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I Need a Bit of Help and Perspective.

ok, a bit of background for you. i met my man nearly 2.5 years ago. we get on fantastic. and both adore and care intensely about each other. we live 100 miles apart and due to circumstance and this problem we aren't likely to move in any time soon, but see each other every wkend from friday night to sunday evening. at the start of the relationship we was at it like the proverbial bunny! lol we couldn't get enough of each other. i was a bit of a messed up bunny at the start of the relationship and was heavily into dope. he used to joke around quite alot about his size and prowess etc, and it used to make me laugh cos it just ridiculous for him to think that way so i didnt think it was serious. here's where i messed up. i started joking along with him. but he believed what i was saying as truth. i also told him things no boyfriend should ever hear about a girl they loved. in my defence he used to tell me i was a fantastic person and i just felt he had the wrong idea of him and set out to put him straight in the most brutal and honest way possible. i've basically broken him. i came off the dope two years ago but the damage has been done. he doesnt want to be intimate with me. he says he feels like a joke and a disappointment. nothing could be further from the truth. i love having sex with him. full on passionate, lose yourself in the moment sex. but he feels like when i tell him this its just cos i feel bad for making him feel bad and that i'm just saying it to be kind. he has no problem getting me off via oral or hands etc but that makes it worse cos it leaves me almost begging to have him inside me. i'm stuck and dont know what to do. i've made him hate himself for nothing. and i know i'm a horrible person for doing so and i'll never forgive myself for doing it, but i cant make him see how sorry i am and that i didnt mean it. everytime we're in bed and he touches me its all i can do to stop myself jumping him. i feel like i should respect his decision to not have actual full sex. but then i think am i making it worse by pretending to just be happy with the oral et al and therefore re-enforcing his belief that i dont really want him? we do have full sex about every 6/8 weeks, but it makes me feel bad cos after i realise i just had a pity ****. he says he does enjoy it and wants to but stops himself cos of how it makes him feel afterwards. he says he feels stupid and a joke for about a week afterwards.  (i'm sorry if i'm ******* you off cos i realise i get more than what alot of you guys get from reading some of the stories) but i figure you guys and gals are the best people to talk to about it.

i wanna respect how he feels about sex and not force him, but its hard when it's for a reason that has no substance or truth to it. we cant even talk about it cos he again thinks i'm just giving him reassurances to be nice!!! it also makes him feel an idiot when we do talk about it cos he says it just makes him think about how he feels and cant get past feeling stupid. even me returning the favour of using my hand or mouth on him has the same reaction. he just thinks i'm disappointed with him. can anyone help me?! i know i've brought his on myself and i've made my own bed but i love this man and it breaks my heart to know what i've done to him and i just want to make it right and get back to being intimate again.

bishbashbosh bishbashbosh 26-30, F 8 Responses Jun 18, 2008

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thank you all. he does say its his problem, but i feel like i should help rectify it since i caused it. i've said it all to him. all he says is i never said anything that wasnt true and wont listen any further! grr! bloody men! lol seriously tho, thank you for your input.

I would tell him what you told us: I had my own issues back then, and I've fixed them, but I wasn't very good to you and I'm sorry. I should have never said what I said, it was wrong and I'm sorry. If you tore him down (which I don't think you did by yourself-think he owns some of it too), then you (and he) can build him back up. Good luck.

no, sounds like the problem is his and until he wants to change his attitude there will not be much you can do about it....you can't change it for him.....

he says whats done is done and we now just have to deal with the consequences. but i guess the problem must be with me cos i just cant accept that. if i actually was disappointed with him then fine, but i'm not and its coming between us if you know wot i mean? i know he loves me, and i know he wants me. and we've split up over this before but we always get back together. he does wanna restore it but at the same time he dont want to risk getting hurt.

does he want to restore what you had?

o i learnt my lesson! i just figured that if he was joking about it then he was secure in himself. yeah i know, could i be any stupider?! lol i've done the jumping thing the telling him i need him right now etc, but the problem comes immediately after. he just feels stupid even tho i'm next to him with a massive goofy grin and flushed all over and he ******* KNOWS he gets me off. i just dont get how i can restore what we had.

sorry - honestly - i would say start jumping him when you get the urge....let him know how horny he makes you feel, take control and tell him what you want, how, and when....maybe he likes being submissive like that????

wow - i think that if my wife had this problem with me that i wish she would just slap me across the face and say - '**** me now' and then jump me. But then that's me.<br />
Jokes on this subject, no matter how they are intended, lay seeds of discontent deep in our psyche. That's why guys can not even think about joking about their wives physique - and even have to lie about it. You know: "honey, do i look fat?" or "am i still sexy to you?" Yes you are to me sweetheart - just don't go asking too many other guys. You get the point? so joking about a guy's 'manhood' and sexual prowess is devasting to our ego.....never joke along with us and lie through your teeth (unless you don't want to see him anymore)......