Short Interruption Of Intimacy: The Bumps In The RoadI'm still here, still working at my marriage.
In my last story, I talked about our visit with Husband's family of origin. Well, three days after we visited his ailing mother, she passed away. So we flew back for the family get-together and memorial service.
Needless to say, the whole time was intense and emotional for all of us.
When we returned home, Husband told me that he wanted to be sexually intimate with me, because he missed me. (We hadn't been intimate for nearly two weeks, the time it took to deal with all the travel and family stuff.) And.... I got scared and angry...
First of all, it is really difficult, after years of repetitive cycles of being pushed away, to feel secure in the belief that Husband and I can permanently enjoy this new dynamic between us. So when a couple weeks' disruption occurred, I found myself reliving those feelings of strengthening my boundaries and preparing to be emotionally "on my own" again.
Secondly, the interactions between me and Husband, while verbally supportive, were not fully comforting in that stressful time. He was feeling turmoil and confusion over his family relationships, and he did what comes most naturally to him: he kept more to himself and did not share much physical touch with me. And while I certainly was understanding about his need to deal with difficult feelings in his own way... I also found it hard to be specifically deprived of physical touch that is so normal for us (snuggling, back rubbing, hand holding, etc.)
So yeah, by the time he said he wanted to be intimate, I was feeling threatened and wanting to push him away. I wanted to keep a distance (especially physical) between us, because I was having doubts about whether our newly-reestablished intimacy will last into the future. I thought: if he pulls away from me in stressful times, then is our physical closeness really a comfort to him? Or is it just another source of stress that he will eventually discard?
A bunch of difficult talks and clarifications ensued. We tried to figure out communication that would solve some of the issues we'd faced on the trip. We came to better understanding.
And once again, Husband surprised me by reaffirming his determination to reach me with love. We had sex. He consciously started caressing me during conversation, just to make me feel loved. He is firm in his assurances that our marital progress continues to be his priority.
Still going forward. He sees the therapist again tonight. Still working, still building.