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My Marriage Sucks...

Good Day good people.

This could turn into quite a long read so, quickly run along and get some coffee!!  

Well, I am 27 and the wife is 29. We have a beautiful daughter of 2 years. We've been married for 3 years but together for 8 in total. While dating, in the beginning, we didn’t have sex for the first 10 months. This, all due to the fact that she was going through some stuff and I didn’t want to pressure her into sex. I fell in love with her from the minute we met. Well after her ordeal was sorted out and we got our HIV results back we started having sex like rabbits. Anywhere; anytime countless times a day! She was no stranger to initiating sex so in that department we were doing quite well. There were even times that I thought she was a bit too much for me!

Well this went on for the better part of 3 years. Then our sex life hits a drastic halt and I am like WTF?? When I tried speaking to her about this she always dismissed it. Well to cut a very long story short, she started an affair with some guy at her new job and after months and months of me asking her if there is something going on between her and him and all my suspicions, she breaks down one day and confesses that they are indeed having a affair. But then she turns around and says that I drove her into this guys' arms by always being on the lookout if she was cheating or not. Her statement contradicts itself coz she was having the affair all the time. I broke down on this day and smacked her twice. For the first time in my life I had lifted my hands to a female. I still had not forgiven myself for this and apologized profusely for this countless times. I even attended counseling for this.

Anyway, after months of trying to sort stuff out, we finally do and all is forgiven. We go on with our lives, me still in therapy for hitting her, while she thinks that it is ok for her to still have a friendship with this guy. After months of trying to convince her that if things are to work out between us that she really needed to end this friendship with this guy or get another job. Well he eventually leaves that job and all ties are broken between them.

Me and her carry on with our relationship and the sexlife is really going down now. Then it picks up for a bit again. Well then I propose to her. We agree that we are not going to have sex while we plan the wedding. This lead to about 6 months of no sex. So we get married and don’t have sex on our first night of marriage coz its that time of the month for her. A week or so later I see that the granny panties have now been replaced by the usual thongs/g-strings. I make my advance to her but get hit with a "No not tonight" followed by "I’m too tired". This goes on for a while. After about 2 months of marriage and about 8 long sexless months we finally have sex for the first time in our married life. We then are busy trying to have a baby and things are going well. I get promoted at work twice in the space of 6 months and things are looking up for us.

I come home from work one day and she is ecstatic at the fact that she is pregnant. I am too, very happy about this.

PREGNANCY:

So we have some more tests done and are now certain that she is indeed pregnant. We had sex a few times during the pregnancy. From month 4 in the pregnancy up until the time she gives birth, we only had sex once. This all at her request. She never felt in the mood; too tired; body hurting; etc. Even though the doctor told us that we should have as much sex as possible coz she had some complications and he suggested that in order to make giving birth as painless as possible we should have sex throughout the pregnancy. She decided on her own that she knows better than the doc and gave up on sex during the pregnancy.

AFTER BIRTH:

The doc says that 3 months should be ok and we can start having sex again. Well... 3 months came and 3 months went; 8 months came and 8 months went and eventually she gives in to all my "nagging" as she puts it. So I am feeling rather chuffed and think that the worst is over now. NOT. Lets just say that after 3 years of marriage I can almost for certain: count; mention the dates; times; what she was wearing; the weather; etc concerning the times we actually had sex.

They were that few and far apart yes!!!

Now when I try speaking to her about this she always has a comeback. 1st it was that she didn’t feel sexy enough after the birth. She quickly got her body back but then it was that I don’t communicate with her; then it was because I smelt of cigarette smoke; then I would smell of alcohol; then I didn’t treat her well; then that was all I ever spoke about; then it was if sex was the only thing I saw when I looked at her; etc; etc. The list really does go on and on. She went as far as to say that sex doesn’t interest her anymore and that she thinks that I should rather find someone outside of the marriage who can fulfill my sexual needs. This was out of the question for me.

Well, this goes on for 3 years while we are raising our daughter. It’s gotten to the point whereby the baby sleeps in the middle of the two of us. And when the baby is away with my parents then we sleep back to back... on her request.

She is always in bed before me, this way making sure that by the time I get to bed she is already sleeping and I won’t bother her for sex. Or if I am in bed before her then she stays in the lounge long enough for me to fall asleep. I work 24hr shifts so we already don’t have that much time together for sex as it is coz of the hours I work. So when I get home from work at 9 in the morning she makes sure that she is up and about before I get into bed that way I can’t bother her for sex in the mornings either. I once asked her to come lay by me one morning after work, thinking that I’m going to try and get some now and her reply shocked me so much that I just turned and cried myself to sleep. Her reply was that she was scared to come to bed coz I’m gna try to have sex with her!!!

So its June month now and we only had sex once this year and the times before that was about 4 months of no sex and the time before that another 8 months. So I can honestly say that I am in a sexless marriage which is also starved from any form of intimacy. So far I have only been remaining in this marriage for the sake of my daughter who I love dearly!!!

It seems like the only reason she stays married to me is coz of the financial security that I provide and for being a glorified errand boy.

I am at the end of my tether. I don’t want to cheat on my wife and daughter. I don’t want to divorce either coz of the lack of sex and intimacy but really don’t see any other option. She refuses to go for therapy coz according to her, she is not at fault. It is all me!!!

Will update my thread as you guys comment. thanx

 

twisted69 twisted69 26-30, M 55 Responses Jun 23, 2008

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strange.. she loves you??

I got married in August of last year. We have been together for 13 years prior. we are in our late 40's and early 50's. Sex was about twice a week on average. until about two months ago. He had health problems October of last year which took him out the game for 6 weeks or so. Then I had surgery I had put off which took me out the game for the same amount of time. (consecutive)We have always loved being together physically so we cheated on our doctors orders during both our issues. Then all of a sudden he just stopped. We don't kiss. he doesn't call, text or stop past my job. He hasn't touched me in two months. Its like I got you, OK I don't have to do anything to maintain it. He got the ok from his doctor in February. shortly after he lost interest. He's not mean or changing that way. I don't believe he's cheating. It's like hes scared to touch me. Since then we seem to be doing our own things apart and I'm afraid it may lead to an outside affair for one or both of us. I am a willing and enthusiastic partner and still desire my husband. I didn't wait till 4t8 years old to marry for the first time to end up divorced before one year.
Mrs. Waiting to be touched

Well I can see by the date that it was a few years ago that you wrote this. Some of your story rings true in my situation as well. I think it's been about 5 years since we were intimate and there's no affection whatsoever other than that in any sense. It's a bummer, basically the worst case scenario for me. My advice to anyone considering marriage is to find someone who really shares a common interest with you and really enjoys doing the things you enjoy. We have nothing in common. We used to have certain things but they've changed over the years. Also, if all their aunts have emotional problems run away when you can.

Dude why are women taking her side were MEN sex is a necessity for us.How is he ungrateful she cheated on him first he has a good job,car,etc and she cant give him sex at least once a month women forget that were men And then women wonder why we cheat cuz of **** like this dude ur more of a man for putting up with it most men wouldve dusted her off already

Totally agree w/ you :)

Dony take any advices from these idiots. You want your marriage to work? Try loving yourself first and knowledge youself the true meaning of marriage!

You should read your post carefully, word for word and count the number of times you ve mentioned "sex". You have a problem, YOU. Love and marriage is not a contract for sex. If you want sex sooooooo much and cant live without it, there s always a sex demon waiting at dark corner streets if you dont mind hiv!. You should seriously seek a psychiatrist. Grow up, learn to respect your wife..the mother of your daughter, have some sympathy. Stop your selfishness. Understand women better, it will make yout life easier, relax. Stop being selfish and learn to respect yourself and your wife. Happy wife, happy life. Soak that in. .

This forum is about SEX you ignorant f()ck. Why don't you jump in front of train or make some other useful disposition of your life.

You're clueless ursad. They cannot be made happy! I met a young man recently and his motto is "I take what I can git, and I don't throw a fit". He does not yet realize how he is being played.

Hey,
I'm glad to hear that things go better for you these days. I got to read your post while randomly googling for others' views about marriage coz mine sucks. Every single day I wonder why I did it! At this point we are at "the time " of your original post. No sex, no communication, nice robot family life. Still, we do have fun and go out: me, on Tuesdays; he, on Wednsdays!
I did go to a psychologist and she just sent me back home to get a couple counselor no matter how hard I tried to explain that he will never ever admit we have a problem. ... How I know all stupid excuses and the embarrassing "do u really want this?" I heard 2 nights ago.
Coming back to why I did it. When he proposed for the second time, my answer was : yes, if you promise not to neglect me sexually for more than a month ever! ( the proposal came after a year of separation due to my job). So this was my only expectation from him. And now, 4 yrs later: I wash his clothes, cook for him, have 2 jobs 10-12 hours/day, find time to play with the little one and the only relaxation that I can afford (lack of time for massages, yoga or other mind freeing stuff) is denied to me.
Definitely, I hate being married!!!!

WOW! You need to be the man! You are allowing this woman to emasculate you at a very sad and UNSEXY level. It's no wonder these women don't want to have sex with you guys....YOU'RE FRIGGIN' PANSIES! This is the most pathetic thing I think I've ever heard. Try being the men God calls you to be and you would actually turn these girls on. Nobody wants to body a crybaby! I don't blame them at all!

troll much??? :-/

Although this is true...the Bible does command for neither partner to withhold from the other. Obviously we can see why that is.

Hey... How are things going now?
I apologise for not replying in such a long time. I've relied to another question posted by cspirokeets. Have a look at the reply and see what you can use.

Best of luck

1 More Response

Checking in...
So... It's been going well so far. We've had some hiccups where we both reverted to our old ways for a bit. But, that was mainly due to the one feeding the other. What I mean by that is, she would say I'm starting to not treat her well again and then it would seem that the sex dries up to. I'd say she's going back to the old excuses again and hence me growing cold again.
In our situation, I say "our situation" coz no 2 are the same, as long as I treat her well: keep the conversation going; ask how her day was; rub her back; take her out; hold hands; etc. then she automatically warms up to me again. So it's like the one action feeds the other... (if that makes any sense at all).
I've also found that, to keep the flow of communication going, we've started texting each other all through the day too. This started out slow and awkward with "hello, how are you" texts and then this slowly moved to "wow you looked great this morning when you left home" etc.
It was/is a long and ongoing process but it does seem to be working. We also attended some marriage counseling at the church, where the counselor pin pointed exactly what she was doing wrong and how her actions fed my actions. It wasn't an overnight thing, as she was still resisting alot at the beginning. As soon as she gave "being a loving; submissive wife" a go; and I gave "being a loving; caring husband" a go, things worked themselves out SLOWLY!
Things have improved so much that even the kids are able to see the difference. The mood at home is so much better now too. Seems happier...
Like I said, it's an ongoing healing process and we both need to keep on reminding ourselves that the wounds are still fresh and that it's so easy to revert back to the way things used to be.

I hope this sheds some light. If I could be of any assistance with advice, I'd be happy to help where I can. I'm no expert, I'd just like to help where I can. Please feel free to message me.

Thank You all for your support and advice It's much appreciated!!!

Good luck to all...
... and please feel free to approach me if you think I could be of any assistance. I'd really like to assist wherever I can.

man i hear you, i feel your pain, dude just man up, i mena really man up, dont hit her, she isnt worth the problems afterwards, but she is pushing you to a point were that might happen even if you dont want it, she treats you with no respect, i've being there, thought that love could conquer all but you know what i learned after years of pain, that there cant be no love without respect, its imposible, and she doesnt respect you, man up tell her how you feel and not only that but do something, leave, get a divorce, put her *** on the street, you are a man, act like one. no offense, its just that i have being there before, wasted time, where my love wasnt needed, but when i finally did what i had to, everything was better

Animals like you deserve no respect. You speak so confidently but at home, you are just a worthless little nothing. Dont take advices from this loser. I know him.

People don't usually change. In fact, they're habits become more ingrained. 15 or 20 years may pass you by so try to get the guts to confront this. My wife would become a **** star when I had a foot out the door and then go back to her true colors within a week or two. Back to sexless. Then another couple of years go by. Vicious cycle! It's easier to leave when the kids are little. Leave now or live in quiet desperation. Sorry Bro.

It's easier to get out when the kids are younger. I have been in a similar situation to you. When I tried to leave, she would turn into a **** star for a couple of weeks, and then back to sexless. Now 15 years later, I'm still in this limbo. People rarely change. In fact the bad habits get worse. Bail out. I wish I did. Maybe this summer!

Old,pruned up man. What other female would take you...a selfish animal with no respect. You speak with such bitterness.

Man, didn't your grandfather teach you anything? Marriage usually means the end to sex. In fact, that's why I married the sluttiest girl I knew (That was the advice my Grand-pa gave me). I know, we're told not to but, you see my wife and I have sex at least 6 days a week usually more than once a day and I'm 55 now, I married when I was 19. It's slowed down a little as of late, but that's more of an age thing lol! <br />
<br />
So for you young guys... If a woman you are with wants to marry and does any of the following DO NOT MARRY HER.<br />
<br />
1. Has a negative attitude towards sex. <br />
2. Witholds sex when she is not extremely ill, or anguished .. like her father died type anguish.<br />
3. Uses sex as a reward (BIG RED FLAG).<br />
4. Doesn't experiment with you. New places, New positions, Toys etc. <br />
5. She's "too tired" for no good reason (now if she finished working a 16 hour shift, leave her alone. :P ) <br />
6. Has found your pattern and knows when you want sex, is always convieniently busy, or sleeping etc.<br />
<br />
Your "bros" may chastize you for dating that "****" but, you're going to be laughing later on when you're still having great sex daily while their ... you know doing yard work for a sexual favor (prostitution basically).

Wow, another idiot giving advice...shameful

I don't agree but OMGARSHHHHHHH that was funnnnnnnnnnnnnny!

People wont say it buts its true man just do what makes u happy

Funny. A guy accuses his wife of cheating until she thinks "might as well be hung for a sheep as a goat" so then she fulfils his paranoid fantasy, followed by him now having the justification he was LOOKING FOR ALL THE TIME to beat her.<br />
He pressurises her for sex constantly and only ever does anything nice for her as a means of manipulating her into sex.<br />
Are you sure that the reason your wife doesn't want to be touched is because at one point you actually forced yourself on her Sir? What a poor excuse for a husband. Even my abuser would never stoop THAT low.

Oh, please. They're married. She should be providing him with regular sex. She had all of the time in the world to plan an affair, didn't she?

@ stiffkittenbabelfish:

Your response puzzles me. How did you read what you did out of my story... :-/

what makes you think marriage is a contract for sex?

You definitely did the right thing by smacking her face, do it again if you see her looking around for an affair. women like her need tougher responses !!!

And you wonder why you are still all alone. how is the sex life with your not so manly hands?????

I hate to sound so cruel here...but...WAKE THE F* UP. Divorce her. She will only cheat on you again, if she isn't doing that already. My money is that she is cheating on you again. I would also make sure that your daughter is really yours. It sounds like you should have left her a long time ago, before you were even married, but that cannot be changed now. Tell her that you need more in your life, and if she decides that a sexless marriage is ok for her, then so be it, but it is not good for you and that you want to be happy in your life. She sounds like a manipulating little brat who needs an eye openner...like watching you leave her and realizing that the world does not evolve around her.<br />
<br />
If this sounds cold and harsh to anyone reading this...then shut up about it.

bitter cuz a real woman lefted you?

I am in a same kinda position like you. Except that my husband plays your wife role. We had hardly 5 times of sex after marriage and once I conceived none. <br />
<br />
My baby is 20months now....so almost 20+10months =no sex. <br />
<br />
Been hurt by rejection everytime....i know the pain you are going through.

your husband sounds like a shitbag miss, i assure you its easy for women to meet new men, not so easy for men to meet new women, dont be afraid to speak your concers and more importantly to act accordingly, the world is full of awsome people

So glad to hear how things have worked out for you. I have read your story from page one. I have to tell you, I myself am in a very similar situation. It is my husband who is treating me like this. It is very painful. I have tried so many times to work this out with him. I don't know what else to do. God says He HATES divorce, so knowing that, that is not an option for me. God also tells me that He will give me the desires of my heart, but I know there is something that I am doing wrong. The Bible tells us that "we have not because we do not ask.. or we ask amiss." James 4:3.<br />
<br />
Could you share with me, if you will.. how you managed to work things out? I really have no clue what I'm to do. I'm sure your response will be a blessing to so many who find themselves in such a horrible situation. <br />
<br />
God will reward you for this. He rewards EVERY act of obedience. And serving others is serving Him.<br />
Matthew 25: 35-45

Stopt looking at God for answers and start looking at your life, God is love, and whoever doesnt have love doesnt have God, if you are unhappy with your husband just leave him, God will understand

Hi cspirokeets...
Take sex/being intimate/making love or whatever you want to call it, take it out of your vocabulary. Push yourself to not be bitter and resentful around her. Smile more. Do somethings by yourself. Go out. Dont ignore her. Ask her how her day was. Even if the response from her is not what you were expecting, give her time. Give her a hug and tell her that you love her - JUST a hug. Dont expect anything in return. Buy her flowers - Just because you want to. Tell her she looks good - Mean it. Watch your tone because after being so bitter and resentful for so long, you dont even know that your tone of voice sounds like you're agitated/annoyed/angry when speaking with her. Smile more - This was very hard for me. I had to force a smile onto my face. Treat her like a princess without expecting any affection in return. Dont turn your back on her when you go to bed. Dont hold her either, unless that is what she wants. Dont guilt trip her into sleeping with you. Dont pout for some pity sex. Turn down pity sex when it's being offered. Learn to trust her again. This is going to take time and only happens once you both have moved past the issue. When she becomes "sexual" again, you wont want to have sex with her because of fear of rejection after all your healing. Tell her that you need to learn to trust her again too, just as she needs to lean to trust you again too. It's not an easy road. It's very tough. It still seems hard for me even after all this time has passed. It gets easier eventually. I still have flashbacks almost every time we have sex. Flashbacks of her rejecting me. Flashbacks of an excuse about to come out of her mouth. I'm not completely healed in that sense. I only realised a log time after the healing started that she damaged me and my thinking of how sex in a marriage should be. Up until today, I still treat her well and stuff and haven't gone back on my end of the deal but always feel like she would/could revert back to her old ways at any time. It's still very confusing to me. I still dont trust her 100% emotions and my feelings. I built up walls during her "rejection phase" and it's turning out to be harder to break those walls down than it was putting them up in the first place. Even when she assures me that things will never go back to the way they were before, I'm still skeptical.

I hope I've given you an inkling of direction/advice.
Get back as soon as you can.
Best of Luck!!!

Just checking in again guys...<br />
I wanna thank you all for your words of encouragement, no matter how harsh they may have been, they are all appreciated! <br />
Things have dramatically cleared up, for now. I moved out for a bit and things just kinda sorted themselves out from there on out. It's going great now and we both admitted that we have been treating each other wrong and started working on it from the moment I moved out. We have learned to respect each other and it seems to be working. I moved back home about 3 months ago and, as I've said, its going well.<br />
<br />
Thanks again guys...

So....I have to wonder.....It has been a long time....Are you still together......Or did you split????<br />
<br />
and if you are still together.....Did she change....Or did you just learn to put up with it

I would consider getting out. it sounds like way too much misery and sadness to continue to pursue. Trust is broken, hearts are broken... maybe its time to find happiness with yourself;) <br />
best of luck

Sex is not something you earn like a prize, and you're so involved in it you can't see how sad it is that you would play this game of hers. Adults, just like children, seem to try to manipulate and get away with anything so long as it works. <br />
<br />
I agree that she has either totally lost her libido or is still cheating on you.<br />
<br />
She needs some type of wake-up call. Stand up for yourself instead of bending to her will if you want to preserve your sanity. You deserve love; it's not a reward for another human to dole out to you. I just know that you deserve to be loved, too, and what she is doing is not loving you. Plain and simple.<br />
<br />
You deserve to be loved, too!

So my Dear....How is it going anyway????

twisted69-<br />
<br />
Get out now! This b!tch doesn't deserve you. Staying for your daughter is not the right choice. Our children learn about relationships by what they observe in the home. Do you want your daughter growing up to think it is acceptable to live like this?<br />
<br />
I guarantee that when you drop the bomb that you are finished with this marriage she'll be throwing more p#ssy at you than you know what to do with. But I wouldn't even give her that much satisfaction.<br />
<br />
I know a lot of posters here are sad for you but I for one am p!ssed off for you.<br />
<br />
Get out of this marriage now while you are still young enough to start over with someone else. NOONE deserves to be treated like she is treating you.<br />
<br />
Join a gym too. Lift weights and get buff, you need to do something to increase your self-esteem because after being rejected for sex as often as you have been your self-esteem has got to be bottoming out.<br />
<br />
Good luck. And you are an idiot if you stay with this harpy.<br />
<br />
Sorry if I sound harsh but the truth is seldom pretty.

Marriage just doesn't work...I've seen it from early on,and now I'm in it! It was like getting sucked into a black hole I never saw there and it's pretty much been a nightmare ever since. Not only does the marriage suck but life around it sucks too! Where I live etc. It's been only 3 years but it feels like time stood still ever since. We've had the I'm leaving arguments but we're still here,but now we're getting down to the no sex part for stupid reasons like the stupid kid decided to start having problems right before we were trying to get in the mood so one little thing like that will send everything into a tailspin...everyone gets pssed and there you go for another day. Ahh who wouldn't want a life like that?^

So true..So true...Thanks for reminding me about the making love part...When my hubbie had his girl frien this is what he told me...He thought that I was taking him for granted...She had the young stary love in her eyes for him...that I had when I was yong...I knew what he could do...o started to forget that I needed to show him that he was my superman...thanks for reminding me....Guess I need to go out and find his old cape....And sew the S on his chest.

You may not have thought of this, but forget the sex and try making love to your wife. You may need to ********** as a means of physical release but<BR>you have probably have been doing this anyway. How do I make love to my wife when I can't get near her you ask? You do everything you do all day long with her in mind and you do it with love. With or without words, you let her know that she is beautiful ( not only physically but the way she holds, looks at and cares for your baby, the way she speaks, the cute inflections in her voice , her creativity etc... you admre her), that she is desirable (not from the standpoint of a dog in heat. There is nothing as unappealing as someone desperate for sex and the more desperate you become, the more sloppy and unappealing you appear and the more she dissapears as a woman.), desireable in the way she sees herself in your eyes, your longing, loving glance, your smile of approval of her as a woman. When you were early in your relationship and "going at it anywhere and everywhere," it was because she was your everything and everything about your day was with her in mind (and vise versa). And what you lacked, she made up for in her illusion of what she wanted love to be. But life came back into focus and other things caught both your and her attention and she does not feel like your love and focus and you do not feel like hers. You are both hung up on the sex thing as if it were as gauge of devotion. It is merely a physical release which is fun and pleasurable. But, if it is driven through the scope of love, devotion, admiration, longing and true desire for the beloved, it becomes the most fullfilling, thrilling, hot, creative, spiritual experience to behold. What she is telling you is that foreplay is all day and a spiritual partnership. However she is also desperate to have her needs met and she comes across as demanding and demeaning. You need to forget all that old button pushing and fill youself with your beloved. She will have no choice but to follow you anywhere. Even into the bedroom or the kitchen table o or the.......

Sorry to tell you...But she is not wanting to be married...The group that she is in deals with a different set of problems...She needs to be ith the married group...But then she would be pushed to include you...And sit sounds as if she does not want to do that...Tell her that you want to attend a few services with her...To aide you in the raising of your daughter...A child needs Sunday School when they are young...All the "Born Again" people that I know want to share what they have with others...Or at least they did 10 years ago...But I know religions have changed...But I do not think that much...So it does seem to me that she has already parted from the marrage...Might not be with someone else...But it does not have to be someone that makes someone leave the marrage...<br />
<br />
My husband and I have been toether almost 30 years...We have had our ups and downs over the years...I cheated a few times in the early years...Being alone a lot makes you do stupid things....He had his girlfriend after 20 years...It was his turn to be alone alot...But the one thing that kept us together was that we were never at the same place at the same time...He wanted to split...I did not....I wanted to split...He did not...It was never a time where We wanted to split...So that saved us....Hang in there...As long as one wants it...There is still hope...Make me a friend on your list...If you want...I am here for ya Buddy...From someone that understands.

Hey Singer: I also wonder about the prayer group she goes to coz from what I have gathered its all single ladies or divorced women who go there... When I do ask her how the session went she would tell me that Im not really interested so she wont reply... or she would say that Im just trying to get laid again and cut me off....<br />
I work shifts but my job is not dangerous... I work in an office (IT related work...)

Tell her that you would like to go to her sessions with her...I will never work if only one person is there...It is a family matter...there is two that are in trouble...And Check with her church...I am sure tht there is a real counceler that the church can turn you on to...Laymen and womens groups are fine...But your marrage is in trouble...You both need help...Take it from me...I have sat in some of the bible studies...Yes the ladies do study the bible...But there is at least a good hour that it is just a gabb fest...With a great del of time trashing hubbies....And the heads are just nodding up and down...I had a great friend that would go with me to mine...And she would make sure to try to keep the ladies fair...But it does not always work...<br />
<br />
My thoughts are with you...BTW....What do you do that keeps you away for so long???Sounds like a fireman...take it from a cops wife...It is hard to be the spouse of someone that puts their life on the line each and every day...At times makes you want to keep a distance...Just in case "That" call comes in the middle of the night...You know what call I mean...That was always the hardest part of the day for me...The time between the time he left for work...until the time he came home...Some people thought that I was a hot headed wife...I just thought that he should have called to say that he would be late...To stop the worry....But then that is just me.

Thanx Ruby... It sure does feel like the spark has disappeared a long time ago and that we have drifted apart. Im just waiting it out till end of January in the hope that she might come around... if not then Im out!!!<br />
Thanx for the concern though... ;-)

I would just divprce her. This woman is not worth it. It would be ome thing if this was something you both agreed on and were comfortable with. Because there are happy couples in sexless mariages. But this is an entirely different situation. It's like it isn't even about the sex anymore its the whole spark and trust that is gone. It's the happiness of waking up next to eachother in the morning and seeing eachother off to work. You just have drifted apart for whatever reason and it seems clear to me that she doesn't really give a damn. Do yourself a favor and just leave this woman. You can still share custody of your daughter and work that out. Or get visitation rights. Just get away from her and be happy again.

@ lemtz... thanx for the respect...<br />
maggie072003... i might try counseling again... I asked her to go and see a real therapist but she is happy with the church counselor that she is seeing right now... She wont hear of seeing a real professional...<br />
@ dianaspy5... I will wait for us to start speaking about this again and will then put the question to her and wait for an answer... I am growing tired of being the only one to want to speak about this all the time! Gna wait another week or so before I bring up sex again...<br />
I'll google the book later ;-)<br />
@ chocoholicmom... good luck to you and thanx for taking time out to read my story... I know everything about waking up at 3 in the morning or not sleeping at all... Hang in there...

I want to recomend a book for you called"The Truth about Cheating" by M. Gary Neuman. I think you would benefit from this. Read it!!!Good luck!!!

I feel so sorry for you.... I feel the same way.... I am also living in a sexless marriage. Your story is almost similar to mine... I am a wife, with 1yr 7mos old son.............. I am so tired of waiting. I love my husband but I really do feel rejected. He is sweet and all and he would always tell me how much he loves me, but he doesn't want to have sex with me for one reason or another (I've heard million different alibis).... I am just so tired.. You see, I'm making this comment at 6:21 in the morning, I was up 4am coz I wasn't able to sleep thinking about it. Most of the time, I can't sleep at night, normally, I'm awake till around 5am.

You are not the only one that goes threw this in marriage. Marriage is very hard and both spouses have to put there part into it. I have been with my husband for 11 years. We have had our down falls too sometimes in everything including sex. yes it would get better. But I think it has to do alot of the attraction and the ******. Ask her if she is still attracted to you? Ask her if she still loves you? Ask her that you want to give her an ******. Yes you have to go down on her. Try going out just the two of you o the weekend to a nice hotel and romantic dinner and make love to her like never before.<BR>If none of that works then sorry to tell you this but your instinct are right.she is with you for convinience.<BR>So, then you try everything in your power to make yourself happy even if it means without her. <BR>be patient you wil figure this out...Good luck

Hi,<br />
<br />
I don't know if you still have issues with your wife, i just joined. I know a little about what you are going through. It sounds to me that your wife is not happy with her life. It might be an issue with herself, your marriage or both. I would seriously consider counseling, if your wife doesn't want to attend counseling with you then you need to see someone yourself and find a way to be happy. Children are very sensitive to their parents' unhappiness so staying together for the sake of your baby, though very honorable, is not going to accomplish anything productive. Go see a counselor, figure out what it is that you want out of your life and your marriage, sit your wife down and tell her what you need and that you need a clear answer and tell her with out ultimatums or screaming, how you are feeling. If none of that works, it's time to figure out what to do to make yourself whole again. Hope that you find your happiness.

wow you waited 10 months without sex in the beginning of the relationship.. you mustve really loved her, i really respect you for that. i don't know many guys that would do that.

I also seem to think that she is waiting for me to screw up!!! But I told her that she could even tell her friends and family that I cheated. That way she wont lose face with them! She never answered me though!!!

They way i see it.. is she doesnt want to be married to you.. and she wants you to do something wrong so you are seen as the person who has screwed up not her! If she is "born again" she can not accept her past mistakes, and thinks you are the bad one. she resents you for something, why continue that life. Either she wants you to be a bad boy and prove yourself. or she really doesnt want you anymore. hate to be so harsh, im just tryin to tell you the way i see it. she would rather you look like the bad guy then her.

@ Evet28: sounds about right... :-(

I don't think it's you, now that the excitement and freshness of your relationship has faded, she's looking to replace it & to fill something in herself. Sometimes the one person in the world who you want to make realize your a prize doesn't see it because it's too easy and simple.

@ southerheat: Believe me when I say that I have tried everything! I've tried "lets start over, afresh" so many times before that its beginning to sound pathetic already!!! When we did go on the "dates" she would tell me beforehand not to expect any sex just coz we are on a date. Needless to say that I have given up on setting myself up for more rejection like that!<br />
<br />
@ biblesex: Well you might find this hard to believe but my wife is actually a born again christian. She has been since the beginning of this year. I've tried telling her about the bible versus which promotes sex in a marriage but it doesnt seem like she takes me serious coz I am not born again like her. She has read the bible from front to back and attends bible study classes and prayer sessions too. She has told me to be more patient with her coz she is "apparently" getting counseling from her prayer group or leader (I forget which). Im not knocking religion coz religion has helped many people out in life. I just feel that this is yet another stall tactic that my wife is using to shut me up and not have me try to touch her. She has told me that she is not sure how long before the counseling would work but if I wanted to bail out on her she would understand. After I said that I would stick it out (more for the sake of my daughter) she tells me that it could take 3 month... it could also take 10 years!!! Its October month now and we only had sex 2 or 3 times this year!! The last time was about 3 months ago and its driving me crazy!!!<br />
What more do you suggest I try biblesex???

Ok...first of all...she is in the wrong..I think that is quite clear. I was your wife a few years ago. My hubby and I were drifting apart and it was because I just wasn't into sex that much anymore. There was always some "reasonable" excuse I would give. I wanted to want him again, but just lacked the passion. I have to say now, my life has completely turned around. Sex now is so amazing. I found my "cure" in an unlikely source.....the Bible. Now I don't know if you and your wife are Christian or not, but if you are, there is a chance you two can have an amazing passionate marriage. Now I'm not here to push religion on anyone..that's not my style. But I know of alot of hurting couples and sexless wives who can turn their lives around. I read a book called 'Created to be his Helpmeet' by No Greater Joy ministies....I suggest you get it for your wife (that is if she's open to God). Did you know that there is an entire chapter in the bible devoted to passionate erotic sex between a husband and wife-God knows sex is important...he made men that way. And it is a sin in God's eyes for your wife to be denying you....this is not the way God intended sex to be. So I'm here to try and help other husbands and wives who are in these sexless marriages. Thank God I read that book. (By the way, I am in no way affiliated with the company) Take my advice....don't take it...I'm just offering a suggestion. It has turned me into a hot horny wife and isn't that what most husbands and wives want? There is hope....husbands buy this for your wife...wives buy this for you.

WOW-- you are so young and seems that this would be the best time of your life-- have you considered approaching your wife with a "let's start over" approach , and start dating and finding out what you loved about each other in the beginning to see if the same things still have a sensual effect on you

Thanx peeps! <br />
Im still married and the sexlife hasnt improved! I spoke to her countless times but still nothing!<br />
Im hanging in there though...<br />
for now...

Sorry to tell you this buddy but I know many born again christians that cheat on their spouses. I know many of church women that are sl**S sorry its the truth although, you might not want to hear it. I think you should invest in equipment or take some personal time off to watch her or have someone do it for you. I really would not be with my partner if they with hold sex from me like that. I cant go but two weeks without sex with my partner I am also 27 years old. I think if your daughter is as important as you say she is you should try to see your preacher @ the church and talk about these issues or go to counseling something. If not get out before it gets uglier than what it is.

Thanx for all your replies...<br />
I will now try and address some of your concerns...<br />
<br />
@ BRONC7W: I tried doing what you suggested about a year ago. Treated her like a queen coz at the time her excuse was that whenever I look at her all I see is sex. So I tried that approach. I cooked dinner; suggested dates; massages; etc. And, her replies to these suggestions were that I shouldn’t think that just because I am being nice to her that I am getting lucky. When I attempt the massages she would also say not to get any ideas coz "it’s not going to happen." If I just happen to touch her by accident in the middle of the night while sleeping, she can’t push my hand away fast enough. It’s kind of crazy the way we are living right now.<br />
When I do bring any of this stuff up she says that that’s all I ever want to speak about. But if I should leave it to her to bring up then that conversation would never ever happen. She seems ok living like this.<br />
According to her, I should first treat her well; respect her enough; make her feel safe enough first; etc before we are ever going to have sex again. In my mind these are all excuses from her side coz it’s not like I treat her like crap or abuse her in any way. Its gotten to the point whereby all we say to each other is a hello; goodbye; goodnight; good morning; etc. If it wasn’t for the baby then we would probably not speak at all.<br />
As for the drinking, I don’t drink everyday. I have occasional drinks with friends over weekends maybe (only if I am not working that weekend) or at parties maybe. Even when we do go to parties and I don’t drink at all thinking that maybe tonight may be the night then there is still an excuse. Her stomach might be cramping; it’s too cold; she needs to wake up early for church; etc. I think that I've heard every excuse under the sun already! And still, like a good husband I still go straight home after work everyday; spend my off days at home and generally I’m just home all the time. <br />
I kind of thought that I needed a hobby to help get my mind off sex so I started spending alot of time working on my car; getting its sound system sorted out; sorting the engine out; keeping it clean; etc. When my car was finally the way I wanted it, sound wise and engine wise, I started attending drag meetings and sound offs. This too wasn’t acceptable. The drag events mostly happen at night. Her reply to this was that I don’t need a hobby... My family should be my hobby. Then one night while I was getting ready to go to a drag meeting she said that if I go out that night that I shouldn’t think of coming back. So much for my short-lived "hobby".<br />
<br />
@ Kerberus: I strongly doubt that there is anyone lurking in the bushes. Yes my daughter is the spitting image of me and I have no doubts there. She was recently "born again" so I really don’t believe that she is cheating.<br />
<br />
@ passionfalls: I also don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking that the way her mum and I are living is right. That is why I am seeking advice; direction; guidance now, rather than wait for this to blow over and screw my baby up for life in the process. <br />
<br />
@ dorobo; badderbrunette; workerbee; lawmom and verdigo998: Thanx for your concerns and well wishes.<br />
My head is totally screwed up due to her now!!!

Thanx for all your replies...<br />
I will now try and address some of your concerns...<br />
<br />
@ BRONC7W: I tried doing what you suggested about a year ago. Treated her like a queen coz at the time her excuse was that whenever I look at her all I see is sex. So I tried that approach. I cooked dinner; suggested dates; massages; etc. And, her replies to these suggestions were that I shouldn’t think that just because I am being nice to her that I am getting lucky. When I attempt the massages she would also say not to get any ideas coz "it’s not going to happen." If I just happen to touch her by accident in the middle of the night while sleeping, she can’t push my hand away fast enough. It’s kind of crazy the way we are living right now.<br />
When I do bring any of this stuff up she says that that’s all I ever want to speak about. But if I should leave it to her to bring up then that conversation would never ever happen. She seems ok living like this.<br />
According to her, I should first treat her well; respect her enough; make her feel safe enough first; etc before we are ever going to have sex again. In my mind these are all excuses from her side coz it’s not like I treat her like crap or abuse her in any way. Its gotten to the point whereby all we say to each other is a hello; goodbye; goodnight; good morning; etc. If it wasn’t for the baby then we would probably not speak at all.<br />
As for the drinking, I don’t drink everyday. I have occasional drinks with friends over weekends maybe (only if I am not working that weekend) or at parties maybe. Even when we do go to parties and I don’t drink at all thinking that maybe tonight may be the night then there is still an excuse. Her stomach might be cramping; it’s too cold; she needs to wake up early for church; etc. I think that I've heard every excuse under the sun already! And still, like a good husband I still go straight home after work everyday; spend my off days at home and generally I’m just home all the time. <br />
I kind of thought that I needed a hobby to help get my mind off sex so I started spending alot of time working on my car; getting its sound system sorted out; sorting the engine out; keeping it clean; etc. When my car was finally the way I wanted it, sound wise and engine wise, I started attending drag meetings and sound offs. This too wasn’t acceptable. The drag events mostly happen at night. Her reply to this was that I don’t need a hobby... My family should be my hobby. Then one night while I was getting ready to go to a drag meeting she said that if I go out that night that I shouldn’t think of coming back. So much for my short-lived "hobby".<br />
<br />
@ Kerberus: I strongly doubt that there is anyone lurking in the bushes. Yes my daughter is the spitting image of me and I have no doubts there. She was recently "born again" so I really don’t believe that she is cheating.<br />
<br />
@ passionfalls: I also don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking that the way her mum and I are living is right. That is why I am seeking advice; direction; guidance now, rather than wait for this to blow over and screw my baby up for life in the process. <br />
<br />
@ dorobo; badderbrunette; workerbee; lawmom and verdigo998: Thanx for your concerns and well wishes.<br />
My head is totally screwed up due to her now!!!

I hate to say this, but your wife is cheating on you. All the signs are there. She cheated on you once before, she dismissed it as your fault, SHE suggested that YOU cheat on her, she doesn't want anything to do with you when it comes to sex. Look out if she starts to pull away from the hugs on your way to work or the little kisses "just to say I love you".<br />
Invest in some camera equipment, set it up in your bed room or in the living room if you don't want to see her with someone else in your bed, and make sure that if she is cheating on you you confront her with a VERY cool headed friend. Preferably one who isn't a good friend of hers. That way there will be no chance of a repeat performance of the last confrontation when she cheated on you.<br />
<br />
Sorry dude but it does look like your in a bad spot. I went through the exact same thing and I know it hurts. Take a couple days off work and don't tell her, follow her around stake out the house, You need to know so that you can prioritize your efforts.

I hate to say this, but your wife is cheating on you. All the signs are there. She cheated on you once before, she dismissed it as your fault, SHE suggested that YOU cheat on her, she doesn't want anything to do with you when it comes to sex. Look out if she starts to pull away from the hugs on your way to work or the little kisses "just to say I love you".<br />
Invest in some camera equipment, set it up in your bed room or in the living room if you don't want to see her with someone else in your bed, and make sure that if she is cheating on you you confront her with a VERY cool headed friend. Preferably one who isn't a good friend of hers. That way there will be no chance of a repeat performance of the last confrontation when she cheated on you.<br />
<br />
Sorry dude but it does look like your in a bad spot. I went through the exact same thing and I know it hurts. Take a couple days off work and don't tell her, follow her around stake out the house, You need to know so that you can prioritize your efforts.

Sorry that you are so young and in this situation. I agree with some of the other posts, if your daughter doesnt resemble you at all, maby get a DNA test just to make sure and also have someone do a drive by or show up yourself. If she can cheat once, who's to say she wouldnt do it again. <br />
My sexlife took a nose dive during my wife's first pregnancy, and my wife had all the same excuses. I know her confidence and self esteem were damaged because she didnt have the same body, but that didnt bother me, I still loved her just the same. Four years later we both wanted another child. My wife is extreamly firtle, we got pregnant right away with the first. Knowing this while we were trying I was ************ heavily to try and keep my ***** count low. This was the only way to have a steady sex life because once she was pregnant, all sex stops. But it didnt work, she was pregnant within a week. <br />
So Twisted I comment you for going to therapy, I hope you can find happiness while you are still so young. Maby take your wifes offer and find someone outside the marriage to satisfy your needs, maby it will spark some jealousy in her and she will make some attempts to make you happy at home?

I think you are married to the female version of my husband. I am so sorry for you. I know how much it hurts.

You've accepted so much. I commend you for going to counseling. <br />
<br />
I wouldn't be able to accept such a long time without intimacy. It's like sex is something bad for her when it involves you.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry, but if my partner flat out tells me that he doesn't want to have sex with me SO MANY TIMES, I think I'd get a divorce. Of course, that's just if I was the one in that situation. Staying together for the sake of the child is a mistake if there's no love. Your child can sense the type of love that you two have for each other. Is that the kind of love you want your daughter to believe is the romantic type? <br />
<br />
It's such an unfortunate situation. once again, I'm glad I'm here. I can learn from all of you. If you're living with a roommate, why not make it official? (I mean people in this group, including myself.)

I have a different view. I wonder if the old co-worker or his replacement isn't hiding in the bushes when you set off for work. <br />
<br />
Pardon the question, but does your daughter look like you?<br />
<br />
From what you have stated in your post, I wonder if you aren't just the poor sap that she married for financial security, while she it getting her loving elsewhere. You know she is capable of cheating, and she has cheated on you before. So, I would be wary of the spotted leopard if I was you. <br />
<br />
Obviously, you are better judge as to whether you think this is a possibility than I do, because you are there and it is your wife. However, I've been with a woman who cheats, and I can tell you it obviously gets easier each time. It is the first time that is the hardest. <br />
<br />
All the same, I'd keep and eye on her. Maybe come home from work unexpected from time to time, or have a friend drive by and check out the house to make sure there aren't any visitors, etc......

ok twisted 69 my ole buddy here is the way i see your situation ... at one point she had an affair its been my experience that women use sex to get something they need from the guy she had the affair with so if she was willing to do a simple co-worker what we need to figure out is what was he doing then that you DONT do now?? its not usually the nymphs that cheat so much as in my experience its the darn prudes lol so my suggestion to you is ... (and i personally havent been able to muster up enough humility to do this longer than a few days ) TREAT THIS WOMAN LIKE A QUEEN FOR 6 MONTHES I MEAN DO ANYTHING AND EVRYTHING YOU CAN FOR HER MASSAGES FOOTRUBS JUST PUT ALL YOUR SPARE TIME AND ENERGY INTO MAKING HER COMFY AND LOVED expecting nothing in return just carry out her whims and wishes as though god himself made the command treat her as if ... shes the best wife in the world put forth that much effort into your family for 6 monthes then if theres no change in her and you still think you want out you have evry right to do so not only in the laws eye but in Gods eye you will try this when you are hurting bad enough and if you love her enough to exhaust that much energy but in the end you can honestly say that youve done all you could and dont drink im a recovering alkie of 4 and a half yrs and trust me thats the easiest way to losing your dAughter DONT DRINK good luck !!! itsa tough suggestion to carry out but ive heard it works!!