New TerritoryWell, there have been a few new developments for ol Dante this past week. After 25 years in a marriage with mostly bad sex, and 4 years of absolutely loathesome sexlessness, I am embarking on a new road that I have never travelled before. I have worked hard to be "faithful" and to honor my wedding vows and have never sought comfort in the arms of another woman despite the burning hell that is sexless marriage.
So many people have said that the "why" does not matter, but the mere existence of a sexless marriage is all we need to understand in order to act. That has never been the situation with me. I have always tried to understand the why, although it is not always something we can understand.
I now understand why I am in a sexless marriage. I am married to an asexual woman. Yes, skeptics, she is an asexual, no question. It was upon this revelation that I began to understand the why, and what I needed to do. The bottom line for me is that I do indeed love my wife. She is a good wife, excellent mother to our children, a brilliant, wonderful, professional person, who happens to have zero libido. I, however, have plenty of libido. We are a good fit everywhere but in bed.
Several times lately I have mentioned to her that I have been considering "outsourcing" my needs. I have considered escorts (yes, I know, a bad idea), and have been pondering having an affair (yes, I have read the brilliant piece about oursourcing your needs) for some time now, although I have not had any prospective partners waiting in the wings. Nor have I been willing to act in a manner that would destroy the life we have built together.
I finally had a talk with my wife this past week. Not "the talk", there is nothing new to be said there, and nothing to be gained by going over it yet again. This time I told her how much I love her, and how I am committed to staying in our marriage for the long haul. I told her that I now understand the why regarding our SM, that she is an asexual, and that I am not. That we are simply sexually mismatched,and that I am not going to try to change her, and that I don't want to constantly be angry at her over this issue. I told her that I need to have my needs met, and that I knew she disliked sex, and that it was awful to me to see how much she disliked that which I like and need so much. I explained that I needed to fulfill those needs outside of our marriage, and that while I would rather not do that, I was no longer willing to go without the passion that is so much part of our human existence. She shed a few tears, and told me that she felt she had failed me. I told her it was no longer time for blame. She understood the why as well, and told me to do what I needed to do.
I have met an amazing woman who is in the same situation as I am, and wants the same things. We plan on meeting very soon, and sharing one of the greatest joys our humanity has to offer. We are going into this understanding the risks, but committed to doing this right. I feel I can go into these uncharted waters with a clear conscience, knowing I have done all I can do at home, including being extremely honest and above board with my wife.
To be continued...