I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Is It Me Or Him

By: Mavethe

Written on July 16th, 2012

hello I just want to write my story down here because at this moment I am totally confussed about what is going on in my marriage
I am 44 years old en my husband is 54 we have been together for 5 years which 1 year of marriage.

When I first met my husband he was honest to me and told me that he had some problems with sex due to something with his prostate. I always have supported him in any way with this problem. I was understanding about if we couldnt go all the way but we made that up to each other in a different way.
After our marriage I started to notice that things really changed in that regard.Never coming to bed with me always staying up untill I am asleep or when I was still awake turning the light of as soon as he step in the bed.

After thinking about this and all the things that has happend I am so confussed. We had a huge fight a few weeks ago and he said to me FU and my response was at that moment I Wish then he bluntly told me to start lossing weight if i wanted to have sex and I could be more sexier in bed but how if he let me feel i am not wanted. My whole world collapsed when he said that.
Its not that I am overweighted only thing I have is some babyfat around the tummy.

After being so upset when the told me that I ran out of the house and went away for hours I needed to think get my anger away from me. I didnt wanted to say anything I would regret afterwards. After coming back and trying to talk to him he refused to talk to me He was angry he said but I kept trying. My first words where Did you lie from the beginning to me No reaction. Why did you marry me. No reaction.

When I told him have you looked in the mirror lately your not a foto model his reaction was that is not my problem and not the issue here.
So being to fat in his eyes is basicly my problem so I said to him ok I will try to loss the weight around my belly but you know what comes around goes around. Who knows maybe afterwards I am not interessted in you anymore. That made him quiet and suddenly more open to what I had to say.
However I never got to the bottom if he lied to me in the beginning. Caught him on lying about other things now too.

After a few weeks me lossing weight and he is still himself he get kranky now. I go to the gym have fun he is kranky What did you do there, who did you saw there. It looks like he is jealous now.
We had friends over for dinner so I told them that I am gonna try to stop smoking also his first reaction was OMG a dieting none smoker bah. So I asked him why that reaction. His answer I lived with my ex like that. Every time something his wrong he compaire me with his Ex. This isnt fair I never compaired him with my ex. The thing that hurts the most is when he say I dont need you in my life. I want you in my life but then i think for what.. To take care of him like a maid.

Not a cuddle only a kiss on the lips when he comes home from work. I get more attention and cuddles from my cat.

Is it fair of him to refuse me anything in the bedroom because he has a twisted brain faillure about things.
Is it fair from me to ask for his attention. I am a women who needs affection and attention not to let me feel better about myself but because I think thats normal if you love someone.

I fell in love with him the way he is and now I found out he doesnt see it the same way.
I have talked with some people about this and they said to me is he having some problems of his own maybe because he is getting older I know that happens that men also go through a kind of meno pauze.

I am so confussed about what is going on and I have to say I havent done any good for my self esteem at this moment.
Could it be that he has ED but I will never find that out because he refuss to see a doctor I guess his ego is to big. There is never anything wrong with him its always my fault or problem.

By: Mavethe

Age: 41-45 , Female

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32 responses

genguy

Face it...You fell into a relationship too soon after his divorce....It's run it's course...Normally called a "REBOUND" relationship....ADVICE: Get out of it! Find someone that loves and ADORES you!

Jul 21, 2012
1 like
mvcmvc

Your husband did not marry you for the same reasons you married him. You already know this -----"I fell in love with him the way he is and now I found out he doesnt see it the same way."

You married for love, he married to have an 11 year younger woman around, for maid service and to not live alone.

This dynamic will not change. He has told you so in words and actions. He has told you he does not need you. He needs your maid service.

Either accept this subpar status or do something about it. The husband is not going to help you get to living a higher quality of life.

Ask yourself these questions: What value does this man add to my life?

What value does he subtract?

Jul 20, 2012
1 like
G0ldylocks

Get help, if he will not, get some for yourself and get out.

Jul 17, 2012
1 like
louiseshaw

He's controlling you and using your confusion to further control you. He's deflecting his problems on to you and blaming his ED on your tummy, when you know he had the problem before you even got married, regardless of your tummy. He is probably deflecting other problems onto you in your marriage, if you think about it. For whatever reason, and you don't need to find out why, he is refusing to take responsibility for his own issues, and is turning the burden over to you. This confuses you, allows him to feel blameless and self satisfied, and keeps you trying harder and harder to please him. Classic control and emotional abuse by an insecure individual. It won't get any better; it will just get worse. I am glad you are getting a grasp on this early! Now act on it!

Jul 17, 2012
2 likes
1prettygirl

It sounds like he is not completely in love w/ u like a spouse should be.I have been w/ mine for 5 yrs also,i gained 20lbs,pregnant 2 times..and he is still all over me.I say i'm fat now babe,he says ,nope ur PHAT and hott as hell.Try and get some help hun,this is not good.

Jul 17, 2012
4 likes
- 1prettygirl
  I'm sorry:(
  
  Jul 17, 2012
  1 like
- Mavethe
  I am trying
  
  Jul 17, 2012
  1 like
R23Olympic

There's a lot of good advice here. I'll second it.

One side effect if losing weight and toning up is that your self esteem will increase. But if your H doesn't notice, you'll resent him even more.

As you start this journey, be prepared to face new realities. You might just find that there is a new path in your future.

Jul 17, 2012
3 likes
ZigMcZag

Get a divorce.

Never trust a man who does not sleep with his wife.

It sounds like your husband does not love you.

Jul 17, 2012
4 likes
GibbySan

You will find that when you've lost weight and toned up that he still won't have sex with you.

Then he'll tell you that you nag him too much.

Or that now you're too skinny.

It's not you, it's him.

Jul 17, 2012
4 likes
morningteatime

I think it matters little what he does at this point. It matters what you do. He is clearly not the man you thought he was, and it might be better to cut your losses before your financial/legal entanglements become greater.

If he truly has trouble with his prostate, then this may have a huge impact on his self-esteem. I feel men lose self-esteem when their performance ability wanes. It takes a secure, loving, safe relationship to work through that. But both parties must be on the same page. It sounds to me like he's shut you out of his intimate life.

There is a pattern firmly established in your relationship now. You don't trust him; you don't feel safe with him and for some reason, he doesn't feel safe with you either. You can't fix this - it's nothing you did. He can't accept his issues so he wants to blame you...a typical, passive-aggressive pattern.

So, as I started out saying...the key to your happiness is what you do for yourself. He's not going to do it for you - it's your life, and it's time to live it regardless of whether you stay with him or not.

btw - I think I would set a boundary with him as I have done with my H. If he starts saying mean things because he's not able to deal with his pain, I stop him and say, "I won't let you say mean things to me and right now you are being mean. If you wish to continue this conversation, then let's do it thoughtfully. If you can't, then there is no point in having such a conversation."

Jul 17, 2012
6 likes
- Mavethe
  Everytime I try to talk I say can we talk in a normal way and when he start raising his voice I tell him that I am done talking and that I will talk to him if he can do it in a normal way but he keeps going then and afterwards its like ok I am over it now and for me the fun start then because my blood is boiling then. Its like talking to a wall
  
  Jul 17, 2012
  1 like
- morningteatime
  Then I think you know the answer to your questions. He's simply not the guy for you - maybe he never was, but now he's definitely not.
  
  Jul 18, 2012
  1 like
sinathamby

love is not a relationship.what we call relationship is actually bondage and attachment and from there all hell starts jealously possessiveness and all nonsense starts.love is a state one is lovefull and there is no moment he can be otherwise.this loves goes undirected. it goes to everyone and everywhere. what we call love romantic is an involvement with the other.after the honeymoon is over the divorce.romantic love is a necessary evil to know reality.otherwise one doesn't know who is he or she

Jul 18, 2012
1 like
Chai07

Though this quote is written for men, it applies equally for women:

"You can love and respect yourself enough to end an abusive relationship with a person who is more interested in controlling you and using you as a whipping post and target of blame for her self-created unhappiness than she is in loving and accepting you, and having a mature relationship." (Shrink for men)

Jul 17, 2012
3 likes
zsuzsilowinger

You know what a loving partner does when they feel their spouse has put on too much weight? If anything. They may say "sweet, let's get healthy together, let's join a gym and let's spend money on better foods". They don't say "you are too fat and unattractive".

Every time he turns it onto YOU, it works - you go off trying to "better" yourself, and you go off feeling guilty. He's hiding something - whether it's that he can't get it up anymore, or he's just a miserable a**shole - none of that has ANYTHING to do with how YOU look or what YOU are doing.

Keep exercising - for yourself. Stop smoking - for yourself. And get out of this he**hole of a marriage - for yourself. You deserve someone who will treat you with respect.

Jul 17, 2012
2 likes
kim1944

He has made it very clear that he doesn't want you but wants you to be miserable with him. My ex was like this.....please receive this message and move on. It seems to me after reading a lot of posts on this site that people have trouble accepting that they're spouse simply doesn't want them and there's nothing they can do beyond live with it or leave. Please get yourself a better life, you deserve it.

Jul 17, 2012
2 likes
languished

There can be no hope, until you begin to see his issues do not belong to you. Every circumstance differs, yet it does sound as though he's reflecting his issues back onto you. Try to determine what you've learned, or are learning from it all about yourself. You're not responsible for how he feels, nor that he can't trust you. These types of issues play out each and everyday in many many relationships. They manifest themselves in different ways (ie: sexless marriages), yet they are NOT uncommon. I understand this forum is more of a venting, confession type of thing....though I feel it's important to keep perspective.

Jul 17, 2012
3 likes
gypsyblu

what he says,

and what he does,

is two different things and he knows it !!!

it is done to keep you confused

and focused on him...

I lived with such a man for 10 years ...

only advice i can give you is focus on ur self, not him,

he is a lost cause !!!

p/s I'm a natural blonde and the way u think has nothing to do with hair color!

he has you where he wants you.... wondering /worrying about his actions... what he is going to do next, what he means by so and so...

if you keep buying into his game you will make ur self mad!!! crazy- believe me, i lived with a guy just like yours for 10 years.

and yes it is true that a predator can act 4 years 5 years 20 years..

until they find the perfect victim that they can groom .. you were/are a perfect victim,

that is what he loves about you ... ur a good victim !! nothing more/ nothing less.

he has you in a whirl wind and he knows it!!!

Jul 17, 2012
3 likes
gypsyblu

he got marriad to make you his victim..

he is a classic predator

nice and agreeable until he gets what he wants,

then he really shows who he is !

Jul 17, 2012
2 likes
- Mavethe
  The problem is i dont know any more who he is.
  He tells me that he loves me and that i am the love of his life why does he treat me like this then.
  Maybe i am blond but i cant believe that someone can be nice for 4 years and then change
  
  Jul 17, 2012
  1 like
- bazzar
  Would it make more sense if you thought about it this way. That what you see in front of you now is the genuine article, but he managed to put on an act for the first 4 years.
  
  Jul 17, 2012
  1 like
- Mavethe
  If thats true he is a damn good actor :(
  
  Jul 17, 2012
  1 like
- gypsyblu
  hell yea he is a good actor ! he has to be, to get what he wants.. he knows no other way . you will never see who he really is, he wont show his real face ever ! he hates who he is! dont for one second feel sorry for him ! ...run forest run !!!
  
  Jul 17, 2012
  1 like
- bazzar
  Well, you know he's a liar. In your own words - "Caught him on lying about other things now too"
  
  Jul 17, 2012
  1 like
- sinathamby
  it is not love but bondage and attachment that cause your misery.people change we can't change them.what you can do is change yourself and see the situation changes itself when we change.but you have transform yourself.
  
  Jul 17, 2012
  1 like
3 More Replies
Chai07

Welcome to ILIASM. Please, stick around and read the stories and comments - as many as you can manage. The more you read, the clearer things will become.

"There is never anything wrong with him its always my fault or problem." - we hear ya!

It's not you. It's him.

Jul 17, 2012
2 likes
Mavethe

I have that feeling now too but he wasnt like that in the beginning it started after we got married.

Jul 17, 2012
1 like
- bazzar
  When it started is largely irrelevant to your predicament. The key issue is when it finishes, or when you finish it.
  
  Jul 17, 2012
  1 like
juneyjkb

This story sounds familiar to me

He is one unhappy man and misery loves company

I am divorced now

Oh and I to lost a lot of weight that did not make one bit of difference it just made me realize it was never me at all really

Jul 17, 2012
1 like
- juneyjkb
  He is trying to make you as miserable as himself
  
  Jul 17, 2012
  1 like
bazzar

I reckon you are confused, because these are not the actions of a loving, honest, engaged husband.

If however, you altered your perspective, you'd see that these actions are perfectly in sync in a scenario where the husband is not loving, not honest and not engaged.

So an objective 3rd person here would conclude that your husband is unloving, dishonest and disengaged.

The story reads as a terminally dysfunctional and untenable (for you) situation.

Got an exit strategy ??

Tread your own path.

Jul 17, 2012
3 likes

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