So Like Most Marriages It Started Off Great..and Slowly, SlowlyEver so slowly it dwindled to almost nothing. It's both our second marriage, and we have one daughter still at home. She's 13.
My daughter begged me the other night not to fight with Daddy, so I bite my tongue when he smart-talks me in front of his friends. He 'shows off' in front of them. For instance, he had just gotten paid, and I asked him if I could drive his truck since my own has no insurance. "so what are you saying?' he asks. He casually thumbs through the 800 bucks he has, and says 'so are you saying you need me to buy YOU some insurance?'. Then he says, well darn it's 5 after 6 so it's not open. Then he told me I couldn't drive his truck because there was a boat on the end of it. I just sat there. In fact, I sit a lot as I'm in a wheelchair.
I lost my leg 3 years ago above the knee. My prosthetic works for very short periods of time because I'm on a lot of meds and get really tired. It's a workout just walking let me tell you! So I mostly stay in my chair. I don't work, other than an occasional cheapie website for someone, and I'm not really great at it, I just know how it works. I am self taught. I get a check for disability each month which helps, but not a whole lot. I have done two so far this year, so not exactly a viable option for me. I'm talking very simple, cheap little sites.
I WANT TO LEAVE!!!!! Sex? hahahaha...well when he NEVER initiates it I want to cry, and I used to. Not much anymore, I'm used to it. Oh, and the sexless thing started even before my leg amputation. So it isn't that. It isn't weight, because thin or thick, it was the same routine. I'd beg and whine and do nice things for him to 'butter him up', and that was usually a thank you, now I'm going to sleep on the couch. Finally, I guess out of guilt, he will reply with an 'ok' and we'll actually have our fifteen minutes. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. One thing it NEVER is, is intimate. No kissing, just plain ol sex for the sake of it.
Don't get me wrong, we all like good ol quickies here and there, but every time? Blech, it just gets worse. Finally, I just quit asking. I'm in my fourth month of no sex now. On average, it happened maybe 4-6 times a year. That's SAD.
Anyways, I want to go, badly. I LOVE the SOB, too! But I don't feel like it's reciprocated at all. The only time he shows affection, or for that matter help if I need it(to get from one spot to the next, for instance) is if there's an audience. Not his 'buddies', but acquaintances like married couples we know, strangers that will 'watch' what a great guy he is. HA! Yeah, well I'm on to ya, your daughter is on to ya, and all our grown kids are too.
My problem is employment that will keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head. My grown kids all have big problems of their own and are not an option for me right now to stay with. I just don't want to burden family, as they all struggle in these times right now. I need a good enough job to get me by, that's all. I'm 49 in two weeks, and I guess getting so close to 50 was the catalyst for my finally figuring out that none of this was worth it.
Wow, this is the first place I've ever found where I could spill my guts. Felt good, too!
IncenseandLace 46-50, F 8 Responses 0 Jul 11, 2012