Post

I Too Am In A Sexless Marriage

I too am in a sexless marriage. My story is very similar to the many others here. My wife and I are both 56 years old and have been married for 35 years. This didn’t happen overnight. Our two adult sons live on their own.
I live in an emotionless, touch less and sexless relationship. She freely admits that she has zero libido and does not like to be touched. She mentioned this to her Dr and the Dr offered to work with her to try some things but she won’t follow-up
So I find myself in a relationship with a woman who has no desire to be intimate with me in anyway. She certainly never initiates and refuses me. So MANY false hopes. So I have given up after all these years.
I am trying to deal with the lack of intercourse BUT I can’t cope without any form intimacy. My heart is breaking for the touch and embrace of a woman.
I would like to think that there are still women my age out there want to be with a man emotionally and physically.
What are my options:
1) Stay and endure, (Can’t cope, I won’t spend the rest of my life like this)
2) Affair (Messy, complicated and people get hurt) (But should I try and see where it goes)
3) Divorce ($ and people get hurt)
I should say that I am not without my faults.
I see no hope in my future right now.
For me it is not about the lack of sex it is about wanting to be with a women who wants to be with me and me with her.
Your thoughts
mikews mikews 56-60 9 Responses Aug 4, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

I am picking up why your putting down. I am 37 and my wife is 25. We have one issues and have two kids and for the most part happy. Not living the American dream but not doing without. It drives me ******* batty. I love this woman so much. After seven years I like touching her skin and being with her after seven years is like the first time. She isn't reading this and im not trying to look good here and I tell her all the time how amazing she look and makes me feel. she never wants to have sex anymore. She never initiates it. She never ever wants any affection frome t all. She doesn't go anywhere so there is no affair or at least one she can get Away with. She has Internet affairs I think. I don't know what the **** is going on but she clearly doesn't want me. So so so many times she will say in the day we are going to do it and then it's no way in tired. False hope. I want to be with her and not some one else. She doesn't care I don't think and it makes me depressed. **** that's how I found this sight. I got so upset u had tO blurt out and now I have a small outlet. **** my life!! Good luck

choice 4. open marriage. it can work if anything for a short period of time. a bit tricky to approach the subject (like pandora's box). sort of a last resort before divorce.

You have summed your potential choices up quite well.



I rather think that you were hoping for a rebuttal point to be made suggesting some more palatable choice #4, but there is no choice #4.



Just one of the 3 shithouse choices you have identified.



Your are in the default setting of staying. You don't like that one which leaves you with either extra marital action, or dissolvement of the marriage as your only two available choices.



You seem to know intuitavely that the extra marital choice is a whole lot of hard work, and that one is probably out.



So you are down to the biggie. Best you go see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and find out how it will shake out.



Tread your own path.

It seems that many people are going through the same thing. At some point you just need to do what feels right for you and don't over analyze it. I've moved on emotionally. At times I get angry, but I've taken to finding other things in my life to occupy my time. It seems like you think all of your options will ending up hurting others, but you are the one hurting now. Remember that being hurt doesn't mean they will continue to hurt. You are continuing to hurt as you stay on.

I recommend you seek legal counsel, many offer a free consultation - you need information on exactly HOW a divorce would pan out in your jurisdiction.



Once you reduce the unknowns you will feel more empowered to set an appropriate course towards living a higher quality of life.

Mike



It's number 3. Unfortunately you already know that. You have discounted No1 voluntarily and you must know that No2 is ultimately not going to satisfy you, that you will end up wanting more and why shouldn't you? So it's definitely No3. I could dream up all sorts of reasons to pick either No1 or No2 but I wouldn't believe it, and more importantly neither would you.



You're scared at the prospect and so you should be, both from a financial and emotional perspective. The only thing I can suggest to you that you gradually cajole yourself into believing you can do it, to ease yourself into the preparation, seeking legal advice, crunching some numbers on a spreadsheet, imagining how satisfactorily you might be able to live with less. It doesn't sound terribly encouraging, but what else can you do? What do you want to do to yourself?

Welcome aboard the Love Boat! LOL!!!



There are plenty of us floating out here with you. I have posted my stories here so you can read them, but soon I will separate from my H after 25 years of marriage. We have worked harder than anyone I know to keep our marriage together, but thus far, we've been unsuccessful.



The bottom line is you want something she can't/won't/doesn't want and there's nothing you can do to change that. This board is not the first place people land when dealing with a SM; it's a last resort after they've tried everything else. If you want to be close, then you don't have a choice but to move out of the marriage. My H and I have been actively working together on our marriage for 6 years through individual and couples therapy. We've both changed alot, but not in a way that makes us sexually compatible.



I want to assure you there are plenty of people our age to want physical intimacy. I don't want to live the rest of my life in a passionless marriage - I want to feel the desire of another for the rest of my life - well into my 80's and maybe 90's!



I know it's hard but you are on your way to making a decision. In 30 days or so, my H will move out. I will keep you posted on what the other sides looks like, but I'm sure the road I've traveled to get here will have been worth all the pain and tears. I just know it.



Blessings to you.

Great comment!

You're thinking things through quite pragmatically. You've laid out your choices. Which feels right to you?



My two cents:

1) Really? You're already so unhappy. You think more years of this will make it better?

2) Affairs are a great short-term fix, ASSUMING no one finds out/gets hurt. They can be conducted successfully. But they're not the answer.

3) And then there's the real solution. Yes, there are women out there your age seeking intimacy, sex, and all those other wonderful things you miss so much. Yes, it takes time, $$$, and a bit of your sanity...but you'll be a better person for it in the long run.



Good luck...

Well you know if she was to read your posting here she would might get it!



My wife found my journal and she worked me over a couple times since. (sex) I dont think we are cured by any means.



If she is aware of this the way you post it, it should be a eye opener for her. If it does nothing and she does nothing with herself to fix it then you know your future with her.



Good luck with your options.