I Am So Nervous, Part 2.

My in-laws showed up about mid-morning. When they came in, they did not acknowledge me in any way.  No hellos.  My MIL didn't even look at me.  I sat in the living room with them and my husband.  I talked a bit here and there, and my FIL seemed a bit warmer to me than my MIL.  My MIL only looked at me a few times, and only when I said something. 

They were here for two reasons - 1) to attend a wedding, and 2) to pick up our son.  They stayed for about an hour, maybe less, and went off to the wedding.  They would return in the afternoon to get our son.  My husband went off to work, so when they returned, he wasn't here.  But when they came back the second time, they were more engaging.  No hugs or anything, but more talkative.  Probably because my husband wasn't here and they didn't have a choice.  ha. 

So the first meeting was tense, but I participated as much as I thought necessary in the conversations.  It wasn't horrible, but at times I felt like crying. 
MissLee MissLee
46-50, F
13 Responses Aug 5, 2012


MissLee -- *hugs

MissLee, I am a people pleaser too. No one has ever thought badly of me. No one has ever called me a *****. I have never been rude or sarcastic to anyone. I am known for my honesty & integrity. These are qualities I have been proud of. Unfortunately, divorce changes that. There WILL be people who ont like you now. They WILL think unkind thoughts & may be angry at you. There is nothing you can do about it!! You cant control others, only yourself. Keep you head held high! YOU deserve to be happy!!

You've upset mummy's little boy. When i was arguing with my missus i experienced a similiar scenario. Mum could not stand her. <br />
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Stay Strong

Oh, ML, I'm so sorry this went down like that. I was hoping that your fears about them were unfounded, and that they'd treat you with affection as always. <br />
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Sorry that I was wrong, but proud of you for dealing with it so well. And I think you did awesomely well!

You're doing great...really great.<br />
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I think often the hardest part of such situations is anticipation. So often, the real thing isn't half as bad as what we imagine. <br />
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I don't think they know how to act. They've never been through anything like this before. It will get better, but you must be the one to reach out and continue the relationship. They don't know what to do. They will come around - it's just a matter of time.

Glad you made it through! Inlaws can be the worst sometimes. You are the better person. My mother inlaw works for the devil. I'm sure of it. I'll be glad when I have to deal with her less.

Hey, remember I said it was awkward for me. I can identify with the way they reacted. On the one hand, their kith-and-kin was in the room and despite what you might privately think of your blood relatives you instinctively don't want to alienate them, at least any more than they are alienated already.<br />
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So, when he is not there they can afford the luxury of being more open. They can afford to relax a bit more. They don't have to worry about upsetting him, even unintentionally. At least that is how it has been for me. Over time I have become more confident in being more open and even-handed with my brother's ex, even in his presence, especially since I think he has carried on the sulk for far too long, even just looking at it purely from his self-interest perspective.<br />
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Maybe they became more effusive because they had no choice, but that would not be the most generous way to look at it, even from the perspective of being more generous to yourself. The question I would ask is, did they seem relieved? Did they seem to eventually welcome the opportunity to talk?<br />
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Try to see it in a more positive light. Indulge yourself, even if it might not be true. It's a long road ahead after all. If you can try to be positive and magnanimous it sort of forces them to be too, unless they are out-an-out sh1ts and from the sound of it they don't appear to be like that. That is what my ex-sister-in-law did and more kudos to her for doing so.

To be generous, it may be that they were more engaging when your husband wasn't there because they feel that being kind to you is being disloyal to him. When he's not there it's not so much of a problem but their earlier behaviour makes it awkward. <br />
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Why not write them a letter saying that you always valued the relationship between you and them - that there are reasons why things are strained between H and yourself, but you hope for the sake of the grandkids things will be better. <br />
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But maybe not... my FIL, for one, can't seem to see me as an individual.

I appreciate the feedback, everyone. I get very stressed about what others think of me, and I really shouldn't. As my mom says, it's a reflection on them, not me.

I do the same :( It's a horrible thing and I wish I could just nail the negative feelings :(

Stick with it, Ms. Lee. It's awkward at first, I am sure. Things ARE different and it takes some time to figure out if there are new "rules", and if so, what they are. Not surprised that MIL is more defensive than FIL; you have sons...they are your babies...no matter how old they are.

Are you 'happy' about the kid going off with them ??<br />
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I get the distinct feeling that you ain't, but basing any comment on that is assuming facts not in evidence.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Oh yes I am, for sure comfortable with it. Our kids have been going to grandpa and grandma's house every summer. It started when they were potty trained, and they'd go for 2-3 weeks. Our older son is out of the country, so just the 18 year old will be going for a week.

I'm sorry. If and when (and I feel when is coming sooner than later) it's going to be hard with the inlaws. My inlaws do a lot for us. They are our babysitters. I have no idea how that's going to pan out. I talk to then quite frequently. I have a feeling that my facebook friend list will be decreased dramatically.