Sexless At 29We're young. We've been married just shy of two years. Things are progressively getting more and more tense. Currently I am not even talking to my husband and we're on day two of this. I just don't know what to do, where to start so the least mentally taxing thing while I sort through my feelings is to just be alone. We fight a lot about sex.. Or lack there of. I dealt with it for a long time but it's getting to a point where I feel undesirable, unsexy, unloved. After I actually brought up the fact that I was feeling this way, lots of excuses were made. Husband saying, "I never have the energy" was prominent. "When I start working out it will change since I'll have more energy, I'm sure if it".. I say, "Yeah, right." I say this because it's been about three months since we started our new workout routines. We've had sex once. I told him during another fight about this that I am over the excuses and that I believe there's a deeper issue behind it. So then, he started using that as his reason which I will explain a little in the next paragraph starting "He's 30 and I'm 29".. The other night, we tried. It never happened. He made some joke or something to "lighten the mood" (no idea why he felt that was needed), then he actually asked me if I wanted to have sex.. Not because he thought he had to- because I must have given him the impression that maybe I didn't although I was lying in bed with him in complete darkness. I told him it was awkward to ask me like that, then it seemed he thought I was instantly in a bad mood so he got all moody-like when he thinks he's upset me.
He's 30 and I'm 29. Married less than two years... Why is this such a problem? There are deeper issues. He doesn't like when I fix something he's done or tell him he left a mess, or when I complain of being overwhelmed since I do all of our shopping and errands. Sure there are things we don't like about each other, I just choose to try and bring things to his attention and he chooses to ignore my flaws. I do tell him sometimes when I think he's lacking attention to detail in things he does... Because I constantly gave to go behind him to clean his crumbs off the counter or rinse the sink out after he rinses a dish (for example). I guess I've made him dislike me- to the point where he doesn't even want to have sex with me and now even when we try something goes wrong. I've told him that I worry he'll go and find it elsewhere even though I know that's not "him". I've been cheated on before so that us definitely an insecurity issue for me. Another insecurity issue and part of why sex rarely happens is I have issues with initiating anything. This has been an issue for me my whole life. He knew this before he married me but I guess it's just finally bothering him. He says it's hard to always be the one initiating. I can understand where he's coming from but for some reason I just can't get over my fears of rejection I guess... Especially now since I feel like he doesn't want me sexually. I worry he'll say no or something which oh makes my issue of initiating even more difficult to try and overcome.
As it stands, we're not really talking (or me not talking to him, really). He still says "I love you" before we go to sleep, "Have a good day" before we head off to work and "Hi" when I come home. (That's another issue- a simple "Hi" when we get home for the day). We used to "greet" eachother with a kiss. That stopped years ago when he was trying to hide smoking from me. He lied to me about that constantly, and I could always smell it through the lies (literally). So he stopped kissing me except good night for the most part since he knew he'd be busted if I could smell/taste it. This started a routine of no more kisses (and maybe even close contact in general now that I think about it..) except good bye and good night. Now I am rather confident he's finally quit once and for all since I never smell it anymore. He probably gave up since he had an accident which resulted in losing his sense of smell.. so now it'd be even harder for him to hide it from me since he can't smell himself! But... the trend of no kisses except good bye and good night remains for the MOST part.
Today will be day two of me not really wanting to talk. I cried all night the night this happened... the night the issue where we tried to be intimate and it backfired. After an hour or so he came in and just cuddled around me until he went to sleep. Then I started crying even more after I had stopped while he was cuddling me, because one, I was upset that he just went to bed, and two, I'm just so worried, at a loss really. I cried for a while then I got up and had a glass of wine to try and calm down. I then tried to go to bed, and got maybe two hours of sleep all night. It makes me so angry that he can just go to sleep and sleep like a rock while I am miserable and awake. Maybe that's selfish. A
t first this issue was small and I had hope that it would get better. It did every now and again but always fell back to the same pattern. Now, it's just consistent, and we have sex maybe 5 times a year. Its getting to a point where I'm not sure what to do or how to fix it. My tolerance for this is becoming shorter and shorter.
I feel like its all my fault because of my nagging and insecurity issues keeping me from initiating. But I don't know how to overcome my, and our issues. Another major issue is seeing our friends around us soooooooo in love, touchy feely, sweet.. And we don't really have that. Hubby isn't super touchy feely or kissy-kissy to the level they are. And I have friends who are always talking about how awesome their husbands are giving them flowers, cleaning the house, and just general random acts of romance. I've told hubby I wish we had that, like we used to. Honestly, my friends are making me feel worse about the state of my marriage and myself.
I bought a book entitled "Passionate Marriage" which people swear transformed their marriage. I hope it helps. I am just so frustrated and at a loss as to why it is like this so early on. I feel we're doomed.