"i Never Intended To Hurt You"

Last night I texted with my H, who is in CA with his family. I told him how shocked and nauseated I am by all the stuff I've been reading about passive aggression---I can't believe how twisted it all is, all these mind games, like I've been used as some tool for him to take out his anger at the world in all these insidious ways. I told him I couldn't imagine ever trusting him with my feelings again, the betrayal is too great.

And while he did apologize and say how terrible he feels, he ALSO said that he "never intended" to do this to me and it "wasn't conscious." Well WTF does that have to do with it??????? Do alcoholics "intend" to be drunks? Do men who hit their kids "intend" to be abusers? Is it conscious? I feel like it's just more mental weaseling, finding ways to fully take responsibility for his behavior. For all these years he never once took any responsibility for his behavior and blamed it all on me or outside things. What else is new?

Honestly, maybe there is just a chip missing in him, or something. I can't express how different he and our marriage look in retrospect as I see things without the veil of hope or desperation.

I am disgusted.
nyartgal nyartgal
36-40, F
11 Responses Aug 3, 2012

My ex was an abusive refuser. He was also a liar and manipulator. I went through a very angry phase where I finally felt all the emotions of our marriage. I was furious. It was a necessary phase, and it is important to get it out so you can move forward. It is also important to not vest in staying angry and allow yourself to feel it and let go. It takes time.

UPDATE: Our sex therapist called today to discuss our bill and do a post-mortem. I gave her a synopsis of everything that's happened in the past month, the p/a stuff, everything. And she basically said, this must be painful but it sounds like you made the right decision for you. She was very sympathetic and fascinated to hear about EP and all the stuff I've learned. ba<x>sed on all that, she seemed totally understanding of why I had to end it.

You've been a boiling frog and it's going to take more time to come out of the water. Even though you now know how twisted things have been in your marriage, you still find it shocking as you dry off the last drops of water from your body. All of us go through the same steps. <br />
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I imagine, I will be coming out of denial for a very long time because in my heart, I still can't understand why my marriage failed. There is nothing specific to pinpoint and blame which is so often the case. It will take time for you to understand your "whys" so you don't end up with another passive aggressive person. Relationships always start out well when passion and desire are involved - it's when that wanes that our true colors come out. <br />
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You have worked hard to get where you are. His issues are his...it's now time to let him go and move into your own new, exciting, fulfilling life. I'm right behind you!

I'd gladly chat and listen next time You need to Let Pent Up Anger Out !

I reckon it might have been wiser to just keep pretty quiet about what you are feeling, and let him continue on a a state of oblivion to your plan to unload him.<br />
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With PA's you are best served not engaging in "debates" as they are far better at manipulating exchanges than you, making any exchange somewhat pointless from your perspective.<br />
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Best to present a PA with a fait accompli scenario. No "debate".<br />
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Tread your own path.

I needed him to know how I felt, and to remind myself why I kicked his *** out. He sure helped with that!

Intention only matters to the person doing the harm. <br />
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The person harmed is still harmed.

Yes... exactly.

My ex and I had an issue around this right from the beginning (red flag, I know). He would get upset and even angry if I expressed pain or upset at something he had done... for instance, accidentally (?) step on my foot... because in his mind, if it was accidental, once he had explained that, I was supposed to pat him on the head and say, oh, well then, that's okay...

The concept of, it still hurts, whether you meant to or not, was completely beyond him.

I can totally relate - it's not the "act" it's the process they put on you. When I was certain my husbro was having an affair, he played it off like I was insane and had mental issues. He's such a good liar it's pretty dam scary. At any rate, I lost all respect for him at the length he would go to avoid admitting his wrong doing. Many things can be forgiven, but mentally ******* with someone is not.

Exactly. I lost all respect for mine too. JUST BE A MAN and take responsibility for your choices and their consequences. Are there any grownups out there? Because all this manipulation is a symptom of a deeply stunted immaturity.

let me say this...you are still young...get out while you can...if you watch movies on lifetime or watch the ID channell, you will find that this type of behavior only worsens ...until its too late.. there is someone out there for you that is kind and loving and will treat you like a queen...and the only price you have to pay...is treat him like a king...

Thank you---I sure hope you're right. I feel like my chances are actually pretty damn good, hahaha. :)

Whenever us kids ever had an accidental mishap or hurt people's feelings and we got called on it - we might say "I didn't mean to!!" and my grandfather would always reply "You didn't mean not to."<br />
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Annoying at the time, but a great lesson in taking responsibility for our actions intended or otherwise.

Exactly. It's very simple. I wish there were more of your grandfather in the world.

My ex's favorite is "I didn't MEAN to"... and "I'm not TRYING to"... (as in I'm not TRYING to be mean, I just ...blah blah blah). In the end I started saying "well you let me know when you're trying to, cause it's pretty effortless at the moment".

Hahaha! Exactly. I felt like saying, if this is love, what does hate look like?

It's been common ILIASM wisdom that the opposite of hate is indifference...

Indifference is also the opposite of love.

Ha ha ha that is an awesome reply. I like that.
And I agree with Changewilldoyougood - indifference is the opposite of love. There is hate, but indifference surpasses even that.

Indifference is far worse than hate. It makes you feel invisible, negated.

My favorite was, "I'm TRYING!" when he wasn't doing ANYTHING whatsoever to work on things. Completely crazy-making. It's like someone watching tv trying to convince you he's washing the dishes. Uh, I have eyeballs, I can see you are not in the kitchen. Insanity.

Yes, I have experienced that one...

4 More Responses

Its a tough personality to deal with. My wife is pa. She does not know what ahe does pretty much all the time. They are like kids that pick there nose. Don't know they are doing it. However there are instances where they arw aware but by habit the finger goes in the nose. The moat frustrating thing i experience is when she turns it back around on me and diverts my attention on to something else and my voice is not heard. We have both been through alot of therapy and good therapy at that and we are learning our differences as.far as personality goes. We are miss matched from what i see at this time. I see us learning our differences and going our separate ways peacefully?<br />
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I know now why i was drawn to her in the first place and so the situation i am in now will not repeat itself again. The more you read about all this crap the mpre you will really see the big picture. Not just what he does or does not get right. Good luck and stay the course you are on.

I am reading a lot about it, and it is, in a word, SICKENING.