Is There Pleasure In Rejecting?

I wonder if refusers get some short of pleasure from rejecting us. If you think about it, every moment of the day they are desired, wanted, needed. They are in total control, able to make us run at the mere hint that something might conceivably happen. That must be pretty gratifying for their self esteem, knowing they are in some much demand. The exact contrary to the loss of self esteem of the refused who feels constantly rejected, hopeless etc…
SilentThinker SilentThinker
41-45, M
8 Responses Aug 9, 2012

Im sure in many ... maybe even the majority of refusers get some satisfaction in the act of refusing - that rush of having control - but not all. Some feel bad. Some know theres a disconnect in the relationship but cant or dont spend much time analyzing why things are that way, much less how to fix. Some are very poor at articulating what is wrong even if they can identify it. Not all refusers have the joy of being made to feel desired wanted and needed. After years of mutual disrespect and unappreciation a disfunctional relationship is bound to collapse. <br />
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I'd have to agree with bazzar - refusers generally have self esteem issues, and I'd wager a larger percentage of them battle depression right along side their refusees. Unfortunately, their esteem issues spread like a black hole.

One of our therapists wanted to screen us both for depression. I told him there's no need to run a test, we both are depressed. He didn't take that so well.

yes ray you said it ............. a fake life....

It ain't so much a case of them having healthy self esteem, in fact it is the opposite.<br />
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They have **** self esteem, but to rise above that, they conspire to make YOUR self esteem even worse than theirs.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Hmmm that could be a way of reading it,but even if it was subconscious then that behaviour is self defeating and would only have a limited shelf life, there will always be a tipping point and if there was no carrot there then the stick cannot work.

I think that if you are thinking like that you are over-looking the more obvious in favour of the perverse. Does it make you feel better thinking about it like that? To be honest it shouldn't.<br />
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It would, for example, be much more difficult to live with the realization that your partner doesn't much like you, or simply doesn't want to have sex with you, or even fantasises about having sex with someone else. And if they do, the likelihood of them ever admitting it to you is as about as close to zero as makes no difference.<br />
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I think you have a duty to be as brutally honest with yourself in order to rescue yourself. The details you have to work out for yourself. You can ask others for thoughts, opinions, perspectives, but in the end it is your reality and only you can deal with it, even if that means you have to move on no wiser than when you arrived.

I cant speak for the refusers, I have no idea what they are thinking - all I would like to say to them as a group is; "be careful what you wish for!" Once your refused gets a clue (myself included) and the counter refusal starts, you might be in for a rude awakening and you might even be surprised to find yourself alone.

sometimes I think so, yes

My feeling is that refusers don't get pleasure out of the refusal itself - I think it annoys them that you haven't got the message yet. And the message is, I'm in charge. And it's the structural aspect of that control that is giving them gains, whether these are consciously realised or not.<br />
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Of course, if you read the refuser's dry-dream of a book (don't bother) called "Perfectly Normal" by Sandra Pertot, you'll be told that refusers may feel annoyed or irritated when turning you down, but mainly they'll feel guilty. Now color me old-fashioned, but sometimes guilt and shame is richly deserved, but in most refusers it's quickly forgotten and self-justified - doubtless it's because of something the refused has done or not done.<br />
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And then, ultimately, the refused will realise they do have control, by taking action and changing the situation - if they can face down their own fear and self-deception that they can tolerate it.

I am not sure that is true, why would anyone gain pleasure from that unless the boundaries of a relationship are tha t way defined. I dont think there is anything to gain from rejecting someone for a selfish pleasure. My guess is that there is a different agenda.

I am not saying it’s conscious. But just as the refused feels undesired, week, needy and helpless, the refuser must feel desired, cherished, strong, in power. In fact they must feel that the relationship is strong because their partner “needs” them so much. I am just wondering if it happens subtly. For the refused the relationship withers away do to the rejection, lack of “feeding” from the refuser. The refuser never feels like, in fact they perceive the opposite.

Well I can only speak from my experience as the refuser in my previous marriage. No, it gave me no pleasure. And I most certainly did not feel desired our cherished; my ex treated me like crap and was simply looking for his own release. It could have been me or anyone. I think there are lots of reasons this situation rears iss head and each should be evaluated its own. Sex with my current husband brings me great pleasure precisely because I do feel cherished and wanted.