I Live In a Sexless Marriage
Hi all,
Have not posted in a while, but come back often enough to read stories so I feel less lonely, thanks for that.
A recap. I have been with my boyfriend for over four and half years. Tuesday will make two years and eight months since we have attempted to have sex or been intimate in Amy way, except for some sloppy kisses and public back running and hands on my thigh. Always dropped home with no affection. I have talked about it, screamed about it, begged, been silent, gotten all tarted up, nothing. He says he loves me and I believe he does but he isn't attracted to me, no matter what he says.
My boyfriend is much older than me and in the beginning it was great. I was suffering from bad bouts of panic and he made me feel safe. With his help and (mostly) my work with a therapist, I got past the panic and dealt with the issues underlying it, and now my agoraphobia is nonexistent, and I just got back for working in Europe for a few months. I travelled, met people and had a great time, so much so that I didn't want to come back. Been home about a month now and getting back into my old life has been hard, it's like it is too tight for me somehow. For some time now the tight grip he had on me that once I found so safe and comforting before now feels like a prison or a vice grip.
Since I've been back again I have told him about it and that I want him to come up (we don't live together, my choice) to my apt so we can cuddle and make love, but he would rather get drink every weekend and the he is "too tired" or his knees, back, head, hair is hurting, some other time. But some other time never comes.
I am a big girl, that's true, but I'm beautiful and have a nice shape. Men around me are gaga for me. That's not narcissitic at all, it is what it is. I live in a place where being big is revered and found attractive and skinny women get almost no attention at all. But I have started working with a Nutritionist and a trainer and am down almost 19 pounds since I've been back, so that makes me feel better, but with exercise comes lowered stress and increased libido.
Now I don't want him anymore. I resent being constantly rejected. I was a virgin when we met but we have only had sex five times, and it has never been good. It caused him some bruising as Things were so...small on my side. So I can see maybe that it isn't interesting for him if he thinks it will hurt. But it cannot be normal to love someone to pieces and not ever sleep or even touch them. I have begged him to get to a doctor to get hormone tests. To get his various painful body parts looked at. Over the years i have had long hair short hair, dressed up, lost weight, gained weight, dressed down, worn conservative or low cut clothing. Nothing works.
I want to break it off. I am afraid of his temper a bit. It is palpable when he is angry. But I'm more afraid of what his life will be without me since he is a bit antisocial and has built his world around me and alcohol. His birthday is coming up and he wants to go on a vacation for five days and I cannot stomach the thought of being trapped babysitting him while he drinks himself into a stupor every day. He drinks a case of beer a day. This is not a life I want. He won't travel and wouldn't visit me while I was working in Europe.
So my question to you, EP family, is why is it so hard for me to break up with someone who isn't right for me? Why is it so hard to leave? I have no financial dependence, so what gives?
Any help as to how to break up with him that might quell any violence would be a great help. I wait with baited breath.
Have not posted in a while, but come back often enough to read stories so I feel less lonely, thanks for that.
A recap. I have been with my boyfriend for over four and half years. Tuesday will make two years and eight months since we have attempted to have sex or been intimate in Amy way, except for some sloppy kisses and public back running and hands on my thigh. Always dropped home with no affection. I have talked about it, screamed about it, begged, been silent, gotten all tarted up, nothing. He says he loves me and I believe he does but he isn't attracted to me, no matter what he says.
My boyfriend is much older than me and in the beginning it was great. I was suffering from bad bouts of panic and he made me feel safe. With his help and (mostly) my work with a therapist, I got past the panic and dealt with the issues underlying it, and now my agoraphobia is nonexistent, and I just got back for working in Europe for a few months. I travelled, met people and had a great time, so much so that I didn't want to come back. Been home about a month now and getting back into my old life has been hard, it's like it is too tight for me somehow. For some time now the tight grip he had on me that once I found so safe and comforting before now feels like a prison or a vice grip.
Since I've been back again I have told him about it and that I want him to come up (we don't live together, my choice) to my apt so we can cuddle and make love, but he would rather get drink every weekend and the he is "too tired" or his knees, back, head, hair is hurting, some other time. But some other time never comes.
I am a big girl, that's true, but I'm beautiful and have a nice shape. Men around me are gaga for me. That's not narcissitic at all, it is what it is. I live in a place where being big is revered and found attractive and skinny women get almost no attention at all. But I have started working with a Nutritionist and a trainer and am down almost 19 pounds since I've been back, so that makes me feel better, but with exercise comes lowered stress and increased libido.
Now I don't want him anymore. I resent being constantly rejected. I was a virgin when we met but we have only had sex five times, and it has never been good. It caused him some bruising as Things were so...small on my side. So I can see maybe that it isn't interesting for him if he thinks it will hurt. But it cannot be normal to love someone to pieces and not ever sleep or even touch them. I have begged him to get to a doctor to get hormone tests. To get his various painful body parts looked at. Over the years i have had long hair short hair, dressed up, lost weight, gained weight, dressed down, worn conservative or low cut clothing. Nothing works.
I want to break it off. I am afraid of his temper a bit. It is palpable when he is angry. But I'm more afraid of what his life will be without me since he is a bit antisocial and has built his world around me and alcohol. His birthday is coming up and he wants to go on a vacation for five days and I cannot stomach the thought of being trapped babysitting him while he drinks himself into a stupor every day. He drinks a case of beer a day. This is not a life I want. He won't travel and wouldn't visit me while I was working in Europe.
So my question to you, EP family, is why is it so hard for me to break up with someone who isn't right for me? Why is it so hard to leave? I have no financial dependence, so what gives?
Any help as to how to break up with him that might quell any violence would be a great help. I wait with baited breath.
By:
TroubleInDeCamp
Age:
31-35
,
Female
