Love Is A Circle (a Profound And Transformational Day)As many of the older ISIASM know, I left my sexless marriage for good about ten months ago (and I was separated from my now ex for about two years prior with a brief and disastrous reconciliation period which lasted only about four months).
Today, it has been so cathartic for me.
This morning, I went over to check on my boyfriend who has been sick with bronchitis. We have been going through a intense growth period, as we are becoming more serious and it certainly hasn't been without its pains. This is a very good relationship, we are doing really strong work in healing from our previous sexless marriages (him too) and working on our own demons as well. Leaving a sexless marriage is huge, but it is but a beginning path to understanding your own self and what drives you in forming romantic attachments. Both, myself and my current partner are actively seeking to break old patterns. We are holding each other and ourselves to account. This process naturally is challenging because change is unfamiliar and scary. Over the past couple weeks, we have been putting a lot of things on the table about our own needs, what we want out of our future, pushing and pulling each other's boundaries. It has been intense....
So, today, we had a breakthrough with what we have been working through....It was very beautiful. It was a shift to deeper level of commitment, the words are ours but I will share that it was a transformational moment for both of us.
After this, I left as we both had home stuff needing attention and he needed to work.
I was so overwhelmed with the enormity of what we are doing, I felt the need to lie down with my pups for a bit and rest. I was only resting for about ten minutes when I heard a voice at my back door....my ex had shown up.
Back from a trip out of state to visit relatives. Over the past couple months, we have been working to reestablish a more friendly contact as my daughter is very close to him and sees and talks to him on quite a regular basis. (He is the closest to a father that she has ever known). I am very pleased that they are still close, it would have been awful for her to lose him.
We have actually been quite successful as of late in learning to be friends, and establishing good dialogue around her. So, today, I was actually pleased to have him show up (a first since the breakup), and I looked forward to talking with him about his recent trip and catching up.
I thanked him for the caring and consistency he was showing with my daughter. He talked with me for a while about the struggle he faced in returning to visit his family after eight years. I was with him as he faced his abusive past, so it was very moving for me to hear about how he finally went and stood up to his past demons and confronted his family. It was work that I helped him with over many years, and I was happy that he could share with me the outcome.
We talked about the past year, our new relationships (in a kind and supportive way on both sides), the inevitable missing that comes from being apart from a friend (if not lover) of over a decade, our gratefulness that we could come to the end in friendship and forgiveness rather then hate, a moment of just sitting with the sadness of that we tried to do in love...the unspoken cord of love that lies between us beyond our inability to be romantic partners, and remains in testament to how hard we both fought for something more then we could ever be...and that simply is just the best of friends.
For the first time, I was able to feel the loss of it without the need to want to return to it. I know that road, it is not for us. I was able to share with him my sorrow and he his...The heartbreak of our broken lil family. It was Don Quixote. It was madness and craziness. But, it was our life for ten years. And, the parting has been sad. Of course it was...we never would have fought so hard otherwise if there was nothing there at all.
And, instead of the failure of what we could not achieve....today we stood in victory for what is....
I am a blessed woman. I have known love from so many places. I have lived to move through past the hurt and though the sadness remains, it is bitter- sweet. It is honest and it is true, and a karmic debt has been healed.
Oh...my dear friend....
And, oh, my truest love....
What I have ever done to live to see such a moment, I will never know, but tonight....I know love.
Peace to all of you