First Small Step

I feel a small empowerment. I don't like doing things by myself, but since I moved away from my home town when we got married, I find I have to. The friends I have here are not always available to just hang out. It has become apparant that my husband doesn't want to do ANYTHING with me. He often leaves the house and I will have to call or text him to see where he has gone. I told him that I might like to go with him sometimes and wish he would at least ask me. Tonight I decided to go out on my own. A big step for me. I realized that I used to be this very independant person and that I let that go. I still was in some things but when you will sit at home because you don't have anyone to go do something with, well I was letting my independance go. So tonight I went out. I went and picked up some things for my sons bathroom remodel, went to eat a hamburger. (I ate in the car but still better than before and I will work up to eating alone inside.) I didn't want to go home and face the silence so I went to Barnes and Noble and read for about an hour. I found some good self improvement books to help me get started on my new path. When I got home he was checking the window to see if I was home. I came in sat my stuff down and went and sat out front in the garden. Something I often ask him to do with me. I didn't ask him, I just went. He came out for a few minutes. He said, "So what did I do?" I said, "I am just preparing to live my life alone since that seems to be what I am going to have to do." I kind of felt like I had a break through as well. Every time I diet I will do well until a certain point. Then it is like I sabotage myself. I kept trying to figure out the trigger so I could stop. I feel like I finally get it. Every time he rejects me I feel ugly and unattractive. I don't feel like I am worth anything and getting thin and having him reject me would mean he really didn't love me. See now I can give him an out with my weight. We met when I was thin so I know deep down that he just isn't attracted to me. When we first got married I found an email he sent a girl who had a crush on him and he said that he didn't know why he married me because I was not the type he was attracted to. It hurt but he excused it away and I wanted to believe him. Now I realize that was the only time he told the truth. So I have learned a few things and I am trying to begin the things to live my life and be happy with or without him. Wednesday I am going to a movie I have been waiting tocome out by myself. I told him I wanted to see it and his reaction told me I wasn't going to with him, so I have decided that I will just go alone and enjoy it. I am going to have to learn to start liking me agai and learn to spend time in my own company so that some day I will be able to move on without him and be happy with me. Thanks for letting me vent it out. Just knowing I am not alone helps but makes me sad too.
iwantmore2 iwantmore2 41-45, F 9 Responses Aug 6, 2012

Your Response


"It has become apparant that my husband doesn't want to do ANYTHING with me. "

From your previous story:

" I stay with the sexless guy who treats me well otherwise? "

The following may not be exactly the same as your situation, but it reminds me of it. This is a response by ILIASM member PinkBerry to a story posted here long ago, and I save it because in a lot of cases this is 100% accurate:

"He does sound like a good person. But committed, hard working, and honest is the way I describe my friends, many of my neighbors, and my mailman too. What does that have to do with the rest of this? He doesn't need to be a terrible ogre who beats you senseless in order to be a bad or not nice person.

Let's get back to the most important fact here. He gets angry with you when you express your need for sex. There is no way to justify this. He is attempting to bully you into not saying anything. Why? Because when you say it, it probably evokes some level of bad feelings or guilt on his part and he may also feel it implies that he must take action to correct it. Neither of these is comfortable for him and rather than find a solution that suits both of you, he chooses to bully you, make you feel bad, and ignore your pleas for affection in order to maintain his own comfort.

Yup, he sounds swell!"

I have had much time lately to really examine the relationship. I think that I felt like he treated me well because I can shop and he doesn't say anything. If I tell him I want to persue something he is supportive (though now I wonder if it just because it will occupy my time away from him. :-) ) He is good to my son and he was good to my daughter before she died. He doesn't talk mean to me. He just ignores me. He will say hello and goodnight, but I am the one who holds his hand, or hugs him. I was thinking about our rare date nights. realize how sad they are. Dinner where we only talk about kids or work or nothing at all, movies where we sit side by side not touching watching a screen and Barnes and Noble where we both goour own way and meet up later. He is a handsome man who is very active. I see him interact with strangers more than he does with me. I used to consider him my best friend but I don't think we even have that anymore. He is emotionally unavailable. My first husband was physically unavailable. I need to examine how I choose the men I choose.

You may also find that it's easier if you join in a structured group activity. Like a painting class or a walking group or whatever. If you sign up, it can 'force' you to keep doing a fun activity on your own, but not by yourself. I suggest yoga.

You're right on track, dear.

Once you begin to value yourself, his behaviors will become less and less acceptable.

Can't wait to see your next post, you're already demonstrating great progress :)

Once you cultivate the habit of caring for yourself, of placing a high value on your wants and needs, of looking at yourself and really believing you possess high social capital, your entire mindset will change.

Your ascent to living a higher quality of life will not be linear, you might lose a foothold every once in a while, but as each day passes you WILL ascend a tiny bit even if it doesn't feel like it.

Once you reach a certain mental altitude you will then naturally seek out people (and attract people) who add, and not subtract, value to your life. You will also distance yourself from those folks who currently subtract value to your life - and that sometimes includes spouses.

It does get easier...but first, it gets harder too. You have to move through it. There is no way over, under or around. But once you get through, it gets easier.

This is good. I've never minded doing stuff by myself, but often hobbled myself by waiting around thinking I should be doing stuff with HIM. Like a typical passive-agressive he was often late, delayed things so that stuff I wanted to do wasn't possible, etc. On mother's day this year, I said I want to do x, y, z. He didn't want to so started dragging his feet. I told him I was going do something with my son if he didn't get ready - he didn't. So I just went. Another time, I said I'm leaving at x time and he can make a choice and he decided to go. Now I prefer doing things just with my son. Yesterday my boy and I had an amazing day that just wouldn't have been possible because of my husband's whining and foot-dragging, complaining, PA and general malaise.

Has your H been married before? I think I might've been married to him.

Nope.I guess he couldn't find anyone more foolish than me.

elk that is a good way to do it ....set a time..... and if he isnt ready to go, you leave ...

You have started the self-preparation for...

...whatever, anything. That is soo good!

A process that was interrupted when you got married and that you now intend to complete.


once you get use to doing things alone you all most perfer it

And you will not wait around for anyone else again (unless they are WORTH the wait) - you will just DO.

If you start making choices based on YOUR best interests (and I hope you do), you WILL shift this dynamic. Because you are no longer 'follower' / 'victim' but are rather the 'driver'.

The controller / refuser inevitably finds this turn of events most uncomfortable, and for the most part - being "one trick ponies" will escalate their attempts to regain control of the situation (ie, to re-control YOU).

If you continue to make choices based on YOUR best interests, you will flush out the truth of your co-habitation. It probably won't be a pretty picture.

I suggest that you keep making choices based on YOUR best interests. Read Msdamgoodes story. She started on this path in about April. See where she is now.

Tread your own path.