Sexless In Tn

Sexless in TN

My wife of 17 years seems to have no interest in sex at all.

When we met, I had some **** magazines and that was no problem to her. We had smoking sex and I loved it and I thinnk that was one of the things that kept us going together. Then pregnancy and we married.

During the pregnancy, we continued to have sex.

after the pregnancy, sex dropped off alot. I can't say how often but it was a noticeable drop.

Then we moved to TX after about 1 1/2 years of marriage and then it dropped off even further. I was abusing alcohol and in that time I discovered internet ****. I justified using internet **** because there was little or no sex going on after just 1 1/2 years of marriage.

We had some major arguments and I remember alot of them were over money.

We moved again about 3 years later and the amount of sex dropped off a little more and during that time I was accessing internet **** a little more often. Again, I was using the "You don't give me sex, so I go look at ****" stance.

we moved several times over the years and at one point my internet sex developed into not just looking but into trying to get cam to cam sex, never showing my face. I felt that I just wanted to feel goo and I liked it when a woman would say I had a hot body.

I also would go to ***** clubs and get lap dances to the point where I would *********.

I started having an affair. I never had intercourse or oral sex with the woman, but it got real close. I had gotten sober a few years before the affair, and I stopped the affair because I thought it would affect my sobriety. Coincidentally, the next day, my wife found out about the affair.

My wife did not leave me.

Even before that I would estimate that my wife and I would have sex maybe 5 times a year. I would always complain about it during counseling.

During counseling sessions when I would bring up the lack of sex topic, I would be told always to romance it up. I had tried several times and got no results from my wife.

I have gotten to the point where I don't care about romancing it up anymore because I feel that I get no results anyway.

I can't stand our relationship and wish it could be better. I don't like talking to my wife anymore because all she does is complain about things like the dishwasher and the floor andhow I don't like to go with her to see her horse.

I don't like participating in things with her because she doesn't sharany interest in what I am doing or my hobbies.

I am just lost.

I don't want to get a divorce. I feel that I still love her and also there is the whole financial crises where I will be screwed because I am the man in the relationship.

She says she still loves me but I don't feel it.

We are more like roomates at this point with her being condescending and critical of me all the time and when I get angry about it I just leave the house because it's too painful to be around.

I know that there were things (mentioned above) where I was at fault and to blame. I know that I screwed things up with the affair and internet ****.

I just wish things would get better between us.

We are seeing yet another counselor, and I am trying to get to solutions rather than going in there and complaining about the sad state of the relationship all the time.

well, that's that.
PerryD65 PerryD65
46-50, M
7 Responses Aug 4, 2012

Ditch the counselling. Especially a counsellor who cant see there are more issues than romancing it up.<br />
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Hey as for the Internet **** if your missus was dishing it up you wouldn't be looking at it.<br />
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You really need to make a choice here. Either sort this **** out or seek legal advise and go.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

Grog, money, sexual refusal, ****, strippers. Quite the tale of dysfunction really.<br />
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And you are going to blow more money on counselling !!<br />
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I gather you live in some **** jurisdiction where you are going to get hammered in a divorce.<br />
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That's tough, but I can't see as you have a viable alternate choice. Legal advice would seem a necessity.<br />
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Tread your own path.

"there is the whole financial crises where I will be screwed because I am the man in the relationship."<br />
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How about you get yourself to a lawyer and see if this is true - in my case it wasn't - also, how much more financially "screwed" will you be if you separate in 5 or 10 years time instead of right now?<br />
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I feel this is really what is holding you back. You have too many complaints about her in general to really want to stay.

I would love to whip out a magic wand and tell you how to fix your wife, but alas, you have no control over that. You have (ba<x>sed on your past behavior) cemented in her mind that it's just sex and your ****** that matters and that it's not about her. All you can do is continue on the path you are on (honesty, transparency, accountability). Living in a sm makes you lose who you are and what attracted your wife to you in the first place. Work on reclaiming yourself and pour less effort into fixing the problem - partially because it takes away some of her power and relieves the pressure on her. You will enjoy life more and there is a good chance you may rekindle her love for you. Welcome to the club no one really wants to join, but at least you are in good company.

I also have made my amends to her and have come clean with her about my past behavior. I am an active member in a 12-step program. (Did my 9th step with her, with guidance) I have been sober for over 10 years.

I regard 12 Step programs very highly and congratulate you on your 10 years of sobriety.. Unfortunately, 12 Step programs can't fix what's broken in a marriage - they focus on fixing what's broken in you with the hope it will also spill over into the marriage. Sometimes that happens, but more often than not, the damage done from the effect of addiction is unfixable. A good therapist will help you sort all of this out. My H had a **** addiction that kept hiim from being with me. Even after more than a year of 12 Step, while he's no longer acting out, it hasn't repaired the fundamental disconnect in our marriage. I wish it were that simple.

Oooh, morningteatime, you got the "chicken and egg" reference in before me. I would whole-heartedly concur. Who starts what and when? Who is to blame first? Who is determined to have the last word?<br />
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You say you feel you love your wife but do you really? Really in a way that would be understood and accepted by most folks?<br />
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Describing your wife's attitude and talking about yourself, I see two people who are well beyond the pale. On that basis I am not sure how you come back from that.<br />
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The only hope in theory is that you say sorry to her for the past, unconditionally, without offering reasons or excuses because it would only sully your apology, make it seem less heart-felt. Ask her does she want to just live the way you are both living together now. If you get a substantial answer there must be a good chance you will not like it, but at least it might help you decide what you are going to do next.<br />
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It's just a personal value thing, but except for the most extreme circumstances, I don't believe there is any purpose or benefit in making someone pay for their mistakes forever as it is just cutting off your own nose to spite yourself. But some people genuinely can't move beyond that obstacle.<br />
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PS. Not only is there a lack of trust, but more importantly there is a lack of respect and admiration and gratitude.

Your relationship does not have mutual trust. Your behavior (addiction) and her behavior (withholding) caused each of you to disconnect. You don't trust she'll be there for you and neither does she. So how does one rebuild trust?<br />
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Acting out is not the way...going to ***** clubs, internet ****, alcohol abuse - not good choices. The way back to each other is through mutual disclosure of every hurt, anger, pain that you've perpetrated on each other. She is angry at you for your behavior...why would you want to be close to someone you couldn't trust? And her withholding causes you to feel as if you are not a man so you have to go out and prove that to yourself. <br />
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Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Who knows? But the key is rebuilding trust which happens slowly over time with consistent, sincere effort. If you can do this, your marriage will be better than it could have ever been without the pain you've endured. If you can't do it, then it's best to pull the plug and move on. But, you need to deal with the reason why you escape into behaviors that only end up making you feel worse about yourself - regardless of what happens with your marriage.