Sexless At 29

We're young. We've been married just shy of two years. Things are progressively getting more and more tense. Currently I am not even talking to my husband and we're on day two of this. I just don't know what to do, where to start so the least mentally taxing thing while I sort through my feelings is to just be alone. We fight a lot about sex.. Or lack there of. I dealt with it for a long time but it's getting to a point where I feel undesirable, unsexy, unloved. After I actually brought up the fact that I was feeling this way, lots of excuses were made. Husband saying, "I never have the energy" was prominent. "When I start working out it will change since I'll have more energy, I'm sure if it".. I say, "Yeah, right." I say this because it's been about three months since we started our new workout routines. We've had sex once. I told him during another fight about this that I am over the excuses and that I believe there's a deeper issue behind it. So then, he started using that as his reason which I will explain a little in the next paragraph starting "He's 30 and I'm 29".. The other night, we tried. It never happened. He made some joke or something to "lighten the mood" (no idea why he felt that was needed), then he actually asked me if I wanted to have sex.. Not because he thought he had to- because I must have given him the impression that maybe I didn't although I was lying in bed with him in complete darkness. I told him it was awkward to ask me like that, then it seemed he thought I was instantly in a bad mood so he got all moody-like when he thinks he's upset me.

He's 30 and I'm 29. Married less than two years... Why is this such a problem? There are deeper issues. He doesn't like when I fix something he's done or tell him he left a mess, or when I complain of being overwhelmed since I do all of our shopping and errands. Sure there are things we don't like about each other, I just choose to try and bring things to his attention and he chooses to ignore my flaws. I do tell him sometimes when I think he's lacking attention to detail in things he does... Because I constantly gave to go behind him to clean his crumbs off the counter or rinse the sink out after he rinses a dish (for example). I guess I've made him dislike me- to the point where he doesn't even want to have sex with me and now even when we try something goes wrong. I've told him that I worry he'll go and find it elsewhere even though I know that's not "him". I've been cheated on before so that us definitely an insecurity issue for me. Another insecurity issue and part of why sex rarely happens is I have issues with initiating anything. This has been an issue for me my whole life. He knew this before he married me but I guess it's just finally bothering him. He says it's hard to always be the one initiating. I can understand where he's coming from but for some reason I just can't get over my fears of rejection I guess... Especially now since I feel like he doesn't want me sexually. I worry he'll say no or something which oh makes my issue of initiating even more difficult to try and overcome.

As it stands, we're not really talking (or me not talking to him, really). He still says "I love you" before we go to sleep, "Have a good day" before we head off to work and "Hi" when I come home. (That's another issue- a simple "Hi" when we get home for the day). We used to "greet" eachother with a kiss. That stopped years ago when he was trying to hide smoking from me. He lied to me about that constantly, and I could always smell it through the lies (literally). So he stopped kissing me except good night for the most part since he knew he'd be busted if I could smell/taste it. This started a routine of no more kisses (and maybe even close contact in general now that I think about it..) except good bye and good night. Now I am rather confident he's finally quit once and for all since I never smell it anymore. He probably gave up since he had an accident which resulted in losing his sense of smell.. so now it'd be even harder for him to hide it from me since he can't smell himself! But... the trend of no kisses except good bye and good night remains for the MOST part.

Today will be day two of me not really wanting to talk. I cried all night the night this happened... the night the issue where we tried to be intimate and it backfired. After an hour or so he came in and just cuddled around me until he went to sleep. Then I started crying even more after I had stopped while he was cuddling me, because one, I was upset that he just went to bed, and two, I'm just so worried, at a loss really. I cried for a while then I got up and had a glass of wine to try and calm down. I then tried to go to bed, and got maybe two hours of sleep all night. It makes me so angry that he can just go to sleep and sleep like a rock while I am miserable and awake. Maybe that's selfish. A
t first this issue was small and I had hope that it would get better. It did every now and again but always fell back to the same pattern. Now, it's just consistent, and we have sex maybe 5 times a year. Its getting to a point where I'm not sure what to do or how to fix it. My tolerance for this is becoming shorter and shorter.

I feel like its all my fault because of my nagging and insecurity issues keeping me from initiating. But I don't know how to overcome my, and our issues. Another major issue is seeing our friends around us soooooooo in love, touchy feely, sweet.. And we don't really have that. Hubby isn't super touchy feely or kissy-kissy to the level they are. And I have friends who are always talking about how awesome their husbands are giving them flowers, cleaning the house, and just general random acts of romance. I've told hubby I wish we had that, like we used to. Honestly, my friends are making me feel worse about the state of my marriage and myself.

I bought a book entitled "Passionate Marriage" which people swear transformed their marriage. I hope it helps. I am just so frustrated and at a loss as to why it is like this so early on. I feel we're doomed.
princesspeanut princesspeanut
26-30, F
19 Responses Jul 17, 2012

He's doomed, not you.
You have your whole love life before you.

In reading through the replies again, I'd say read and re-read enna30's post several times. There's a wealth there for you that can lead you to a clearer, happier place.

PS-- Not familiar with the book, but I hope it brings some genuine insight. :)

Hi there Princess. Nice to make your acquaintance. First off, pay no heed to those who offer harsh off the cuff put-downs. You deserve better than that. This is a somewhat difficult medium to communicate complex situations and concepts in without being wordy, and I appreciate your struggles in that regard. I believe I have some insights that might be best exchanged in emails only because they can get wordy. One of the things I would want to discuss further is the fact that he does not hold up his end of chores, responsibilities, etc. Perhaps some of those things need to go un-done, bills paid late, car not fixed, etc for his need for change to become front and center with a light shining on it for him to see and trip over until he either changes of his own accord or his life falls apart so much that you'd be encouraged to move on by everyone. Again its hard to seek insight of needs and the best solutions in such a condensed medium. You are seeking help by virtue of writing here and you ultimately only have control over your own choices, not his or anyone's. Drop a line if you're interested. If not, that's okay too.<br />

Dd you ever think that maybe complaining so much might take all the fun out of being around you? Or maybe he is having a physical problem and doesn't or feels he cann't talk about it. Do you ever say I love you and need you to him?

Yes I do say those things to him :)

PP, Wow! You HAVE stirred the hornet's nest!! So many comments - and much truth and value in them all, even though some are harshly delivered.<br />
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My advice (which is basically that of the other posters) is this:<br />
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1) Chill! Learn to control that urge to "correct" him. He is your partner, your spouse. It is not your place to "correct" him. Plus, you are obviously a compulsive controller - and that will NOT be a good trait when you have children. Children are messy. They make mistakes. But they need loving and tolerant guidance, not "correcting".<br />
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If you plan on being married for a long time, and on having a family, you really DO need to get this aspect of your personality under control. I encourage you to seek individual counselling for this. It is likely to be an outcome of your upbringing coupled with your personality, so it will be hard to address without professional help. Please seek this help for the sake of your marriage, your future children, and above all, yourself.<br />
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2) Decide which of his behaviours (or non-behaviours!) are THE most important. Talk to him about this and tell him these are deal breakers. And YOU take care of anything else! Yes, it is frustrating if you are a neat person whose spouse is very casual about neatness, but that is YOUR problem. If you want neat, then you keep it neat.<br />
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And this is not just about "neat" - but any other characteristic that is very important to you, but does not figure in his scheme of things.<br />
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3) Set up systems whereby your household bills are paid, etc. that do NOT involve your husband remembering to do them (such as direct debit). Ensure YOUR life is protected from his inattention to detail.<br />
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And then, leave him alone. Let him experience the consequences of his own failure to act. He forgets to go to the doctor - he runs out of tablets. He forgets to put petrol in the car - he needs to call road service. I'm sure you understand what I'm getting at. You are acting like a parent by chasing him all the time to do the things he needs to do (or you feel he needs to do). This results in him NOT experiencing the consequences of his own actions or inactions. He will never change while you do that.<br />
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4) Take responsibility for your own feelings about avoiding initiating. Discuss these with your counsellor. Seek help to overcome your resistance to this.<br />
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THINK about how you behave - and how he behaves. Recognise that you, without intending to, are expecting him to accept your problem (difficulty in initiating) but that you cannot or will not accept HIS "problems".<br />
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Matrure adults take responsibility for their own behaviour. They ACT on those things that are a problem -they do not simply expect their partners to accommodate them.<br />
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I'm sure your husband thought that, with time and his love, you could overcome your reluctance to initiate. Now he sees this is NOT the case, and he is starting to resent it.<br />
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So YOU need to take positive action here to overcome this issue. <br />
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And may I suggest you ask him to help you? Tell him you WANT to initiate and can he give you advice, support and encouragement to do so.<br />
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Marriage is SO much more than two single people joining together to live their individual lives in one house. Cooperation and compromise are vital on BOTH sides. You may think I'm telling you that all the change must come from you - NO! HE needs to change too. <br />
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But you cannot change another person - you can only change yourself. And hopefully your changes will act as a catalyst for him to choose to change . . . . And if you work hard on yorself and do your best and he fails to do anything, THEN you might need to accept that this marriage cannot succeed. You do NOT have to put up with everything he hands out - but you DO need to be clear on what things are genuine deal breakers as opposed to annoying habits.<br />
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Good Luck!!

Wow, when I responded yesterday, I read your story pretty quickly. Others here have gone for detailed dissection. Take it all with a grain of salt, please. <br />
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When I suggested the possibility of marriage counseling, it was from the point of view of helping the two of you review (or possibly, figure out for the first time) what you each expect in marriage, what your vision is for your marriage, and how you're going to make it happen - together, as a team. That can include talking about daily responsibilities, as well as the fun and the joy. <br />
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One other comment:<br />
Feeling like you're a parent or a caregiver, not a lover: un-hot.<br />
Feeling like you have a parent instead of a lover: also un-hot. <br />
Being fully adult partners together in life, and all it involves: very hot.

Many things you relate, resonate with members here and they may be projecting their own situation upon yours. Don't take offense. A relationship is comprised of 2 people, the sum of each contributing to the whole. Since we only control what we do as individuals, it's better to conentrate on things you can do, rather than what the other is or isn't doing.

As I read first question is "Why does she feel the need to control her husband?". Has he done something in the past that affected your feeling of trust? Nothing you've related regarding his behaviours seem largely atypical, yet your responses to them do. They sound...exagerated, or magnified. Why is that? You've withdrawn from him by taking a non-speaking position. It sounds as though you may have done that to "punish" him, or in an attempt to force him to take notice, or out of frustration. I would suggest you take this time to self-reflect honestly as to why you feel the need to control him. Generally speaking, people who are unduly critical of others, deep down are more critical of themselves...if it's the case here, why is that? We don't control anyone, other than ourselves.

He doesn't get his own things done. Errands like oil changes, calling doctors, billing issues, etc. I have to take care of because if i leave it to him it'll never get done. This has caused me to distrust that he can or will get things done. So yes, in a way he has done something to cause these fellings or part of this problem. Lots of you here are focusing on me nagging or being like his mom.. Well this is why. And no one seems to think that the way he is is an problem, that it's all me and I need to fix me to fix this. I think we both do, not just me. He needs to take care of his own things and i take care of my things and help him as needed. Im not just simply always like this, nagging or whatever. Something created these feelings and situation. We both have a hand in this and it isn't solely me. I'm a bit insulted this morning reading some of the responses because I came here for help or guidance and this AM I was bombarded with posts about how much I suck as a wife, basically, and that it's all my fault that he doesn't care to be intimate often. I said it once and ill say it again, I know I have issues and things I need to work on but it's not solely me. I appreciate all if the time everyone spent on my post and most if the responses were very helpful but I didn't come here to be one sided or criticized when I'm not the only one causing the problem.
Now, this is not to you personally because your post was very helpful. I just don't have a space here to post this, that I know of. Thank you.

I will answer you honestly some harsh truths. Men hate ball breakers. My wife nags often, nit picks, and martars herself. This ****..s me to no end. And yes i do get turned off her even though she is very attractive.<br />
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I sensed reading this that you nag and bust his balls non stop. That being said wha truly goes on in your house only you and him know.<br />
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I think this situation is fixable with a bit of give and take from both ends. Seriously though try this. Cut back on the nagging for a couple of weeks and observe if there is any change in his behavour.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

I appreciate all you've said- you were at least constructive! I will say this again.. It obviously sounds worse than it is. I do not nag ALL the time. Gosh. I KNOW I have to work on myself and having people (zone above) telling me I'm a shrew, miserable person, stop dating, ets is excessive. I understand people are going by what they read here but don't assume the situation is more than it is. I don't nag nonstop. I know some may say "oh boy she's in denial of her Own faults!" no, inassure you I KNOW I have issues, I admit that but it's not constant and nonstop! So the suggestion of not nagging for a few weeks probably won't change anything since its not nonstop currently and it's still the same situation!

Autocorrect stinks! One above, not zone. Plus other corrections but oh we'll.

I bought that "Passionate Marriage" book a few years ago. It is a fairly good book but did me no good when she refused to read it. Good luck...

You're acting like his mother not his wife. Men love to see and to touch. And they love it when the women take control every once in a while. You are right at 29 and 30 you should be going at it frequently. <br />
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His mother figure doesn't entice him; be his wife. Role play. Surprise him in the shower. And give marriage counseling a shot. And just remember your husband could not be home; you'd really be missing the sex then.

Sometimes I feel like I need to Mom because he rarely handles his own things. As I said here, Phobe calls, errands, etc., always me! If I let him do things it takes absolutely forever!! I think my behavior in acting like Mom sometimes stems from this and it sucks but he's a grown man and needs to take care of his own crap sometimes so I don't have to feel or act that way! Over time I started helping him with errands because he has a mOre demanding job than I. Then it's like he came to expect it so now he rarely does it himself and when he does have to do it himself it's like he takes forever so that I do it to shorten the to do list. Over time I get frustrated and sick of it so yes, at that point I nag because I'm fed up with taking care of everything for him.

My husband is a truck driver. I do everything all of the time including raising our children. I never complained. I never mom him. If you want to have sex again you need to lay off. You need to let him do things. Maybe he doesn't mind dishes in the sink; let him leave them there. You said you like a tidy house, so clean it. He's being a typical man. And he sounds just like my husband; you have to push him to do things not nag at him until he does.

To him you are sounding like a broken record, clean your dishes, do your laundry, wash your ***, pick up your socks. And then you turn the mom off and expect him to find you sexy.

Trust me; you need to stop blaming your sexless marriage on just him. Put something sexy on and seduce him. You have to stop being his mom first. I don't know how many times we can all say it. You wanted to have sex like a wife act like a wife.

I am not placing all blame on him.. Gosh! I have said over and over again here, I know I have things to work on, as does he. And by the way, as I've also said over and over, I also don't nag at him constantly about everything like you depict here. Once again, it's not constant!! Argh. There are a few things he away fails to do and it happens to be the examples I gave about the messy sink and leaving messes on counters. Those were examples and those are just about all I nag about regarding cleaning. I do "fix" things or clean up things behind him without saying a darn thing to him, BECAUSE I may like something a certain way, or it wasn't done as thoroughly as it should, etc. So, I do those things on my own because I don't expect him to be "perfect" or "conform" to MY standards on every little thing. I DO however, expect him to clean up after himself like a grown man which is where the sink and counters come in to play! The other side is the errands or other tasks. I can't say it enough apparently- I KNOW I need to work on some things, it's NOT ALL HIS fault and my nagging isn't about everything all the time!! Comments like these unfortunately don't help a whole lot because they are terribly one-sided and focus on an extreme situation with characteristics which aren't present here.

How can you not expect things to be one sided? You've only given us one side of the story. You're getting frustrated with everyone because we are all deducing the same thing from your extremely whiny and naggy post. I used to nag my husband all the time; we sought out counseling. He took to the road I took to doing everything.

You both have to be willing to do the work. What's a relationship when the sex has died? You have to learn to initiate. It's not hard; or well in your case it is. Be assertive. But don't come online and waste time nagging about your sex life. Go to your husband and demand a sex life, you're good at things like that. I just don't understand how you can tell him to clean up after himself but you can't tell him you want to make love to him for hours on end. It doesn't make sense and something isn't adding up.

1. Not everyone is deducing the same. Many are giving great suggestions for BOTH my husband and myself. If you read my responses to people, I am thanking those who have even criticized me and told me I need to fix myself!Those are helpful because there are two sides, and two people who have things to work on. It's not a one sided scenario. 2. I do tell him I want him. All. The. Time. 3. Please stop making assumptions over and above what I've told all of you. Much of the thoughts others have presented here of things I've not mentioned myself are wrong and I've defended my situation as such. 4. You're not helping. But thank you for the time you've spent on my post.

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what are you his mother, gosh I read this and I got pissed off, I could only imagine living with you, no offence but you sound like a pain in the ***.

Keep in mind this is only a condensed version. I'm sure I sound worse than I am, but thanks for the criticism...

And if you read some comments of mine below, you'll see that I unfortunately feel like his mother sometimes because he doesn't take care if things for himself and makes me do it. He won't get something done for two years, literally, unless I do it. It's happened. So unfortunately since some things are needed to be done more timely, I become like his mother and make his phone calls, run errands, etc. it's made me overwhelmed and resentful at times.. Leaving me wondering if I've married an adult man or not!

Sweetie you've said enough trust me when I tell you "YOU NEED TO CHILL THE FU@K OUT!" Seriously!

Thanks! I'll try!! Tell him to take care of his own crap and I wouldnt have to get frustrated because I FEEL like his Mom sometimes! It sucks to feel that way and see him not take care if his own crap. But again, this isn't everything and I KNOW it sounds worse here than it really is!

YES I get it, same boat + 2 kids, but you know what? as my mom says "men are pigs" you want clean, tidy, good smelling and groomed mates? marry a lesbian or a gay guy! I do everything my self, because I dont have the energy to repeat myself nor to the time, so I just do it, belittle ling someone because they are lazy and dirty isn't going to make them do it your way, so yes you did marry a child, LOL.

Haha. Well he's not a complete slob or dirty but he doesn't always ckean up his messes timely. It's like he tests me to see if I'll do it. Reminds me of the cheese-in-luggage episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" :)

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I'm also reading a sub text where you appear to follow him around watching for the most mundane of transgressions - like the crumbs on the plate - to "correct" him.<br />
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For me, that would get real old, real quick. But I doubt that is the main problem here - although it could be playing a part.<br />
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You could do worse than taking this situation to an ob<x>jective 3rd party to discuss. Might be resolvable. Might not be, too.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I think your story is not necessarily typical of those herein. Hard to tell from one post. But it COULD be that your issues are driving him away - or not. The way you describe things - cleaning the sink after rinsing dishes etc. - sounds almost OCD. Do you have OCD? Or am I reading too much into your post.<br />
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Counselling may work in your case. For example, I think both of you need to be more open about what you need and less passive aggressive. If you need the house a certain way, make a set of mutually acceptable house rules. Then you don't need to "nag". If you want something over & above, do it yourself. <br />
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If you want sex, you need to be able to talk about it and initiate etc. <br />
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If you've already gone down this whole road, please read more on here and see your options. I hope you are atypical anyways.

see my comment above please..

Hi zsuzsukiwinger! I do not think I am OCD. I do like things cleaned up quickly as to not leave messes overnight or anything. The sink example is a good one because he'll rinse a dish and there will be pieces of food all over it when he's done and he will leave it there rather than wash it down the disposal. The little things over time become big things. We have an issue with ants in our kitchen during certain seasons, so that's where it started from, I think. I want to keep the critters away. We live in FL, lots of bugs. We get pest control now, so that helps.
Anyway- Not OCD. But I do like things done timely and do not like living in a mess. I can be picky on how some things are done (which I realize it much like my Mom.. she used to get mad at me all the time for not cleaning up thoroughly when I was a kid!) and that is why I do most of the general tidying up. I just ask him to clean up after himself and wipe the counters or help with the dishes, for example. So while I am taking care of the general tidying up, after a while I get tired of doing that AND picking up his messes, too. He's gotten better with this so it's not as much of an issue.. and I have learned to bite my tongue a bit more. So when this is still brought up in a fight it feels like a slap in my face since I'm really trying to get better for him regarding that.
Passive aggressive- very good term for us!

Thank you. I replied.

While I agree that marriage counseling would be best for you, sometimes that isn't as easy to do as to say. Men can take the suggestion to heart as a message that they are failing as a husband, and that isn't really the case.<br />
I think what you need to do is to sit down and really talk about it. Remind yourselves that you are married. That means he gave himself to you, and you gave yourself to him. In my marriage that means that if one of us wants sex, the other will give in, every time. There is no fear of rejection, it will always be a yes. If you promise that to him, he will do the same for you.<br />
You also can't really be upset that you both are not starting the sessions. If you want your man, go get him. From the story you used in your post, it seems that he is just as frustrated as you are. Get some sexy undies or lingerie that you can put on when you're in the mood. Let him know that is what those certain items mean, and then you don't have to start anything, but rather open the door for him to not have to ask either. <br />
As for the kissing, make a point to do it. Little things like not kissing, holding hands, or touching can make you, as a woman fearful to ask for sex. The guy's your husband. Even if he kept smoking, I'm sure you'd rather have ashy kisses than none. Don't let no be an answer, you deserve better than that.<br />
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The last issue I see in your post is that it is very possible that your husband does not feel that you respect him. I'm not saying you don't respect him, I'm saying you may have trouble expressing that respect in a way he can see it. When you nag, or clean up as if he's a kid all the time, you have to balance that out by saying how glad you are that he's working out with you, spending time with you, or even just that he bothers to go in to a job every day. Praise the small things, and he will do bigger ones. If you're tired from all your hard work, and need to complain let him know that you understand that he works hard too. Most men think that complaining isn't just to "get it off your chest", but that you expect him to do something big about it right now. That's too much pressure all at once. If you want him to pick up more chores, choose a few he can do more easily than you can. Tell him that the way the chores are now, you are falling behind, and that it makes you feel like a bad wife. (don't say unfair, that is blaming him) Tell him that you want to make sure everything gets done so you can both have the nice clean house you both dreamed of when getting married. Ask if he could possibly try doing some of the chores you picked out and ask if he has anything to add to the list, or something you could do for him in return. <br />
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I hope that my advice helps you. Know that it isn't anything you're doing wrong, but rather it is an easy trap to fall into if you don't know the tricks to get out. Feel free to respond or send me a message if you want to chat more about it. There are probably more details that I don't know, or things that I have assumed wrongfully. <br />
I wish you the best, and hope to hear back!

Hi Guidelight! Thanks for your reply. Very informative and really makes sense. You are so right in that he doesn't think I respect him. I just know that's how he feels in some of the words he's expressed. Without actually saying that outright, I think that's how he feels, which isn't the case at all.
Sexy undies/lingerie- I have a tough time with that because the last two times I've put something on, we've gotten into a fight about I don't even remember what. So I negatively associate that and I need to get over it. I have two outfits I got at my bridal shower that I've never worn. I tried one on the other night (the night we had the last fight two days ago!!).. but I only tried it on in front of him, sort of as a "tease" to try and show him I was interested.. perhaps odd, but that was my way.
So, actually, now three times it has happened where I've even touched a piece of lingerie, we've had a fight. Negative association is bound to happen. And at this point I am totally not in any mood to go down that road with him right now. I am still too angry, lost, confused.. at wit's end I guess.
Chores: We tried assigning certain chores and he definitely helps a lot more now.. but he was assigned a few things that I still have to do sometimes because he either forgets, or waits until it's too late. (trash, recycling, cat box). He is supposed to get the cat box since he can't smell.. but I still do it a lot and I don't complain! But, since there has been much progress regarding helping around the house, that is not really an issue any longer.. except leaving dumb little messes behind himself frequently.
I do think we should sit down and talk about it more.. and I have told him I'd never turn him down. That doesn't help anything.

Oh this opens up your situation more. Getting into a fight every time you try to initiate sex is DEFINITELY TYPICAL of the general situation here on ILIASM, and a great big huge warning sign you are in trouble. Ooops...

It's not ever time. It's just ironic that there are three times where lingerie have been in the picture.. and this was over the time span of probably three or four years.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more help, but I do believe that fixing some of the respect issues can lead to him fixing some of the love issues. I really hope you are able to find a way to improve your situation.

Thanks, i hope we can too. The book I have supposedly helps you work on your issues in order to work with your partner. I hope it does.

Perhaps he doesn't like the lingerie, or has some notion of what a certain type or piece of lingerie means to him, and he really doesn't want to be sexual with that. Perhaps he views something as "slutty", or even that his Mom or somebody wore something like that, and it was a combination turn-on and turn-off at the same time.

Can you talk to him about it? Or, just coyly suggest that he could buy you something to wear that *he* would like, for something like a birthday, an anniversary. You could go in together to a lingerie shop, and have him help you pick something out, and you could be sure that it's the right size.

I definitely appreciate your response but I know that's not the case. He has bought me one ir two in the past, and jokingly asks for the "lingerie show" of the stuff I got at my bridal shower. If what you say is possible, he wouldn't ask for me to wear it or buy it..

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Just to be clear… You never initiate? Talking about sexual desire is “awkward?” You regularly point out his “flaws” so that he can “correct himself?” (Like leaving crumbs in the sink!?)<br />
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Hun, I’m 29 too and I don’t know what fantasy world you’re living in. You’re treating your husband like a parent and getting mad that he treats you like a spouse. If you need to be the doted on princess, then give your husband the dignity of leaving him and allowing himself to find a real woman. <br />
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If you don't want a divorce (as I would imagine that would harm your need for a "perfect" life that others can envy) then marriage counseling might help but you need individual counseling, too. It's simply not fair for you to punish your husband for the "insecurities" and other baggage that you brought into your marriage from past relationships.<br />
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Oh, and as for those other "perfect" marriages where they are constantly sending each other flowers and gifts, etc? Yeah, in my experience those are usually the most screwed up! Stop comparing your life to the fantasy show your friends put on.

Hi, idontknowinpa. Thank you for replying. To be clearer: I rarely initiate. It's a major issue I know I have. Yes. Admitted. He also has an issue with it, but not as significant as I do. It most likely comes from our past, paired with each of our individual personalities. I think it has only gotten worse (on my end) because of feeling the way I do.. unwanted/undesired really.

"Talking about sexual desire is awkward?"- No, that is not what I stated. Him asking me if I "wanted to" while we were already in bed together, was awkward.

Leaving crumbs in the sink- just an example. Yes, sometimes I FEEL like his mother because I am always taking care of his errands, making his phone calls, and cleaning up behind him because he doesn't pay attention most of the time. Yes, I would like him to correct taking care of himself like a grown adult. If I don't make his phone calls for him, it literally takes him two years to get something done. There is a lot more to that situation, and it's not just about the crumbs in the sink.

I don't mean to compare my relationship to those of my friends, it's just hard to see when I feel like my hubs and I have such issues. It makes me wish it was back to the way it was before we got married. Seeing all of everyone else's passion around me just makes it that much more difficult to be okay with what I feel my marriage is lacking.

You don't mention kids.... if not, keep it that way until you've resolved.<br />
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And well done for making it here reasonably early. You have many foretelling of Ghosts of Christmases yet to Come, and the ability to avoid that grim view of the future.<br />
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“Men’s courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead, but if the courses be departed from, the ends will change." Make it so.

Hi hl42. Thanks for your reply. No kids. Neither of us are 100% sure we want them to be honest. At least we agree on that situation :).

You are both very young, and married less than two years. There may be hope. <br />
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ILIASM members have mixed opinions about marriage counseling, but it might be worth a try - IF your H will agree wholeheartedly to it. The main thing is do BOTH of you acknowledge problems with your marriage, and are you BOTH willing to work on them? Otherwise ... the outlook is not good.<br />
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In that case ... what Ron said.