Manipulating A Positive Experience

Healing from sexless marriage has been strange. I've spent much time theorizing. That was useful. However, now that I seem to be out of crisis mode, I'm finding that the daily course of my experiences seem to have a giant impact on my healing. The first step I'm taking is to learn to validate myself, and not give into self criticism. This is not easy. I've been writing my statement of purpose essay to get into grad school. Feeling like I've done everything wrong for a long time makes it rather difficult to write. Every time I write a new sentence, I back track, and question how it will look. I ask myself "what do they want to hear?" and all my typical people pleasing stuff. Always wondering if I will look stupid, etc...

But it still makes me feel good to be taking these steps.

Last night I hung out with a friend and his wife, and it was really cool, because I could tell she liked me, and that was really affirming. I felt I could be myself, my own, true self, not this damaged feeling oaf that I've been actin like for the last six months. That feeling was fantastic. I didn't have to talk about past pain, I didn't have to be anything but my actual self.

That felt really, really good.

Part of it was realizing that healing your pain means being able to function normally, instead of always feeling wronged. In this sense, I feel like my self is healing, in that I didn't have to distract myself from pain. I simply had to let the pain go, and stop giving it the entirety of my voice.

And so I feel one step closer to being whole again. I'm certainly going to be seeking out more experiences like this, where I don't feel like I have to explain myself, or make excuses for myself. I no longer feel like I want anybody to feel sorry for me. Hell, I don't feel sorry for me. I'm not broken, and I'm not even down for the count.

While time seems to be the main factor here, I can't help but think that the way I choose to spend my time is very important right now. While talking about my sexless marriage has been healing, I feel that, at some point, I may be beating a dead horse! I'm not even married, and I will probably never hear from my ex again. I think, it is time to let it go.

Yes there will still be pain to sit with. But I need to look at it this way: I dodged a bullet. It may have cost me my career, but what would having that career amount to if I let her pull that trigger into my head every day? It's time to start looking at the situation honestly: sexless marriage messes with your head to such a degree that you don't even see the golden opportunities when they come up.

Time to wake up, and smell the wonderful, beautiful flowers that life has to offer.
FilteringMachine FilteringMachine
31-35, M
8 Responses Jul 29, 2012

You've experienced a great deal of pain and now you're coming out of it a happier, more complete human being.<br />

Yep! Now if I can just get my own roof...!

I am soooo smiling!<br />
Thanks for writing down not only<br />
where you are now, <br />
but including some of the process <br />
you went thru to get<br /> this moment<br />
now....goood place<br />
joyinthejourney, clg

"This is not easy" (rather than - this is impossible)<br />
"I may be beating a dead horse" (rather than - this is hopeless)<br />
<br />
These, and other assorted lines in your story indicate a retreat from you absolute positions of recent times.<br />
<br />
And the word "feel" - or derivitive therefrom (where you are examining your thinking) occurs no less than 13 times in your post.<br />
<br />
Stand up and take a bow brother F. If you have not yet "turned the corner", you are so close to having done so it doesn't matter.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

i appreciate your thoughts
joyinthejourney, clg

:) Nicely put - I can relate to a lot of what you've put, reading the positive steps people are taking and that they are working is really great. Thanks for sharing, and all the best to you!

A lot of guys that I know define themselves by their career. When you're unemployed, it feels like you are nobody. But I've been in a line of work where unemployment has happened many times. When transition happens, I feel like s**t. But somehow, things end up working out and I find myself in a better place. The same story has played out with many of my friends. <br />
<br />
Now, I no longer fear the transitions. They are the uncertain period before something good happens in your life.<br />
<br />
It sounds like you are in the middle of a transition. I have every hope that you find your way through and end up in a better place. The light at the end of the tunnel can't be far away.<br />
<br />
Good luck with your journey. Stay positive.

I like the way you put this, resonates. Thanks :)

You are getting better and better!! My therapy group leader taught me a very useful question to pose to myself when the doubts and feelings of inadequacy flooded in.<br />
"What (or where) is the evidence for that?"<br />
<br />
If you feel yourself dragged into the "old" spiral, ask yourself this question. If you answer it honestly, you will find there is very LITTLE (if any!) evidence to confirm that you are "................." (negative feelings of your choice)!<br />
<br />
You DID dodge a bullet - and in doing so you unexpectedly opened your life to AMAZING opportunities that would never have been there for you if you had stayed married . . . <br />
<br />

Brilliant. My marriage is not sexless, but almost... I feel neglected 95% of the time, and much of that makes me feel unattractive to my partner (who says it's not tue, but who is he trying to kid) I feel like a roommate who just happens to wash his clothes. Many of our fights begin because I am so bent by not having a release with the person I love the most, and so after a while I blow up, and a fight ensues. I've never been in a relationship like this before. I'm used to my previous boyfriends coming onto me every night or at least 6 times a week. This is marriage (total relationship = 4 yrs) has been a shock for me. Its hurtful and confusing. I know 100% that he isn't having an affair, but it hurts nonetheless... I consider leaving all the time, but I do love him. I just know that I deserve passion- and he deserves to be with a person who is like him regarding sex; he could take it or leave it... Me? I'll take it, yes please!!

Sometimes you need to break things to be able to make them better. There will be pain whichever way you go. Whether it's the pain of another straw being added to your back each day by the situation you are in or it is the pain of pulling apart what you have and starting afresh with the raw feelings that will cause. Honestly, are either of you happy right now?

He is happy. He has a low testosterone. (Diagnosed YEARS ago. We tried hormone therapy, but he lost his job and with it the insurance that we used to purchase it.) I have to ask (okay, beg) for sex. But it's often that he's too tired or I get the "tomorrow". Tomorrow turns into next week. Honestly, I don't know how I get the strength to continue. While I love him, I am a human with love and passion, and I am on the backburner. Not the dishes, not the cable bill, not watering the lawn... me. Getting the guts up to leave him... but IRONICALLY, I'm pregnant... Go figure...

***The longest I've not been with him has been 3 1/2 months. I don't want that to turn into years, and end up being 45 with 3 kids getting divorced from a marriage that for the past 15 years has been lonely. I just turned 32 on the 27th. "What do you want for your birthday, my love?" I answer "sex". Nah, that didn't happen... Or the next night either... **sigh**

Rated up my friend.