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I Feel Cheated!

I have been absent from ILIASM for awhile.  I don't have ALOT to report regarding my pending divorce, other than it is progressing, at a snail's pace.  I am sure I will still be married for quite some time. 

 My H is still living in the house.  It is incredibly difficult coexisting with him.  He refuses to leave.  Most of the time, we don't speak to each other unless we absolutely HAVE to.  We had another argument a few days ago.  This resulted in some more verbal insults flung my way.

We finally told my children ( 11 & 8 yrs) that we are divorcing.  He still didn't want to tell them.  He said he wasn't prepared to tell them.  He was served divorce papers in February.  What preparations are necessary?  It was just another way of him Pretending this would go away, that it wasn't happening.  Well, I did all the talking.  He just sat there.  And then he said, " I don't want this"!  Is he kidding?  Did he think that statement would help our crying children?!  I responded that his comment wasn't helpful.  The kids were upset.....  Right now, they seem to be ok.  (I have a therapy appointment for my son next week.) It would be a great time to transition living between two homes, since it is summer & there's no school.  But my H isn't thinking of them.  It is still all about HIM!

In the meantime, I have a " friend" who I have been spending time with.  So Now my H is correct in his assumption.  All of this transpired AFTER the spying gps was removed.  ( see my prior story)  I am having an affair.  We have been physically intimate for about 2 months.  We have known each other for a year & a half.  He is has been divorced about a year.  He has 3 children. (23, 15 & 14 yrs) We both have busy lives, but somehow we scrape together snippets of time.   We see each other as much as we can, even if it's just for a few minutes.  We truly enjoy each other's company.  My time spent with him is filled with laughter.  He is so much fun!  He LIVES his life. And he really likes me.  He has said he is falling for me.  And I really like him too.  He has introduced me to many of his family members.  Since we have known each other for over a year, it has been a fast transition.  I hope to spend much more time with him.

I have to report that the scars from my sexless marriage have taken a toll on me.   My friend is a wonderful lover.  I am thrilled to be with him!   However, I can't seem to relax enough to thoroughly enjoy the experience the way I should.  I guess 14 plus years without sex will do that to ya!  It was painfully obvious how inexperienced I was.   Thanks to my H for that one!  I have some baggage to work through.  Regardless....I REALLY like sex!  I was afraid that after wanting it for so long, that when I actually could have it on a somewhat regular basis, I would find that I didn't WANT to have it.  Thankfully, I still want to.  I would have it every day if I could, sometimes twice.  And this got me thinking.......

I have been cheated!  I have been cheated out of a normal life!   You know, the kind of life where you go to work, take care of the kids, and do chores.  Then, after the kids go to sleep,  you take a shower  & spend a few hours with your spouse being intimate.....emotionally & physically.  It is the kind of life where you have a TRUE partner who cares about your happiness.  You share your thoughts & feelings, as well as your body.  This knowledge that I have been cheated is up close & personal now that I have experienced what a "normal" relationship can be.  And I will NEVER have what I always wanted!

Don't get me wrong....I have intimacy in my life now.  I will have more of it.  But I will NEVER marry again.  Maybe someday when my children are grown, I would consider living with someone, but that is over a decade away!   My children are young ( 11 & 8).  I won't even introduce them to anyone I am involved with at this point.  Even if I am " in love", I have to keep them shielded. 

 So,  even though I will be free of the chains that bind me to my sexless marriage, Someday.  I will never have the kind of life that I have always wanted.  The kind of life that is made up of simple, everyday, intimate moments, shared by partners, who love each other.

My sexless marriage has cheated me out of SO much!  I have given 28 years of my life to my husband. Those years are gone & the past can't be changed, I know.  But my sexless marriage is going to impact my future for many years to come too!  

I really feel cheated......
ANewLife4Me ANewLife4Me 46-50, F 18 Responses Jul 14, 2012

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What you wrote, minus the divorce and sexless marriage, sounds exactly like something my wife would have written. I actually pained me to read it, because it was so similar. My wife has moved out of our home and left me behind in a house full of family memories of happier times. I don't know exactly know how it went so wrong, so quick. I think for someone to start a new relationship, while they are still legally married is completely wrong. If you known eachother for 1 1/2 years, when did these feeling for him begin? It may have been a "self-fulfilling prophesy" that your marriage fell apart. I don't know the whole situation you are in, but the idea you have been cheated is not completely your husbands fault. If you knew you were being denied the love and satisfaction you desired, you should have let you husband know how you felt. Not seek it elsewhere. I usually don't like to post negative stuff on here, because we are supposed to support eachother. The idea that this is so close to my situation, it's scary. I don't like to see marriages fall apart, when the main reason is something as simple as communication. You can't point fingers and place blame, because you failed to communicate your feelings to your husband. I'm sorry if this sounds upsetting to you. I don't mean to offend you at all. my wife refuses to speak to me about anything, the break-up, what went wrong or even to give me a second chance. (that I have earned after being together for 28 years) She stopped fighting for us and places the blame on me. It's wrong. I have stayed true to myself, this whole time. She has not, she has done a complete 360, to accomodate her boyfriend. I can proceed with a clear conscious, she cannot. Again, i don't mean to offend you, but I dissagree with infidelity all together. Close the door on one relationship, before opening another.

Just some advice: Don't let your husband tell your kids he didn't want it. Make sure they know that this was equally his fault because he refused to try to make things better or to trust you. Otherwise you risk having them side with him (though I obviously don't know your kids or your relationship with them). I have seen this happen to some of the best mothers I know.<br />
You certainly have been cheated out of the life you want, but in no way is that not "normal" in today's world. There are many like you, and you will find support in unexpected places.<br />
Live happy, do things for yourself, but do not forget the kids. Make sure you do introduce them to your "friend" because that is important to them feeling that you haven't just cut them out of the "good" side of your life. I'd say if you've been dating a month, you should at least let them see him and know that you're going out, even if just shortly before dates.

I know how you feel~

I'm with you, I can never consider marriage again either. It's not that I never had a good marriage, I did. But what about when that lofty concept of marriage changes - and you don't believe in the concept period. and you look at all marriages with skepticism

Thanks for coming back with the update. I hope you will continue to do so. <br />
I send you supportive thoughts from the other side. : )

I understand completely about your comment that you will never marry again. That works for you, for now. I say, work from what is inside of you. Only you know what you need and require in life. We got screwed over by compromising ourselves over the years. Remember that.

You are very strong, lady. You inspire me.

Thanks for the update. I was only thinking the other day about your situation and wondering how it is progressing.<br />
<br />
Keep staying strong. Your nightmare with your soon to be ex will come to an end.<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

Trying to stay strong!

Another Breaks Free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So proud of you.....

I am wary when we put absolutes on our futures. "I will NEVER do this or that." The only thing this way of thinking does is ensure for the short run that you've shut yourself off from any other possibilities.<br />
<br />
This type of thinking also locks in negative self-defeating energies. Yes, your H neglected you, but he's not responsible for the rest of your life. You are. Why not be happy now? Why not let go of the anger and resentment that keep you locked in a pattern of thinking that limits your possibilities?<br />
<br />
I know this so well, and now catch myself when I think, "I will NEVER marry again". The change starts with, "Maybe I'll NEVER marry again" and moves to "I don't know what the future holds and I won't shut myself off from any miracles that come my way." <br />
<br />
It may be time to let go and be open to see what happens.

I have shut myself off from the possibility of marriage. Yes. But I have not shut myself off from the possibility of " love". I have not shut myself off from " living" my life. I want to experience new things. I have Alot of making up to do&amp; I intend on doin it. Trying to let go...

Shutting yourself down is a defensive position and maybe that's exactly what you need to do right now. My hope for you and for all of us in the long run, however, is that we will open ourselves up to everything. I find that if I'm shut down in one area, it spills over into others.

I say exactly the same thing! If and when I ever do decide to leave the marriage that is already over, I am not sure those walls shame and blame can ever come down. Marriage in the true sense of the word is foreign to me. Best of luck to you on this new path of your life.....

Yes, dear, you have been cheated out of many things. It's awful. You're not out yet and you are far from stablized. That will take time. Please don't create absolutes for yourself just yet. <br />
<br />
Princess GiveYourselfTime

You are right Princess....I do need time. I am trying. But I will NEVER marry again! I am soured on the whole concept. I gave lot of years to a marriage, too many! Not again. I won't put myself in this situation where I can't get out.

This post gives me hope, much as I can relate to the anger. Lately I've been feeling that I will never be able to be physical again, the thought just repulses me after all I've been through, not that the sexual part is repulsive but that I can be so betrayed by my feelings. <br />
<br />
You have a lot of courage, and your ex really is a spineless wimp. Good for getting on, thanks for being an inspiration.

The thought repulses me with my spouse. With anyone else, nope! I am making a conscious effort to " live". I want to experience life! I have wasted too many years. No more!

"Don't look back, you're not going that way" - Author Unknown

No! NEVER going that way again! Hell No!

Thanks FOIA for your comment about Financial independence. Take your time with the new man, you are fragile now. It's also completely natural for a women delay gratification for the children's well being--most of us do it

I am fragile. But I am trying to " live" my life as much as I can under my present circumstances.

Your husband is a failure as a person, never mind as a husband, father. He has no self-coping skills, period.<br />
<br />
Leave your feelings as having been cheated on life behind you as soon as you can. You have an awful lot of catching up to do. That could be an awfully good rush. You may want to protect the children, an awful lot of women in your position do exactly what you propose to do. However, try to let yourself develop an open mind as time goes along. Set your own pace, whether it be slow or less slow (!).<br />
<br />
Get out there as soon as you can and just get along with it. Financial independence is an important asset both emotionally and practically. It allows you to set everything else in the proper context, there is less need to compromise yourself in a way you know is unwise.<br />
<br />
Good luck and go for it!

I absolutely agree. He is an utter failure, on so many levels. He really needs to see a therapist. But that is HIS problem. Unfortunately, I financially dependent on him. I will be for quite some time. I plan on getting a job, but I have been legally advised to wait til the divorce is done.

I certainly do have ALOT of catching up to do!

Thank you for your post. It gives me hope.

Yep.<br />
<br />
You have been dudded. Severely dudded.<br />
<br />
Whatever you can do to channel that anger into working for you, into working your way out, will be all to the good.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I am trying Baz. I am definitely stronger than I was. I just try to keep my eye on the end result. It may take another 6 months, a year, but sooner or later, I WILL be divorced. It really sucks living with him in the meantime though. Ugh!