She Says Its All My Fault

We just "celebrated" our 11th anniversary and guess what....NO SEX. I'm tired of it. I'm a decent looking guy. I have other ladies flirt with me every now and then. Why is she so cold too me? What did I do. She won't talk, she just shuts down. If it wash't for our kids (we had to go IVF, even though its possible for her to get pregnant), I'd leave her. Its it wrong for me to desperately want to have an affair.

HelloFromAustin HelloFromAustin
41-45, M
11 Responses Jul 22, 2012

You are not alone my friend. I feel your frustration. In June we had our wedding s<br />
Annaversary... No sex, but at least she said she was sorry that time.

Well, I am and have been a firm believer that if you want an affair you should just leave the relationship. I have 2 children with my wife. We have no intamacy what so ever. I have also been told i was unattractive recently. She says its because i use chewing tobacco, but i have been for like 5 years and we have a near 4 year old and a 4month old. So, i really don't know where all that came from. But i really feel that the one you love is the only one you should make love or have sex with. But unfortunatly i am like most and don't know how to get that all back in the relationship.

Sometimes you just cant get it back no matter what you do. Unless you have suddenly put on many kilos and are obese, smelly, or generally not appealing i would look further into the comment that you are not attractive.

Perhaps she is seeing someone else?? She might not be but it is worth looking into. At the end of the day if she doesn't want to be intimate with you what are you going to do about it? You do have choices available to you.

Stay Strong &amp; Good Luck

Well, i am dieting. I don't think i am obese or anything like that. 6'1" 260, athletic but not toned. I am going to the gym again, trying to run and lift some weights. I know she isn't seeing anyone. So thats not the problem. I handle "buisness" a few times a week to stay somewhat satisfied it is just frustrating.

Hi I'm in the same boat. Been married for 10 years and have children but no sex life and he blames me. I do not think its wrong that you want to have an affair. If everything was perfect you wouldn't be wanting to have one.

No. I dont think it's wrong to want to...but too have one yes! I'm in the same boat as you and want to do the same also. If I did I know that would be wrong and hurtful. Being rejected all the time is hard and depresses me. I want to feel wanted

"she just shuts down"<br />
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Relationship. death.<br />
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"Why is she so cold too me?"<br />
<br />
Forget the whys, we could come up with a million reasons, or in the IVF case some more likely ones. Important thing is, what are you going to do about it.<br />
<br />
There are some excellent threads on having an affair and whether staying for the kids in a dsyfunctional marriage is a good idea or not.<br />
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You could also do with recognising that, whatever you think intellectually, you may not have a choice in what happens, either because you get so desperate that you will do anything to change, or because she comes out with some honesty and says - maybe - she prefers women - or whatever the BS is. And divorces you.<br />
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The reality is that you are at a high risk of divorce, and it makes sense to know what the actual position is (lawyer), and decide what you will do if it happens.

You have a good "out" here.<br />
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Just play along that everything is indeed all your fault, and use that fact as the trigger to collapse the marriage. The "Oh I'm not worthy of you" strategy.<br />
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Have a read of "You Pay Now - The Kids Pay Later" as a reference point to your position of 'staying for the kids'.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Aka George Costanza's "it's not you, it's me" strategy.

How is it your fault? I can't imagine how a man could be so vile that a woman will have his kids via IVF but won't have sex with him. Do you think that makes any sense?

Sure. Imagine a loving wife who wants to bear the seed of her man without first getting impaled by a **** with the girth of a giant sequoia.

well, when you put it like that...but I'm guessin' this guy ain't exactly Paul Bunyan

I winced at this...<br />
<br />
Please, please don't think that staying in an unloving marriage is somehow "good for your children". Children thrive where there is love and they are loved. Stress in a marriage is stress in the whole family. Children are very instinctual creatures, and creating a false air of normalcy in a broken marriage isn't really what you want to teach them, is it...

Welcome to the group. I thought i heard it all here but than i hear your stunning revelation. You paid for IVF even though your wife is capable of getting pregnant. All this so she wont have to sleep with you. Wow talk about the Queen of Refusers. Whats worse is you actually paid for it.<br />
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I would suggest the following. If you support her finacially, emotionally, whatever stop. Read up here, visit a Lawyer, and find out your rights. <br />
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Then think long and hard about forming an exit plan. I feel your pain but cant help to think you have contributed to your own misery with this acceptance of her behavour. <br />
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My wife once said she wants a nose job (even though she doesn't need it.) My reply was do you really think i'm going to pay for a nose job for someone that doesn't sleep with me. <br />
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Get the drift. Start doing the same.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

Had my 26th and no sex, I know how it feels. For us since the IVF is when sex seemed to go. I can understand the angst, rejection and the hold the kids put on you. Hopefully this group helps.

HFA - Welcome to EP and to ILIASM. Keep reading the stories here. You will learn a lot. And please think a bit more carefully about the "staying for the kids" thing. Its something that tons of people say but usually they are really staying for another reason that is not as easily noticed on the surface.