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Feeling Empowered

Today is a good day. I am still working on doing things alone and making myself follow through. Today it is a movie. I am actually looking forward to it and each experience gives me validation that I don't need him to be a whole person. Sure, I wish he wanted to be included and part of my life, but he doesn't. I think it is confusing him that I am doing things by myself since he knows how much I hated it. I also think it is confusing him that I am not texting him during the day. (I used to text him a "hope your day is going well" text). I have been responding to him when he talks to me and manage to keep it nice (even when I want to be ugly about it). I figure he wanted to live like roommates, so we will live like roommates until I leave. If a roommate asked me a question I would answer so I do that. I have talked until I am blue in the face trying to get him to understand how I feel and it never did any good so I am just not going to go through that again. I have tried to tell him his rejecting me makes me feel ugly and unattractive and that sex to me is not just two people doing it, but two people sharing themselves with each other. I have told him I miss the intimacy. I would love to receive a compliment that I didn't have to dig for. He never complements me. Never. I have to ask him if I look ok and then I get "Yeah you look fine." I have heard him compliment other people so I know he can do it. I had my hair cut and fixed today and got a pedicure and I bet he won't even notice. I always would tell him I loved him. I would say it multiple times a day (now I wonder if I was trying to convince me more than him.) He never says it first. So the last 4 days no one has uttered the phrase I love you. (Well, I do tell my animals that a lot. :-) ) So anyway, today showed me that I can do things alone AND enjoy them. I actually have a few things planned for the rest f the week. Last weekend when I tried to get him to do something with me since we had a free weekend he wouldn't. He told me he would take me to a museum this weekend. I am not holding my breath so I am planning on something to do if he doesn't follow through. I won't sit and wait at home anymore. If he wants to, then he can by himself. Sorry if I ramble and get off topic. I have finally allowed myself to release the anger here since it feels like a safe place. Thirteen years of anger can get muddled. LOL
iwantmore2 iwantmore2 41-45, F 7 Responses Aug 8, 2012

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I think you have done well, and you should be proud of yourself even if it does hurt you deep inside. I hope you get the result you deserve, and at the end of the day life isn't a rehearsal, so why not do the things you want to do. If it makes him sit up and take notice then fair play, if it doesn't you haven't lost anything and you may be closer to knowing the next step.

Here is an interesting thing. Tonight I went to the movies alone. I went to see Hope Springs because it just related and I wanted to see it. (I know they always make them end right but still. ) I looked around and found out that 95% of the audience were couples who appeared in their late 60's to 80's. The other 5% seemed like me, 40 to 50's single women. It does have that laughter from the audience that comes from the "I can relate to that." Anyway, after I got out of the movie I decided to walk over to a place to have dinner by myself. I checked my phone and had my second text of the week asking if I would like to go to dinner. I responded that I was already at dinner and he asked where. I told him and he asked if I was beginning or ending dinner. I told him beginning and he said he would be right there. He did a lot of talking and I listened. (I am usually the talkative one). It took him awhile to notice my hair had been cut. He noticed I had gotten a pedicure and told me he was glad I had and wished I would do things for myself more often. He asked what movie I saw so I used that as an opening to talk to him without getting all emotional. I told him that I was getting used to doing things without him because I needed to regain myself and know what I wanted and that I couldn't just sit around waiting for him to participate with me anymore. I told him that I would be joining a gym as soon as the Dr released me to exercise and that I figured out the last (I hope) block that caused me to self sabotage. I told him that I wanted to get in shape for my health and to look good, and that I had wanted to look nice for him, but that it looked like I would be looking nice for someone else because I would not stay in a marriage that had no intimacy. He told me that he would go see a Dr and have his testosterone levels checked because he had been feeling that they were off for a few years. I asked him for a date. He has time from work coming up in a couple of months so that is the deadline to see the Dr. He said he never mentioned it to his Dr before because he was embarrassed but that if it was hurting me this much he would. He told me he was sorry because he knew it bothered me, but never realized it hurt me and that I felt so rejected. I reminded him we had talked about it and he told me that he knew we had but that he had always taken it as something I was bugged about but that I hid the hurt from him and he didn't realize how much it was hurting us. So we will see if it is just words and while I hope they are true I am not going to believe them until I see them. He did tell me that there were some things that had bothered him and instead of telling me, he never said anything because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I told him neither of us can work on things if we are not honest and communicating and that we should be able to do that in a productive manner. He did tell me that he is glad to see me getting out more and enjoying myself and that he finds that a very attractive trait. So he is making plans for us for the weekend so we will see if those happen or if I end up doing my back up plans. He told me last weekend it was so hot he just didn't want to do anything. It was miserably hot and continues to be. I asked him to tell me that instead of just saying No and making me wonder why he doesn't want to spend time with me. I could have understood him saying, "I have worked in the heat all week and it is so hot I would rather stay in." Heck, I could have at least offered solutions where we could have remained cool. :-) So two dinner invitations in one week and a weekend (remains to be seen) of doing something with him. That is a start to me if he meant it. I hope he does so we can see if we can repair this, but as of now it is a "prove it to me" place and not an "I believe it because you said it" place. Either way, I need to work on me for me, in this marriage or out of it. Sorry so long.

I suggest you keep right on track with your choosing of what is in your best interests.

As you can see, it has shifted the dynamic already. He is starting to scramble.

Where this ends up is as yet unknown, but as long as you keep choosing things that are in YOUR best interests, you can't go too far wrong.

Tread your own path.

I read your whole post and it is not rambling. However, this is the bit that really matters:<br />
<br />
"<i>I don't need him to be a whole person</i>"<br />
<br />
There is nothing more that you need to realise.

Make your choices ba<x>sed on your best interests.<br />
<br />
If what he suggests co-incides with what you want to do, great. If it doesn't then simply do what YOU would prefer to do.<br />
<br />
In dysfunctional marriages, there is no "us" to take into account in the decision making process. HE will not be making choices on a basis of 'what's good for the relationship', only on 'what's good for him' (though he will likely dress it up as if he does care for the relationship).<br />
<br />
He's set the ground rules of selfish and non-inclusive behaviour. You have no option but to play by those same rules. Up until you get heartily sick of it and decide to withdraw from the game altogether.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Off topic???<br />
Nahhhh<br />
its All about you,<br />
finding your voice<br />
validating <br />
and learning to embrace and enjoy your own company...<br />
you're just gettin started!<br />
And noooo<br />
more<br />
apologizing for being honest and direct <br />
being "justyou"<br />
joyinthejourney, clg<br />
you go girl!

Very good for you. Only you can make the changes that make a difference.

Rated waaaay up! So happy for you and your progress.