'i Gave You The Best Years Of My Life!'

These words still ring in my ears. It has been 7 yrs since the divorce.She was so freaking mad. I really thought she would have shot me if she had a gun available.

So why would I leave such a sweet charming woman?

It all started with her becoming a refuser. At first it was polite. "I am so tired tonight, let's wait till the weekend!"
Then the weekend came, "I am so stressed out, it has been such a tough week."
Well five months of this, and I lost it!

Then she explains about how much she loves me, but the idea of sex with me disgust her? Now where did that come from? We had been married 12 yrs at this point, two kids.
I was confused, but in love with my kids, so I was going no where.
I asked her a few months later..."Do i really disgust you?"
She replied , " What are you talking about, of course not!"
Well that was good to hear, but how come were still in the no contact mode?

I again bring up the subject, suggesting we need help, as I was not very happy living like this.
"I have no problems, I just don't want to have sex with you" she declares.

I bring up the idea of divorce, or maybe even an open marriage, so at least we could both get a booty call every once in a while. (I was joking about the booty call, but wanted to see her reaction)

So when she finally calmed down enough that we could talk, it became obvious. Divorce was an "over my dead body" proposition. Sex was never gonna happen again as long as I was married to her. So, I guess I was to become a monk at the age of 33, because she didn't feel like it?

Eventually, the kids graduated from High School, and I served her papers.
Mistake, don't ever do it yourself. have a marshall or lawyer do it! Yikes.

so now 7 yrs later, she has moved back in with me. This time it is purely for financial reasons. Her new job pays half what she was making. I am unemployed, but have a paid off house. so were once again under the same roof.

Now the awkward part comes into play. Do I sit her down and ask her why she decided sex with me was so bad, or do I just drop it!
I have always wondered why? someone suggested maybe sex was painful after our second child. I doubt that is true, because we never had sex after our second child was born!

Maybe she had been raped on a business trip and was ashamed to tell me, and is too traumatized to have sex again?
Maybe, but I doubt it! If she could not come to her husband about something like that, who could she go to?

I suspect that she had decided long before our children were born, that sex was going to go away. maybe it was her plan before we even before we got married.
I don't know the answers, as she will never tell me, even on her death bed.

So yes, I took the best years of her life, but I was willing to share everything with her, apparently she had no intentions of sharing!

ps. sorry if this is in the wrong group. I obviously am no longer in a sexless marriage, but it seems this group would much better understand my feelings on the subject.
AnIrishwarrior AnIrishwarrior
56-60, M
9 Responses Jul 30, 2012

It all sound so familiar. Too tired, feet are hurting, headache, next weekend... or next... or next...<br />
I was serious about suggesting an open marriage but he said I could go then. <br />
Now I have cyber sex and he hates that but I told him I would stop if he would have sex with me again.<br />
It's three years now since our sexlife went downhill.

Yeah, she told me an open marriage was out of the question. I really was just trying to shock her into rethinking her position. Good luck Ricki.

I'm still with my cyber friend with benefits and if we both ever get the chance...

When you first told me about your new living arrangement...because we are friends...and I already knew aspects of your life...I thought you had somehow felt trapped. I still feel this way.<br />
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Lemme explain. You could have rented a room to someone else to help with living expenses. Also...your children are grown and not dependant on you anymore...so they shouldn't figure into this decision. What I think is that you are waaaaay too nice of a guy for your own good.<br />
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The fact of the matter is...she broke your vows...and you know I'm right. Emotional and physical intimacy is a part of marriage...or any other romantic relationship. She wanted all the perks and benefits...without having to contribute anything to the deal. She wasn't there for you during the "worse part" of for better or worse...she just wasn't.<br />
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Now...I know about some of the personal losses you have endured this past year...and that can also play into this "trap" you find yourself in. I think the "she's the mother of my children" and/or the "what if" ships sailed away a long time ago my Friend. Seriously.<br />
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So you had a weak moment. You're human. It happens. *shrug* But you can correct this...and you need to correct this fast. After the behavior you mentioned her displaying in this story...SHE HAS GOT TO GO. If for no other reason...than for your own peace of mind and sanity.<br />
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And if I didn't make myself clear enough for you to understand...I will say it another way. Your ex-wife is a succubus *****...who is intent on sucking the life and soul out of you for as long as you give her the power to do so. Please...please...please...DO NOT give her this power.<br />
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You are waaaaay too good for her...and you always have been. JMHO.<br />
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You can so do this Irish. Chin up...and kick this succubus to the curb once and for all. (((Big Hugs))) and moral support are yours for as long as you need it. :)

Now your sounding like my son. yeah, I do need to part company.

Your son is brilliant! Listen to him. :)

It is becoming clear that she moved in to benefit her, not us! She has no interest in what benefits me. She is saving money and has someone to cook and do her dishes. She seems very content, while I am starting to relive a bad nightmare.
She is heading out of town for a few weeks on business, maybe I can pack her stuff for her, so she can get out fast when she returns. My son has already volunteered to "throw her bitchy *** out" .

What a great idea! Have her packed...and maybe a place already set up where she can stay for a bit...and then cut those apron strings...cuz she is so using you. This could be an awesome opportunity to right a wrong decision. I think you should seriously consider using it to your advantage. :)

since I am here, an update. She is gone. Still money is tight all the way around. My son has agreed to pay rent. Were making it work. I know it may sound as if I hate her, but it is not hate as much as disappointment. She is extremely self centered and demands control of everything. Those are parts of my life she does not get to control anymore. I don't mind being controlled if I am loved. Give some, take some.

I get it my friend. I so get it. I'm so glad she's gone. It's your turn to finally be happy...and to really start living your life the way you want to live it...and not the way others want you to live it. :)

3 More Responses

Also consider this: no woman in her right fu#$ing mind would date you while you're involved in this cluster f#@k. Just sayin.

Well sort of a moot point right now! lol I have not even talked to any women in the last month.

You would possibly benefit from reading up on personality disorders. It is quite possible your Ex-wife has one. The situation where she first tells you that you disgust her then denies saying this is an example of the behaviour of people with certain disorders.<br />
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You may discover if you read about personality disorders that one(or more!) "fit" your ex-wife well. If so, read it with great care, because it may alert you to possible pitfalls yet to come . . . . <br />
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You ARE divorced. But Chai is right. It will be very hard to "prove" you are not living in a de-facto relationship, if she starts asserting that you are. And her ability to say one thing and then deny it later has already been proved to you.<br />
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You sound like a good and decent man. If you can afford to do so, pay a bond on a rental place for her (either alone or with others) and her first month's rent. Then evict her. If she doesn't like your choices for her, she is free to make her own. It may well cost you a thousand pounds, but it just might be worth it!!!!

You mean, like she is a self centered narsasistic *****! LOL I do think so
Now the legal ramifications of her living with me, are new to me. I definately need to examine that.

Begorrah! The lodger from hell!<br />
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Eviction! Now! Not only because of the money & legalities, but because she's already manipulating your soul, you're starting to go over stuff that is not helping you and will not give you answers. Be aware that when people are asked to justify, they come up with the most confabulated post-hoc rationalisations that are most likely to blame you for something you could have done. BS.<br />
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Tell her it's not working out because it raises some very painful memories for you, because you feel you've wasted the best years of your life with a soul-sucker. You may leave out the last clause as you wish.

Well I did give her the best years of my life also. I was unconditional until she decided I was pond scum. Funny, she still does not understand how not having a sex life would ruin a marriage? She just does not get it. I am thinking a time limit is needed, and an eviction notice set up. She really is messing with my head!

Well, I really didn't want to land you with any such view like giving her the best years of your life - that's rubbish. You can make a beautiful life for yourself and contribute to others - and a great motivator for that is that you are not going to let her ruin anything.

Yeah, I have already told her, she is just a boarder, nothing more. I will have a good life without her. Not like I can totally get her out of my life, she is the mother of my children.

I think you're in the right group. <br />
Search within this group for "emotional abuse" and "emotional manipulation". I think I have some public posts in my blog. <br />
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Also: if you are living together again, depending on the laws in your jurisdiction, you could find yourself "married" again in the eyes of the law. Seek legal advice.

OH ****! NOOOOOOOOooooooo! Thanks for the warning!
Let's change that to she is renting a room from me! yikes!
Maybe a legal contract of such, till I can get her out!

That's the spirit! But please DO seek legal advice; not doing so could be very, very expensive.

... and if she needs to cut expenses, she can find a roommate ...and that doesn't have to be YOU. You are being used.

Just wondering why you'd agree to living together again. There are other ways to ameliorate financial strain. Some doors, once closed, ought to remain closed - preferably locked too.

I am seeing the errors of my ways! lol
I figured if I start hitting on her maybe she will move out! lol
Actually that would be dumb! I am thinking of giving her an eviction notice!

Do not ask her...really, it is done ....you do not need to know why...that will not make it any different , or better...:)

Yeah, I know! But it just bugs me, I was never given a choice? She still gets jealous. If I get a call from a woman, she gets all pissy! What the hell, she had her chance!

Tell her to put a lid on it lol..I am srry she has not right to ask who you speak to or comment on it.

Yeah, she was caught looking at my phone records. My son lives with us, and he told her to keep her nose out of "Dad's " business. She would use a fry pan on my head if I even touched her cell phone. Sheesh!

ARe you F'ing KIDDING me ???? YOU took the best years of HER life??? What about the mind games she played with YOU????<br />
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Congrats to you for getting out. I certainly hope you found better. Is there noone else on the planet you could live with until you sort yourself out financially?

To be honest, it is not working. she wants to control every aspect of my life. Now she tells me it is inappropriate for me to be dating? Not that I get many opportunities, but still, bug off!

its innapropriate why? it has been 7 years ...just because she lives with you does not give her any right what so ever ...unless she is in your bed and ...well we all know that is not the case!

tell her if she wants to have a say then she needs to put out