One Hangover Down, Three To Go

I wrote a story last night that somehow didnt publish but I am thankful. It gives me a chance to begin again without so much alcohol in my system. Today's story may be more clear.

If you have read my last stories you know that my H and I have dicussed separation to the extreme level. In fact, we had the discussion 3 weeks ago yesterday. He didnt seem much phased by it and didnt fight it. Two days later he switched the kids to his insurance card, talked to a lawyer friend, told his parents and split up our things on a piece of paper. Stupidly, I was surprised wondering why he did all this so fast. So I retaliated back with a plan I had been putting into the works for 4-6 weeks. I decided to bail on the in-laws 50th wedding anniversary week in Boston.I wanted to go but felt it would be a lie. So plan B was to help my aging parents move from my childhood home. They didnt ask, I offered. They know about our impending separation. It would be a time to be with them,help and the facade of celebrating with my H's family would be avoided.

Well they packed up and drove out of the driveway mid afternoon and I missed them the minute I couldn't see them anymore. My daughter cried and my son hugged me twice. H barely touched me in the hug and I know I am not a friend of the family anymore. I can count on one hand the times I have cried in the last year, and I bawled like a baby when I came back into the house. I composed myself, went to the grocery store, watched golf and started drinking.

I feel like I made a big mistake.

I am missing a good time with people I normally love. I miss my kids. I need to stay away from facebook so I dont see the updates from the in-laws. I feel like my world is falling apart, I am making poor decisions and thinking only of myself.

Although I want desparately for this to disappear it is racing towards the end, and it doesn't feel good.

I am trying to keep myself busy. I will go to church, attend a few open houses and look for some possibilities. I will force myself to get out of the house, hit golf balls or walk the dogs (again). If I can't handle this, how will I handle a separation? But it is obvious H has lost all feelings toward me. So I must continue on this path. Free time shouldn't be this hard.

golferel golferel 41-45, F 6 Responses Jul 15, 2012

Your Response


Here in our state the law says you have to be separated for a year before you can file for divorce. Embrace that law. Don't try to circumvent in, and don't let your H try to either. You are at the very beginning of your separation. I'm am only a few weeks from the end. This has been the most cathartic year of my entire life. I have spent this time learning about me. I know that sounds so cliche...but it's true!! It's very scary at first, but it gets so much better. I pray that you have the same type of experience. I know everything feels so empty and numb right now. But guess what, there's a real person inside you. She's vibrant. She's beautiful. She's smart. And She's important! I'm sure there are people in your life who would tell you all this just like I am, but the really cool part happens when you figure it out for yourself! Just hang in there, and I would be happy to talk to you any time you want. *sitting by your side*

~ Rosi

About a year ago, you wrote this -

- "Maybe I should just give it up once and for all. I am living like this. So I dont have sex, havent had it for years anyway. What will I do with my new freedom anyway? I certainly dont want to date or start ANY form of relationship. I will miss the kids like crazy and I have a part time job that pays ****. How will I survive anyway? I guess my hope will be that my H agrees to separate and will want a divorce too. I have such a hard time walking away. If he was fine with a separation, great. But, in typical refuser style, he is happy as is"

Pasted this here for one main reason. It seems your thoughts then (above, over a year ago) were thoughts you processed, went through, and went onward from. Seems to me that you might recognise your thoughts in THIS story, as ones you have had before, and overcome before.

Tread your own path. (It is rarely a straight line)

CHANGE! It is so painful and hard - even when it is for the best of reasons. Dear Golferel, those of us who have left have (probably) ALL been in your current shoes. There are only a few lucky people who can walk away unscathed.

Things to do!

* Remember that NOW is the hardest time - and the same thing will happen when you actually separate. This is because it is so raw. You have NO other memories to recall. All of your thoughts are with your marriage. This is normal - but it does make it so very hard.

* Treat yourself. Be kind to yourself. Take yourself to the movies. Have a massage. Whatever you like. . . AVOID long lunches with girlfriends where you minutely dissect all the things that you are feeling. They can come later!

* If time allows, set yourself some difficult task that takes a lot of physical labour - clean out the junk room; weed the garden; go for a hike . . .

* Keep your mind occupied with other things. Watch dvds. Read books. Complete that work assignment. Go onto Google and look up any subject at all in which you have an interest (except relationships!) and read what you can about it.

* When you feel like crying, give yourself permission to bawl your eyers out! A good long weep is often balm for the soul.

And know that we are here for you. {{{Hugs}}}

As Enna30 pointed out in her recent story, divorce ain't easy, no matter what the reason. You said "If I can't handle this, how will I handle a separation?" but you ARE handling it. Your handling it just as well as any of us here who have separated. You're going to grieve and cry, you're going to vent to friends, you're going to vent here on EP, and maybe even to a personal counselor. You're going to re-invent your life. And while going through that, you're going to be doing all the essential exit plan things. It's a very busy, emotionally exhausting time. But you WILL get through it.

And yes, in the long term, things will be MUCH better.

I think there's little more powerful than 2 or more minds that have the same thought and move toward it with action. There is good news in this...H is finally on the same page with you.

But, it's real now. That is the release you are feeling. It is mixed with sadness, possible regret, grieving over what you had/didn't have/thought you had, and maybe even a twinge of relief. Everyone is grieving, and you must allow for this for yourself, your kids and your H. We all grieve differently, and one can't predict how it will actualize.

Yesterday, my H left for a trip to visit his family 1800 miles away. He is driving alone - he wanted the solitude and his purpose is to tell his famly about our impending separation and about the problems in their family that have left bit scars on everyone. He's not really a brave man - at least that's not behavior I've often seen him exhibit, but this trip fo him is very brave. I had an morning meeting and agreed to meet him for lunch prior to his departure. Though we are completely on the same page with our decision and the kids know, I stood in the parking lot saying goodbye and weeping as though he was leaving forever. Once he tells his family, that removes another obstacle to the ending of this relationship. Everytime an obstacle is removed, the reality of the decision takes up more space.

I guess what I'm saying is you did the right thing - staying behind. It would not have been good for you. Your tears are both grief and release - and for what it's worth, I've found alcohol makes me feel better while I'm drinking it, but worse the next day so I've tried to find healthier alternatives to the need to relax and escape. I actually have a depressive reaction to it the following day.

Just because it's the right path doesn't mean it's the easiest. Your H's acquiescence is a sign from the universe that one of the final obstacles to your freedom has been removed. Scary and exciting at the same time.

I'm walking beside you - it's not fun but it's been a long journey, and I know the sun will be shining when the final, final decision is made for you and for me.

Thanks, MTT. Those are nice words. It is nice to know someone is walking the same path with me right now. And for what it's worth, I think I am sticking with that one hangover. They are a little more brutal than I remember!

Yes once the wheels start turning it is easy to feel like you've made a mistake. Yet one can not live with the status quo. Stay the course and you will be a better person and a better mom.

Why did your H switch the kids to his card? Are you OK with this?

"Stupidly, I was surprised wondering why he did all this so fast". I don't understand why you say "stupidly" here.

Be strong. Things may get worse in the short term, they will get better in the long term.

We are on the same insurance plan, but my name has always been with the kids bc I take them to the doctor almost all the time. But when settling some of the finances he said he would pay for the kids' insurance. I am greatful for that.