why it's best repeated as frequently as possible, and the fact it's messy is why it's so indescribably awesome. As for conversation, isn't that what refractory periods are for?<br />
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Congratulations on finally freeing you mind from the trap it was held in. The rest of you is sure to follow.

Thanks guys so much for all the support. I'm going to be sensible, take the legal precautions, look into things. I earn a good salary and am financially independent - in fact pay the mortgage and all the household bills from my salary. What's driving this crisis isn't promptings from husband or even lover - just the sense within myself that the situation I am now in has made me almost suicidally depressed and I can't live like this anymore. I e-mailed my husband when he was still in contact and tried to tell him how desperate I was feeling. He said he was 'sorry' that I had come to feel like this - but after I sent a slightly more chatty e-mail he noted approvingly that 'my mood has lifted'. It is not a 'mood' - just a state of existential misery at living alone and never being touched. Scroll forward to this afternoon. I have just come back from spending three hours at various locations in my office (floor, desk, sofa) having entirely naked and wonderful tactile and beautiful sex with my lover and I feel SO MUCH BETTER - calm, happy, not suicidally depressed as I have been for the past 8 weeks. This is telling me something. Even if I don't end up with the lover for life, I just CAN'T live life alone day after day with the twice yearly genital fumbling that passes for our sex life. I thought I could, but I can't. And it just isn't a high priority for my husband. He told me when we talked about it that our conversations were 'much better than sex - sex is transitory and messy'. Says it all. I am the one who has been to marriage guidance counselling, not him (he refuses), I am the one who has begged him to get a change of meds for his ED - but this is obviously not time urgent for him as it is for me. I don't think he is 'silly', just blind and complacent. He knew when he went away that he was risking losing me but going to the war zone is his priority. I begged him not to go - but in fact I don't miss him at all, which also says something to me.

Your husband and my wife are very simular, maybe a swap would be nice and we all would be happy

I had a similar experience; except that when I left my husband a note, saying that if he didn't get help, I was making plans for my future, he made an appointment for counseling the next day.<br />
I still left, but I cried a lot when I was alone, and even sometimes when I was with my lover.<br />
Didn't divorce until 4.5 years later; married 2.5 years later.<br />
Hurt my grown children terribly (18 and 23); greatly affected some poor choices my 18 year old made in the next few years.<br />
My second husband told me that after a few years, our marriage would be like my first. I said it wouldn't, because the two men are so different. We were both right in some ways. My first husband has a very different temperament; not explosive. My second husband has said things that hurt, and accused me of things that weren't true.<br />
I learned later that some things I blamed on my first, or thought about him, weren't true (though some were). <br />
My whole world shrank so much when I left my first; it was painful.<br />
It was difficult for me to work with the public, which my job required.<br />
If I had it to do over, I would have at least put some real effort into giving my first a chance to grow and change.<br />
No one can tell you what to do. A lot of what we go through depends on our personal belief/value system.

Dear Crosscubes
I value your words. I don't believe that the grass is always greener and the damage that you can cause your kids has been the main factor for my staying. My only caveat here is that my husband has been away for most of my sons' childhoods. He is a weekend dad and although he is caring and good with them, we are rarely a family unit - I am in effect a single mum, especially when he goes away for long spells abroad. He is a kind man and has many good qualities - cares passionately about his work. But we lead such separate lives and live in different places. Our worlds don't intersect at all. I have a very public identity and most people don't know who my husband is or what he looks like. My biggest risk (if I stay with lover) is that I am with someone who is not primarily an intellectual but a practical person. But I have spent so long being both (as my husband is hopeless with practical things including money) that it would be nice to have the other stuff. Oh, and also some sex. My husband is not a tactile person at all and never was.

I feel really sorry for you. It seems that he doesn't really care if you leave or not, that he has already discounted the cost from his life. Maybe that is why he is furiously building up his savings because he knows he is going to have to give half of it to you. I don't know, it defies explanation, but then it usually does seem to defy explanation. He sounds like a really, really silly man, even to the extent he won't explain himself. Maybe he just can't. Who knows?

You go girl! You know you can manage on your own. You've been doing it your whole marriage.

Agree with Bazzar, the universe is sending you a message---get out!! What a great opportunity. The person you are married to doesn't sound like he is trying to meet ANY of your needs, emotional, sexual, or even friendship. Who needs it?

Go for it. Call a lawyer, get a divorce and kick you hubby to the curb and find someone that will enjoy what you have to offer. Life is entirely too short.

The planets are lining up for you.<br />
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While he is away playing cowboys and indians, you have a free and uncluttered run to see your lawyer, arrange alternative living arrangements and to stitch up all sorts of little details - PLUS - get a good old porking.<br />
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And, when he returns home from saving the world, you'll be able to present him with a fait accompli. A done deal.<br />
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It's a heaven sent opportunity.<br />
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Don't blow it. (Blow the lover instead).<br />
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Tread your own path.

Thanks Baz

Am seeing lawyer tomorrow. Did what you suggested with the lover this afternoon :)

Great news. Good for you. Honest and open with the hubby. Now be open and honest with the kids. maybe avoid a second generation of the same related issues. Invite new guy over to meet them and see where your heart leads you. Enjoy.

From reading your stories, I don't blame you in the least. Your husband has been selfish and neglected you for years, and even your affair and the imminent threat of losing you hasn't motivated him to make the drastic changes one would expect if he truly loves and doesn't want to lose you. I would just be cautious about putting too much focus on your former affair partner and not enough on just getting out of the marriage and settled on your own. I'm sure you'll have lots of guys chasing you once you're free and clear, whether you end up with this guy or not. I wish you the best of luck. I know how tough it is to make a decision like this after so many years of marriage and I hope I too can find your courage.

we are the same age. i had an affair and told my husband about it. why stay together after that, since nothing improved. except i didn't want to be married to him anymore. good luck!

Get that exit plan in place first. In some jurisdictions you could suffer financially or in terms of child custody if you have an affair first rather than separate first.<br />
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Go see a lawyer right away, then go see your lover.<br />
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All the best