Remorseful Refusing Wife

This is the very first time I have ever posted anything on any site or topic. The reason I am posting here is because I was the refusing one for years in our marriage. Everything in our marriage was great other than our sexual and intimate life. My husband is a wonderful man and deserved better from me. I just want to say that I truly did not know how this affected my husband and how very important intimacy was to him and what it actual meant to him. I know that sounds dumd but it is the honest truth. I should have known though. I knew it was important to him.

I want to reach out and if there is one, just one woman or man for that matter that I could help in anyway regarding this matter I so want to do that. If you are being refused you may want to show this to your refusing partner. I truly believe that if you have a healthy desire and libido it is so very damaging and just down right torture to be rejected over and over. Please understand there is no excuse I take the blame for not getting help and seeing how much this meant to my husband. The few things I'm going to state affected my perception of sex. I'm 47yrs old my generation grew up not talking about sex it was somewhat taboo. I had personal childhood experiences that affected my attitude or my perception also of sex. I had the "I want to be a good girl" syndrome and somewhat perceived sex as bad. I know. I know so very stupid! I am religious and do believe God intended for husband and wife to have sexual relations and do believe, now, that he wants you to enjoy one another as a married couple. I would suggest getting out the Bible and reading on this topic this should make an impression on the refusing spouse. I knew what the Bible said about this, but after going through my experience for the past 2 -1/2 yrs I read it and understand at a totally different level. I do feel, and I truly mean this, that I failed my husband as a wife. I let him down and basically failed him and our vows. When we married he had total faith that I would take care of him and his needs. My husband's number one need from me as his wife was sexual fulfillment. For years that need went unfulfilled!

If you are the refusing spouse you better take a step back and evaluate the situation before something happens that you truly, truly do not want to happen. If you love your spouse you better get help. I asked my gynogologist for years about my low libido and that I thought I needed help. I went to the same doctor for years and he never did anything to help me. GO TO ANOTHER DOCTOR!!!! There is help out there. Finally after the loss of my mother I went on Wellbutrin XL and this helped me considerably as far as mental attitude and demeanor. It really didnt make a huge difference in my desire or libido though. I asked my husband if he thought I needed to go to a therapist and he never told me yes, but I think he was thinking YES! You know who thinks they need a therapist or needs help. I thought I was pretty much normal and I thought that's the way it was and the way it was supposed to be, you know the "I've got a headache" bit. I thought it was normal for him to want it all the time and me not. That is not true. There should be a middle ground you reach. We were at different ends of the sex spectrum. I should have gone I should have seeked help because I now realize I needed help. I did see a marriage counselor 2 or 3 time and he told me it was a shame that my doctor didn't help me regarding libido. He told me there are things to help with this.

If you love your spouse start doing something to change this minute. We have gone through an affair the past 2 1/2 yrs and it's been pure hell. Once I sensed something was wrong and he let his anger show before I even knew there was another woman I started digging for help because I knew he was serious and on the verge of leaving me. He has stayed with me over the years for our daughters if it were not for them I don't know. Yeah I do he would have left me. The other woman works with him and showed interest in him, made him feel wanted and admired. She admitted to me that she instigated this affair, of course I knew she did, but listen and listen well refusing spouse You keep rejecting them year after year and eventually something's going to happen. My husband was so vunerable to her and I did this to him! Let me make myself clear neither he or I believe this was an excuse for him to have an affair there should never be any reason you do that. Talk about things and if the spouse is not willing to work with you then leave the marriage. Then find a girlfriend or boyfriend. Believe me it is the worst thing, listen to me refused spouse, it's the worst thing you can do to your spouse and family. It's the worst thing to ever go through especially when you love someone so much and trust them with all
your heart. It truly is not worth it; I think my husband would say the same. There is nothing I can think of other than one of my girls being hurt or sick that would even come close to this. Also, don't think it just hurts the spouse. It hurts the WHOLE family! No one that knows my husband would have ever thought he would have done this I mean no one including himself. Refusing spouse if you love you partner I strongly suggest you find whatever help you need and do it fast.

We were boyfriend and girlfriend in 6 grade and off and on through middle school. We started dating at 16 seriously and fell in love and I knew I was going to marry this man at age 17. We have been married for 27 yrs. We have a lot of history. This man loved and adored me and all he wanted was me! He just wanted me to love him thats all. I know in my heart that he would have never strayed if I had only taken care of him, just even half way met his needs. I love my husband so much even still. I know what kind of man he is - he's a good man. I know some of you think good man? Yes super good man. He has been a great husband and The best father ever. You just dont find men like him easily. I'm still fighting today to keep him in my life and my daughters lives believe me I would not be fighting like I am if he was not worth the fight, he is. I mentioned above that I have faith and believe in God this is my personal beliefs and we are taught that God forgives us so how on this earth could I not forgive my husband. God will forgive him how can I not! Don't think it didn't hurt me and is still hurting me and absorbing my life it is and has. I'm working on letting go I truly am but it is the hardest task I've ever taken on.

I've gotten off my direct intent for this post and that is to say do something about your situation today. Look at the truth, take your blame in things and evaluate yourself. Take a good, long hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself do I want to save my marriage. You may think oh he wont leave me or he won't do that to me. Believe me when I say, if it can happen to me, it can happen to anybody! We had an almost fairy tale life and everyone admired our relationship and family. Little did they know how I was slowly torturing my husband. I would like to challenge you to work together, talk to each other, open up. Read the Bible, on the Internet about relationships, get self help books like His needs, Her needs it is an excellent book! It really helped me to understand things. Read about sex on the Internet learn and educate yourself. It's ok to enjoy sex I now realize I am sexual and it's ok to be that way. I also went to a new doctor and got testosterone cream and it is Super! It works for me I truly believe if I had gotten this help sooner it might have saved my marriage. I had my level checked and it was super low. Sometimes I wonder if birth control didn't take away my mojo because I was interested and remember feeling the way I do now before I started on BC. It has worked wonders for me I feel like I haven't (you know in the lady parts) felt this way since I was like 19. You forget what it feels like to have that instant arousal. Before testosterone it was like cranking on an old Ford Model T to get me going. I've mainly tried to share my side to the refusing partner, but to the partner who is being rejected you also need to take a look in the mirror too. It's a 2 way street. Read His Needs, Her needs and help each other to learn what your top 3 to 5 most important needs are and then make it happen before it is to late.

I truly and sincerely hope this helps someone out there not have to go through what my family has gone through. We are still together but still struggling at this time. My husband is having a hard time forgiving me for what I did, or should say, didn't do in our past and has a lot of resentment and anger toward me. I understand I truly do. It messes up a ton of stuff that you have to work through, God willing we'll hang in there and work through it. Please know this I just based on my recent experiences and only my take on things. I know there will be some that totally disagree, but that is what this is about right sharing experiences in hopes of helping or comforting someone going through this. Best Wishes for you and your family I understand both sides of this struggle. I'm now on the other side wanting him to just love me again
46-50, F
38 Responses Jul 20, 2012

Well said and thank you for posting this. I wish my wife would stumble on to this story as well. Sadly, she would never look at such a thing preferring be in denial about our issues. It is too late to save mine but I hope you saved yours......

Great post, thank you

I appreciate your post. I,too, am a remorseful refusing wife. My story is similar to yours. I am heartbroken. I did not mean to cause my spouse so much pain. I would like to make things better but feel it is too far gone. I cry all the time because like you I am on the other side and feeling rejected.

What ARE you doing about it apart from crying? It is down to you to make the changes needed. Can you explain what it is about sex and intimacy that you find so difficult? Are you addressing the issues you are confronting?

This forum can be quite harsh on Refusers, but if you are genuinely seeking to recover your marriage you would be wise to post here. And to read many of the stories too.

I hope we hear from you.

Agree 100 with Baker998, and can't word it better .. You sound like a nice lady but its to little way to late !! I'm sorry

Just face the facts here. Your too late to save your marriage. He has moved on weather you choose to admit that or not. You forced it on him.... You forced him to find intimacy outside the marriage. You forced him to turn to drinking and nothing you can do now can save your relationship.I think its sad that the girls will suffer for this too.

This story maybe should be posted in the I am a resufser in a sexless marriage group because our refusers won't read it here

Well, hmmmm, are you a fortune teller or card reader or something? How can you say to anyone that your marriage is over, its to late to save you marriage. OMG, I would never tell anyone this by just reading some story on an Internet site. I'm not so sure he's moved on he's still here and it's been 3 yrs we've been going through this. I've given him opportunity after opportunity to leave. He has left at my request and has always ended up back here. Why I'm not sure. I've told him to make an appointment with the attorney and I would even go with him, more than once and he's still here.

I may have neglected him of intimacy and I have admitted my part in His affair, but I did not force him to drink. Are you kidding me? He's drinking out of shame, guilt, embarrassment, and dealing with all that entails in an extramarital affair. He's the one that made the decision to engage in an affair with a Married woman with children. I did not force his hand to do that. He had many other choices he could have made. He could have left me first. He could have chosen to speak candidly with me and share his feelings and actually open up to me instead of a strange woman. At the time I made my change and made more of an effort I did not know there was another woman at all. Never thought he would do that thought he would leave me first. My point is if he hadn't already started this affair he would have been so very happy with me he would have been on cloud nine. Instead he made the choice to cheat and then was mad at hell at me because I changed and here he was involved with this other woman whom he felt very strongly about because he was so vulnerable. He thought I would divorce him over the affair. Actually I think he never thought it would come out that it would always remain a secret. People who sneak around and lie are gonna get caught. They think they're so slick. There is an affair going on at my place of work, she left for another job, but is still engaged in this affair with this married man and they think no one knows- everyone knows! They get stupid. They think they've got it licked, & that their masterminds of deception.

Your are right it is very sad my girls have suffered through this also it hurts me beyond comprehension, there are no words to explain my guilt and grief over this. Through all of this though I've been very honest with them about my shortcomings and how I had been regarding intimacy, very, very honest. I don't want it to happen to them one day either and I want them to be aware and learn from my failures. I have preached and preached to them about talking to their Dad reminding them how good he has been to them and to forgive him. I've been the one to force them to talk to and be decent to their father. I've taken up for him with all of our friends and family and they all know what my part was in it because I told them very detailed information about how I was. It's still no excuse to have an affair in my opinion and everyone I know feels this way too. Even my husband has said this, he said I did not deserve this.

I doubt the refuser would get on a I'm a refuser in a SM site either, because generally the refuser doesn't realize that they are a "Refuser" or that their partners call them this. They usually don't realize they have an issue or admit they need help. Your post doesn't discourage me at all because you don't know me or my husband and you don't know what kind of faith I have. I myself don't know if we will work this out or not, but I will do everything in my power to make life better for all of us as long as I have the chance. If he decides to divorce me then that's what I'll have to accept until then I'll keep fighting, praying and having hope.

Unfortunately... Your story won't be read by the ones who need to read it. For most of us in the ILIASSM group its already too late.

I was the refused.... but in a way... could say I am no more. Why? Because now...I have turned the tables and make her suffer like I have for years. I refuse to even touch her...and no longer share a bed. She could do a 180 degree turn now.... but its too late. I no longer feel any love for her... just heart break.

I'm sorry it's gone so far and you feel this way. I understand though. It's really sad that you both have to suffer, have heart break and don't feel love for one another. You know some have emailed me telling me they are gonna talk to their refuser. Some even have told me their showing this story to them. Some have said they are getting some books I've recommended. Is it too late for them? I don't know sounds like to me it's not to late for some and that's where optimism comes in and hope. If its not to late for some then its worth it to me to post here and take the good with the bad. I realize some relationships have gone over the edge and there's no turning back. I have read many books and articles where marriages are saved at the divorce stage. The Divorce Remedy is a good book to mention. Best Wishes to You I hope you can find some joy in life.

RRRW - Your story gives me hope and direction. I hope my wife turns out to be just like you. She is religious, has an OB/GYN that she likes, but turned a deaf ear to her low libido and says she loves me, so I hope I have a chance. You do have some tough sledding ahead. Saying a prayer for you.

I hope she turns out like me too because I want my marriage to work and I want my husband to be happy and satisfied. Sometimes we don't realize we have issues or problems, but if you go about it right maybe you can tell her you had read about low testosterone levels and ask her if it would hurt to get a blood test just to check it and see. You can tell her how you feel, how you want to be closer. Go about it as you both need to hear each other and work together to make life better for both of you. It works better than putting it all on her shoulders and telling her she has a problem. That's taking defensively usually. The less finger pointing the or blaming the better.

I do have some major rough and tough sledding ahead! Prayers are much needed - thank you so much. I say a prayer ever night for the people Ive conversed via web with. Best wishes God bless you and your wife

Thanks. Delicacy in bringing up these issues is critical. Your point about avoiding blame is essential - she will assume blame anyways, without my help - I need to be prepared.

Double thanks to you for recommending the book by Harley, Willard F. I just picked it up today. This book should be required pre-marital reading! I've just started, but really like his approach and that he's proven that it works.

N44wwep. So glad you got the book I think it should be a pre marriage requirement too. I'm sure you saw but he has several other books and a web site I think it's

RRW? Glad you didn't delete your story (as considered in one of your responses above). At 40 comments (now 41), I'd say you've made a pretty significant contribution! :-) Your entries really tear me up -- because I WANT to disagree with you. I'm a little afraid you may be taking on TOO much responsibility for the issues in your marriage. Franky, I find a libido requiring 3x/day shocking. That's not a schedule I think most folks w/normal life responsibilities could match -- But you're so doggoned earnest. *sighs & shakes head* Girl, I really hope things work out for you...

Well, he didnt require 3 times a day at all, I was just saying he could and would I'm sure. He would have settled for a lot less. I do think he has a high sexual desire and has suffered for years with me over this. I wish it could have been different but hind sights 20/20. We are still suffering through this trying to make our way out of the darkness. It's ups and downs it's very hard. Right now we are in a down. My husband is drinking more and more every night it getting to the point that something is going to have to be done. Don't know what though he's so hard headed. We never ever had alcohol in our home he didn't want our girls growing up with it. His father and step father were alcoholics. It scares me because it is hereditary. At one point he was gone to his mothers home for 3 and a half mos and he didn't drink then so I'm hoping that's a sign he's not an alcoholic. If he was looks like he couldn't quite for that long. It's pretty bad right now he's not mean or anything but I'm afraid for his health and it's putting a strain on our marriage. It's not helping anything. I guess I went here because it heavy on my heart. Anyone reading this and doesn't mind please say a prayer for my husband. Thank you! CMV thanks again for your kind comments I truly appreciate it. I wrote this original story at 3 in the morning and it was my first time I think I could have done a better job hopefully it's not to bad as far as reading it and getting the just of it. God Bless thanks again

Hello. I've read your story and it's a very very sad situation. It is unfortunate that couples have sometimes come to realize that what once was a difficult situation was in actual fact an easy one. The price to pay for the lack of compassion and understanding between two adult people has to lead to such heart ache for both parties. If only people would take the time in researching and educating themselves on life skills there would be no nead for adultery and breaking the sacred vowels of marriage. I will post again shortly with my views on these situations.

You are so right it is very sad. I wish I would have educated myself. It was an easy fix I know that now 27 yrs later. If my doctor would have listened to me I trusted him -duh! I wish I had understood my husband and his needs and how important this was to him and to our marriage. Even without the libido help I cold have made a better effort. I truly love my husband and did not want to hurt him so deeply it really does haunt me daily. I feel so much guilt and remorse I really do. Doesn't help anything though. I should have been more compassionate to the one person I loved with all my heart and who meant everything to me.

My biggest concern with this story is the false hope it is liable to engender in those who may be almost ready to pull the plug.<br />
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For the vast majority, being caught in an affair would not have this effect. It would result in a very messy divorce.<br />
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I respectfully suggest that your continuing interest in reestablishing the sexual aspect of your marriage is directly connected to your husband NOT completely believing in it. If he embraced it wholeheartedly and vowed to make it work... I think it would become less interesting again.<br />
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That is simply human nature. People just don't keep on doing things they don't really like doing without some sort of outside motivation. In your case, that is winning back his love.<br />
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I expect I will have a few volleys over my bows for this comment, but I believe it is a valid concern.

Oh, I think so too. I think some of the newbies might read this and actually think that there is hope, when in truth there simply is not for the majority of us.

I respectfully disagree. That is what I want him to do embrace it wholehearted and want to make it work that would only make it better. Don't you see I know some of you think a person cannot change, but oh they can. It can happen. It has happened. I do want to have him love me again and that will just make things easier for me. I am not going to lose interest if he starts believing in it. Are you kidding? I almost lost my husband, my true love, I'm not in this just to "win" as you say I'm in it for life long haul. I'm in it for true love. Sorry to disappoint you but you are incorrect on you assumptions. Who said i didn't like it anyway?

You did... otherwise, why post in this group in the first place.

...and yes, you are seeding false hope. If you are real, you are one in a million. If you really don't backslide... you are one in a million once again.

You don't disappoint me... don't you see... positive outcomes are what we all dream of. Reality, unfortunately has proven time and time again, that there are very, very few indeed.

No I never said I didn't like sex. I said I had problems, low libido, but once I did get into it I liked sex. It's hard for people with higher sex drives to understand a low one. I kind of do because of using the testosterone now and the difference it's made for me. I truly do not mean to seed false hope. I understand it doesn't work out sometimes, maybe even most of the time, but it can work out if both parties still have love for one another and are willing to admit fault where due and work on it. I just thought my story might have something to offer and I genuinely thought if I could help one person from this it would be worth all of this. I wish I had gotten help sooner. I don't know why I posted on this sites really don't. I never had never been on this site until the night I posted my story. I read one or two stories on here and posted. It's unlike me to do this I don't even do Facebook. Sometimes when something like this happens I feel like it was meant to be sometimes I feel like God pulls the trigger to action at times. I know for a fact some of the things that have happened has been God showing me the way and what to do because I normally would not do that certain action. Things happen and I look back and thing that was God I know it was telling me to do that or say this. I have gotten some emails that make me thing well maybe that was the one person I was supposed to reach. I don't know that I will help anyone with posting this and I sure hope and pray I don't hurt anyone that is diffentely not my intent and would be upsetting to me. If I have hurt anyone I'm sorry.

Before I got married, I never knew that something like this could happen in a marriage. I wonder if the great percentage of divorces are due a sexless partner.

2 More Responses

My perspective? If blame is to be ascribed principally to one party here, it is clearly to your husband, not you. He had a duty of care not only to you and your children, but also the family members of the woman he was stepping out with (who were likewise profoundly devastated, I'm sure). And let's be perfectly frank -- sex once every two weeks isn't all that infrequent after 27 years of marriage. I think your husband has done a masterful job pointing the finger of blame to you, rather than sobering up and taking responsibility. If this was my father pulling this stunt, he would be history from my life. His infidelity would cost him his family for the duration of his natural life.<br />
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Respectfully the blames lies on both of us. I do agree he had the duty to take care of us, but I also had a duty to take care of him too. From the get go our marriage was this way the amount of sex and the rejection. He has always take care of his family he really has been a super father and husband and always put us first ( until this ) until this huge mistake. That is the thing it was an awful mistake. We all make them, some more complicated and deeper than others, but indeed a mistake and lapse in judgement. This mistake did ripple out an affect a ton of people who were totally innocent and didn't deserve this. It truly doesn't fall all on his shoulders. I had a hard time believing he could do this to his girls and I sure didn't think he would hurt another family too. I don't think rational thinking is in play here when all of this is going on. He has put a lot of blame on me. He doesn't want to admit it and I don't know that he really realizes it. I think the rejection over the years just broke him. Understandably! Being turned down all the time, because he wanted it often and it was like he was begging for attention and love and I was just slapping him in the face every time. That had to be devastating to him too and made him feel worthless like I'm not good enough for her or she doesn't want me. Year after year that's got to take a toll you know?

I'm hoping he stops drinking I believe eventually he will. He has always been one to tell anyone that needed help with a problem that drinking or drugs doesn't help, the problem will still be there when you get up in the morning. He even poured out his younger brothers beer once because he knew it was best for him and he didn't need to go down that road. He had to deal with a sister that had a drug problem and be her rock and pull her out of the grips of meth. I want to have confidence he will come around.

I must say I have encouraged my daughters to forgive their dad and move on. Has he disappointed them and let them down yes, but is a terrible mistake going to take away years of being the best possible dad they could ever have had. They had a fairy tale life he gave them everything possible, supported them, loved them dearly. He would never want to hurt them. You would know he was sincere if you could have seen his tears when this all blew up. If one of his girls made a terrible decision and made a stupid, stupid mistake and it even hurt him deeply would he not forgive them and continue to love them? The answer is yes a 1000 times. If a man lives his whole life dedicated to his family does everything in his power to care for, provide and love them should he be banished from his family the rest of his life for a terrible mistake? I don't think so I don't agree with you on that. I know that is the way you feel if your dad did this. I thought I would have felt and acted differently to before it happened. I believe in having a kind and forgiving heart. I think that is what God wants us to do. I also think God wants our family to stay together. If God can forgive him, I can forgive him, them his daughters can forgive him too. Life can go on and time will hopefully heal. :-)

Remorseful<br />
I do believe you posted with an intent to help others. Maybe its some therapy in the healing process, I don't know. It doesn't matter. The main thing is that for once, someone has at least a successful outcome! Yes, finally after 2 years of reading the same old ****, someone posts a story that at least gives some of us a little hope and the proverbial light at the end....Good for you!!! <br />
Its not my concern or place to judge you or your husband. At least for now and hopefully forever your lives have taken a good turn for better and I for one am happy for you. I would give anything if my wife could see this story and understand. <br />
I celebrate you being one of the refusers, finally "getting it" and taking some postives steps to correct. I think some of the folks here should step back and think about why we are here. Is it to just log on and ***** and moan about our sad situation, or is it to get some help? <br />
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This lady , in my opinion is making an effort to help....and as usual, the moaners and groaners have their negative comments. Some of them I think would complain if they did get They are so bitter and angry that they cannot be happy for someone who escaped the torment.<br />
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I for one am happy for you and your husband...maybe one day......maybe me too...

Thank you I appreciate you comments and well wishes. I hope there is someway your wife will come around and not wait to long like have possibly done. I wish you the best

I want to mention a book The Divorce Remedy. This is a good book. I think I will revisit it again soon. It would be a good book for both refused and refuser to read. I asked my husband to read it along time ago don't think he ever did. Also, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff In Love is a really good book too good advice, short paragraphs. The His Needs, Her Needs Building An Affair Proof Marriage book by Dr. Harley is wonderful. He has a whole series of books that I have read and are very good. He has a web site Marriage Maybe the refused could introduce these things to their refuser. Dr. Laura Berman has a web site I found a lot of insight on it. Just a few things I thought about I've been wanting to share. I'm sure you probably know About these books and sites and even more. There is a wealth of information out there. If only the indenial refusers (like I was) would get the clue and dig in it just might help them. Who knows they may want help. Maybe they dont even realize they need help like I did. Maybe they are as screwed up as I was. Just maybe your wife or husband's testosterone level is lowwwww. Maybe your wife has been on birth control her whole life and it affected the T level. Remind her how she use to feel when arousal and desire instant at your touch and then tell her you've been doing research and maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to get checked. Truthly, you think that I didn't want to be what my husband wanted and I didn't want to have a close intimate life. I would have much preferred that. We would have been so happy. I loved my husband deeply I didn't want to hurt him. If you don't know better you cant do better - Once you know you can.<br />
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You know, I don't think the refused really realize how it is to be without that arousal and desire. It sucks! You forget how it feels til you get it back. I can understand for someone that has a very healthy libido, and always has, how they would not understand this or get it. Sometimes it is not that they just are mean and want to make you suffer. They may really, truly love you. <br />
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I know some of you will think I'm lying but I'm not when I say I prayed to God I could be a better wife to my husband, the wife I should be. No lie! I kept thinking it will kick in in my 30s, my 40s it is bound to get better sometime. My husband prayed too asking what was wrong with him that I didn't want him. He asked to be a better husband whatever it takes to make me happy. He wanted to know what he had done to deserve this. (there was nothing wrong with him, and he deserved better). We both prayed for a better intimate life. For some reason prayers are not always answered or we are not complying. Meaning God's trying to help us but we're not getting it or following through with it. I probably wasn't complying or thinking anything was wrong. I was just waiting for my libido to kick in and come back when I should have been seeking professional help. I did seek help and didn't get it my male doctor acted like your fine just eat right and excersise was his advice for yrs. I think he must have had low libido or wasnt sexual or he would have helped me. I was the idiot that kept going to him. You need to pursue other options until you get some help. It could have made a HUGE difference in my husband's life if I had. I realize some refusers are just plain mean and don't care, but your spouse might be open to trying to improve.. ? You definitely won't know if you dont communicate. We didn't, look what happened. <br />
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I'm probably going to delete this story in a few days and get off your site. I just wanted to say I did not intended to hurt anyone and if I did hurt or offend anyone I'm sorry. To those who were kind with words and encouragement I appreciate it. I do sincerely wish all of you In this group the very best outcome for each individual person whatever that is. God Bless You and Your Family !

Let me guess. <br />
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This post is one of the steps this refuser has to take to prove that she " worked " on her marriage before she runs off with the man she REALLY wants to ****.

Wrong. I don't have another man I thin you misunderstood. I love my husband he is the only man in my life. This post doesnt justify at all that I'm working on my marriage. To tell the truth the other night when I posted I read a couple of post had true heartfelt feelings that I thought if I could help someone with anything my story had to offer then it was worth it refuser or refused. That's all this is about this doesn't help me one bit.

I am lost, new member reading all this **** is only going to get more confused than before.<br />
DO we want refusers to admit and grow and work OR NOT?<br />
What is this member doing wrong exactly?????<br />
TROLL OR NOT you guys are all contradicting your selves .......

Ocean, I'm entirely with you on this. The OP is (it seems) very genuinely trying to fix her marriage. From her posts it seems she is both pro-active AND doing the "right" sort of things to make it work. I am aware that she has a long way to go - she seems to realise that too. And she is also well aware that her efforts may be too late . . . But I believe she deserves credit for really trying; credit for being honest about her own errors and support from us here.

I understand that there are many damaged souls here and it IS hard to find sympathy for someone in the same camp as someone who has hurt you. But I do believe that running down her efforts and abusing her is both totally unhelpful and very rude.
If I was a Refuser reading here, I would immediately think "Well, NOTHING I do will ever be enough to fix it - so why bother?" And while I doubt we get many Refusers here, I totally agree with Baz's position which is this:
"Whoever gets on ILIASM (Refused or Refuser) with the genuine intent of trying to fix their marriage has my support."

Gosh, wish my man would read your post.

If he's like mine, he only thinks about it when you bring it up, then promptly forgets about it thereafter. But if you are like me then you feel sad about it all the time. The only good thing that I can say about it is that, since I was being ignored, I didn't need to ignore men any longer.

"wanting him to just love me again"<br />
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I'm afraid this would ring a much better note were you wanting to love him, cherish him and, oh yes, desire him... not just roll over and give a little, but actually desire him.<br />
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You desire your marriage and your life style... I truly fear that you do not truly love or desire your husband. Not as a husband.<br />
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As for you having the right to say things I don't agree with... of course you do, just as I have a right to say things that others, and you, don't agree with.<br />
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...and I don't agree with you attempting to find ways to re-entrap your husband. It's far past time to graciously let him go.

FOP I respectfully dis agree.
Once again we are all here tryign to make things work, always saying it takes 2 to make it work, and here again, there is someone who is trying to fix the damage.
She is admitting her mistakes, fixing them, and doing her best to keep her family united. I dont ******* get it.

When you have been through a few judo flips you will be perhaps a little more jaded Ocean...

I respect your opinion on this, and recognize that you are not yet at a point where you see this through the eyes of those of us who have been round the whole circuit a few times.

Yes, it's what we believe we want... but it generally falls far short of our needs.

SO why is it that when someone gets laid here, we all say 'ooooooooh aaaaaaaaaaah, im so happy for you and all that ****?"
Instead of, good luck untill next year????
Are we lying to our selves too.
If its a dead end street, then why do we suggest the counseling, the "talk", if its all futile, why am I reading it over and over and over?????

Friend of promise - I don't know what you all are reading, but I DO CHERISH AND LONE MY HUSBAND AND YES DESIRE HIM!!! I'm not trying to re- in trap him I've said it before I gave him every chance to leave was very sincere in telling him if you don't want a life with me then that's the way it has to be. I told him to go file and be with the op. he's still here for now. I don't care about my life style the money or anything else he is the world to me and I LOVE THIS MAN with all my heart. That's all I can say. Believe me or not whatever. I don't know why I would get on a site like this and lie. Why would I do that. I tell you all I DON'T LIE I am honest as the days long and I take my part in this. I do want him to love my again sure I do. He still does love me, I just want it to be passionate romantic love again not just caring love. He loved me once like I still love him. I get it believe me I know how it wore on him year after year I truly do - damn i damaged the most important person in my life more than I could have ever imagined.

I believe that you feel these things right now... but once you convince him, and life begins to get in the way again... and you stop being fearful of losing him... that is where the rubber hits the road.

A year from now, if you still feel the same way... then maybe it will have a some chance of sticking.

...and maybe enough of us being skeptical will fire you up enough to keep you going too. And if that makes for a mutually happy marriage for you and your husband, well that's a wonderful thing.

I don't hope for failure here, I've just seen far too much backsliding to be very easy to impress.

My ex cried his eyes out, begged pleaded and finally got me back... and within a few weeks we were back to sex every month or so... and the old attitudes.

In response to Ocean... because you have to exhaust every avenue before you are ready to call it quits. So that you can leave and not be crippled by guilt.

I understand your skepticism. I have been doing this for 2yrs and 3 mos already. I have not stopped with the sex I'm not refusing, I'm different, my attitude and everything. I fully believe if he stays with me one yr from now I will still be this way. I will do whatever it takes I love him to much. I will never let him hurt like this again. If testosterone stops working I'll find something else, there are a ton of things out there to help. I plan to be active for years. I know we don't know what the future holds but I can honestly say I will not fail him ever again. I hurt him way too much caused all kinds of pain. I wont do that again. I'm convienced that this is my life style now. If he forgives me eventually and he can ever get back to trusting and loving me it will make it even 100 x better for me than it is now. I have been doing all of this during, in the middle, and after the affair with him giving me hell. I think I can reform, I think I already have. He even told me yeah I think you have changed. That makes him made though and I understand that. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, hands folded in prayer asking God to help me change and be the wife my man deserves. That's all I can do

4 More Responses

Flagged and unsubscribed. I think its time to stop feeding the troll.

Enna30. Thank you for your encouragement and I agree with you on the bullying and looking right over it. I know who I am and what I am and what I have been. I am an honest person. I don't really care what anyone says I know, my husband knows and God knows my heart and my intensions and that's all that matters. If my husband were to read those negative comments about their perseption of me he would be all over it. He would definitely take up for me no doubt. I did expect some reactions like this that's ok. I do and will look right over it. It doesn't not affect me other than I feel sorry for them. They didnt run me off either i have been busy living life. Im not judging them thats not my job. I guess they think its there job though. I think a lot of people associate all refusers as the same, but that is not the case. I may have been messed up and had a lot of issues and needed help in the sexual realm but I am a honest, genuinely good, not selfish person. I'm not a me, me, me it's all about me person at all. Everyone who knows me knows this. <br />
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It was mentioned by someone that God was saddened by what a lying cowherd I am. Don't know where that came from. I am definetley not a liar I tell the truth I don't lie and I am no cowherd that's for sure. Everything in this post is so judgmental and who ever this is has no clue. I think God would not be happy with this response. I was taught we are not to judge that is God's job. You are certainly correct in what you say enna30 I agree with you about the nay-sayer bullies. That's all I'm gonna say about that!

RRW, some (fortunately only a few) people on this forum LOVE to abuse and bully those with whom they don't agree. Please don't allow such people to drive you away. I may not agre with much you say, but I do respect your right to say it. And I believe you are honestly doing yor best to redeem your marriage.<br />
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Those nay-sayers who have nothing of value to contribute but cannot resist putting in the boot are not worthy of your attention IMO. Let their bullying flow over you and ignore them. It is THEIR problem that they are like this - not your's.

" I knew it was important to him. " <br />
They all do.


RRW, you are certainly proving you are made of sterner stuff! Good for you in taking on the comments and realising that we, your fiercest critics, are certainly going to make you jump through ALL the hoops before we genuinely believe in your desire to change! If you can stick this out, then I truly think you DO have a chance to redeem your marriage.<br />
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I want to mention something to you which I feel may be relevant in your situation. My Refuser, my now ex-husband, is a fine man, a good man and a man I'm still very close to. We still love each other, although not as husband and wife. We see each other regularly and share family occasions with our family.<br />
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I think you might be very like him in this way - he was always very good about putting me first PROVIDED anything I wanted to do/ have etc. did NOT clash with what he wanted. In that way, he was generous and thoughtful. But the ACID test was when I wanted something he did NOT want.<br />
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There were a number of examples of this over our twenty two years together. The ongoing one was an intimate sexual relationship. Another happened when he retired. He took early retirement at fifty five due to health issues. I was forty two and working full time. He wanted to move - I did not. I was happy with my life and my job, and I felt we could stay where we were or down size and stay in the same city. But, you guessed it. We moved - because HE wanted it.<br />
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Several years later I wanted to leave full time work and work part time. By then I was over fifty and my health was not great. He was VERY reluctant for me to do this. Why? Because I would not be bringing in as much money as I had been. On this occasion I stuck to my guns and started working part time. . . but it hurt very much that he put his desire for my money ahead of my well-being.<br />
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Now you might say: "I would never do that!"<br />
But stop and think hard . . . Are you generous with your time and energy only if that involves you doing something you WANT to do? Do you resist doing things that he wants to do; or buying things he wants to buy, if you personally don't want that? Do you criticise his choices; tell him "we don't need / want that" or refuse to go places or see people he wants to see? Does your choice of time and place for holidays always triumph over his? Do you eat at restaurants that are your choice? Do you see films or go to concerts you want to go to?<br />
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There is NOTHING wrong with sometimes having your own way - but it should be fifty-fifty (or therabouts). If YOUR wishes are always the ones that are heeded and his always take second place, then it is NOT fair.<br />
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You see, we often read on ILIASM about spouses who are "wonderful" except for their refusal of sex. . . and yet the truth is that these people are NOT really wonderful. A person who is truly generous of spirit and whole-heartedly supports and encourages a spouse in his/her own needs/wants/desires/pursuits is NOT a person whose ONLY fault is not wanting to have sex. Because if such a person had their spouse's needs/wants/desires/etc. at heart and fully supported them in these things, it would include the sexual relationship IMO.<br />
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Far more often we discover that the "wonderful" spouse is "wonderful" if he/she is getting his/her own way. Or this person will let the spouse have their own way provided it in no way disadvantages him/her. But once there is a need for true compromise, or an adjustment of the person's OWN comfort levels in order to accomodate the spouse, THEN we see the true person . . . <br />
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Because the true person is NOT happy to make genuine sacrifices that are not in their OWN best interests. Even if they recognise that the other spouse is unhappy because of their choice, they do not seek a compromise, but INSIST on having things "their way".<br />
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IS THIS YOU?<br />
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Because if it is, you need to think long and hard about how your behaviour may be impacting on your husband in areas other than sex.<br />
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Many of us, the Refused, are guilty of allowing such behaviour to go on for too long. We give up on trying to get cooperation or concensus from our spouses because we KNOW it will cause conflict, drama and unhappiness all round. And then the spouse will win anyhow. . . . !! That is or fault - IF we stood up for ourselves and insisted on equity much earlier in our relationships, we MAY have saved them. Or we may have driven our spouses off years ago! But either way, we would not be the "door mats" that we are by the end of our sexless marriages.<br />
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So please think about EVERY aspect of your life together. You don't have to "give in" on everything - just agree that you BOTH have rights. And if I have misjudged you, and you are indeed the soul of generosity and thoughtfulness in all things other than intimacy, I apologise.

You've just described my wife and our relationship to a T.

Nonookie, over my time in ILIASM I have discovered that this is a VERY common pattern for Refusers. We (the Refused) become "grateful" for things being peaceful, so we give in rather than hold to our rights to have a fair slice of the pie. That is OUR bad; but their bad is putting up such resistance to anything (and everything ) we want that does not fit with their own preferences. Eventually it becomes "peace at all costs" - and that is when we trulylose the battle IMO.

Enna30 I get what you are saying and I have searched my soul over all of this. I think i am a generous person who general puts others first and i am a considerate person for others feelings as odd as that may sound. I feel my husband would say this about me too. I will say this there have been times that he has wanted something a man toy or something like that and I would be concerned about the money and afraid we might not aught to spend the money. So I have been the devils advocate on things like that and didn't just say oh yeah go get it. It always ends up that he gets it and I end up loving what ever he purchased and we are fine financial. I know he doesn't feel I fully supported him when it came to things like that. My husband was definitely not a door mat I think he would agree. I do admit that after all of this I have realized how I was with him and how I would say things like why are you parking here or just being fussy about stupid little stuff. I noticed in riding with him that wow I would have normally said this, but through this I don't do that to him anymore. I am aware of that kind of thing now. I am guilty of not being totally supportive of things, but like your retirement thing or anything that really affected him I would always side on what was best for him health wise. I am totally supportive now of anything he wants or does. Truthfully I was thinking once the girls are out of high school it will be time for him to get his. Meaning he's always supported us and provided for us putting his hobbies or interest aside and it would be his turn. This was before all this started. Mind you, he made those choices and wanted to do with our girls and never once resented any of that and me either. He made their hobbies and interest his so did I. We really never had time to do anything with each other. I am not selfish with family time either. I have always been fair there and he has too. We both love both of our families as our own. That is the way is has always been. Me and my husband have always taken care of everyone if something goes wrong or they need money I say help them give it to them. He has done the same thing with my family. Let it be clear I in no way think I a wonderful spouse. I do think I have been fair and not controlling and through this I have consider all aspects do life. I truly have always loved to be with him where ever doing what ever. We are terrible about deciding on where to eat because we are both considerate of the other he wants to go where I want to go and I try to guess and go where I think he wants to eat. Sometimes I wish we would just say I want to go to ? Wherever. We've have always been pretty considerate of each other when it comes to everyday stuff. We both are pretty generous really and both have genuine good hearts. I hope this makes sense and doesn't seem like I am patting myself on the back because I not. I have my faults but I am working on my flaws and I think I'm improving. I think he would say that too. Time for bed I'm exhausted. My husband is too he worked storms all last night and didn't sleep any last night so he's fast asleep already, but if he rolls over and wants a little somethin somethin I will too!
23 hours ago

Sent from my iPad

I'd be interested in your response to the question I posed to you earlier, if you're amenable.

Nonookie's question:
"My question for you is this. You obviously knew for years that your husband was unhappy and frustrated, yet it took him having an affair to wake you up to the enormity of the problem. What, if anything, could have made you recognize the severity of the impact of your sexless marriage on him earlier, and motivated you to take the steps you're taking now, before things reached a crisis with his affair? As a reformed refuser, that's the bit of information that I think might be helpful to folks on this board whose relationships perhaps aren't too far gone as is mine."
YES! We would all be ery interested to hear your answer.

I fear that even if I "accidentally" (on purpose) were to leave a copy of this where she could find would not change a thing. I am also in your age bracket...and grew up in a "churchified" home. Even though the sexual revolution, rock and roll, eventually disco, and the term casual sex were everywhere...the leaders of the church at the time saw fit to see everything through the "June Cleaver" model. I can not say for sure but I suspect you were in a similar situation. While this does not give you a least you seem to have escaped to having your own mind now.<br />
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If - this were a year or so back....perhaps I would hope that my wife would find a way to turn around. As it is I only hope that I find the door-mouse and get out of the reach of the Queen of hearts before we play anymore mental croquet and bash our hearts unwillingly though the wickets.<br />
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Challenged to try one more time by a good friend I was conversing with about the situation - I finally blurted out that I did not want to try. That I did not want her anymore. That I had transitioned to a refusing simply refusing to even try anymore. The fact that I meant it was both surprising and liberating. I would not take the "back in love pill" if there were such a thing. <br />
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Best of luck to you....

Well there you have your answer you seem very confident in your decision. I wish you all the best. Thanks

Yeah -

but its a dang-sure ugly one.......I really did not see it this way 22 years ago.

Bdeing confident doesn't mean he is happy. You learn to live without your leg if it is removed, but you don't like it.

Well this is the 3rd time I've typed this paragraph I've lost it 2 times already. Not that familiar with posting or the site. I just wanted to add that my marriage wasn't totally sexless. Almost but not totally, I know might as well have been! I always tried to make sure that we did not go over two weeks and sometimes it was more. There were times I made a conscious effort and there was more sex within the week and month. I know there were times we did go over 2 weeks too. To my husband that can do it morning, noon, and night and in between it might as well have been sexless. I read stories and have heard about people going months sometimes yrs without and that wasn't the case here. Honestly I thought we were a pretty normal couple. He didn't. That was part of my problem too I thought too much I guess. I am by nature a worrier and worry about what the kids would hear. Don't worry about that is what I would say now it's okay if they heard a little peep it wouldn't kill them. I was always worried they would come in and I didn't want to lock the door or they would think something. I know stupid. I was backward as a young girl and woman about this issue and wish I had matured and grown up and realized what I was doing. All you read about women was true for me no excuses though, but I was tired, worked fulltime, and had all of the normal duties and responsibilities of a mom and wife. Kids were very, very active in sports we went all the time. It seemed like I never got any attention outside of the bedroom and that is big for a lot of women it is for me anyway. I am not going to go into all of that because I still think no I know I could have done better! Blah, blah, blah I know. We both put our children first and that is a no no really. I think they should be right up there a 1/2 a step behind but you should put God 1st and then your spouse just like the Bible says. We both failed at this, but I think he would have done a better job at it if I had done a better job. I just want to mention a web site and particularly a four sermon session on our church's web site. If you don't want to go there then don't but if you do it could possibly be beneficial in these situations. It is unreal what my pastor preached on while all of this was going on about relationships and marriage. There are a ton of good sermons on here. The web site is back in I think it was in possible August of 2010 or forward that he preached 4 sermons on the pursuit of happiness the four ps could have been early 2011 there are several super sermons on this very subject. You can sing up through iTunes to listen. I would totally recommend this for anyone who believes in God and wants help for there marriage. I would ask my refusing spouse to listen to them with you after you've listen to them and you think they are worth listening to. It breaks my heart to hear some of the posts that says its to late or she'll never change. I am true honest when I say I would have fell in the floor if my husband sat down and truly opened up and communicated with me about this and our future together. If he had said I want you and I both to pay more attention to one another I want us to be each others priority now. Wow! We are headed for retirement age early retirement age we are 47 and stii have one child at home and one married. Thus is a whole new ball game and phase of life and it needs to be discussed and talked about. Everything changes so you better make a plan and learn to be a couple again. I thought we would do that get closer maybe more sex and closeness and doing something together once again. He was thinking oh he'll no I don't want to be with her all alone. Don't blame him. See though we were again at separate ends of thinking. I know I should have been more in tune, but he didn't talk to me about things either. Our oldest daughter got engaged in September 2009 and that's when it went all haywire. He was having terrible withdrawal about her growing up and not being with us and it through everything into a tail spin. It's the empty nest I'm telling you, but guess what I was having anxiety too about all of this. I wasnt scoffer anymore, I wasn't needed anymore. I went from being so flippin busy with no time to oh shoot what now. I got a puppy before all of this started and at that time my husband admits he was thinking I wish she would pay more attention to me and not get a dog. I wanted more too I was feeling like well what now. If this is your life or where you are headed and you love you spouse by all means open up and talk about it all.

Thank you for your story. Now, could you please send it to my wife.

Try to talk to her if you can I wish my husband had opened up and been vulnerable to me instead of another women. He didnt and doesn't communicate very well very proud and of the demeanor I don't need any help I can handle it. Not so. You get in such a rut and so far apart it's really hard to get back to something that was once great. In fact I don't think he remembers that we once were very close. Loved each other, couldn't go without talking, talked and talkled and he actually liked me. Try to reach her somehow I hope she will listen to you. You might want to talk to her like you would have when she was your girlfriend or like when you liked talking to one another. She might just be interested if she loves you it will touch her heart.

Thank you for this My wife of 35 years, yes High School sweethearts is the most important thing ever in my life, but that does not relief the frustrations of rejection the past 4 years. It has got to the point I don't even try to initiate intimacy because I know the results and she will just feel bad about it, then I will feel like a heel myself.

Tell her to go get checked out see if her testostrone level is okay. I decided I don't care I was trying things and really truthfully who cares if it knocked a couple of years off my life, not that it would, but what I am trying to say is whatever it takes whatever, im willing to take the consequences to have a better life. To give my husband back the most i can for the rest of my life. If he will let me. Tell her to start reading love or romance novels, tell her to start going to bed naked :-) reading about relationships and about sex on the Internet I hope I didn't over step my bounds here. Tell her she's sexy and tell her to start taking pride in herself and her looks. Buy some fancy sexy underwear and bras, wear dresses and skirts for her and for you. All things I did not do, but I do know. I so love the fact you said she is the most important thing in the world to you that's awesome! Have you told her that lately? My husband is the most important thing to me too I still love him so very much. What is really sad is the fact that I have always had this love for him just imagine if I showed him by my actions what that would have done for us. I really think there is a solution or something that could work for you both I sure hope you can find it. Helps out there whatever it may be just need to get up and get it. Thanks for you kind words!

Just over a year at ILIASM, and I am so jaded, every time I see a "I am a remorseful refuser" I am sure it's a troll. Even if that's not the case, 1. other refusers will NOT see this in time and 2. refusees will just end up with a higher blood pressure and clenched fists.

I didn't say my reaction is rational or justified, just that I have that reaction. Anyway, the second half is rational: such remorseful articles do not serve any tangible purpose on ILIASM, unfortunately.

I'm sorry ulae. I do understand your comments actually and it's not all your fault I guarantee you that! The old saying it takes two to tango - for surrrrre. I am really not a troll. :-). Thanks angryguy77 appreciate your backing me on that

OK, so you are not a troll. Note I am not abusing you like some others here. All I did was to observe (and predict) that your story will not reach other refusers, and it will just raise hell with refusees. Such is the fate of such (rare) confessionals on ILIASM.

If I give you my wife's email could you send this story to her??? Ha Ha just kidding. Thank you for writing this as you have described my relationship to a tee. I wish she would have had this epiphany years ago. Too late now!!!!!<br />
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I have bee in an SM for over 20 years married for 27 years. When I first read your post I thought it could have been written by my SO. I never cheated until 2 years ago and now I don't think there is any way to go back from here. <br />
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Again thank you for a great post!!!!

Wow. I'm like you I wish I had some kind of dang epiphany!!! I do disagree with you on any way to go back though of course I don't know your situation and don't mean to say anything out of the way, but I do believe there is a way back. A dang treacherous winding road, but there's a way back if there is still love there. I once read this, if you could take a pill and be hopelessly in love with your spouse again would you do it? Well, would ya? Would she? If your answers yes there is dad gum hope for sure. The answer is yes sure I will send it to her, but she might like to sit down and talk to you rather than some stranger giving advice that totally screwed up her marriage, husband, kids, and the rest of the family! Best to you

I have been moved by many of the stories posted since I have been a member, but your post cut me to the quick. I am at the point your husband was before he started the affair. I respect your decision to fix what needs to be fixed, and make what sounds like lifelong changes. It's sad that it took your husband's desperate outreach to fulfill his needs to wake you up, but it is wonderful that you indeed did wake up. It is also amazing that you are willing to own the responsibility for what you did to him. <br />
I would love to show this to my wife, but I don't think it would make a difference to her. If she were to adopt the same position as you have (not going to happen), it would take several years of experience of the new her ( and us) to even begin to trust that she has changed. At the first hint of the old refusals coming back, it would knock down the house of cards, and undo the good that had been done.<br />
I am happy for the two of you that you are working to change the dynamic you have created. Best of luck to both of you!<br />
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It may very well still be to late in my case the jury is still out with my honorable husband as judge. Ewe that could be bad very bad. Jk kind of. Anyway you are so right about the waking up and also the part about the trust and the cards falling that is so very true. My husband is drinking some never has before all of this but he is now and that does make it kind of difficult on me and wanting to have sex if he is three sheets to the wind sort of, but I do it. Sometimes though here lately it's been so hard because I don't feel loved at all, I know, I am aware that it's hard for him too I really do. Ive be trying my best and bending over backwards (sometimes literally- hahaha. Jk) to make this work and show him how much I care and I'm serious about this life style change. I get how hard it is for him to get the old prune me out of his head though and trust or let me back in. Keep in mind though im still having to deal with images and thoughts of him and another woman and the fact he fell in love with her. Thats pretty damn hard too. Especially when he has changed a lot of his sexual demeanor in bed because I'm thinking oh she must have liked that because he keeps doing it to me in hopes that it will rock me like it did her. Oh my! I am in it to win it though i will keep plugging along as long as I can. Thanks. There is always hope. Glass half full person

It sounds like you finally appreciate the effect that neglecting your husbands needs for years had on him, and are doing your best to rectify that now. Whether or not it's too little, too late, only time will tell.<br />
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I know that in my case, after more than 28 years of perpetual frustration, more than 26 of those married, if my wife were to do a complete 180 at this stage I'm fairly certain that it wouldn't be enough. Not even daily sex would do the trick. There was such a time, but it's long since passed. It's all moot anyway, because there's little chance that she would ever get to the place where you are now. That's why I plan to exit when my youngest graduates HS in a couple of years, if not sooner. For my own sanity, I know I need to start fresh and jettison all the bitterness and emotional baggage that have accumulated over the years. When she talks about our retirement years I just have to shake my head in disbelief. I can't imagine how she could possibly be that oblivious. There will be no travelling to places we always wanted to go, or sipping lemonade in the rocking chairs on the porch. Not for us.<br />
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My question for you is this. You obviously knew for years that your husband was unhappy and frustrated, yet it took him having an affair to wake you up to the enormity of the problem. What, if anything, could have made you recognize the severity of the impact of your sexless marriage on him earlier, and motivated you to take the steps you're taking now, before things reached a crisis with his affair? As a reformed refuser, that's the bit of information that I think might be helpful to folks on this board whose relationships perhaps aren't too far gone as is mine.<br />
<br />
Thank you for sharing your story, and I sincerely wish you the best of luck. I think you're going to need it.

Good question. In the bad-old-days, I also got references to what we would be doing in our dotage, going round the world in an RV. My flab was utterly ghasted by that notion, that she actually believed I'd want to be stuck in a sexless box in gorgeous places. Bizarre.

For me, it's less about the sex or more likely lack thereof in these idyllic retirement years she envisions, and more about the damage already done. I have no idea the level of importance sex will hold for me then. I just don't see spending my waning years with someone who was perfectly satisfied to stand by and watch me spend my sexual prime in a constant state of frustration and misery. There aren't enough years left to undo it or erase it from my memory.

Yes, sex is a shorthand for a big set of living that's being denied. And why would you want to erase it, it will ensure that it never happens again.

If she wanted to pull out all the stops and give it her best shot, she would be more than welcome to try. But out of decency, like you, I would have to tell her up front that I couldn't make any promises or guarantees that anything she does would make a difference at this stage, or get me to put my heart back into it in the least. Then she could decide for herself if it would be worth the risk for her to continue to invest the effort. My guess would be not. Am I bitter? Well maybe just a scoche.

Oh my gosh I just typed a huge reply to you and I don't know we're it went. The short of the long of it is communication being open and talking about things. I hope I find what I typed it had a lot in it if I do find it I will forward. I did change just by my husband being angry and telling me he was seriously thinking about things and what to do about it. I did change out of fear of loosing him but honestly did not know for about 3 mos there was another woman. If he hadn't started the affair and had talked to me like he did and had never talked to me that way before he would have been so happy with me and wouldn't have strayed. I know I could have changed that along time ago. That is why I take my blame and part in this. I'm not real happy with this quick answer after writing a book but I'm getting tired so this will have to do

I appreciate the reply and sorry you lost your original(FYI, what works for me is composing longer messages into a text editor or word processor, then copying and pasting into the EP message box). If I understand you correctly, you would have been just as motivated without the affair, the reason being that even in advance of learning about it, your husband expressed his anger and resentment in such a way that it was clear to you that he was or had contemplated leaving you, which is essentially an implicit, if not explicit threat. By my way of reckoning, these amount to the same thing, i.e. fear of losing one's spouse being the only effective motivation. While disappointing, this is pretty much consistent with everything I've read to date. One would like to think that a refusing spouse might be motivated to make changes out of love, caring, empathy, etc., without having to resort to outright threats of one form or another. I can't help but find a turnabout based on fear and loss aversion less attractive and compelling in some way. But whatever works I guess.

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How about, now that your H has found happiness with someone else, you gracefully bow out, find a job, move on with your life, and allow visitation for your daughter's sake?<br />
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You really cannot go back - the instances, like hl42, are less than 1% on this board, and BOTH parties must truly WANT to make it work. We have your side, but I bet if it got to the stage of an affair after almost 3 decades, there is little incentive on HIS side to make your life any better. <br />
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I could not go back with my STBX, not if he begged, and the reason is I do NOT find him attractive. I would have 1/2 year ago - but once that switch is off, once you realize the FULL harm that was inflicted on you, why would you EVER go back to your REFUSER/ABUSER?<br />
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Sure repent, make it all about you again. Now get on with your own life and let him be.

Excellent post, zsu! I, too, was struck while reading her story that she did a remarkable job turning it around and making it about her suffering because of the affair. Well, no ****, most spouses can only take so much refusal before finding alternatives. Had she been willing to be more sexually intimate, an affair probably could have been avoided. Of course that does not absolve the husband for his wrongdoing, but holy hell....for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction.

Thank you for posting. I fear there are not many people here who are in the position you were that will read your message, and who might benefit from your advice. If you think about the way your attitude used to be, that hardly encourages a person to go out and read about the reality for the "other" side. <br />
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May I instead encourage you to speak out about what you have learned in real life - so that others in your life you care about can maybe avoid some of the pain you and your husband are going through.<br />
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Now, if I could give you some feedback on where your husband may be, me and DW have come back from the brink and reinvented our marriage. I did not go with an affair, but was desperate (I don't mean sexually), it was down to bare metal, and could easily have gone to divorce. She did not respond until it had got to that point, and had many of the attitudes and beliefs you did.<br />
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Now, even though she has (eventually) responded very well, and is GGG, it has taken 3 years for me to get to a point where trust is restored sufficiently so that lovemaking feels safe again. And I still vividly remember the searing and brutal rejections from years back, and can still feel the stabbing in the heart from the neglect and lack of compassion.<br />
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And it could easily have gone too far, some things are not recoverable because the bad associations run too deep.<br />
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What we have done (and as ModLulu has excellently described for her situation) - this one of the most difficult things we've done. Not only do you need to have acknowledged with contrition the enormity of what has happened, you need to consistently and lovingly demonstrate your commitment and understanding. If he's anything like me, I came to view whatever W said as contemptible BS, I only believed in action.<br />
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If course, things went somewhat further in your case, so it may indeed not be recoverable.<br />
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Can I suggest developing a notion of reinventing your marriage rather than wanting it to be "fixed". That might inject a notion of excitment and exploration rather than contrition and patch-up. Of course, part of that excitement is that indeed you may not have many more tomorrows together - but then that's always the case.

I agree with you that the marriage needs to be reinvented I've told my husband that. It must be taken on as a new life together. Not sure he's in yet, but he's still here so maybe that's a good sign. I have talked about this in real life and will when ever I can help anyone. Good advice. I know trust is huge for him and it is for me too you know. Yes I did something to him that hurt him deeply but he did something that is not easily forgotten and deeply hurt our whole family. I try to understand and think I do how he feels. I know my husband and how I had to push him off the deep end for him to cave and have an affair. So I know what I have done to him I truly do and will take whatever I need too from him to try to reconnect and get a new life together. Thanks for posting

FWIW, I think an "unprovoked" affair is similar in destructive power to unprovoked or careless refusals. The difference being that the sexlessness is more like the death of a 1,000 cuts. In this case, there are obviously mitigating factors to the affair, that's not to belittle your feelings about it, you will have lost trust too. I guess the important thing is that both of you can buy into a compelling vision of a worthwile marriage together that you do want, without the lies of sexlessness or an affair. Whatever happens, you are making an offer to him to dance nicely together, and it's then up to him to say if he wants that, and you trust him to keep you safe in his arms.

Remorseful, you say that you hurt "him," and that he, in turn, hurt "the whole family." You also had a hand in hurting the whole family. Your actions (or inactions) have consequences as well. What if your husband was able to avoid any affair and he just put up with your refusals year after year after year after year until finally he said, "That's it! I'm out of here!" Guess what? That also hurts the whole family, and guess who carries the major responsibility for that result? You. Stop trying to bring him into your guilt and blame game.

You are so right I totally agree with you. I have admitted to my husband and written him a long apology and how I failed him as a wife and I do take my blame. You do not know how I have poured my heart out to my husband. I have been totally honest with my family and close friends about my part in this. Even our own daughters ive told them now that they are older how i traeted there dad. I take my guilt you have NO idea the guilt I feel for what I have done to my sweet man. I live with it daily too! We both have blame and guilt and it is more my fault than his! I mean that! I know what went on in our relationship. I'm a honest person and I'm trying to admit and face all I have done and my part in this.

I agree with you, but If you have not been on the side of an affair you have no idea what you feel or go through. It is also like 1000 cuts and I would have rather suffered 1000 cuts to rather than the affair and on that note I seriously would take 1000 cuts to take it all back and start all over again with what I know now. I told my husband I would do anything to make it different I would cut off my right arm and I mean that with all my heart if I could do it over. I know that doesn't mean anything but it is true.

Actually, in real life, you would NOT prefer the thousand cuts. Believe me. I've been on both sides - first husband a philanderer and second husband a Refuser. OFcourse the affairs hurt terribly. But the Refusing eats at your soul in a way you cannot imagine.

HL42 I
've tried to "like" your comment but it won't let me!! So herewith my LIKE!!!!!!!!
PLus ++++++++++++++++++

I truly believe it does eat away at your soul. ;-( it really hurts me that I made my husband feel that way. I kind of experienced a little taste of that in times when we were not together and how the roles changed and I wanted him so bad it literally hurt. I know it doesn't compare to all he endured, but In those moments of hurting I knew how my husband felt for years. It is truly awful. I truly am not after any ones sympathy or empathy I really just wanted to possibly contribute to a hurting family is all.

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Thanks for sharing, it gives me hope a good out come is still possible for my marriage.

I so hope you have a great out come and that can happen if there is true, true love. I couldn't have done what I have done the last 2 + yrs if I didn't truly love this man. I think he truly loves me too to have stayed with me and is still with me. I know he once loved me whole heartly but that has been severely damaged I just hope I can repairs that damage and gain his trust back. God bless you and bless your marriage

Thank you

You made the mistake that most Refusers do. You chose to live your married life according to what YOU wanted and not according to what was right for you both. It took him having an affair to bring you around. WHY did seeing your husband miserable not affect you? Why was it necessary for YOUR life to be threatened (by his affair) before you took action?<br />
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I cannot help but feel that this marriage is still all about YOU. Are you having loving intimate enjoyable sex with him because you both want it? Or are you "giving" him sex to keep him from straying again? There is a HUGE difference.<br />
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If you are truly enjoying your sexual connection, that is great! But it does beg the question: "Why did you cut him off for so long?"<br />
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If you are having "duty sex" to keep him from going back to his girlfriend, it is unlikely to work in the long term. See, he has now experienced what it is like to be sexual and intimate with a woman who truly WANTS him . . . "Duty sex" is unlikely to be even a pale imitation of what he had with her.<br />
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And you may well find that you have effectively "taught" him not to desire you. When a person cannot have something they really want for a long time, they (subconsciously) teach themselves not to want it. So we find that many marriages that reach the point your's has reached, actually cannot survive because the Refused person can no longer find it in him or herself to genuinely desire the other spouse. This usually comes as a terrible SHOCK to the Refused spouse, who has believed for YEARS that the only thing they want is for their Refuser spouse to change. It is tragic that when this does happen, it may well be too late.<br />
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You say he is having a hard time forgiving you. I hope you understand that this is because you only acted when YOUR world was threatened (by his affair). You had no response to make to his ongoing unhappiness. You managed to cheerfully ignore that and excuse yourself from any responsibility for it. How can he now feel you are acting out of genuine love for HIM, and not just for yourself and what you want?<br />
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When it looked like YOUR world might come crashing down, you finally did something. But he will not be reassured that you did this out of love for him - because love for him never prompted you to take action previously. What DID prompt you to act was thinking YOU might lose your husband . . . . <br />
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I give you credit for trying to save your marriage - but I suspect it is far too little, far too late for your efforts to have any long lasting success.

Ok, you are correct in saying I was more concerned about me I guess when it came to our physical relationship I was very small minded and did not consider my husband like I should have. I was selfish in that respect I agree with you. In the other aspects of our lives I put him and our girls first that's the truth. I am not a selfish person at all really, but I know in my heart if I had put his needs in the bedroom above my own we would had the happiest marriage on earth. I wish I had realized the enormity of the situation and the damage I was doing. I truly did not know what I was doing I know that is hard to understand but it is the truth. I didn't realize what it meant to him I know it's hard for your side to understand that, but my husband has agreed with me that I did not do this on purpose and I definetly did not mean to hurt him so deeply. I have a good heart. I see know what I did and I am so sorry all I can do know is show him by my actions what he means to me. He is making that kind of hard but that's ok I will hang in there. The affair has made it really hard too. I have put my feelings aside about that and have this whole time to show him how very much I love him. You are incorrect in your statement this marriage is still all about me that is the farthest from the truth. I actually have desire now the testosterone cream works and I am constantly search for other supplements or what have you to assist me. I will never and I mean never let him down again. It's gonna take a while to prove that to him I get that. It is not duty sex for sure and I am enjoying it and trying to convience him I am a new person truly. He seems to still want me, but he struggles too just as I am it's a hard long road from what I can tell. If he can't tell that I'm genuine at this point we have been through so much with this affair, like every affair it was so messed up in every way, it was terrible, then I don't know what would convince him. By the way didn't know and didn't even think there was another woman for about 2 to 3 mos and I reacted to his anger and him opening up to me about this. We have been having sex w just about everyday, right now it's not as good we are struggling, but I don't turn him down and I initiate too. This is a whole new phase in our lives and I am ready to start new and be the wife I need to be if he will give me the chance. I did act out of fear of loosing him not out of fear of another woman, but purely the fact I might loose him. I hate that so much but sometimes it takes a good shaking to figure it out. I do truly hate that fact for him especially. I am an optimist I guess but I believe that we are supposed to be together and I will be in it for the long haul if I can gain his trust back I hope he gains mine too. He can but he has to try also. Thanks for responding I appreciate your comments.

You are very sincere about your efforts and I do applaud you for that, RRW. It seems you really DO "get it" now, and I hope you will achieve the result you are seeking. Best of luck.

Oh hell. How/why did I think baz wrote that response? Sorry, enna. I still say
Amen anyway to what you wrote. :)

You are either very brave or a bit mad, to post. Maybe just a little bit of both. I'll give you kudos for being just even able or willing to question your own past decisions. I'll also say that being prepared to 'sacrifice' yourself to his needs is not enough to keep up the necessary momentum. But you already recognise that, say it in fact.<br />
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Your first selfish ob<x>jective has to be to reach the break-point that is represented by the "one bird in the hand is worth more than the two in the bush" syndrome. But push beyond that to achieve anything worthwhile for either of you. That means that you are going to have to accept an awful lot of **** from your husband as he hopefully works out his anger, resentment and distrust issues. I guess you know that too. You are going to really have to have broad shoulders. And be able to truly believe in the 'new' you and to be able to believe it is as worth as much to you as it is to him.<br />
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Make others believe it is possible. Make others believe hope, at least sometimes, has it's rewards.<br />
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And good luck, for both your sakes.

I responded to you comments earlier and I don't think they went through. I really do not feel I'm sacrificing myself for him. I truly love and want to show him that with actions. You are so right about taking a lot of ***** from my husband but I am prepared to do that. I hope he works out his anger soooon though. In a way I feel I deserve it. I feel as though I do have broad shoulders or have through this. My shoulders have been supported by the hand of God though through all of this.. You know the foot prints in the sand poem, boy that poem is so true, because through this there were times I couldn't pick up myself and move forward. There were many times I looked back and only saw one set of footprints. I could not have gotten through this with out him. Thanks for the well wishes

I'm not sure you realize the type of group in which you posted.

Misslee you are right. I was really nervous doing this and still am. I don't do face book or anything like that or this. I did read a couple of stories and do realize I'm in the wrong section of the store so to speak. I figured I would get severely hammered but I'm the one who broke out and let my fingers do the talking so I've got to take the good with the bad. I do get how the refused would want to stone me i do get the anger and think they have a right to be for what they have endured. Still quit nervous and don't plan to stay around long. I've got a husband to tend to. :-).

I understand what you are trying to accomplish, and it's a good thing. However, it's just that this group is made up almost exclusively of those who are being refused sex for one reason or another. I think there are some asexual-type groups on EP as well. Your cautionary tale might help them more. Just a thought.

The hair shirt appears to fit you well. Modeling it in public though is a little trite. <br />
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You story doesn't quite read right to me but hey, we are all different and it may help someone so why not accept it as truth.

Boy, I guess I'm getting ready to set myself up, but here it goes anyway. What? Not so sure what the first comment means I'm a little slow. I may not want to no either. I normally do not model anything in public usually very private and mind my own business