Anyone Out There Know What I Am Talking About

i am new to this page. i have been in a sexless marriage for at least seven years. i have tried everything to get my spouse to understand the hurt, anger, depression and resentment it causes. She is unwilling to do anything to try to make it better. We have sex about 7 times a year, and it is never good, always a chore, and never feels loving. now, with two kids, everything is falling apart. i finally realized just how unhappy i am. When i discussed it with her recently, she did the usual, and blamed me. The response is always, 'if you treated me better..., or " i am just not interested... or " sex isn't everything. I am at the end of my rope, and suggested counseling, but she is not interested. i find that this site and other research i did makes me feel like i am not alone, but doesn't give me much hope. i am middle aged, and still feel like a 20 year old when it comes to sex. i have tried to let me spouse now how important the intimacy is to me by literally telling her how much i **********, and showing her a **** video collection, almost to embarass her into doing something to help, but nothing works. She knows it is a problem, but seems content to do nothing. I have dreams that she is cheating on me, and wake up crying. She knows all of this, and still does nothing. I will never cheat, so for me, if i can't get help with this marriage, i will have to get a divorce, which i don't want to do, but this situation also affects the kids, as my wife and i are constantly at each other. i resent her lack of intimacy. she nags me. i don't know what to do, so would love to hear from others.
stillinlove stillinlove
36-40, M
12 Responses Apr 27, 2007

I have stopped having sex with my husband as a last resort and because I don't want it due to his extreme neglect. I am completely objectified by him. He is completely selfish and wrapped up in only himself. There's only one person in the marriage, and it's him. Ther is no connection and no intimacy. What is your opinion on this?

Yes i know all if those feelings iv been with a sexually incompetent woman for 2 years and i never thought it would affect me this bad. And im not strong enough to walk away.. i feel worthless and most of the time i have to force myself to be around her.. seeing that your stuggling with this still after a long relationship motivates me to do what i need to do. Walk away. I want a happy loving sexual relationship and thats not what is going to happen with this person.

Unless both parties acknowledge the problem is real and a 'show stopper' for a healthy marriage and are willing to work towards addressing it you need to leave. I tried for several years and came to the understanding that this type of issue in a marriage cannot be 'solved' by one party or the other. In your case she seems to have zero interest in working towards a solution. The situation fits her needs and she doesn't give a damn that it doesn't fit yours. Hate to be blunt about it. Wish there was a happier answer, but brother you need to leave.

breaks my heart to read these stories. i have been married for 27yrs and for most of them i have never truly felt wanted for who i am. and the sex has always been the secondary part. it was never the mind blowing sex some people talk about but it was good.now my husband can't have sex because of medications he's taking for cancer. but instead of letting me know he still loves me by holding my hand or touching me he turns totally away as usual. i won't leave because of his illness and because i do truly love him, but i have and will continue to seek that kindness somewhere else. even if it means a one night stand.

Your story sounds so much like mine, I could have written this blindfolded. I have resolved that my wife will never get what I mean by desiring her. I have had all of the conversations, done counseling, begged for it pleaded for it and as of today, I am like "**** it." she doesn't want to have sex with me so I am wasting my time. I will not cheat and I will not divorce, but neither will I pursue her anymore, which is sure to be a marriage killer. I do not have the energy anymore. I was married once before and the same thing happened and judging from the sheer number of stories on this thread alone, not to mention the threads on "Refusers" I fell this is a losing battle, so I quit.

I agree with you 100% lorblue. There are also 2 sides to every story. Sometimes what appears to be mistreatment of one spouse to another (in this case lack of sex) is just not that cut and dry. Children, hormones, busy lives, age etc. can all play a role as to why a couple just aren`t as intimate witih each other as in the beginning. People fall into traps too. What was exciting in the beginning just doesn`t always work later on. Women in general take longer to get aroused than a man. In the beginning of a relationship a man may have to do little foreplay to get satisfying sex....but add years onto that and with all the extra responsiblilty, simply grabbing her breasts and thinking they will get down so to speak isn`t always enough....if you understand what I mean. In the story above the guy says that his wife tells him...ìf you treated me better` ..this is very telling. What does he do that maybe turning her off...maybe she has the burden of looking after their 2 kids and home mostly by herself. and feels overwhelmed...or perhaps he does not take the time to romance her like in the beginning and this doesn`t make her feel so loving towards him anymore...I don`t know that these are the case..but as i said there could be reasons stillinlove hasn`t even considered and this is something to work on.

Actually not really. Almost without exception one spouse is the 'refuser' and that doesn't just mean refusing to have sex. There is no physical or emotional intimacy and the 'refuser' spouse just doesn't give a damn that it literally is destroying the other spouse. There is no 'other side' to that story that is a plausible reason for that treatment or behavior.

Wow, it is eye-opening to see how the other side sees things. Going to Stillinlove's original post - you comment that when you bring up this problem to her that she blames you for not treating her better. I am in your wife's place and this is how I would like my husband to deal with the issue. (You can read my post to see my story if you want).<br />
I would like to be treated with respect, like when we were first dating - watch your tongue when you talk to her - try to impress instead of blame, compliment instead of criticize. Don't think that all displays of affection will be met with rejection, but do not go into it thinking you will get sex in return. Let me clarify this a little bit. I am a trained massage therapist and I know that human beings NEED human touch. That doesn't always translate to sexual touch. Let her know that you still love her by giving her a backrub, or a foot massage. Sit next to her on the couch and hold her hand, or stroke her hair, but do it without the expectation of sex. Let her respond to your kind and loving touch in her own way without pressure. Deal with your desire the way you would have done early on in your relationship, when touching meant that you WOULD be frustrated for a while. And, gentlemen, understand that this may not be a quick fix, and if your partner rejects even these advances, if you are doing it for her instead of for what you may get out of it, she may come around. <br />
In my opinion, we need to understand that the act of sex, and sexual desire and response is not necessarily the only way we can show our love. If you were unable to perform for your wife, would you not still want her to love you? If your wife were seriously ill, would you still expect her to be sexual for you?<br />
I do believe that in many if not most cases there are underlying problems in the relationships where sex is infrequent or non-existent, and unless those issues are dealt with, the sexual part won't be resolved, either

....and by doing this you setup the vicious circle, even if only subconsciously, that refusing intimacy is an effective way to change your spouse's behavior more to your liking. Dangerous and unhealthy quite honestly. No disrespect but far too many 'refusers' try this same argument... 'treat her better'... 'treat her with respect'... you do realize the 'treatment' got worse BECAUSE of the refusing physical and emotional intimacy and the lack of respect is because the 'refused' DON'T respect a 'refuser'. Respect is not 'given' it is earned.

I understand what u are saying and its strange that my partner was a massage therapist as well. Now im a girl. Im with a girl so i know how to treat a woman. I find joy in pampering her and complementing. And all those things but its the same. She doesn't think its a issue when it clearly is and i asked her if we can be good friends because im not happy in this and she threatened to not speak to me t all so i said forget it.. honestly i love her but you cant hold back in a full blown relationship its pointless physical touch is nothing compared to the connection sex and intimacy make between two lover. Although she has given meamazing messages

And its kinda like manipulation to expect people to treat u better in order for them to have sex. If they were really treating u wrong wouldn't it make more since to leave. Because when sombody thats inlove with doesn't desire you its torture and confusion and feelings of worthlessness. Thats not fair.

Welcome to the (apparently) growing club. I know exactly how you feel as I've been in the same situation -- for twice as long as you. Some will say I'm crazy for staying in the relationship, but I love and respect my wife, so her lack of interest in sex is something I've learned to deal with. I won't deny there is still resentment, pain and anger though. If you want to stay married, then you have limited options, counseling, an affair, prostitutes, or simply developing a fantasy sex life as a substitute. Counseling only works if both parties are willing to make the effort, and the next two have big downsides. I decided the best way to deal with it was to create an alternate, mental outlet for my urges. I hope you can work things out and move ahead in your life.

Sorry to hear of your problems, i have been there and unfortunately we did have to divorce. Since she is now taking steps that is WONDERFUL!! Perhaps aske her to read my story nic name AlwaysRemember. Good Luck, i hope with all my heart the 2 of you can work this out, the alternative is hard but is also a sad reality.

kent01:<br />
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thanks. i was thinking that letting her pick would be a good idea. I already asked her to go on the internet and look around herself about the problem, and how grave it can be. she really can't get her head around the fact that all of the problems stem from the lack of intimacy. I cannot be the best husband i can be because i feel so rejected and ignored that i don't feel like giving anything back to her. Having said that, it is only recently that i have been like this. For years i tried my hardest to "ignore the problem"

Thanks all, i appreciate your thoughts. Kent01 seems to have the most similar situation. My wife won't go to a counselor right now. I have made progress in that she now knows that it isn't just about the act of sex, it is about how you feel, personal fulfillment, and happiness. My resentment of her lack of trying to get help for many years has led to a very strained relationship. How did you work out getting your wife to agree to therapy? Any thoughts on what kind of therapist to go to?

First make sure that honesty, is on the table nothing drives you crazier than lying in therapy. Determine if you need a sex therapist or marriage counselor or psychologist. Take care of yourself, some of these posts make you second guess yourself only you can determine who the victim is in your relationship. Abusive people reek havoc on your heart, God bless

Dude - welcome to the club. Unfortunately no two situations are the same. May I recommend getting rid of the **** and trying to control your self satisfaying urges, especially if she does not view it the same way you do. communication is the best answer - listen to her, try to understand her needs and help with them. You've been like this for 7 years, the resolution isn't going to happen overnight - work at it slowly, lovingly and I hope that you can eventually work it out with her. I can go on - how much do you want to hear?

Again... somehow it always seems that the 'refused' is the one who needs to change things and 'go the extra mile'. Sorry that creates a nasty negative feedback scenario where 'she' (vastly gender biased problem with female 'refusers') comes to believe that now all she has to do is refuse intimacy and she will get whatever she wants and you will change who you are in whatever way will please her. Seriously unhealthy relationship.