So Like Most Marriages It Started Off Great..and Slowly, Slowly

Ever so slowly it dwindled to almost nothing. It's both our second marriage, and we have one daughter still at home. She's 13.

My daughter begged me the other night not to fight with Daddy, so I bite my tongue when he smart-talks me in front of his friends. He 'shows off' in front of them. For instance, he had just gotten paid, and I asked him if I could drive his truck since my own has no insurance. "so what are you saying?' he asks. He casually thumbs through the 800 bucks he has, and says 'so are you saying you need me to buy YOU some insurance?'. Then he says, well darn it's 5 after 6 so it's not open. Then he told me I couldn't drive his truck because there was a boat on the end of it. I just sat there. In fact, I sit a lot as I'm in a wheelchair.

I lost my leg 3 years ago above the knee. My prosthetic works for very short periods of time because I'm on a lot of meds and get really tired. It's a workout just walking let me tell you! So I mostly stay in my chair. I don't work, other than an occasional cheapie website for someone, and I'm not really great at it, I just know how it works. I am self taught. I get a check for disability each month which helps, but not a whole lot. I have done two so far this year, so not exactly a viable option for me. I'm talking very simple, cheap little sites.

I WANT TO LEAVE!!!!! Sex? hahahaha...well when he NEVER initiates it I want to cry, and I used to. Not much anymore, I'm used to it. Oh, and the sexless thing started even before my leg amputation. So it isn't that. It isn't weight, because thin or thick, it was the same routine. I'd beg and whine and do nice things for him to 'butter him up', and that was usually a thank you, now I'm going to sleep on the couch. Finally, I guess out of guilt, he will reply with an 'ok' and we'll actually have our fifteen minutes. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. One thing it NEVER is, is intimate. No kissing, just plain ol sex for the sake of it.

Don't get me wrong, we all like good ol quickies here and there, but every time? Blech, it just gets worse. Finally, I just quit asking. I'm in my fourth month of no sex now. On average, it happened maybe 4-6 times a year. That's SAD.

Anyways, I want to go, badly. I LOVE the SOB, too! But I don't feel like it's reciprocated at all. The only time he shows affection, or for that matter help if I need it(to get from one spot to the next, for instance) is if there's an audience. Not his 'buddies', but acquaintances like married couples we know, strangers that will 'watch' what a great guy he is. HA! Yeah, well I'm on to ya, your daughter is on to ya, and all our grown kids are too.

My problem is employment that will keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head. My grown kids all have big problems of their own and are not an option for me right now to stay with. I just don't want to burden family, as they all struggle in these times right now. I need a good enough job to get me by, that's all. I'm 49 in two weeks, and I guess getting so close to 50 was the catalyst for my finally figuring out that none of this was worth it.

Wow, this is the first place I've ever found where I could spill my guts. Felt good, too!
IncenseandLace IncenseandLace 46-50, F 8 Responses Jul 11, 2012

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Ok. Here's what I have done so far. I called my best friend who has been waiting for me to call with this news for years! hahaha. Also, contacted a lawyer, but am waiting for a call back to schedule a date and time for a one hour consultation. Finally, I'm looking into accredited schools that offer courses in web design, since I think that might be what I will do well with. Man, I feel a lot better already! Don't let me give up, I'm kinda giggly that I'm actually doing something. I can do this. I AM doing this.

Well to go gal. keep going. The road you have chosen will be always be an easy one. Keep that best friend of yours around for someone to lean on during those rough times. But I speak from expeience, later on you will look back on what you had to go through to get to where you are now and you will realize that it was very much worth it, I know I did and I still do to this day.

I think taking that first step like you did today, is just one step close to making a better and much happier life for you and your daughter.

No, of course I don't want my daughter to be around this! She deserves so much better. I will make some phone calls in the morning, starting with some lawyers. Better to do this now while she's still out for summer vacation. I guess this all just kind of snuck up on me. I feel like, wow, when on earth did I let all this happen? I never used to be like this. But hey, I can go on sniveling or I can get off my behind and do something pro active and constructive. I can't see ten more years of this mess. I can do bad all by myself!

He sounds like a narcissists jerk and you need to leave him. I thought I had it bad. I'm sorry you have to go threw that I'll pray for you. It will come full circle. What comes around goes around. Good luck!

He really sounds like a jerk. Perhaps some counseling for you would be in order. Codependency can be hard to break out of. I doubt it does your daughter good to see you treated like this.

Really I think you should bail.

Well I am supposed to be studying for my finals but I couldn't help repoding to this post. This is wrong, wrong, wrong.

I know you are on disability BUT when you see that divorce lawyer (which I hope you do, the sooner, the better), ask about Maintenance (sometimes known as alimony). It sounds like he works and you do not. it does not matter why you do not work, the fact that you do not work is a big piece of it. Disability will nto take this into account and it will jot impact your check.

Also ask that lawyer about child support. Most states want teh child to remain with the mother unless of course you are an unfit mother which does not sound like that is the case to me. Again SSDA will not look at this as income.

Lastly let me say this and I want you to ingrain this into your mind. Just because you are in a wheelchair doesn't mean that there is no one else out there for you. They are out there, they may be a little hard to find BUT they are there. Don't let your husband convince you otherwise. if a guy likes you only because of your physical features, you don't need him. but if he likes you because of who you are, because of your personality, because of the way you laucgh, etc, GET HIS NUMBER.

You do not need this guy who passes himself as a worthless excuse for your husband.

Besides all that, do you really want your daughter growing up with this bozo around and thinking that is how a husband is supposed to treat his wife ??

You are in an abusive and dysfunctional marriage.

The paucity of sexual expression is one of a number of symptoms your story describes that point to the underlying instability.

This ain't about the sex.

It is about manipulative abuse.

It would be a good idea to (covertly) see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce wouls shake out for you. Likewise to check out community groups for abused spouses and the asssistance available there. From this information you could put an exit strategy together, and when you have it in do-able shape, enact it.

Or you could stay and continue in your assigned role as victim.


Choice time.

Tread your own path.

So, the time he got mad that I smoked in a cabin we were sharing, and then grabbed my wheelchair and pushed me outside and slammed the door was also abuse then. Ok, I know it is, I guess I saw my mom put up with childish behavior like this, and I see myself becoming just like her! How did that happen? I guess because I lost a little of myself when the leg went. It sucks because my daughter is my greatest help, and he NEVER helps! I get he has to work, but he just tells me to try harder, and not to be so 'dependent'.

I know there's a one year waiting list for housing in my area. They want my financial picture too. Well, he messed that up for me years ago. However, I do think if I could just find someone to share rent with I could do alright. At least till I qualified SOMEwhere! I am SO open to any and all comments that can help. Thanks so much Rosedl.

My heart is so willing, my body not so much. There's a lot of challenges I realize, but I think if I do some homework here, I can find suitable housing for my daughter and myself. A way to afford to pay bills. I KNOW there's an answer! I keep thinking somehow now that I have the guts to go, things just have a way of working out. But that's why I'm here. For help, encouragement, advice..

In fairness, he has his good moments. But mainly he ignores me. So I hole up in my room and mess around on the computer or read, or paint. I love painting because it's my one solace and comfort, next to my kids/grandkids.

It may take a while, but hey, I'll be biding my time whether it's staying here or preparing to leave, so I might as well just give it a shot. At this point, I don't have anything to lose!

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by exploring your alternatives.

Bide your time, indeed. You don't have to solve this in one day. But, if you take small steps to empower yourself everyday....keeping in mind the end goal of gaining your own independence. You will get there!

You sound like you have a strong spirit, and fight in you. Just reaching out to this board, and beginning to seek solutions shows that you have the stuff to move forward.

I am excited for you :)!

I am so sorry you are in this place.

The behavior you describe is abuse, plain and simple.

Degrading you in front of his friends (it is a wonder he has any), humiliating you by taunting you with your financial need for is cruel, mean, rotten, and PATHETIC. Withholding affection, love, and kindness......Jerk.

Your desire to leave is healthy. The practicalities may be difficult, but not impossible to overcome.

First, if you qualify for disability, you most likely qualify for housing for the disabled at a reduced rate. I would look to social service programs and disabled support groups in your area to learn about resources that may be available to you. You can call a hotline for abused women (and emotional/psychological abuse IS serious abuse. I have experienced both physical and verbal abuse in my past, the emotional abuse is what took the longest for recovery. Battered women's hotlines are great for resourcing help, and it will save you some time in research.

You do NOT have to put up with this and there are solutions. It may take time to come up with a workable plan, qualify for help, and find a new living situation, but it can be done.

You deserve better. Know it, it's true.