Manipulating A Positive ExperienceHealing from sexless marriage has been strange. I've spent much time theorizing. That was useful. However, now that I seem to be out of crisis mode, I'm finding that the daily course of my experiences seem to have a giant impact on my healing. The first step I'm taking is to learn to validate myself, and not give into self criticism. This is not easy. I've been writing my statement of purpose essay to get into grad school. Feeling like I've done everything wrong for a long time makes it rather difficult to write. Every time I write a new sentence, I back track, and question how it will look. I ask myself "what do they want to hear?" and all my typical people pleasing stuff. Always wondering if I will look stupid, etc...
But it still makes me feel good to be taking these steps.
Last night I hung out with a friend and his wife, and it was really cool, because I could tell she liked me, and that was really affirming. I felt I could be myself, my own, true self, not this damaged feeling oaf that I've been actin like for the last six months. That feeling was fantastic. I didn't have to talk about past pain, I didn't have to be anything but my actual self.
That felt really, really good.
Part of it was realizing that healing your pain means being able to function normally, instead of always feeling wronged. In this sense, I feel like my self is healing, in that I didn't have to distract myself from pain. I simply had to let the pain go, and stop giving it the entirety of my voice.
And so I feel one step closer to being whole again. I'm certainly going to be seeking out more experiences like this, where I don't feel like I have to explain myself, or make excuses for myself. I no longer feel like I want anybody to feel sorry for me. Hell, I don't feel sorry for me. I'm not broken, and I'm not even down for the count.
While time seems to be the main factor here, I can't help but think that the way I choose to spend my time is very important right now. While talking about my sexless marriage has been healing, I feel that, at some point, I may be beating a dead horse! I'm not even married, and I will probably never hear from my ex again. I think, it is time to let it go.
Yes there will still be pain to sit with. But I need to look at it this way: I dodged a bullet. It may have cost me my career, but what would having that career amount to if I let her pull that trigger into my head every day? It's time to start looking at the situation honestly: sexless marriage messes with your head to such a degree that you don't even see the golden opportunities when they come up.
Time to wake up, and smell the wonderful, beautiful flowers that life has to offer.