I Feel Cheated!I have been absent from ILIASM for awhile. I don't have ALOT to report regarding my pending divorce, other than it is progressing, at a snail's pace. I am sure I will still be married for quite some time.
My H is still living in the house. It is incredibly difficult coexisting with him. He refuses to leave. Most of the time, we don't speak to each other unless we absolutely HAVE to. We had another argument a few days ago. This resulted in some more verbal insults flung my way.
We finally told my children ( 11 & 8 yrs) that we are divorcing. He still didn't want to tell them. He said he wasn't prepared to tell them. He was served divorce papers in February. What preparations are necessary? It was just another way of him Pretending this would go away, that it wasn't happening. Well, I did all the talking. He just sat there. And then he said, " I don't want this"! Is he kidding? Did he think that statement would help our crying children?! I responded that his comment wasn't helpful. The kids were upset..... Right now, they seem to be ok. (I have a therapy appointment for my son next week.) It would be a great time to transition living between two homes, since it is summer & there's no school. But my H isn't thinking of them. It is still all about HIM!
In the meantime, I have a " friend" who I have been spending time with. So Now my H is correct in his assumption. All of this transpired AFTER the spying gps was removed. ( see my prior story) I am having an affair. We have been physically intimate for about 2 months. We have known each other for a year & a half. He is has been divorced about a year. He has 3 children. (23, 15 & 14 yrs) We both have busy lives, but somehow we scrape together snippets of time. We see each other as much as we can, even if it's just for a few minutes. We truly enjoy each other's company. My time spent with him is filled with laughter. He is so much fun! He LIVES his life. And he really likes me. He has said he is falling for me. And I really like him too. He has introduced me to many of his family members. Since we have known each other for over a year, it has been a fast transition. I hope to spend much more time with him.
I have to report that the scars from my sexless marriage have taken a toll on me. My friend is a wonderful lover. I am thrilled to be with him! However, I can't seem to relax enough to thoroughly enjoy the experience the way I should. I guess 14 plus years without sex will do that to ya! It was painfully obvious how inexperienced I was. Thanks to my H for that one! I have some baggage to work through. Regardless....I REALLY like sex! I was afraid that after wanting it for so long, that when I actually could have it on a somewhat regular basis, I would find that I didn't WANT to have it. Thankfully, I still want to. I would have it every day if I could, sometimes twice. And this got me thinking.......
I have been cheated! I have been cheated out of a normal life! You know, the kind of life where you go to work, take care of the kids, and do chores. Then, after the kids go to sleep, you take a shower & spend a few hours with your spouse being intimate.....emotionally & physically. It is the kind of life where you have a TRUE partner who cares about your happiness. You share your thoughts & feelings, as well as your body. This knowledge that I have been cheated is up close & personal now that I have experienced what a "normal" relationship can be. And I will NEVER have what I always wanted!
Don't get me wrong....I have intimacy in my life now. I will have more of it. But I will NEVER marry again. Maybe someday when my children are grown, I would consider living with someone, but that is over a decade away! My children are young ( 11 & 8). I won't even introduce them to anyone I am involved with at this point. Even if I am " in love", I have to keep them shielded.
So, even though I will be free of the chains that bind me to my sexless marriage, Someday. I will never have the kind of life that I have always wanted. The kind of life that is made up of simple, everyday, intimate moments, shared by partners, who love each other.
My sexless marriage has cheated me out of SO much! I have given 28 years of my life to my husband. Those years are gone & the past can't be changed, I know. But my sexless marriage is going to impact my future for many years to come too!
I really feel cheated......