Future ForwardSome of putting my life back together after a sexless marriage just happens right when you leave the marriage. Some of it happens once you’ve been gone a bit as you grieve the loss of the relationship that once was, the relationship that never was and the hope that you clung to for so long. Some of it happens when the day seems better and hope surges forward for the first time in a while. There’s also a new step I am beginning to understand.
It is the point where you begin to concretely see what you expect for the future. I choose the word expect because in my case my expectations were in the dirt. I expected he wouldn’t hit me, he wouldn’t cheat on me and he would love me. He threw an iPhone at my head, had a short-lived affair and didn’t love me like I needed to be loved. My way low expectations were not even stuff he could reach.
In my future forward life I want harmony. I want disagreements resolved through conversation and understanding, not by seeing who can shout the loudest or withdraw the most. That’s not to say there would never be a disagreement (ha!), but they would not be disrespectful or abusive. My XH was verbally abusive towards me and my kids many times. I will not tolerate even someone heading in that general direction.
I am figuring out that I need to be with someone whose default mode when anxious, fearful or uncertain is NOT to withdraw and hide from me. It drives me crazy and I feel so punished and unloved by it that I simply can’t have that. Continuing the flow of communication gives me something to work with and a connection that stays strong even when I might be unhappy about what needs to be communicated. It is always better to tell me something I may not like to hear than it is to communicate nothing with me at all.
I want marriage again and children. I grieved the loss of the possibility of the dream of having the family I wanted when I walked away from the sexless marriage that was supposedly trying to get pregnant. I am absolutely open to adoption (I’ve already done it once) but I would like it to be the choice made because it was the right choice, not because it’s the only choice I had left because I waited too long for other options.
I expect sex. Sex that is quiet, messy, loud, chaotic, naughty, playful, full of laughter and suspense – the kind where you completely lose track of time, sequence of events and the number of positions, moves and ******* throughout. I want sex that is quick, sex that is drawn out, sex that is illegal in 11 states. I just want sex. I expect to give and receive PASSION.
I expect some level of open-mindedness and adventure with my partner. Climbing Mt. Everest with a toddler strapped to my chest isn’t necessary but a family open to travel and to explore the world together is an essential part of what I envision for my future.
I expect trust. I expect my partner to be worthy of the trust and heart I give him. I have a huge heart and it beats strong for those I care about. While I am capable of and will set boundaries I shouldn’t have to do so within the right relationship. I should respect his needs and he should respect mine. I expect he can articulate his needs and hear me articulate mine.
In the end I am looking for a certain kind of relationship where I am able to give and receive love pretty freely. If my partner and I want the same things and have similar takes on life plus have love and respect for each other, then the type of relationship we build is far more important than who my partner is – his name, his job, his car, his address, even his hobbies. What we build between us matters a great deal more than who he is. A man who is great on paper that I love deeply and who loves me and with whom I share great chemistry is worth nothing in a relationship if he does not know how or wish to have the kind of relationship I seek.
I do not buy into the soul-mate theories that state that people are simply made for each other and if you find the right person the relationship goes easy from there on. I believe that if love, respect and chemistry are present then a relationship can either be built around that and lovingly maintained or shoddily constructed and later lamented.
I expect that there will be many partners with whom I can go about having these kinds of relationships and experiences with. There are many men I could love, respect, admire and deeply want to touch and connect with. So I have decided to seek the relationship I expect, not a person I want. Yes, there are people I do not want. People I cannot respect, people who do not follow my basic expectations of how humanity is to treat each other. But the reason I do not want them is not because they are bad people but because I can’t have the relationship I expect with them. They might be perfectly fine as people or with others, but the relationship that would be between us would be unhealthy and undesirable to me.
So I am looking for a real relationship first, not a man first and then wait to see what he can bring to the table. It’s what he brings to my life that makes him so valuable to me. I’ve been doing it all wrong before.
Changewilldoyougood 31-35, F 17 Responses 11 Jul 11, 2012