"i Never Intended To Hurt You"

My ex was an abusive refuser. He was also a liar and manipulator. I went through a very angry phase where I finally felt all the emotions of our marriage. I was furious. It was a necessary phase, and it is important to get it out so you can move forward. It is also important to not vest in staying angry and allow yourself to feel it and let go. It takes time.

UPDATE: Our sex therapist called today to discuss our bill and do a post-mortem. I gave her a synopsis of everything that's happened in the past month, the p/a stuff, everything. And she basically said, this must be painful but it sounds like you made the right decision for you. She was very sympathetic and fascinated to hear about EP and all the stuff I've learned. based on all that, she seemed totally understanding of why I had to end it.

You've been a boiling frog and it's going to take more time to come out of the water. Even though you now know how twisted things have been in your marriage, you still find it shocking as you dry off the last drops of water from your body. All of us go through the same steps.



I imagine, I will be coming out of denial for a very long time because in my heart, I still can't understand why my marriage failed. There is nothing specific to pinpoint and blame which is so often the case. It will take time for you to understand your "whys" so you don't end up with another passive aggressive person. Relationships always start out well when passion and desire are involved - it's when that wanes that our true colors come out.



You have worked hard to get where you are. His issues are his...it's now time to let him go and move into your own new, exciting, fulfilling life. I'm right behind you!

........You now are in a primo position to mindfuck him back, if you are so inclined.



Just play the classic refuser cards: you need more time, why doesn't he see what a sensitive flower you are, that you're TRYING? Nobody likes to be pressured, you know. A broadly unspecified, goal-post shifting change in attitude from him might help too (might).



Or just string him along indefinetly. Keep having 30 day silent reflection periods and keep on extending them. Let him soul search and then later on soul search some more.



But it's all moot and theoretical. Once you get laid, you're going to massively start to forget about him.



So if you're of a mind to torture his dumb ***, your window of interest is limited.



Aren't you hooking up with someone this weekend?

I'd gladly chat and listen next time You need to Let Pent Up Anger Out !

I reckon it might have been wiser to just keep pretty quiet about what you are feeling, and let him continue on a a state of oblivion to your plan to unload him.



With PA's you are best served not engaging in "debates" as they are far better at manipulating exchanges than you, making any exchange somewhat pointless from your perspective.



Best to present a PA with a fait accompli scenario. No "debate".



Tread your own path.

Intention only matters to the person doing the harm.



The person harmed is still harmed.

Grownups are responsible for their actions whether they meant it or not.

This is him starting the big re-write so that he can re-audition to others as a human being.



The facts tell a diff story.



If he watched you suffer and just shrugged, then as an adult, he knew that was wrong to do. He knew adults have sex. He knew he was ****** in the head.



Such carefully studied, unrelenting indifference over a span of years cannot be construed to be unintentional.



Therefore, he did intend to (and at minimum was fine with) hurt you.



Nail that coward's feet to the floor and get a straight answer or just blow him off and forget about him.



The result will be exactly the same -so it's just down to your temperament and preference.



I did it with mine. I got some satisfaction out having her admit she was a passive aggressive liar.

I can totally relate - it's not the "act" it's the process they put on you. When I was certain my husbro was having an affair, he played it off like I was insane and had mental issues. He's such a good liar it's pretty dam scary. At any rate, I lost all respect for him at the length he would go to avoid admitting his wrong doing. Many things can be forgiven, but mentally ******* with someone is not.

let me say this...you are still young...get out while you can...if you watch movies on lifetime or watch the ID channell, you will find that this type of behavior only worsens ...until its too late.. there is someone out there for you that is kind and loving and will treat you like a queen...and the only price you have to pay...is treat him like a king...

Whenever us kids ever had an accidental mishap or hurt people's feelings and we got called on it - we might say "I didn't mean to!!" and my grandfather would always reply "You didn't mean not to."



Annoying at the time, but a great lesson in taking responsibility for our actions intended or otherwise.

My ex's favorite is "I didn't MEAN to"... and "I'm not TRYING to"... (as in I'm not TRYING to be mean, I just ...blah blah blah). In the end I started saying "well you let me know when you're trying to, cause it's pretty effortless at the moment".

Its a tough personality to deal with. My wife is pa. She does not know what ahe does pretty much all the time. They are like kids that pick there nose. Don't know they are doing it. However there are instances where they arw aware but by habit the finger goes in the nose. The moat frustrating thing i experience is when she turns it back around on me and diverts my attention on to something else and my voice is not heard. We have both been through alot of therapy and good therapy at that and we are learning our differences as.far as personality goes. We are miss matched from what i see at this time. I see us learning our differences and going our separate ways peacefully?



I know now why i was drawn to her in the first place and so the situation i am in now will not repeat itself again. The more you read about all this crap the mpre you will really see the big picture. Not just what he does or does not get right. Good luck and stay the course you are on.