How Can I Mentally Prepare For Separation?

That may be a silly question to ask because I'm sure there isnt any one way.

I gave my H until November to get counseling, keep his diabetes controlled and seek real treatment for his ED. November because by then, I will have enough money saved up to get a place on my own for my son and I. Then, I can start saving up for a divorce filing with all the fixings if all 3 of those things don't improve. I'm 90% sure they(he) won't.

But for the sake of my little guy, I want to be as stable and effective as possible. So what are some things I can do to prepare us mentally? My son is 2 but will be very near 3 at that point, if that helps.
DesertedDesert DesertedDesert
26-30, F
7 Responses Jul 16, 2012

I am surprised that I am not grieving much about the upcoming separation. Rather I am looking forward to it with joy and hope. I think the 4 years of SM was enough grieving for the dying marriage.

I left my ex when my sons were two and five. Keep their structure consistent and DO NOT parent out of guilt. speak highly of their dad, whether you think he's an @#$ or not, and work to create a stable home without tension. Otherwise, you will have some lonely days as you adjust but remind yourself of what you left. Good luck.

I haven't even left yet and W is training the 3-year old girl to say "I want to stay with Mama and Daddy together"

The best way to prepare is to plan for the worst and start planning your divorce today. <br />
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Treat your situation as if it was a business or a real estate deal that needs to close soon. Sometimes that helps separate the emotions from the work. <br />
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I have a question: Do you still desire your husband?

I'm not sure. I still desire sex but its been so long that we had really meaningful sex or sex at all for that matter, that I'm just not sure. I still love him but you can love someone you don't particularly desire, as I am sure you know.

You're so young! Follow your instincts...

one of the coping techniques I used...and I'm not saying it's healthy...or right...but it worked:<br />
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I made plans to separate (tactical - where would I live, how would i pay the bills, etc)<br />
Didn't tell him until 3 weeks prior<br />
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Whenever I felt guilty..whenever I felt like I "should" talk to him...whenever I felt pity/empathy...I had certain events that had occured that I then replayed in my head. It kept me centered and focused. <br />
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We back together...and then he left and we are now divorced. If I could go back, I would ahve separated, divorced and been done. The reconciliation was a huge mistake. Everybodys experience is different...this is just mine.

Running with LadyA's comment...I maintain(ed) a blog. Whenever he attempted reconciliation (through guilt, flowers, or whatever), I'd reference the blog to remind myself why I was leaving.

Oh, but those Outlook invites always left me weak in the

Thank you all. I will be taking this advice and running with it!

Me toooo

All possible air needs to be let out of the emotional balloon.<br />
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Thinking of him as dispassionately as you possibly can. Thinking of him as an aquaintence who is living with you at the moment. Due appropriate respect and courtesy - as are you.<br />
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It would be wise to choose not to engage in any conversation about what he is doing about his issues. If he wants to talk about that you'll do no harm to listen, but you'd do well to keep clear of any "discussion" at this point. Certainly, no 'advice' by you as to what he is doing, and no criticism of it either. Leave him to it.<br />
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Phrases like "I understand". "mmmm". "I can see why you might think that". "That's interesting". And other non commital phrases are useful.<br />
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If you haven't already, see a lawyer in your jurisdiction. <br />
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As you have given him until November to address his ****, there ought be NO discussion of the fate of the marriage until October at the earliest. You will have a really good idea of how seriously he is taking working on his **** by then.<br />
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As far as possible, you need to adopt a position of "detached ob<x>jective observer" at this time. NOT distraught spouse.<br />
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Tread your own path.

if i borrow this advice...
for myself?
joyinthejourney, clg

The only advice i can offer to mentally prepare you is to completely disengage from any form of reliance from your husband. This includes fiancially, emotionally, dont rely on him to lookafter your child etc. Complete Disengagement.<br />
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That way you will of basically been doing everything for yourself until November.<br />
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Other than that i dont think you could ever be fully prepared for Seperation/Divorce but being organised can sure minimise the impact.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck