I Dont Know Where To Turn, Here's Hoping For Some Advise From Experience.

I feel like I have been a victim of bait and switch. My wife and I are relatively young, both 27. We have been married for just over 4 years and have had what I would consider a SM for about 3 and 1/2 years now. We lived together for a year and a half before getting married. For various reasons we decided to not have sex before marrying. In hindsight that was pretty stupid. We did fool around and did everything except intercourse on almost a nightly basis before getting married. Once we actually married I thought we would be setting records for sex.......but it didn't quite work out that way. The first six months weren't bad. It wasn't every night, but I thought it was pretty acceptable. That's when things took a turn for the worse sexually. We then slowed down to once every other month then it just stopped. The last time we had sex was September 18, 2011. Before then the last time was April 9, 2009. I know that I'm not setting a record for longest time without being intimate, but relative to our length of marriage I think it is the beginning of a long hard road. It wouldn't be as bad if she would at least kiss me with a little passion. Kissing has been reduced to a quick peck before she rolls over and faces the other way in bed. I have spoken to her about my aggravation With the situation and how much it hurts me, but to no avail. We don't have kids and we really don't struggle financially, so there are no is nothing holding me back from getting out other than the fact that I love my wife. I enjoy being around her. She is smart, funny and beautiful. She has never been abused or had any major life event to justify this behavior. She did go through a pretty stressful period right before our wedding due to work but that was years ago.

I am extremely new to any kind of group like this but I needed somewhere to turn. I just can't keep it bottled up inside anymore. I just feel like I am going to burst. After reading as many posts as I can possibly read, it would seem that the consensus is that my marriage is not perfect with the exception of sex. The lack of sex or touching or any intimacy at all is just the most noticeable symptom of the problems that we have. At this point I almost don't care what the real problems are, I just want to get the intimacy problem solved. I really don't know what to do or even what my next move is, I just don't want to look back at 80 years old and regret my life. 
TisConfusion TisConfusion
26-30, M
7 Responses Aug 5, 2012

Your being refused is just the tip of a very large iceberg,TisConfusion. You have told your wife how hurt you are at her refusing to have sex with you and she does nothing about this? She is not interested in resolving the intimacy problems in your marriage even though she knows that you are unhappy. <br />
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How much does your wife value you? Respect you? Even love you much less like you?<br />
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I do not care how high stress a job anyone has, your marriage and any problems that you are feeling need to be addressed. She refuses you and what is happening to your self esteem throughout all of this? <br />
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She is establishing a pattern of control and it is working. She gets what she wants in the marriage and you are now focusing only on getting the intimacy back when there are other very serious issues going on between you two. Letting the other issues slide out of sexual frustration. <br />
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I agree with other comments TisConfusion.. If she senses you pulling away she may initiate sex just to keep you and maintain her status quo. If a pregnancy results, you will still face the same problems but with more complications. <br />
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She may be a woman who dislikes sex or has little sex drive. Is this acceptable to you for the rest of your life or not? Will she go to counseling with you? Do you even want to try that route? <br />
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You see your wife as smart funny and beautiful and you still love her. Do you also love yourself? How would you describe yourself? Take some time to think about who you are instead of who she is. She appears to have a lot of the power between the two of you so take some of your power back. Focus on what you like about yourself as a man and as a human being and once you start regaining a sense of self you will be able to look at her with a more ob<x>jective eye. Peace,D

I'm in a similar spot. I'm 27, my husband is 26. I talked to him, threatened to leave him && he swore it would change. Tonight we were supposedto have sex (since our talk, he's been " sick" every night. So, why am I on here posting? Because my husband is asleep. No excuse, no apology...nothing. He came to bed, turned around and fell asleep. Intimacy is love, I say we both deserve better than our spouses. Good luck!

Possible reasons i can think of:<br />
1. you are incompetent or selfish in terms of sex.<br />
2. She is depressed or on medication, etc <br />
3. No passion, a turnoff, no romance, growth, BORING <br />
4. lack of communication.<br />
5. Timing for sex is bad.<br />
6. Cheating <br />
7. lack of self esteem, self confidence etc. in bed or to divorce<br />
8. Resents herself for not having sex with other men before and fear that you will be the last man she'll ever have the pleasure of having sex with.<br />
9. its a secret ( she cant tell you)<br />
10. its you, not her.<br />
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when you figure it out, dont forget to help others in similar situation. Also, sex is an issue for most couples and i read somewhere that some couples make schedule for sex. now, whether it is the build up for whats to come or for lack of time, idk. maybe you could try it. Relationships that last are not built overnight or even 3 yrs and try to focus on the positive.

i don't like nor dislike him.

"I just don't want to look back at 80 years old and regret my life."<br />
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That sums it up. I'd cut this out and tape it to your mirror, your computer screen, your car dashboard - anywhere that helps you focus on what you want. <br />
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I'm afraid it sounds like you're sexually incompatible, and if it's important to you, it will consume you, resentment will build and your self esteem will plummet. Her reasons are hers and they don't likely have anything to do with you. The hard part about this stuff is often the refuser has no idea why s/he doesn't want intimacy and it's a long, difficult road to uncover those whys. Once you uncover them, they may not be reconcilable.<br />
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So, keep reading. You will find the answer that best suits you. You are a young man with a full life ahead of you. I agree, it's better to live your life without regret.

Well you are exactly right. She always tells me she doesn't know why she doesn't want to be intimate. It is something she says she doesn't even think about. According to her it is the furthest thing from her mind all the time. Needless to say, my position is a little different. It had gotten to the point that I am obsessed with sex. Being a guy, I guess I'm genetically engineered to think about it constantly, but it almost seems unnatural how much it is on my mind. I had decided I wouldn't pressure her anymore since it did no good and all it did was make each of us feel worse. She says she feels bad for always turning me down (obviously not bad enough to change) and me for being rejected. I just feel it is easier on my emotions if I just don't even try. It's now to the point that I wouldn't even know how to make a move if I wanted. I guess I'm just a little tired of being so close to someone while being so impossibly far from them.

You probably aren't outside the range of normal of sexual desire, but you may be thinking about it more because it's being denied in a relationship where sex should be a normal and healthy part of it.

You are right. You have been baited and switched. Except you didn't even get much taste of the bait. <br />
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Stop giving her excuses about job stress. Sex people find stress relief in sex. Non-sex folks find sex additionally stressful. Therein lies your basic problem.<br />
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If you tell her that you're thinking of leaving if this doesn't resolve - you MUST take control of the BC. Wear a condom. Do not have a child in this marriage until this is successfully resolved. <br />
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I don't want you to look back after 5, 10, or 50 years and regret. Sometimes we love people who can't give us what we need.

" there are no is nothing holding me back from getting out other than the fact that I love my wife".<br />
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Well buddy, you have it made in the shade. As long as you don't fall for the old "lets have a kid" caper.<br />
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The fact that you love your wife will cease to be a problem real soon (if in fact you are not there already). You will get to resent the **** out of her. And, then you can get out.<br />
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Now it would be 'better', to manage your way out NOW, whilst there still is some mutual regard. You don't need any more enemies in this world, so an amicable split would be way better than a resentful bitter split.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Whoa...deja vu. Hasn't this been posted just recently?