Remorseful Refusing WifeThis is the very first time I have ever posted anything on any site or topic. The reason I am posting here is because I was the refusing one for years in our marriage. Everything in our marriage was great other than our sexual and intimate life. My husband is a wonderful man and deserved better from me. I just want to say that I truly did not know how this affected my husband and how very important intimacy was to him and what it actual meant to him. I know that sounds dumd but it is the honest truth. I should have known though. I knew it was important to him.
I want to reach out and if there is one, just one woman or man for that matter that I could help in anyway regarding this matter I so want to do that. If you are being refused you may want to show this to your refusing partner. I truly believe that if you have a healthy desire and libido it is so very damaging and just down right torture to be rejected over and over. Please understand there is no excuse I take the blame for not getting help and seeing how much this meant to my husband. The few things I'm going to state affected my perception of sex. I'm 47yrs old my generation grew up not talking about sex it was somewhat taboo. I had personal childhood experiences that affected my attitude or my perception also of sex. I had the "I want to be a good girl" syndrome and somewhat perceived sex as bad. I know. I know so very stupid! I am religious and do believe God intended for husband and wife to have sexual relations and do believe, now, that he wants you to enjoy one another as a married couple. I would suggest getting out the Bible and reading on this topic this should make an impression on the refusing spouse. I knew what the Bible said about this, but after going through my experience for the past 2 -1/2 yrs I read it and understand at a totally different level. I do feel, and I truly mean this, that I failed my husband as a wife. I let him down and basically failed him and our vows. When we married he had total faith that I would take care of him and his needs. My husband's number one need from me as his wife was sexual fulfillment. For years that need went unfulfilled!
If you are the refusing spouse you better take a step back and evaluate the situation before something happens that you truly, truly do not want to happen. If you love your spouse you better get help. I asked my gynogologist for years about my low libido and that I thought I needed help. I went to the same doctor for years and he never did anything to help me. GO TO ANOTHER DOCTOR!!!! There is help out there. Finally after the loss of my mother I went on Wellbutrin XL and this helped me considerably as far as mental attitude and demeanor. It really didnt make a huge difference in my desire or libido though. I asked my husband if he thought I needed to go to a therapist and he never told me yes, but I think he was thinking YES! You know who thinks they need a therapist or needs help. I thought I was pretty much normal and I thought that's the way it was and the way it was supposed to be, you know the "I've got a headache" bit. I thought it was normal for him to want it all the time and me not. That is not true. There should be a middle ground you reach. We were at different ends of the sex spectrum. I should have gone I should have seeked help because I now realize I needed help. I did see a marriage counselor 2 or 3 time and he told me it was a shame that my doctor didn't help me regarding libido. He told me there are things to help with this.
If you love your spouse start doing something to change this minute. We have gone through an affair the past 2 1/2 yrs and it's been pure hell. Once I sensed something was wrong and he let his anger show before I even knew there was another woman I started digging for help because I knew he was serious and on the verge of leaving me. He has stayed with me over the years for our daughters if it were not for them I don't know. Yeah I do he would have left me. The other woman works with him and showed interest in him, made him feel wanted and admired. She admitted to me that she instigated this affair, of course I knew she did, but listen and listen well refusing spouse You keep rejecting them year after year and eventually something's going to happen. My husband was so vunerable to her and I did this to him! Let me make myself clear neither he or I believe this was an excuse for him to have an affair there should never be any reason you do that. Talk about things and if the spouse is not willing to work with you then leave the marriage. Then find a girlfriend or boyfriend. Believe me it is the worst thing, listen to me refused spouse, it's the worst thing you can do to your spouse and family. It's the worst thing to ever go through especially when you love someone so much and trust them with all
your heart. It truly is not worth it; I think my husband would say the same. There is nothing I can think of other than one of my girls being hurt or sick that would even come close to this. Also, don't think it just hurts the spouse. It hurts the WHOLE family! No one that knows my husband would have ever thought he would have done this I mean no one including himself. Refusing spouse if you love you partner I strongly suggest you find whatever help you need and do it fast.
We were boyfriend and girlfriend in 6 grade and off and on through middle school. We started dating at 16 seriously and fell in love and I knew I was going to marry this man at age 17. We have been married for 27 yrs. We have a lot of history. This man loved and adored me and all he wanted was me! He just wanted me to love him thats all. I know in my heart that he would have never strayed if I had only taken care of him, just even half way met his needs. I love my husband so much even still. I know what kind of man he is - he's a good man. I know some of you think good man? Yes super good man. He has been a great husband and The best father ever. You just dont find men like him easily. I'm still fighting today to keep him in my life and my daughters lives believe me I would not be fighting like I am if he was not worth the fight, he is. I mentioned above that I have faith and believe in God this is my personal beliefs and we are taught that God forgives us so how on this earth could I not forgive my husband. God will forgive him how can I not! Don't think it didn't hurt me and is still hurting me and absorbing my life it is and has. I'm working on letting go I truly am but it is the hardest task I've ever taken on.
I've gotten off my direct intent for this post and that is to say do something about your situation today. Look at the truth, take your blame in things and evaluate yourself. Take a good, long hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself do I want to save my marriage. You may think oh he wont leave me or he won't do that to me. Believe me when I say, if it can happen to me, it can happen to anybody! We had an almost fairy tale life and everyone admired our relationship and family. Little did they know how I was slowly torturing my husband. I would like to challenge you to work together, talk to each other, open up. Read the Bible, on the Internet about relationships, get self help books like His needs, Her needs it is an excellent book! It really helped me to understand things. Read about sex on the Internet learn and educate yourself. It's ok to enjoy sex I now realize I am sexual and it's ok to be that way. I also went to a new doctor and got testosterone cream and it is Super! It works for me I truly believe if I had gotten this help sooner it might have saved my marriage. I had my level checked and it was super low. Sometimes I wonder if birth control didn't take away my mojo because I was interested and remember feeling the way I do now before I started on BC. It has worked wonders for me I feel like I haven't (you know in the lady parts) felt this way since I was like 19. You forget what it feels like to have that instant arousal. Before testosterone it was like cranking on an old Ford Model T to get me going. I've mainly tried to share my side to the refusing partner, but to the partner who is being rejected you also need to take a look in the mirror too. It's a 2 way street. Read His Needs, Her needs and help each other to learn what your top 3 to 5 most important needs are and then make it happen before it is to late.
I truly and sincerely hope this helps someone out there not have to go through what my family has gone through. We are still together but still struggling at this time. My husband is having a hard time forgiving me for what I did, or should say, didn't do in our past and has a lot of resentment and anger toward me. I understand I truly do. It messes up a ton of stuff that you have to work through, God willing we'll hang in there and work through it. Please know this I just ba
RRRW 46-50, F 43 Responses 19 Jul 20, 2012