The Ultimate Betrayal....

Hello friends...I wrote a few days ago about my daughter and mom coming for a visit. I'm too tired, hurt and destroyed to make this a long drawn out post but ive been thinking about all of you and how we all want that questioned answered. The WHY question. Well I got my answer. My 23 year old beautiful girl has confessed to me that my husband had molested her at age 11. As soon as she said the words all the pieces fell into place.
I have filed for divorce and he has been confronted. He is remorseful and complacent. I have been a stay at home mom for nearly all of our 14 years of marriage. I'm staying in the house for now with our 13 yr old son. My attorney is filing all the paper work now for child support, alimony, and for him to continue to pay the household bills until the divorce is final. An incident report was filed with the police and there is the possibility of criminal charges being filed.
I sincerely hope none of you find this to be the reason for your sexless marriage. I was totally blindsided by this. You can truly never REALLY know someone can you?......
Note: my daughter is and has been in therapy.
jaimie42 jaimie42
46-50, F
25 Responses Jul 23, 2012

Sending you and your daughter my warmest wishes for your future well being. {{{hugs}}}

Stay strong. My prayers are with you and your kids.

jaimie42, my grandmother was in a somewhat similar situation... After 48 years of marriage she found out that her husband had been molesting family members... A lot of people actually knew, but kept quiet. I guess it's a generational thing... He was never convicted (or even arrested), but we don't see him anymore.

jaimie42, I can only imagine that your swift action in kicking this b**st**d to the curb is a magnificent strength for your daughter. She worked up the courage to tell you, and you have responded quickly on her behalf and yours. As awful as this situation is, you are showing her that she can take control of her circumstances. I don't know you at all, but I'm terribly proud of you!

So last night was awful, today was better and I feel pretty calm tonight. I'm looking forward to the divorce and making plans for the future. I have options!!!! This makes me feel so happy and free! I have felt powerless and option-less for wayyyy too long. I have a great support system which includes you guys, a fabulous attorney and his assistant is a long time friend of mine. I'm in good hands :) I hope you folks don't mind if I continue to post and take you with me on my journey of healing? Maybe it will inspire and give some of you hope for your future. :)

@ulae..good question. I think guilt but I've spent the last few years agonizing and blaming myself for the sm. I no longer give a $hit what the reason is. My daughter set me free from having to wonder.<br />
I'll leave the psychology of it to the experts.

I think that is a very healthy way of looking at it. This "why" was / is a hugely important - but stand alone - issue, requiring appropriate handling in its' own right.
Ending the dysfunctional marriage was / is another stand alone issue. You've done very well with the dysfunctional marriage matter.
No reason why you should not handle your part in the other matter well too.

Saving oneself from torment is paramount, but humans are natural troubleshooters. Diagnosis is important too, no one really escapes that.

Twelve years ago, your husband molested your 11y old daughter. Ok, he is a scumbag. But I wonder what is the psychological cause-effect pathways that then led to your SM. He was remorseful? Too guilty to eye you? Prefers younger women? I don't understand the mechanism here.

Well done for reacting so quickly and supportively to what your daughter told you. Good luck with what follows, I admire your strength

OMG!!!! I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through. I wish I had some great comforting words but this is something one can't imagine dealing with unless they have themselves. I am however wishing you the best. Also the best for his victim. There are resources out there for her to take advantage of. Maybe a google search in your area.<br />
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Best Wishes<br />

Thats awful,hope you and your daughter are doing fine.

How awful. My heart goes out to you. <br />
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"An incident report was filed with the police and there is the possibility of criminal charges being filed." - good. He must be kept away from other potential victims.

I love you all! I logged in to find all these heart warming posts.(except for the flagged one-dumba$$) Thank you. It means more than you know. My family and what few friends I have ( he alienated everyone) are rallying around me and providing much needed support both emotionally and financially. I will not let this define me. I will not be his victim. Taking things one day at a time right now. I'm supposed to go sign some papers later today at the attorneys office and I will keep everyone posted.

One of the most hidious crimes ever, this man must pay, make sure he does time for his repulsive acts! My heart goes out to your daughter, she needs you to be strong now. May her wounds heal in time.

Holy crap. If someone did that to my daughter they'd be a dead man.

Seconded. Every (sane) parent's ultimate nightmare.

Thirded. No excuse. He's a dirtbag. Get out asap!

You are doing all the right things. You are so very strong, but dont forget oto lean on trusted friends or family in your time of need, so you can stay strong for your precious daughter.<br />
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We are all here for you, anytime.<br />
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hugs to you

I could offer my sympathies like everyone else. I could say take it out of his hide in revenge; it would be justifiable after all. However, I am going to make one simple request instead. PLEASE make it your determination that you will get beyond this psychologically and emotionally whole. Let him not have that influence on you beyond the finality of divorce. Let it be as if he was a bad but passing experience, soon to be forgotten. That would be the sweetest revenge of all.<br />
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I know it cannot be easy but I would detest the notion that you continue to be his victim. And now that you know your daughter's secret, do what you can, what is appropriate, to help her too, so that she too can thrive in her personal life. You can't not be defined in some form by your knowledge or experience, either of you, but do not let it define you, either of you. That would be his ultimate 'triumph' and he should not have that satisfaction.

I don't know what to say. I can't imagine. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry for you and for you daughter and for your other child (ren). I wish you all strength and kindness to each other.

I had a friend who was raped by her Dad when she was 10. My prayers go out to you and your daughter.

Show no mercy when dealing with this individual. Instruct your lawyers to bleed every penny you are entitled too from here.<br />
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This is a tragic situation. As a father myself of two daughters we are there to protect them, not take advantage of them. This is the Ultimate Betrayal. <br />
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I hope you find the strength to carry on and prosecute this monster to the full extent of the law.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

Omg! And I think my situation is repulsive! Bless you and your family. You're inu prayers.

Wish I knew what to say. My heart is breaking for you. I don't think there is much in the way of a family dynamic that could be more gut-wrenching than knowing your child has been hurt like this...and that you've been so damaged as well.

Thank you all for the kind words, especially you Bazz. I've learned like many others here that you are wise. I know that I will be ok but at this moment I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces. I'm trying to stay strong for my kids but it's hard....very very hard. I do my crying at night, alone, so no one can hear. The pain of this is close to unbearable.

my heart just stopped.

This is a good call, as a stand alone issue. Whether the "why" had been discovered, or whether it had not. It was / is a dysfunctional situation that needed / needs to end.<br />
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Of course the "why" here is also tremendously important - again as a stand alone issue. You are going to deal with all this waaay better without MrToxic in your immediate orbit. And I daresay that in the fallout from this revelation there is going to be plenty of work to do.<br />
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Stand tall. You are on your way.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Damn. I am so sorry. :(