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Like everyone here, its been a while, and will probably be a while before we have sex. We get along. Unlike most here, we are affectionate, but that's as far as it goes. She is either tired, not feeling well or whatever excuse. I wouldnt say she is a refuser, but I've been known to be wrong.

Why am I writing? I would like some opinions on whether this situation is my fault.

Some background. Married for over 20 years, with two sons. We were very sexual before we were married and for the first few of marriage it was great. Like most newlyweds, we were adventurous and horny. About three years in that started to change. By the time the kids came along and were growing up, our sex life started to disappear. I tried very hard to keep things romantic and sexy, but eventually I found the rejection too hard to take. We settled into a comfortable routine, and had sex a couple of times a year, interespered with other things. That lack of passion has led to some fights and some thoughts of leaving, but it's comfortable for me too.

About me, I'm a man in every sense of that word but one. I work at a job I don't really like, but have to do because my family needs me to. I do some (probably not my full share) of the housework, and try to be attentive to her needs. I shop, do things with the kids, and cook my share of the meals. In other words, I'm Mr. Brady.

Now, here is the 'issue' I need opinions on: once in a while I like to be dressed in a cloth diaper. I don't use it. Don't call her Mommy. And try to keep it as discrete as possible. For me it is a real emotional comfort. She knew about my fetish before we were married, and didn't really have a problem with it. Over time it became an issue, and I even gave it up for a few years (we decided that that didn't work since we didn't have any more sex, and I was in a bad mood a lot). I don't combine this with sex, btw, but it does make me very cuddly.

I guess what I want to know is if you think she is justified in not having sex (although I would never combine the two things), or do you think it is about something else? I'm turning 45 this year, and I guess one of the things I would like to know is if I should stay in a relationship that will not fulfil my needs, or should I leave? Knowing that actually finding a woman who would be okay with my fetish is about one-in-a-million.

One last thing, if youre just going to make fun of me, save it, I'm not on here to be a punching bag.

Thanks for your thoughts
kdick62 kdick62 41-45 3 Responses Jul 11, 2012

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Two answers for you.<br />
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#1 - yes it does justify her actions.<br />
#2 - no it doesn't justify her actions.<br />
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Take your pick which one you prefer, but take on board this immutable fact. She IS intimacy averse to you. That is the fact. And all the speculation in the world about "why" this is ain't going to alter the fact that she is intimacy averse to you.<br />
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Might be best to rule the page off on what has gone before and start again from the facts here and now, today, right now.<br />
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You have a spouse who is intimacy averse to you. Is it a deal breaker ?? Is it not a deal breaker ??<br />
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Tread your own path.

I think bazzar has got it right. No sex with her, no sex without her. What other factors are important in life?

I'm 23 years away from retirement age. I too occasionally think: "What shall I do with 23 years?" Take the path of least resistance and stay comfy?

Ask yourself:
WHAT DO I REALLY WANT TO DO?

Only you can answer that. Only you must live with the reply.

I mean, there is doubt between you two. How much cranial effort will you invest trying to get your head around it? Can you make the horse drink when you bring it to water? What other things can your processing power resolve? What would you concern your mind with if this were not in existence?

Don't wait 5 years. Act like adults and talk. Just talk with her and make mental notes. Recall her genuine behavior in the past- good and bad. Think factually over a couple of days...compare your mental notes to your comments above...balance it with what you want from your next 20+ years. Be honest with yourself- not your wife, not your sons, because they are adults now- you have seen to that.

Now decide.

Welcome to the support group that no one wants to be in. You will learn so much by reading here. This place will challenge you and keep you thinking. I think that your wife is emotionally abusive but it might take you awhile to acknowledge this and understand what is happening. Be strong.

Essentially your situation mirrors everyone else's here. You have the added complication of your fetsish, but I actually think this is a very convenient "hook" for your wife to hang the blame on you. You say yourself that giving up the fetish did NOT result in more sex. <br />
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I suspect that your fetish is actually immaterial here - except as I said, as a useful tool for your wife. Sadly I think you face the same dilemma we all do.Your wife is simply no longer interested in having sex with you. How you deal with this will be a matter for you to decide. I encourage you to read widely here and to learn as much as you can about sexless marriage. It will help you make informed decisions about your future.

I have read a lot of the stories here, and agree my situation is similar. I wanted to know if other women would agree with my wife because of my fetish. It might seem like a silly question, but it has bothered me for a long time. Does it justify her?

I've never known someone with this kind of fetish, but I will say that, I agree with enna30. This is just the excuse. This isn't something you suddenly have an issue with after being okay with it for years. Even if she lied and really did have issue with it. Her dislike would have surfaced way before now.

I don't believe it justifies her at all. She knew about your fetish before you were married and you said your sex life was good the first few of years. You also stated that you don't use a diaper as part of sex play, so I'd have a hard time believing that was the issue.

I don't think "justified" is the way to look at it. As ami1240 says, she was fine with it in the beginning. I suggest you ask her to tell you - honestly - if she can overcome her present distaste for having sex with you, or not. If she says "only if you give up the diaper" then you will need to choose. But sadly I think you could give that up - and she still wouldn't have sex with you. This is an issue of a marriage breakdown - not about your fetish.

Thanks for all the advice and perspective. I'm not going to give it up, if is very much a part of me, and not something you can quit like smoking (did that when she got pregnant). The 'need' is much too deep. And, I have asked before and she tells me that that is not the reason we don't have more sex. Shes tired, or hot, or a hundred other excuses. I do do all of the things suggested...tell her how beautiful and sexy she is to me. We walk through the grocery store with me either touching her, or massaging her shoulders. I buy her flowers and we go out to dinner together once a week or so. Rejection gets in your head, you know that, and it has made me think she's right, and a man who does what I do is not worth loving.

I think it is important to have a frank discussion with your wife as my husband had with me. Women get caught up in taking care of their children and doing what needs to be done for their husbands, that it doesn't leave much time for themselves. Which is why they just want to be alone, sex seems like one more thing they have to do. Now your children are older and the discussion should have happened a while ago, but it is very important to explain to her that intimacy is the way a man feels loved and connected to their spouse. Without it you feel empty and alone. That was the turning point in our marriage.

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