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How Can I Survive A Sexless Marriage For The Sake Of Our Kids

I have been in a sexless marriage now for four years! Prior to meeting my husband I had been single and a career girl who enjoyed sex immensely. We got married very shortly after meeting and sex was great to start with then my husband would say I think that trying to have kids it became a bit too planned. We have two fabulous kids but no sex for four years. When I have tried to bring this up in the past he seems reluctant to talk about it but when he eventually did he said it was not the bee all and the end all. Over this time it seems to come to boiling point with me about every six months but the argument now ends with him saying that I never seem to jump his bones but when I have suggested sex etc he never seems interested so to have him reject me would devastate me. Sex is always on my mind and after a row today (not related to sex) but it is always on my mind I am considering just telling him that I am going to consider an extra marital affair. Don't want to split up as we have young children and they are my priority. We are like two friends bringing up kids. No kissing, touching etc. I get a peck and a hug occasionally but am very angry as I never signed up to be his mother. Comments pl
sorrystateofaffairs sorrystateofaffairs 46-50 24 Responses Aug 7, 2012

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"him saying that I never seem to jump his bones but when I have suggested sex etc he never seems interested so to have him reject me would devastate me."

Jump his bones. If he says no, tell him you don't care and keep jumping those bones. Show dogged determination and perseverance. Don't give up. Assume he is playing "hard to get". If you still don't get anywhere, (pardon me for being graphic), mount him like a horny puppy dog and use him to help **********. Or ********** right in front of him. I would think this would get most human men going.

I got to this point with my wife. She was in the kitchen, doing who knows what, I was talking to her about my needs for sex and just started taking my clothes off. Once I was naked, I started ************, right in front of her. I said if she wouldn't participate, there was no reason why I couldn't.

She ran away and locked herself on the bathroom!

While that episode might appear to have been a total failure, she has subsequently initiated lovemaking on two separate occasions. Meaning instead of lovemaking every three years , we are now up to twice a year.

I think she is closer to understanding, but still has a long way to go.

Hope this helps.

My wife is constantly turning me down and I hate it. For once I would lie for her to be the one initiate it

i totally understand. sex shouldn't have to always be up to the refused. my hubby once mentioned why I didn't initiate sex anymore - haha - conveniently he doesn't remember rejecting me over and over and over and over again. <br />
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so I TOTALLY feel ur pain

Hi folks thanks again for your comments why are there so many of us!!! I don't really confined in my friends for the simple reason we socialise in couples so I feel as though that wd be disloyal to him. The party was at his request he said he wanted one as he hadn't had one for his 40th I gave him our first child five days before his 40th the best present we could both have. No he wanted a party and I made sure he agreed everything I researched all the bands, caterers, venues, invitations etc. (apart from the surprise elements) so there would be no chance he would criticise me afterwards!!! Yes you're right about the flowers he got me for our anniversary but he just held them out there was no love in his eyes it was as if he did it because it was expected of him! Came to bed last night early he was on his computer as usual!!! feel really awkward about initiating sex as hinted at it before and got rejected! The difference is guys a woman can lie back and have sex if a man isn't aroused need I say more! We went to bed not speaking and it's quiet this morning too so probably best we don't speak and he's off at the weekend!

Thanks everyone for your comments I feel as though I am living in a bubble! This weekend I arranged a fantastic bday party for him and entertained some friends and family (from overseas) all weekend! We had a band and the party was fabulous I had a great cake a funny slideshow and I went to such a lot of effort in the hope of trying to show him how much I think of him and had hoped it would rekindle something! He said a quick thanks at the party but friends were amazed and said I bet he is really pleased but I now I'm thinking why did I bother!!! Just in the midst of getting the house back to normal and I mentioned something about a towel that had bleach on it from one of the guests and he started arguing!! I was only mentioning it!!! He said I was being nasty but he was talking over me and wouldn't let me try to explain anything. Thanks for that you utter arrogant piece of dirt!!!!

That sounds like a hard day. A few weeks back he bought you flowers. I feel like you guys are still trying, the spark is there.

I get the rejection part - but your man is asking for you to initiate. Right or wrong here are some thoughts to ponder but not post an answer to necessarily:

What does initiate mean to you? and more importantly to him. My wife would say she initiates - but in my mind she becomes willing or available. Sort of like Wal-Mart being open versus closed. The whole thing screams "I am willing to do my duty- and might even like it - if it is over quickly." - this is a death circle for men.

Men Lie. Like a lot - so when he rejects you do not stop, make him feel you want him- for you, not him, that you will do all the work because you crave him like no other for your own reasons.

I see all the things you do for him. And some I woudl really appreciate as did many men at your party for example. Guess what? He doesn't give a crud about them. How do I "know"? Because your sex life is off the rails. Suggest you think on what he needs and wants from you - not on what you think he should (or even what he shoudl if he is pissed off -- all that crud needs to be peeled back). It is a huge mistake to think people, even your spouse, should love you for what you do. They love you when you do things they love in sum.

If you are biting at each other it is because he is no longer willing to accept things you do he woudl have historically ignored - back when your life was on the rails. They are just excuses to lash out - you were off the rails before the biting - find out what that sum of issues is.

I read posts and listen in group to folks talk about how nice they are and how they do all sorts of wonderful things. They make the mistake of assuming their value system is also their partner's. Consider this - maybe hub did not want that party- and maybe even for irrational reasons. Still, if so, your grand effort hurt him and hurt you.

When he talked over you - what was he saying? could you hear him?

Finally "not the be all end all " needs very specific clarification. Have him give details of his deepest thoughts- so very hard to discuss for men - especially to the mother of their children. It is a messed up thing but still true for many men.

To be honest i understand more than you know. I have kids too that i will not abandon or just walk out on. But sadly i have fallen out of love and i truly believe a man and a woman can not have a great relationship without intimacy. I realize now that if I am to keep my sanity. I must also have an affair while still married. For me there is no other choice until the kids are grown. There is no better feeling in this world than a woman's touch. Looks and size be damned! The intimacy is priceless. Satisfying your lover is an incredible feeling. I hope we both find that!

Thanks for your responses I should say it's quite comforting to know there are so many of us but actually it is quite depressing. It was our wedding anniversary this week he bought me a huge bunch of flowers (although I am going away with the kids for a week so won't get to see them but at least he thought of it) he got me a card, I got him one too and thought about if I would give it to him but I did. We went out to dinner with the kids who made and gave us over dinner the most beautiful card and so that's it isn;t it really. It's holding it together for them to try and give them a stable home life in which they can flourish as I made the decision to marry this man and don't feel I should be putting them through hell for my mistake. If you saw us together in a group we are the life and sole of the party we function together socially but when we are on our own we have nothing in common and as I was married briefly in my twenties have had numerous conversations about not falling into the trap of taking each other for granted. suggested Cooking meals for each other. Planning a night out every other month etc. but as it's always me coming up with t e ideas and not much from him so I can't now be bothered. I would dearly love to just bump into an old flame and have meaningless sex so I can compartmentalise my boring marriage and gain some equilibrium but putting weight on since the kids has knocked some of my confidence. And no don't think the weight thing is his problem as he is overweight too. I just feel very sad that when we married over 10 years ago I was so happy and saw a bright and wonderful future now when I look at him I feel nothing but sadness. Not a crier but feel very weepy tonight.

There are so many uncaring, ignorant and stpid men out there sometimes I hate my fellow men.

The affair would be very satisfying. I can tell you the kissing and touching is incredible. The passion released is mind blowing. The more you are denied all the more you will obsess about it. If and when you finally go for the affair you will share release like you have never known... Then the hammer drops. Because once the sex is over it's over. Suddenly the guilt will flood your mind where the passion once raged. The obsession complete you will think about your children, your husband and a thousand other reasons why you will never do it again. Yet a week or two later as the pressure builds you will do it again. You will realize the risk, the betral, the hurt and deep cutting pain you will cause if caught. Yet your needs are there you can no longer deny them. So here you are reaching out for help. I speak from experiance because this happened to me. Dont let it happen to you. Find a support group or know what you are getting into because once you jump its a long ways down. It may not be worth it. I sincerly wish you all the best. There really is no easy way out. Peace

Unfortunately the pleasure you get from having sex and the release can't be bought from the shop in a bottle or that would be an alternative. (believe me I've even looked into herbal replacements). I think that having an affair or a fling would being the situation to the fore either I'll be able to juggle it alongside my other life or it will give me the push to actually do something. Thanks again. .

Anastasia and elkclan are spot on as far as I am concerned. The decision to have an affair is a big switch in your head. Once in that life you risk seeing what intimacy really feels like. And what then? You are in a terrible place then. If it ends, tears. If not, tears. The nuance of Elkclans input is in finding a lover that serves certain voids in your life but does not set your inner soul on fire. that has some merit but even then you live in place in which you can not fix your M and have nowhere to go.

I read stories like this and I think 'oh she should just leave...she's too young to be putting up with this, life is too short etc'. But the reality is i'm in the same situation and cannot apply my own advice to myself because its not that easy. I wouldn't recommend telling him you're considering having an affair. Firstly you haven't had one yet and why put that stuff in his head? It won't help whatever you are hoping to achieve. I know how hard it is to do the day to day parenting with a person who is more like a buddy than a spouse. Best advice I got on EP was to just go out and focus on you, go do stuff for yourself, join the gym, get a part time job, improve yourself and do whatever it takes to make you happy within the situation you have until you are ready to go. Because sadly most of us, at some point, will go.

Maby he is gay?

I have asked him this question and he takes it badly but how do you know?

I too have been married for almost 14 years,and I also have two beautiful children. And i live in a totally sexless marriage. I feel the only time we have sex is when he has been drinking. Which is almost every six months, and when it dose happen it is all about him being satisfied, never me. It is to the point that i'm considering getting a DIVORCE. I believe I have the right to be happy and i'm not!!!! And i would divorce him rather than to cheat on him. Am i being selfish? Am I the only one who is going through something like this? Sometimes i think so!!!!

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all meet up, all us unhappy people who just want a normal life? Sadly all of you are in the States and I'm here in rainy England. Let's all keep emailling and hopefully one of us will come up with a solution where we can all be happy. x

You are not necessarily doing your kids any favours by staying, and modelling what you are modelling for them as a marital example.<br />
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A story "You Pay Now - The Kids Can Pay Later" might be worth a read for you.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Exactly - you are the mom role and you supposed to know what he wants when he wants it and miraculously fulfill. Four years needs no excuses. You have children so its very very good that you want a working friendship with him. I would not ordinarily say this but I hope you meet someone that understands your circumstances and can fulfill your needs

I have been where you are, more or less. You can read my back stories. I didn't start writing until after I had my first affair...but I can tell you that one day something just broke in me. We had a three year drought on the sex, and I did everything I could to rekindle the sex - with limited success as in we did have sex a few times. Things were not good in our marriage and I knew I was going to stop loving him if I didn't have sex with him (it's the way I'm wired, I can overlook a lot if I'm getting laid on a regular basis). Unfortunately having sex again meant I started initiating again - as he doesn't - which meant more rejection than sex - as his batting average is low. I'd toss him the ball and he'd often fail to swing. And some times when he did swing, it was a foul. That made me feel even more unwanted. <br />
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Finally I cracked and went on a website where you can find people interested in affairs. I had an affair, got too emotionally involved and it broke my heart when it ended. It reminded me of all that was missing in my marriage - including kindness. I tried to rekindle the marriage again after that, but it was a no go. He's unable to acknowledge how his actions impact our relationship. I'm unable to forget what it was like to have someone who took joy in pleasing me in bed and took pleasure from my body and my touch and looking into my eyes. I can't forget what it's like to feel a man truly respond to my affection. I'm a bit more careful now, but enjoying the attention of someone else. <br />
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But these affairs have shown me that I need more from a marriage and that I need to be away from my husband who does not treat me well. I need to find a way out. Be aware that this is what an affair may bring you. But go and have a good time if you do decide to take that course ;-)

Why do you turn left before you pull in? I reckon that style of turning is a leftover from pre-power steering days to give you a bit more oomph instead of a hard, dry turn.

Sorry... I wouldn't yell at somebody for that. :-) Especially if I was getting laid ;-)

I'm looking at your age and imagining the ages of your two children, ba<x>sed on your story. It sounds as if they are both young. My suggestion, then, is to make sure your affairs are in order before doing anything-will, beneficiaries, guardianship in case of emergency/disaster, support system in case of divorce, all the business of life that requires a lawyer. Taking hold of your affairs can impart a strong sense of independence within a relationship like this.

If you color outside the marital intimate lines the only advice I have to offer is you need to have a contingency plan in place.<br />
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Affairs take time, energy, money, nerves of steel and an ability to compartmentalize your life to a degree that most may find unacceptable over the long haul. They take a certain skill set and unless you possess that skill set, you may find they are very taxing to you mentally and emotionally. And when they are over your main problem still remains - your dysfunction marriage.<br />
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If your husband gets wind he might petiton for divorce, or you might fall in love with the other guy and want a divorce, or you BOTH might want a divorce.<br />
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Once you cross that line your feelings/perceptions, etc of you marriage will change. It might be for the better, or for worse, but your marital experience will change.<br />
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You need to be parepared for that.<br />
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You don't want to split up but an affair might take you to that juncture if the husband finds out.

I would add that you need to find out if committing adultery has any legal ramifications for divorce settlements in your jurisdiction. Just to be on the safe side. Where I live, it is a cause of action, but does not affect financial or custodial issues.

I am so sorry that you are here. It is a hard reality to swallow as we entered marriage with such high hopes. I also asked my husband if he was gay and felt like a sister or mother to him. He accused me of trying to rape him It will come to either having an affair or leaving. I left and am recently divorced. Each solution has its own problems. None of of answers is easy because the refuser does not want a normal relationship within marriage.

Thanks for the comments folks! Having been open to talking about it with my husband and getting nowhere for the past 4 years I feel "cheating" will be my only option. Although my confidence has been greatly shattered and no longer feel attractive or desirable and as a full time Mum feel the opportunities may not come my way. At least I can look at other peoples stories and know that I am not alone. It also appears that since "50 shades of grey" has been released lots of people are having great sex! Lucky for them!!

Do not always believe what people say about having great sex.

You will do what most everyone on this particular forum does. You will accommodate and accept or ultimately find an alternative to the circumstance you are suffering in..<br />
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To those of us whose familial responsibilities far overshadowed teh need or desire for divorce teh only answer was a dalliance away from home and hearth. It will become , I fear, as I found out the only rational path to take. This lack of sexual intimacy I can assure you will in time grow into a disdain and possibly a hatred for your spouse. It is inevitable that will occur.<br />
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Dalliances , on the other hand, if discretely handled and with emotions kept in check can satisfy both your needs and keep contentiousness from ever becoming part of the family dynamic..<br />
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While I do not condone this for all and although some will demean this as cheating I deem it an absolute necessity if children are to be kept from the dislocation of divorce and the complications that it causes.<br />
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I feel for you and can assure you are among many here who are surviving in the same disastrous climate in which you are presently situated.<br />
In passing, may I add that I think your husband is an absolute fool to have refused the gift you offer him.

It is harder to split up when there are kids unfortunately today my son got upset as we had an argument in front of him so they must be picking up on it. I just wished we hadn;t rushed into marriage so quickly as I'm sure if we had waited I would have realised there was something wrong, I've asked him if he may be gay and tried to talk about it. I hate him really as I never signed up to being his mother.

I so understand trying to stay for the kids, but I am at 13 years and the resentment and anger just get worse. My son will be 17 in four months so I am at the end stretch because as soon as he graduates high school I am leaving. With kids in the picture it is hard to know what to do. We want to protect them for divorce but if we are unhappy they pick up on that too. I am still trying to figure out how I got here myself. Good luck to you. Reading other people are in the same boat made me feel less alone though.

I left the kids bio dad and my daughter had problems even though her step dad was more of a dad to her. My son was very young so he adapted well. My daughter's issues though were from her bio dad having nothing to do with them. Of course he didn't when we were married either which is why I left anyway. In some ways I wonder if it IS best when they are smaller. I guess each situation is different. SInce my son is so attached to my husband I will wait until he graduates so he can decide if he wants to stay living with him and continue their relationship, which I would support. He IS a good dad.

-----" Comments pl"<br />
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That you keep reading extensively on this forum. You will find something of value.