One Hangover Down, Three To GoI wrote a story last night that somehow didnt publish but I am thankful. It gives me a chance to begin again without so much alcohol in my system. Today's story may be more clear.
If you have read my last stories you know that my H and I have dicussed separation to the extreme level. In fact, we had the discussion 3 weeks ago yesterday. He didnt seem much phased by it and didnt fight it. Two days later he switched the kids to his insurance card, talked to a lawyer friend, told his parents and split up our things on a piece of paper. Stupidly, I was surprised wondering why he did all this so fast. So I retaliated back with a plan I had been putting into the works for 4-6 weeks. I decided to bail on the in-laws 50th wedding anniversary week in Boston.I wanted to go but felt it would be a lie. So plan B was to help my aging parents move from my childhood home. They didnt ask, I offered. They know about our impending separation. It would be a time to be with them,help and the facade of celebrating with my H's family would be avoided.
Well they packed up and drove out of the driveway mid afternoon and I missed them the minute I couldn't see them anymore. My daughter cried and my son hugged me twice. H barely touched me in the hug and I know I am not a friend of the family anymore. I can count on one hand the times I have cried in the last year, and I bawled like a baby when I came back into the house. I composed myself, went to the grocery store, watched golf and started drinking.
I feel like I made a big mistake.
I am missing a good time with people I normally love. I miss my kids. I need to stay away from facebook so I dont see the updates from the in-laws. I feel like my world is falling apart, I am making poor decisions and thinking only of myself.
Although I want desparately for this to disappear it is racing towards the end, and it doesn't feel good.
I am trying to keep myself busy. I will go to church, attend a few open houses and look for some possibilities. I will force myself to get out of the house, hit golf balls or walk the dogs (again). If I can't handle this, how will I handle a separation? But it is obvious H has lost all feelings toward me. So I must continue on this path. Free time shouldn't be this hard.
golferel 41-45, F 6 Responses 0 Jul 15, 2012