This Shouldn't Be So Common

Sounds to me like your husband is still interested in you - so maybe it's a medical problem with him?

Has the other guy (the one you are attached to) propositioned or hinted that he wants to take things further with you?

A real relationship should, in my view, be just that. Real and honest. If you were to have an affair you'd be compounding the dishonesty that sits at the heart of the problem you have now. Without a willingness on both sides to get to the bottom of what causes his disinterest (and of course the issue lies with him, not you), there is no relationship. Not even a friendship really. He may be gay but in denial of course. Or he may just have a low drive for all sorts of reasons. If having had the chance to face it together, perhaps through counselling, things just can't change, you may decide to move on. But at least you'll know that you did so in a loving and mature way.

"Everything is great bar the sex" eh ?



So good, that you would have an affair if you figured you could carry it off covertly.



I think you need to severely challenge your position that 'everything is great bar the sex'. You are kidding yourself.



Tread your own path.

In the same boat love. My hubby and I are great together apart from with the whole sex thing, im over speaking to him because it sucks having someone do it out of Duty. I really wouldnt have an affair but i can honestly see why you would think of it, its hard missing out such a huge chunk of married life

Almost perfect? People in almost perfect marriages don't google "sexless marriage". He has taken control of the intimacy in your relationship. That's not even close to perfect. That is an uneven power balance.

It is worth the risk! Changed my life and gave me back to myself.

A charade can go both ways. Your H may put on a public display of affection to keep up the appearance of normalcy. You might put on a similar act while you assemble and execute an exit plan. One seeks the status quo, the other a radical change.



At the heart of this is the decision to stay and work on it, or to roll the dice again.

Is it worth it? Well yes in the fact that you feel alive and valued on your most important terms for the first time in years. And no in that feeling alive you face the reality of your situation in new and very stark terms. Terms that will leave you sobbing. My sense of the guilt part is that you will have none interestingly enough. Guilt can be a minor emotion compared to the others that an intimate affair creates that there is little room for it. So I suppose "going there" means your raise the emotional chemistry of your brain to somewhat scary levels for good and bad. Good luck - no easy answer.

When you figure it out please let me know. I am in the same boat, except our once a month has slipped into once every couple of months or more. This is not the direction I was hoping to go. I have tried to incorporate "marital aids" but he just says that extra stuff is not necessary... I have thought about an affair, but to me sex is part of love and I don't want some random hookups, that totally turns me off.

Wonderful man, huh? Pardon me while I disagree with your character judgement. Let's see...first of all, he doesn't respect your feelings. You're voicing your displeasure, and he's poo-pooing it like it's nothing. Secondly, he's showing you little physical affection, which btw, probably has zero to do with your looks. You're a doll on a shelf that he takes down once in a while to play with. Not my idea of wonderful...

I just cant help but wonder if there might be something that has affected his ability to perform and he feels ashamed. Maybe errectile dysfunction or something he doesnt want to talk about. Maybe he should see a doc if u are for sure that he isnt performing for someone else. If u love him and it sounds like u do, dont hurt him or your children with an affair. Be loyal to yourself because in the end u have to live with yourself & the decisions u make. God bless.

"I've tried to talk to my husband about it, and he tries to assure me that everything is fine. "

"The thought of hurting my husband makes me feel physically ill."

Your husband does not want to admit there is a problem ,he is quite comfortable with the situation and trying to manipulate you to think the problem is in you... Sorry,he is not that loving as you try to convince yourself(or he tries to convince you)...

I don't know what to tell you, but an affair will not thelp. If he thought you MAY have done something before and was upset, just think how it would be if you did and he found out. Affairs are for people who don't like themselves or their partners much. And it sounds like you still love him. Seek counseling or couples therapy. He deserves that much if you have a good life together with 2 small children. Peace.

my hubby is like yours. he acts good in front of others but when no ones there, even hugs are forced. I say come here and he's like "what?" he gets annoyed i want him to walk to me just for a hug. which leads me to believe that they know whats up they just don't care.

Why do people like your husband say "everything's fine" when it patently isn't? It's absurd. It's as bad as saying It ain't raining outside when it it's absolutely tipping it down.



Folks are saying that if you go down the affair route that you had better be prepared in advance. I would go further. You shouldn't do it because you can't do it, at least not successfully. If the very thought of it makes you feel nauseous I just can't see you carrying it off. You will end up letting the guilt eat into you and end up confessing. I would give you about a 80 - 90 percent probability that you will. You just aren't the right sort of character for it. Can you at least do righteous and indignant?



Having said that, I don't know what else to say that would be anything else other than bland platitudes. I'm assuming you have been around and around in circles and have simply run out of sensible ideas. You could always tell him you are going to put your body up for auction to the most appealing bid on Ebay and see how it goes. I wonder whether he would even put in a bid?

Thanks for your thoughtful responses....especially Mvcmvc. All great points.

BEFORE you take such a tremendous risk, you need a contingency plan. That is, you need to find out how a divorce would pan out in your jurisdiction. For if your husband gets wind of any extra intimate marital activity he might move to divorce you. Or you might fall in love with the other guy, or some other scenario that would lead you to divorce.



You are thinking of engaging in high risk behavior, and if you do so, you need to be prepared BEFORE you engage.



Be smart, play smart.

go ahead and go for it, you only live once. I did and have to admit it was AWESOME!!! Nothing is better then feeling WANTED by your partner without having to beg for it or feel like it is an inconvienence to them.



But there are risks and getting caught SUCKS, but that is a whole other topic

-----"Is it worth the risk or is almost perfect enough?"



You will have to be the judge of that. I take it from your story that your starting position here is "all is great bar the sex".



Now, from that starting point a couple of things popped out here:



-----"What's strange is that my husband is very flirty with me, especially around friends and family. Almost like he at least wants to have the illusion we're swinging from the chandeliers."



Your intuition is correct on this one. Classic PDA (Public Display of Affection) behavior normally for territory marking and not to build intimacy or further the marital intimate happiness. For that behavior to feel authentic to you the flirting would NOT stop once out of the public eye, but only begin.





-----"I've tried to talk to my husband about it, and he tries to assure me that everything is fine."



I would venture a guess here that he feels guilty and that he knows you are hurting/disasatisfied with the level/frequency of intimate interaction. People do not like to feel guilty and that might be why he assures that everything is OK when it clearly is not. If it were you would not be asking internet stranges how to deal with your marriage issue.



Keep reading on here you might find something of value.



But be warned - reading on here might make you question your stance of "all is great bar the sex" once you place your marital dynamics underneath a microscope and examine more closely.

"This shouldn't be so common"? And that judgment is being passed on, let's see, four million years of evolution that couldn't possibly have any consideration for the hurt caused by refusal? Really. For four million years, all that mattered was whether the man had bigger muscles, clubs and balls than the competition, and whether the woman had strong hips and a fertile uterus. Political correctness, balance and consent between the partners was damned until what, a few hundred years back? Allow Nature a couple million years and all this will get sorted out. Yes, the evolution of human sexuality really sucks.

When did you enter me and live my life...are you still here? It's a ***** dear, and unless is changes you're in for a haul of frustration and discontent. Sorry.