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The Difficult Conversation

I chose my moment.

'I need to have a conversation with you. Two months ago I told you that we could not go on like this, not talking, not touching, me just looking after the children and sharing the house with you. 

In fact two years ago after marriage counselling I told you I wanted a divorce and you said that you would do anything/everything to make things better.

You have done nothing.  As far as I am concerned this marriage is now over.  We are friends, but there is no married relationship left. There is nothing to try and save.'

What did he say?  'I hear what you say.' He said nothing further.

Then five minutes later he spoke to me about what I am cooking for dinner this evening.   All very pleasant and 'normal'.  As though the earlier conversation did not take place.  Fine.

So as far as I am concerned the above conversation (in fact it was a monologue) makes me free to do as I please.  I initially plan to head off down to get legal advice etc.  Separation and divorce will be done at my own pace.

He seems happy to ignore everything, as long as I take care of him and the children.  Well, that is okay for now, it suits me to do that.  But it won't suit me forever.

The marriage is over.  I am okay and will move on with my life.

Payne



NewBeginnings2468 NewBeginnings2468 41-45, F 12 Responses Aug 7, 2012

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It sounds as if you honestly and consistently communicated your wishes to your husband, without any deception or betrayal occurring -- contrary to what most of the coconuts on this chat board recommend. Sometimes people just grow apart, or want different things. You should move to get a divorce with maturity and dignity, if that is what you opt for. Don't hold grudges or be hateful.<br />
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Do recognize that all actions have consequences, including any impact on children involved. This makes it all the more important that you handle this with dignity. Divorce, regardless of whether it is justified or not, will markedly affect them, not only now but for the rest of their lives (including their future relationships with their partners). <br />
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Also recognize that the grass isn't always greener. Life may get better, but that is not necessarily a given. You are best placed to assess this.<br />
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Good luck to you and your family.

Thank you AmericaninHongKong.

I think life will get better, but first it is going to get an awful lot worse.

But eventually I will no longer be sitting in a stagnant shallow pond, I will be embracing the ebbs and flows of the ocean.

Being free (or even more free), creates hope and opportunity.

what will you DO <br />
get to the drawing board dear !

I am going to get LAID that is what I am going to do. And soon

Sorry he did not listen/care/ can't do it. All the more power to you

It is no skin off his nose at this point - because at this point nothing is changing, and he is absolutely fine with nothing changing.<br />
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His position will change, when your actions actually threaten things staying as they are, and he perceives that his world is going to change. The true colours tend to come out then and it is rarely a pretty sight.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Payne, you deserve so much more and it sounds like you realize that. Ive lived the life you're living now. Ive been married for over 16 years and miserable fir at least the last 12. I regret not leaving sooner....just like you I knew in my heart I wouldn't give him a lifetime. <br />
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I'm working myself out of my shell of a marriage now. And I feel so excited and free. Always remember you need to be with someone who brings out the best in you. Not someone who takes it away.<br />
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I wish you luck onyour journey- wherever that may take you.

I'm so sorry, PayneLineD. I know that when these things are posed, we hope suddenly our spouse will stand up and fight, or feel pain, or show any sign of life. It sounds like there isn't --not even an impetus to justify. Either that, or he isn't getting what that means, or he thinks it means precisely nothing - as in there will be no consequence that affects him or the way he needs to think about the two of you.

On the plus side, it seems that his response at least has illuminated his indifference. Now the ball goes back to your court. You can either test his indifference with an immediate consequence and see what happens, or you can accept his indifference, and proceed with dismantling your lives together so you can make room for new.

What could he really say? <br />
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Refusers buy time, bit by bit. <br />
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It is not uncommon for the refusers to stay in denial when the end is near. After all, how long did we put up with their b.s.? Years....sometimes decades....So, he is probably hoping that you won't act on your words and stay. <br />
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The fact that he didn't try to buy more time with more false promises is actually far more respectful then his past behavior of making promises he can't keep. <br />
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Refusers are a sad group. It is easier for me to have compassion now that I am out. But, looking back, I see how pathetic and desperate their lives and situations really are....Often, they just don't have the capacity for intimacy. They are often plagued with abuse histories, sexual identity issues, shame, OCD or anxiety disorders. And, while the refused may feel completely disempowered during the marriage, the refuser loses total power once we no longer allow them to dictate us into forced celibacy. For many refusers, it isn't that they won't change or don't want to...they simply can't. I remember the resignation with my ex when he sensed I was really leaving. He knew that it is was beyond unrealistic for me to stay. In his moments of honesty, he often wondered how I could have stayed so long....<br />
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It is just a sad situation all around. Remember, his inability for intimacy isn't about you.

Do you think that was all that there was to it, "When are you going to feed me?" Maybe so. I don't know what I might say if I were in a similar pickle. "Nice day for a divorce"? There's not much you can say is there at the very end of the end, when you know that there is no more road left.<br />
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I guess you probably always knew that the impetus for whatever was always yours and yours alone. Your impetus to try to beat life into a corpse. Your impetus to give it a decent burial. Some people can live with mediocrity for ever, it seems.<br />
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I guess the final realisation has to be a bit depressing to you too, even though you've known it was coming for a long time.<br />
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I am glad that you are okay with it but would also appreciate it if you were upset by it, even now. Why shouldn't you, it would be appropriate. I hope you continue to be a passionate and compassionate woman. It would be a travesty if the experience deprived you of that.<br />
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Time to pack up your old kit bags and smile, smile, smile.

The reason I am not upset is because I knew his reaction would be like this.

they are so closed off in their own heads that their hearts have shut down. Mine is kind in every way. Except sex. We have talked it to death. And finally i told him i would never again ask for his physical attention. Since then he is almost killing me with the lovey ****. Hugs, hand holding, even came to sit with me on the couch. But still NO SEX.

Better give it to him in writing. He didn't hear you. <br />
When you actually take action for separation, he will claim it's "out of the blue" and you gave him no notice of any problems. <br />
Believe me.

Yeah I know this might be a consequence, but the last time I put something in writing, he couldn't even be bothered to read it.

I hope you get a great settlement!<br />
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You gave him plenty of chances, now you will make him pay.

Gah. <br />
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"I hear what you say" - and don't give a flying rat's ventricle for it. That's one of my least favorite phrases, a hot button for me.<br />
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I'm very sorry that you've wasted your time, yet at least you made the offer to him, even though he clearly hasn't accepted that offer. As you say, move on. You nominally have a superficially friendly ba<x>se on which to do so, probably best to keep it that way as you untie the tangled string.

Yes, more about the "I" than any empathy.