First Small Step
I feel a small empowerment. I don't like doing things by myself, but since I moved away from my home town when we got married, I find I have to. The friends I have here are not always available to just hang out. It has become apparant that my husband doesn't want to do ANYTHING with me. He often leaves the house and I will have to call or text him to see where he has gone. I told him that I might like to go with him sometimes and wish he would at least ask me. Tonight I decided to go out on my own. A big step for me. I realized that I used to be this very independant person and that I let that go. I still was in some things but when you will sit at home because you don't have anyone to go do something with, well I was letting my independance go. So tonight I went out. I went and picked up some things for my sons bathroom remodel, went to eat a hamburger. (I ate in the car but still better than before and I will work up to eating alone inside.) I didn't want to go home and face the silence so I went to Barnes and Noble and read for about an hour. I found some good self improvement books to help me get started on my new path. When I got home he was checking the window to see if I was home. I came in sat my stuff down and went and sat out front in the garden. Something I often ask him to do with me. I didn't ask him, I just went. He came out for a few minutes. He said, "So what did I do?" I said, "I am just preparing to live my life alone since that seems to be what I am going to have to do." I kind of felt like I had a break through as well. Every time I diet I will do well until a certain point. Then it is like I sabotage myself. I kept trying to figure out the trigger so I could stop. I feel like I finally get it. Every time he rejects me I feel ugly and unattractive. I don't feel like I am worth anything and getting thin and having him reject me would mean he really didn't love me. See now I can give him an out with my weight. We met when I was thin so I know deep down that he just isn't attracted to me. When we first got married I found an email he sent a girl who had a crush on him and he said that he didn't know why he married me because I was not the type he was attracted to. It hurt but he excused it away and I wanted to believe him. Now I realize that was the only time he told the truth. So I have learned a few things and I am trying to begin the things to live my life and be happy with or without him. Wednesday I am going to a movie I have been waiting tocome out by myself. I told him I wanted to see it and his reaction told me I wasn't going to with him, so I have decided that I will just go alone and enjoy it. I am going to have to learn to start liking me agai and learn to spend time in my own company so that some day I will be able to move on without him and be happy with me. Thanks for letting me vent it out. Just knowing I am not alone helps but makes me sad too.