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Whats The Point

Have been marries for 11 yearswe met in high school and have 4 children. About 8 years ago things started to die in the bedroom. We have little bursts about once a month or every couple of months where sex is present for maybe a day or two. But usually its all me cuddling her and giving back rubs that lead to "no". I have expressed anger I have expressed pain and tried to help her understand why I hurt sooo much that I'm alone in my lust for my partner (more like platonic friend usually). She says she just doesn't have a desire and has even said sometimes she just too lazy (wtf). Its gotten to the point where I'm turned down before I can even try to get her in the mood. I don't want to cheat but I feel that if another woman even for one moment makes me feel desired I won't be able to stop myself. I could understand not being able to get in the mood but not even allowing me to try hurts the worst. The little moments when we do have sex make it worse and just reminds me of how good things can be. I'm drinking more and working extra hours just to distract myself. The moments I am still all I feel is depression and its gotten to the point if the kids weren't so important to me I feel I would just end it all rather then feel like this. I don't know what I expect to gain from saying any of this but just needed to say it for the first time.
alone3082 alone3082 26-30, M 10 Responses Jul 23, 2012

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I have been going through this for to long. I'm not leaving, I have two incredible kids that need me. But I'm giving up. I cook, I clean, I work, I try. Ive written love notes, done date night, lunch once a week, played with her hair, back rubs, and everything in between. I m tired and ready to give up. She says she loves me but just doesn't like sex anymore. This does not commute. Can't have one without the other. <br />
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And it's always the man who isn't doing something for the woman to be in the mood. Rubbish. Husband and wife and man and woman and friends and lovers. That is part of loving someone. You don't always have to like each other all the time, but if the touch of your spouse doesn't give you tingles or a deep kiss cannot take your breathe away then what are you. BFFs or roommates. I shouldn't have to be anything other than myself for my spouse be into me. But leave your socks on the floor once and no sex. Or you have been a good boy so I'll let you today. Something seems very much wrong with that. I've just had enough of thinking that things can change, that she wants them to change. I guess she is happy. I would be happy to if I didn't have to do anything at all and I had money a family and could sleep for ever. <br />
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I just re-read this and I guess the resentment in my sexless marriage is high today.

Hi. My relationship is similar, yet different. My man has given up trying. With a new child we're opposites in terms of when we have energy / feel in the mood. But he just gave up right away. Doesn't even try to get me in the mood...ends up being all in my court and that doesn't work for me. Anyway. For you I suspect that it's a control thing. Are u being cool the rest of the time? Helping around the house? Taking care of things (esp children) so she can have some time to do her own thing, relax, have a girl's night, etc? Sometimes it's a matter of just being damn tired so try to help her not be so tired (ex. make kids breakfast so she can sleep in). Find that really helps. Then I'd suggest let her know ur available ;) but tease her with the idea, all about subtlety (ex. sleep naked with covers off (best if warm evening) and make sure lights low...that sort of thing). If she responds don't pounce but slowly respond and bring her round. Don't let the 1/mth turn into longer...my man and I haven't slept together in 4+ mths now...but who's counting. Anyway, some thoughts in response. Hope works.

So very sorry to read this. GOD as always is clear in HIS WORD and in the HOLY SPIRIT. Don't lean on alcohol work or be sad. Trust GOD. GODS way is the only way. Prayer and calling out to our LORD. Plenty of rest and healthy eating. Praying and fasting. Your life is in JESUS and then in Your Wife period we don't see the future and the enemy is trying to steal Your marriege. Please it can be like torture sometimes to do HIS will but do it there is a very evil road out there stay on the path don't curse Yourself by giving up.

This is about sexless marriages and real problems between real people, can somebody shut this fooker up?

Wow I think you just told my story. I'm stuck because I love my boys. I do not understand how you Love someone and do not want to be affectionate or intamate. What is the point of being married. Now I feel even more like a meal ticket and a Sap. <br />
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Mine says its meds and chronic fatigue that take away her libido. What I would give for that feeling that someone desires me. I hear you loud and clear brother. I hear this crap all the time and it's always the woman doesn't want sex anymore. WTF

not necessarily "always the woman"...

Oh man :( poor u . Your not alone don't worry ^_^ . Always happen like that in life . Look like ur wife doesn't like something about u (dunno what is it ) . Just take ur sometime to talk to her very patiently . After that thing will be ok . ^_^ ur not alone nor don't be depress about that . Talk to me ... Lol .

Call a divorce lawyer. <br />
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She does not love you and probably never did.

You are not alone. that is the first thing you need to understand. There is a lot of people here who have gone through and are still going through the same things you described. Read our stories to get different perspectives. Decide what you want to do - save the relationship or move on . If you can - have a serious discussion with your partner - honestly , sincerely with no accusations, threats or anger. I KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS<br />
and the sooner you face this and deal wih it the happier you will be - I know because i have been there. Be strong - there is a solution- you just have to find the one that works for you.

For some reason, she does not like or want sexual intimacy with you. She probably is not attracted to you at all and that's why she won't let you try to get her in the mood. Doing so would only aggravate and irritate her. I'd say stop asking her. Stop trying to get her to do things to get herself horny. Leave her alone for a while and see if SHE makes any attempt. If she does not, you probably need to think very hard about your near future with this marriage.

I tried this experiment, and waited for nearly a year. The scars of resentment still hang with me. If there is any remaining possibility of saving your marriage, you'll want to think long and hard before using this test.

Thanks for your advice any time I have tried to express this to her I'm accused of trying to guilt her into bed . And that she can't help it. She started trying libido supplement but somehow magically thinks she should just be in the mood without even trying to get there. I'm going to try a couple of books with her if she will even be open to it to work together on us. But if she can't even do that tonight I have already packed a bag to leave for a few days. But thank you for your feedback

Her problem may be medical. Is she nursing? On birth control pills or anti-depressants? Could she be depressed? It's worth looking into if you haven't already.

She's on birth control . Has been diagnosed with depression but family doctor not psychiatric doctor. She refuses to take Wellbutrin .

-----"I don't want to cheat but I feel that if another woman even for one moment makes me feel desired I won't be able to stop myself."<br />
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Of course you are going to feel this way. Marriage must be intimately consummated and reconsummated on a daily basis. BOTH partners (unless mutually agreed upon) have to engage in daily pair bonding behaviors in order for the spousal intimacy to survive and thrive.<br />
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The envrionment in your marriage is not conducive to long term success and has set BOTH of you up to fail.<br />
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I recommend you tell her exactly what you wrote.<br />
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She needs to know, with brutual honestly, what the truth is here and it is this:<br />
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You are going to fall out of love with her (it is happening right now) if the lack of intimacy continues.

Heed mvc's comment. And note, it is entirely likely that at the emotional level, you HAVE ALREADY fallen out of love with her, though your head is yet to catch up with this fact.
The compulsion to seek out groups like this, and to post, is the worst possible indicator of the state of your union.
Tread your own path.

Yes and yes again! Tell her the truth and keep telling the truth. She will either come to the party or she won't. Then you will know for sure and be able to make a move out of the marriage if she doesn't pick up her end of the deal.

She has agreed to read care and feeding of a happy marriage with me and while its a small step its still a step in the right direction. Its just soo difficult all the love and friendship is still there but none of the passion she used to have I feel like I'm back in the friend zone where I was 14 years ago . Hopefully things will improve as we communicate more even if it is the same old story again and again

"Marriage must be intimately consummated and reconsummated on a daily basis. BOTH partners (unless mutually agreed upon) have to engage in daily pair bonding behaviors in order for the spousal intimacy to survive and thrive."
Amen sister.

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