Tired Of Being Rejected

Nice bait.

There may in fact be something to this. My wife and I are barely on speaking terms these days, but back when we got along better she always wanted me to share with her what was going on at work. I was never one to want to talk a whole lot about work on an everyday basis, but I talked to her about it fairly regularly. Whenever there was some sort of challenge or difficulty she went into troubleshooting mode which I found extremely annoying. She was always giving me advice on how to be more effective on the job, how to network better, asking who'd been promoted recently and what I thought my prospects were for promotion, If she wanted me to be more successful in my career, making love to me on a regular basis would have been 1000 times more effective and made it much more likely that I would have wanted to share even more with her, something which she never quite grasped. The result was that over time, I shared less and less because it wasn't helpful, or soothing, or encouraging, it only made me feels worse.

My husband is a lot like your wife. I'm in sales and work on commission. He is always trying to tell me how to up my sales and make more money. He has never done sales in his life but wants to try to fix everything. I tend to not tell him as much as I'd like to because it always come back to him telling me how to 'fix it' when I just want him to listen. I try to listen and show compassion when he needs it. . . it's in my nature. We found that when possible we IM throughout the day. It's easier to communicate. We aren't both at our desks all day long so we aren't talking all day but from time to time. We found that we can 'say' things we have trouble saying in person. It can be a big turn on sometimes depending on how the conversation goes. The bad part is you can't see the emotion behind the comments. I wish you the best in being able to communicate with your wife. I'm sure she is just as miserable as you are. Good luck.

We are in our mid 40's and healthy. He is stressed a lot about work and other projects that he takes on and has no time to complete. I'm sure both of those are factors.

I'm sorry to hear what your going through. You want to be strong and be thankful to have your husband after all that but want more. I can see where that's a struggle. We are sexual beings, going without when it isn't our choice isn't easy. Maybe things will change one day. I hope so.

very helpful :)

You can send me a message if you want.

So just like any good mechanic can put the car back together and make it run smoothly it should be possible to put a marriage back together, assuming you have the right parts to work with? I'd like to think so.

Right parts? Perhaps after stem cell grafting is perfected. We may also need the kind of memory-washing as in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". With those two things in place, there may be hope. Otherwise, a car can take only so much abuse before you total it.

I prefer to try to get the car back on the road and not take it to the junk yard. . . power of positive thinking :) Memories may not be able to be washed away but you can make new positive memories to overpower them if your lucky.

Give up. . . what kind of advice is that :) Actually we have an anniversary coming up. We talked last night about getting away for a few days. We live in an area with a lot of secluded cabins nearby. Hot tub, wine and something sexy. . . couldn't hurt.

From your Smiley face. You got my pun. Hope you can work magic you did when caught him. You gotta keep it a secret a set the mood. Taking things with you haven't tried yet. Not to crazy.just enough to make fun. And don't break it all out at once.

I met him at 16 and had to 'borrow' his car keys to get him to talk to me. He was very shy. Not sure that would work now but maybe some modification of that. I'm not afraid to go a little crazy. I'm sure he would be open to just about anything once we set the mood. If you have any specific suggestion please feel free to send me a message. I'll be sure to let you know how it goes, without the specifics :)

As I told someone else, I don't think he is cheating. I trust him in that regard. I'm not stupid and will not walk around with blinders on. I just want him to want me again. He did it for so many years, it's in there I know. I'm a firm believer that when you find a problem you find a way to fix it.

I'm sorry for your situation. I got your message and will reply when I have a little more time.

I don't think I 'educated' him. It isn't like I rejected him every time when the kids were young. We obviously had sex or there wouldn't have been a second child. :) We also had a lot of good years between when the kids were young and the recent years. He has a demanding job and takes on way too much outside of work. I do appreciate your opinion.

So it ain't a dealbreaker ??

I'm not giving up on my marriage if that's what your asking. I know things will never be the same as when we were young, they can't be, we are two different people. I'm not looking for all moonlight and roses. I just want us to be happy in and out of the bedroom. Some days are better than others and I have to work on making the good days the majority.

Whether YOU have given up on the marriage is not in question here. Your story strongly suggests that HE has, and that, is highly unlikely to be solveable.

I trust him. I think the issue lies elsewhere. But I'll keep my eyes open.

There is always more to every story. We were high school sweethearts that married at 21, kids at 25 and 30 and never really experienced life. We spent all our time together in those years and rarely formulated friendships outside our marriage. I deeply regret that now but didn't realize the possible implications at the time.

He never seem to understand why I was tired in those early days. He went to work, came home and spent the evening playing with the kids and watching TV. I took care of the kids, went to college (then work) kept the house and took care of the kids. Yes, I intentionally said he played with the kids and I took care of them, that's how it happened. His time with the kids was a chance for me to study or get caught up on things that I'd neglected while I ran ragged each day.

I'd often start studying after the kids went to bed and not go to bed myself until after midnight. Why I wasn't wildly in the mood is beyond me :)

We did talk and he tried to understand and help out more but soon we would be back where we started. Some habits are hard to break.

Talking openly isn't an easy thing for us. We were raised differently. His family yelled a lot, mine swept everything under the rug and put on a smile. Not an easy blend. Even last night when he said "you need to give me a break" I didn't respond. I didn't want to know what that meant. He could have meant he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. He could have meant he was tired of me asking for sex or he could have meant he wanted to get away from me for awhile. He didn't say it meanly. After he held me for a few minutes I got up to get a drink. When I returned he was on his side going to sleep. I know we should have talked it out but knowing it would lead to hours of getting no where like it has in the past, and leave us both too tired to face the day in the morning, we didn't.

I agree that communciation is our biggest problem. I don't know how to fix that. I tend to talk and talk and he makes comments along the way. I know he is thinking about much more but I can't get it out of him. Very frustrating.

Yes, there is always more to be told about the story of all are lives, but you do always have to start with the abridged version. I'm relieved that my wild speculation wasn't totally off the mark to be honest, because sometimes it is and I feel I may be causing more harm if I do. Look, there is an old adage that says "strike when the iron is hot" ie. take the opportunity when it presents itself and don't put it off until it is no longer an immediate issue. However, there are just self-explanatory situations when that useful advice is just palpable nonsense and late at night when you both maybe would welcome sleep as a fairly high priority is not one of them. I would also suggest that when you have just been snubbed and are feeling hurt is another time not to raise it because you are probably not going to be in the right frame of mind to address the issue rationally. I would just suggest an idea, that you concentrate on this being a communication issue primarily where one of the symptoms is a lack of a satisfactory sex life, but are there other issues as a result? If he has other things on your mind, as you read his body language, he needs to feel free to say it without sensing that it could be disastrous to your relationship unless of course your relationship is on unsteady ground already. Either of you denying that possibility isn't going to make it any less of a fact. You need to negotiate with him satisfactory grounds between you on which you can feel safe to communicate and negotiate and to be able to come to full disclosure. Maybe you should just stop trying to get a sexual response from him for the moment because it seems useless anyway. However, if you do you should explain to him that you are doing so and why it logically makes sense for you to do so, without laying out heavily on the blame-game. That would be the start of a de-escalation process between you where you can give one another a bit of psychological and emotional space and grace within which to manoeuvre. Would it be that terrible, do you think, if you were to carefully pick a non-critical moment to say to him that you find it difficult to communicate with him because of your fears and inhibitions and that you sense that he is having the same difficulty? Would you see any advantage in taking that tack?

You can only do so much. Don't give up. We went through phases like that when the kids were young but as they grew it definitely improved. The current problem is stemming from something else. I just don't know what yet but am keeping my eyes and ears open.

Short and to the point: I have seen a mother grow but lost my wife in the process. Hard but true: me too.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I remember having small kids and feeling like a heel when I really wasn't in the mood. Don't give up on her. Do something nice for her every day. Show her you love her in other ways than initiating sex. The first few years of having a new child are tough on marriage.

He used to wake me up in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep, we had some amazing nights. I'm a sound sleeper. I go to sleep and wake up in the morning, unless something wakes me up. He has always wanted me to wake him up in the middle of the night for sex, kind of hard to do when you are asleep.

He hasn't reached out for me in so long I can't remember when it was. I long to have him roll over and kiss me, touch me and make me feel special. I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this.

He has said in the past that he isn't happy but he acts happy most of the time. He will tease and laugh when we are together. Yesterday we spent a rainy Sunday on the sofa watch TV. We had a great day. That made it hurt even more when he rejected me last night.

my wife agrees im quite romantic. i have bought special gifts that she had no idea of and some gifts have made her cry they were that good. like i said were really good friends but these friends dont sleep together.

Why does he want you to wake him up in the middle of the night for sex? Just because he knows that is the one time when you won't because you can't? At face value that is just bizarre. And if he says he is unhappy safely assume he is unhappy despite indications to the contrary. Sometimes the reverse to the normal convention is true, ie that what someone says is more telling than what they do. People will put on a happy face for appearances sake when they are actually unhappy. Stop beating your head against a proverbial brick wall and speak out. Ask why and keep on asking until you get an answer that has some semblance of a substantial and credible answer. That answer, by the way, might be something that you might not like to hear.

P.S. Did you wait until you were in bed to ask him for sex? Why not ask him in advance? That way it is at least more difficult for him to say no because he will have to hand you his sick-note in advance.

Thanks for your support. I'm not ready to give up on this marriage. He may feel differently about me then he did in the past but I still love him with all my heart, even when he rejects me. It seems unfair that one person in a marriage can dictate how the marraige functions. I feel like a bystander most of the time. Waiting for him to throw me a bone or say it's over.