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Want To End A Relationship

First, my thanks to all on this forum who helped with their advice on separating from a sexless marriage last year.

That has been accomplished and I`ve been on my own for 18 months now.

Problem is, I`ve become involved with a woman who while very nice, desiring of sex and with whom I share a lot in common, is essentially broke and always will be.

I don`t want to make this about money, it sounds trite.  But, how can a relationship have a future when one party never has any money, just went bankrupt, doesn`t have a steady job, and by her own admission cannot handle money at all.  She`s in her 50`s and has been forced to move back in with her aging parents.

I`m now retired and want to pursue more travel and such.  She`s not in a position to accompany me unless I feel like footing the entire cost, which doesn`t seem fair.

So, my question is, how do I tell her in the kindest way possible that this relationship has no future.  I hate hurting people and am looking for the least painful exit for her sake.

Thank you,

Harold
haroldsvenson haroldsvenson 56-60, M 11 Responses Jul 14, 2012

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" a relationship needs to be an equal partnership on all fronts ..."

Be careful with that word "equal" if you're using it to mean 50/50. Contribution (in any aspect of the partnership) can be in quite different proportions, as long as both parties agree, and as long as both parties keep their promises.



One of your requirements in a partner is that they be financially independent, fiscally responsible, and contribute (50%?) to your joint expenses including travel expenses. Good. Write that down, along with any other dealbreakers for your NEXT relationship.



This lady ... let her down gently, respectfully. I'm not sure, but I think I agree with what VB said, "it's not you, it's me" is the way to go. You know she's not going to change, and you don't need to hurt her.

Thank you all for your insightful replies.



I got involved because we shared much in common in terms of philosophy, pastimes, interests and a mutual love of nature. The real nature of her financial problems did not come to light until about 6 months after we began seeing each other. At first I tried to advise her as I have a financial and law background but the advice didn't seem to take. The longer it goes on, the more I realize that it can't have a future as I don't want a dependent. I want an equal partner, or close to it, someone that can carry her own weight and not rely on me as a meal ticket.



So, you're all correct, I have to end it. I just have trouble finding the exact words. Funny, but I've been kicked down by a few women who didn't have trouble that way, in the end they seemed unfeeling and cold. Man eaters, that type if you know what I mean. This one is just too sweet and nice to treat shabbily, so I have to tread carefully.



Harold

I have to ask why you would get involved with someone like this? Just for sex? Sex is a funny thing, it's not a big part of a relationship if it's there but if it's not is huge. Now that you have it you can think about something else.....I would just tell her you're not feeling the relationship and it's best to go your separate ways. Heck, even though she seems to like sex how do you know you're not a potential meal ticket?

I think the best thing to do is to be honest with the lady. She must know the truth in order to deal with what is happening. It is not fair to with hold this from her as then she will always wonder what was wrong with her. Really communicate with her. Let her know the truth because this is what happens in sexless marriages, they just never tell you why you are being cut off, they just do it.

"Everything is great bar the finances"



Your way forward is the same as any other dysfunctional relationship, say where it's the sex that's the symptom as an example.



The advice / opinion banged out here about "sexless" dysfunction is just as applicable to "financial" dysfunction.



To the kerb with her.



Tread your own path.

You seem a "babe in the woods" when it comes to relationships. You apparently have learned little from your previous experince. You had the courage to leave one unholy circumstance only now to put yourself into another.



You may have to hurt the feelings of this woman but you are correct in your suspicion that she will in time because of her financial situation become a handicap. In truth, you have merely replaced an unhappy sexless marraige with a relationship that may constitute a continued financial burden on you. You might as well deal with prostitutes who will serve you for a price and could be far cheaper in the long run..



I wish you well but you may wish to think more seriously of what you are looking for in any future relationship and I would certainly begin a reevaluation of my relationship with this lady.

I would encourage you to be honest with the woman you're in a relationship with -- but also, be honest with yourself. What I mean is, perhaps there is a pattern. You were in a sexless marriage and it took you so long to finally tell yourself the truth, and then longer to act on it. Now you're in a relationship with another woman who meets that need, but is sorely lacking in another important area of life. Don't repeat the "long goodbye" as well.



Be honest with yourself, and with her. Be kind, be real, but tell her how you feel. You've endured a marriage with a huge deficit on an essential issue -- don't remain in another relationship that lacks so much in another essential area. And don't procrastinate.



I wish you the best.

I think you can just focus on the relationship you want. If the relationship you currently have with her isn't the relationship you want in your life, then she's not the person to build the right relationship with you. You can't hope for her to change her ways and be different. You have to accept what and who she is right now.



It isn't about there being something wrong with her. It's about the relationship not being right for you. You want someone who is a full partner, who can adventure with you and who doesn't need a hero to rescue her. Hold your line. We are not meant to live a life with everyone we love. (VB)



The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.



You have seen. Now act accordingly.

I urge you to be kind and not too brutally truthful about HER problems. But you can be honest about yourself. Tell her that whilst you enjoy her friendship and like her as a person you have come to realise that it is not the right time for you to go ahead with a new commitment. Tell her that you thought you were ready - but have realised this is not the case.



If she insists on knowing what the issues areabout herself, then tell her as truthfully and gracefully as you can.



It is MOST unlikely that a person can change anything as elementary as theway they deal with finances once they are in their fifties. So even if she swears she wuill "change", I would take it to be a similar promise to the SM one . . . in other words, an empty promise.

So, someone might feel hurt because you dare express YOUR truth. Guess you haven't fully absorbed the lessons learned in your SM?



Changewilldoyougood has a great post about relationships, and picking a new partner which I thought was au propos, imo. Its called Future Forward.



Good luck with everything.

. . .a relationship needs to be an equal partnership on all fronts - That`s good, I may use that, but I still think it`s going to hurt her.

I agree...honesty is the only way out of this. Your honesty may give her the impetus to change herself so withholding the truth may be more damaging, though initially less hurtful, than telling her the truth. You are right...a partnership is a partnership. I think your future partner should bring as much to the table as you do...there's no reason to settle again. You've already had that experience.