Could Use Some Moral Support And Advice :(

Try reading 'Uncoupling' by Diane Vaughan. Its been recommended before and will be again. Get your head around it all and start moving on.

Do not under estimate what you have done so far. You got a grip and kept hold of it.

i have been married to the same woman for 38 years...we have had more good years than bad...if you stay with someone you need to decide what your needs are ...or will be in the future...i dont believe that people change ...they may give in for a while...but...ultimately they will go back to who they are....you are only getting older...so make your decison....and enjoy whatever time you have...

Separation is probably not going to fix the issue, and though I do hate divorce, from personal experience I can tell you that separation is horrible. No matter what you do, you still have the marriage to deal with "at some point". Luckily we worked out our differences after a few years of separation and have now been happily married for almost 16 years. Most people aren't that lucky. Our problems weren't anything to do with sex or abuse though, it was misunderstandings and getting married WAY too young. As we both matured we were able to see our way back to what is now a very happy marriage.



But if you are at the end of the road and have no hope for reconciliation, don't start fooling around until the divorce is final. Stuff gets really complicated mentally, and if you meet someone they will find the still lingering marriage intimidating or downright untenable. Take your time, toys can fix the lack of sex in the meantime =)

At the risk of sounding insensitive, I am using only a visual that works better for me, no insult intended.



Think of yourself as an expensive vintage car. You've only been stored in the garage and not properly cared for. You would not hop in, turn the key and take off. You would carefully and thoroughly clean the car interior, making note of any damage and making tender repairs while sweeping out the dirt.



You would change the oil which formerly served to keep the car running smoothly - it's all gooey from non-use.



You would start the car and drive slowly at first to loosen things that had tightened up from non-use.



Long story short, take care of yourself FIRST and everything else will follow.

"So now that I get it, what do I do? File for a legal separation? Pack his stuff up? Start dating? Between work and family and this, I am so tired and overwhelmed, I can't see straight. What happens next?"



I'm surprised you need our input. No need to do everything at once, but I would recommend getting started. Suggested initial plan:

1. Make sure mom's health is stable.

2. Book an appointment with a lawyer to discuss separation (if you haven't already done so).

2. Meanwhile, book yourself a little vacation, somewhere away from your hometown, your house and the stbx's stuff.

3. Optional: invite your friend to join you at some point on the little vacation.

4. Return home ... refreshed.

5. Keep lawyer's appointment.

6. Map out the next steps.



*hug*

I disagree with everyone.



If you wanna take your time, take baby steps, get some therapist's benediction before you ****, fine.



If that's what you really want to do, more side line sitting and life postponing.



But that approach presumes you're a fragile little bird with a wounded wing. I say recent events on the ground dramatically prove otherwise.



It is time for you to do what you want to do. Doing 'the right thing' has been an outright disaster for you -I'm guessing for your entire life.



Short version: Get on the plane. **** that guy. Let the chips fall where they may.

The "why" is always best examined after you get out - when you can look at it objectively, which is all bar impossible to do whilst you are in the toxic situation.



I would suggest it is best to completely unload the dude. Divorce. Get it underway a.s.a.p. whilst he is out of the way and cannot thwart / delay / impede your exit. As soon as he gets wind of this he will be all over you like a cheap suit. So do it as covertly as possible.



Tread your own path.

Move ahead with whatever you need to do to get a divorce rolling. Do this before you start to "think it over" or he starts clinging and wants to "work it out." Whoever wrote that book must have been a member of this group. No matter how sweet he becomes and insists he has changed, if you turn back it will be exactly the same. Probably worse because he will be mad you left. The only power you have over a passive-aggressive person is to permantly end the relationship.



So your first date should be with an attorney. There are probably multiple scenarios that could play out legally, each with its own consequences. A lawyer can help you work through the nuances and timing.



Pack his stuff up, put it in a storage place, and mail him the key.



If you date, keep it superficial. You just have too much going on with this and your mother to begin a new emotional attachment right now. You're probably depressed, so don't make any major decisions like a career change or a hot and heavy romance or selling your house or joining a sex cult, at least without consulting trusted friends.



And look in the mirror every day and smile and tell yourself you did the right thing.

The Children of Narcissits are like Jedi's they learn their art at a young age. What you should be doing is giving consequences for his behavour. The consequences i talk about do not involve kicking & screaming.



You have already given him a consequence for his behavour. You have kicked him out. He now knows that you will no longer tolerate his behavour.



Whether he chooses to change and comes back to you begging forgiveness will be revealed with time. What you do from there is up to you.



Stay Strong & Good Luck

1. You Are An Amazing Woman

Please Don't Beat Yourself Up !



2. Have You Found Anyone With the Same Issues and Overcome One By One ?



3. Is Your Husband Willing to Face the Elephant in the Room and Work On His Issues ?



Not Living With Him does It Help You

In the Short Term ?

In the Long Term ?

You take baby steps.....you survived the hardest part.

good luck, you do have a bright future ahead of you.

hugs

I quite fancy the notion of taking things one step at a time. Does there need to be an agenda, a timetable? What's the hurry? Sign up to the slow movement! It's regarded as being deeply suspicious, like a justification for being inactive or just downright lazy, but like most things, other than, say, homicide, it has it's place and time.



Remember being intelligent doesn't necessarily make you wise and being experienced doesn't necessarily make you insightful. Watch how things happen around you and be actively aware of how others behave towards you and how you behave towards them. Think about not only what it might mean to you but also what it might mean to them.



Also, accept that there is often no right answer or one single answer, as Nefandus has put it. There is rarely any certainty in life (excepting death and taxes), therefore there is always risk. Where there is risk, pause, reflect, evaluate the true meaning of what you are experiencing, rather than engage in wishful thinking, and make as honest an assessment of the cost of the risk to you before engaging it. And if in doubt never supress the desire to ask when you know you ought to.



Above all, remember assumption is the mother of all ****-ups.

Take it easy. As time goes by everything will become clearer. Give yourself time to process this very important time of your life then, after a while, just let it go. Don't make the mistake of having this moment define the rest of your life.

He wasn't that nice and he wasn't that sane. I just came to terms with this in learning some new revelations about my ex. Sometimes, ****** up people will snow you.



Now it's on to the big parse of how much he enjoyed or got some payback from watching you suffer. You thought it was a low amount, but it turns out it's a much higher amount.



Then it's time for a catalog of the lies you and him told to enable this clearly crazy situation. For me, this was the most painful and most helpful part of moving forward.



It will all take a while to sort through so don't kill youself. After all, you've really, really been hosed. He used your best, most loving and loyal instincts against you like a club. Hey, it happened to me too; it takes one to know one.



So in the meantime, I vote for getting divorced and laid -sanely, if possible. Maybe skip the ponderous, scab picking therapy process and use the $$$$ for Club Med instead.



And consider having someone else pack up his stuff. On his dime.

Be careful in assigning motivation for behavior. There is more than one explanation that can fit.

Zsu is right - just breathe. Forget doing anything specific at this point to do with your Ex. Help your mother get well. Take the time you need to enjoy and to do the work required for your recent professional accomplishment.



For yourself, some advise that might help (I hope) would be:



1 Realise you will have cycles of feelings about the separation. At times it will feel SO painful you may think it is better to return. Understand that this is your pain speaking (emotions) and not your mind. If this happens, tell yourself you will make NO decision for twenty four hours. You will almost certainly be in a different place emotionally by then, and will be able to recognise that going back to the marriage is NOT the answer.



2 "Feel your pain" - which means allowing yourself to go deeply into your feelings without trying to reject them, or distract yourself. (If you want more information on this technique, PM me.) You will probably find that 10-15 minutes of this is all you can STAND! Then distract yourself completely by doing something that takes your mind away from your pain completely.



3 Take good care of yourself - eat well, exercise, get lots of sleep. Avoid over indulgence!



4 Be kind to yourself. Recognise that you ARE going through a major trauma. Give yourself little "treats" of your choice - depending on both your preferences and your budget. (A massage, a trip to the movies, coffee with a girlfriend, a chocolate bar, a bunch of flowers . . . )



5 Make a deliberate choice to "take the high road" - don't put him down to others; don't be abusive or critical to him; don't give in to the very natural desire to grind the man under your heel until he is DUST!!! In the long run, you will be glad to have behaved honourably and with courtesy and grace.



6 SEE A LAWYER - as soon as you have dealt with the initial maelstrom of feelings surrounding the saeparation. You NEED legal advice about how to proceed. Do not only rely on the advice of family and friends andf colleagues - no matter how well meaning they are.



7 When he wants to "deal" with you over the separation, be sure you are not subject to your own emotions. Get legal advice. If appropriate, have your Ex deal entirely with your lawyer.



Don't be taken in by any statements that might seem "reasonable" like "I just need to stay for a couple of days while I pack up my stuff". These are the shoals that can cause further chaos.



Instead, tell him you feel uncomfortable about that now, and that you have asked a friend if he can stay there instead. Obviously this is only an example of what MIGHT happen . . . just be repared for the possibility of statements or actions from him that might be seemingly harmless, but COULD rebound on you.



8 Recognise that you were NOT at fault because you did not see what was happening. You were conditioned to this behaviour in your own family and it makes sense you found a partner like this. This "iunconscious conditioning" plays a FAR greater role in our lives than most of us know - and that many are prepared to admit, even when they do know!



9 If you are like me, you will find "knowing" very interesting and insightful. It will not help your present situation - in that you cannot "undo" what has gone before. But you CAN learn a lot about what to avoid in the future.



10 Consider individual therapy for yourself - when the time is right. You are likely to find it very useful in "getting to know yourself" and in being able to recognise future red flags for relationships.



Every best wish for you to have a future filled with happiness, success and SEX!!!

You are in the middle of a huge whirlwind of out-of-your-control events. Take a deep breath, get through until your mom is stable, then take as long of a vacation as you can - centre yourself - before you even THINK about dating. That's my advice, anyways.