My roommate and I hardly talk. Most of our conversations usually are about the kids. We don't hug, kiss, laugh, or show any kind of a physical connection or affection whatsoever. The ring I wear and having his last name is really the only evidence that we are married.

On Aug 2nd we will be married 9yrs. And yesterday he asked me, "What would you like to do to celebrate our anniversary". I can only image what my face must have looked like. My guess, deer in headlights. Anyway, I could only get out, "I don't know." He usually hates that response so the conversation died down for a bit. But he brought it back up later on. Is he serious? Could he possibly be this clueless?

About a year ago I probably would have jumped for joy at the slightest mention of spending time together. And initiating discussion of anniversary plans, talk about winning the marriage lottery! However we are very far from a year ago. Today, I have no desire to do anything with him. Some would say he's trying and I should give it one last shot. I know this routine all too well but it's still a struggle for me. A tug of war within me. To quote myself, "Wouldn't it be nice" if things got better and our marriage survived. That indeed would have been nice a year ago. Too little too late.

The tiny bit of hope that is left in me is being blocked by reality. My roommate is no fool. My exit plan has been put into action and I assume he can sense a change in me. We have been here before (minus the exit plan). I get to the point of no return and then all of a sudden I am wined, dined, romanced and everything starts to look up. Every heart string is tugged and I'm sucked back in. Marital bliss is pretty short lived and slowly but surely I am back to living with a roommate.

DeeLisa DeeLisa
31-35, F
7 Responses Jul 17, 2012

OMG..... I am going through exactly the same thing. I see my husband making the effort to be more affectionate. Small things like a kiss and a hug (he was totally non demonstrative before) but it's like a part of me remains detached and just cold I guess.

I have been married for 15 yrs, together for 20. He developed ED several yrs ago (medically) and we have not had sex for 2 yrs. There are so many times I feel like nothing but a roommate and then he is affectionate, fun and charming. We have built a life together, socially and financially, so much so, I can't imagine leaving him. I have thought about it many times, though.

I understand how you feel. My husband and I "celebrated" our 35th anniversary in May. We went to Napa Valley for 5 days. It was a nice trip, but if I had my way it would have been by myself or with someone who really wants to be with me. I understand the roommate concept. I live with a complete stranger and he doesn't appear to care.<br />
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We also do the get closer, grow farther apart thing. But what he doesn't realize is that I know that we will never really be together and it really hurts.

Sounds like you are all to aware of his games. Really the choice is yours. If you have truly had enough keep up with your exit plan.<br />
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If for whatever reason you feel obliged to stay money, kids, house etc, and give it one last shot enter into his efforts with caution.<br />
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The choice is yours.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

My ex-wife and I hardly talk. Most of our conversations are about the kids. We don't hug, kiss, laugh, or show any kind of a physical connection or affection whatsoever. The assets I forfeited, the pictures and videos of vacations and holidays and a string of firsts with each of the kids is really the only evidence that we were ever married.<br />
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I wrote a story about the date of our wedding anniversary from last year. Read about What Comes After: <a href="" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a>

awww *hugs*<br />
I am so sorry you have to deal with this.<br />
Is he going to keep asking you? What will you eventually say?<br />
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Have you told him it's too little too late?

He will keep asking. Even after I say no. He's trying to keep up appearances. It's very important to him so he will persist.

Appearances are important to my wife as well most people outside our family are shocked to hear how bad it is, and shake their heads in disbelief.

Presumably your exit strategy is still in the planning stage but not yet "do-able", otherwise you'd have done it.<br />
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In these "winding down" times, if you can adopt an ob<x>jective and non emotional mindset, it will make this process way easier to manage.<br />
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You have no interest in celebrating 9 years of dysfunction. So the appropriate amount of effort appropriate for you to put in would be "0". <br />
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If he chooses to organise something, like a feed, or similar, assess that on its' merits. If it appeals as a stand alone issue, then go. If it doesn't appeal, then don't go. If it is to involve a 'romantic getaway', then DEFINITELY don't - because that risks further delay and bullshitting about in executing your exit plan.<br />
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Your main game here is getting out, not ******* about with peripheral issues.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Thanks for all your advice. Running my agenda has really made a difference.