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Sexless By My Choice

She never had a strong sex drive. It got more and more difficult to get her interested. Plus, it's no longer worth the effort for me. I don't feel close to her. Anytime I try to express my feelings about something (the house is dirty, I pay all the bills, she doesn't pick up after herself) she tells me I'm choosing to feel that way. Sure I am, but that response is also a great way to not be responsible for anything. It takes two to make a relationship work. In my opinion a relationship is one in which both partners can be sympathetic and empathetic, even if the other partners feelings are displaced. I've gotten to the point where I don't want to say anything at all. If I have an idea, her response is generally "no, I think instead..." I don't feel like I contribute at all. I feel like my ideas are not worthwhile. Perhaps I do only hear the negative.
vse2008 vse2008 51-55, M 4 Responses Jul 22, 2012

Your Response


If I could reflect on a specific point, it sounds like what your W has, is a toxic pattern called the polarity response. Contrarian, mulish etc. Basically, they hear a request as an order, and have an automatic contrary response (either refusing to do it, or doing the opposite). And that used to apply to requests for sex for me.<br />
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There are language patterns that can scramble this automatic pattern - a pain, but there you have it.<br />
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More generally, if you (understandably) have the feeling that this is not a co-operative marriage, then it's difficult to see the point in it.

FOIA is most likely on the mark. There are two sides to every relationship and I've presented my side. On some level I've enabled this situation.

Your wife sounds like a manipulative mind fuc..k. She barinwashed you into believing that its alll your fault. <br />
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Brother if you work, pay all the bills, etc, and your wife lives a sloth like existence, arround the house and tops it all off by putting you through a sexless marriage well you are not overeacting you have valid reasons to demand change.<br />
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If she wont change its time you took action yourself and laid out some real consequences for her behavour. By this i mean, stop supporting her financially, emotionally, whatever. Dont do any housework for her and start to look after number 1. Relegate her to Roomate Status and tell her so and demand she pays half of everything until such time as she chooses to act like your wife again. This means treating you with some respect, cleaning the house, and yes showing you affection in the bedroom. I took a similiar course of action with my wife who had the same attitude. <br />
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And the one big must call a lawyer and find out how a Divorce will affect you. At least then you will know your rights and what lays ahead should you have enough and leave or said wife doesn't like the new regime installed and pulls the pin.<br />
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Doing what is suggested above will guarantee an ending in sight. Either she will realise her party on your time is over and change or she will have a Vocanic Reaction and leave.<br />
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Either way you are guaranteed an end to your suffering rather than the current situation which is never ending suffering<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

I'll bet that if she was to post her story to ILIASM it would probably have a remarkedly similar ring to it. There is true negotiation and compromise and then there is getting your own way. If you can honestly say to yourself that the relationship is all one-sided, then you might as well torch it and start with SOMETHING more satisfying. I think you know there is not going to be a meeting of minds on this one.