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When Is Enough, Enough?

I'm not sure what has happened to me but lately I have been feeling like, enough already.
My husband is struggling with depression and ED and has been for years. He has never made any effort to get help and I have had it.
I don't know but... if it were me and my lady bits were not working properly I would do whatever it would take to seek help.
I'm not sure if it is a male pride thing or the fact that he is military, I just don't get it.
I feel like a ***** for not having any empathy, but its been so long.


7Peaches6 7Peaches6 31-35, F 9 Responses Aug 9, 2012

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I agree! If it were me with the problem I would stop at nothing to firgure out a better solution. My husband is depresssed and the anti-depressant that he takes make effects him sexually...and he does not care...well...if effects me too. I There are many things that I can go outside of our marriage and get...companionship, personal fulfillment, etc.. but sex is not really an option

I know how you feel. I am afraid that my husband suffers from ED as well, but he won't admit it or seek help. I am here for you. :)

Consulted a lawyer yet ? (see prior comments on prior stories).<br />
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Tread your own path.

Had he chased up medical assistance and moved heaven and earth to resolve his medical issues yes you would of been a ***** for showing no empathy.<br />
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He has however decided to take a fuc...k all approach to his medical problem therefore constraining you to a sexless marriage.<br />
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Dont feel bad for having no empathy towards him instead maybe show some empathy to yourself for still being with him.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

I am a guy, and I served in the military and if I had this problem and was causing my spouse so much pain, I would absolutely get checked out. BUT I think the difference is that I want a marriage with mutual sexual ex<x>pression, you husband probably doesn't care. My spouse doesn't care about that. <br />
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I am afraid that in most of these "won't go to the Dr" cases its really a case of not caring if sex is a part of their life anyway. Why fix something you don't care about.

I know this may be terrible but he is deploying in weeks and I can't wait. He will be gone for awhile, I think it will be a great time to take care of me. He obviously doesn't care to change and I'm done begging.

Service in the military simply reveals certain characteristics that are already present - it does not put them there. <br />
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Your marriage is revealling your husband's characteristics - he would probably sooner lose the marriage than take action or feel vulnerable by admitting there is a problem.<br />
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You can't do anything about that. He is telling you by his actions what his priorities are. And he damn well knows how to set priorities - his profession lives and dies by priorities.<br />
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Now, what is your plan to get to living a higher quality of life?

That's the kicker. I don't have a plan, I just know that I have has enough.

You are already formulating one - you just haven't connected the dots yet! You will get there...

I hope so. I just have to decide where to start

Go see a lawyer to see what would happen in your jurisdiction. Usually first lawyer visits are free.

You would be surprised at how seeing an attorney, for that first (usually free) consultation can make you feel! It's just nice to know, even though you are paying, that there's someone on your side with some dang good advice.

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Nope, it's not a male pride thing. It's a life-long, incessant, "men don't do that sort of thing", with the sneers coming from both other men and women. And you can sure bet the military don't like it one bit. If they were to approve of it then they would fear that it would become rampant like a virus. As it is they are churning out psychological and emotional defectives in their thousands every year, both in your country and ours and, well, all over the globe.<br />
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No, us men just have to bite out bottom lip, pucker up our *****, and just get on with it, except, as you have discovered we don't actually get on with it. Well, some don't.<br />
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And I think the ultimate betrayal comes from those men who respond to men who open up here to "grow a pair", without considering for a moment what that actually might mean in a useful way.<br />
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True ED, as in ED that is caused by physiological factors, as opposed to psychological factors, is theoretically amenable to treatment, but to be honest with you, without going into lots of details here, partly because it has been discussed so much in other past posts, it is just a bit short of shite. Unsatisfactory to both him and you.<br />
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Ironically, ED caused by psychological factors is likely to result in a more satisfactory end result, if it can be treated at all.<br />
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In respect of his depression, is it a question of it being the chicken or the egg viz-a-viz the ED?<br />
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The stupid thing is that I am sure you have been very supportive of him since this problem first occurred and you have given him no reason to think you are just disappointed in the fact that he can't perform, yet he can't avail himself of the best opportunity to deal with the situation that he is likely to get. All because he is just being a 'man'.

The sad part of this situation is that he refuses to get help. And as a wife and friend I am trying to avoid the guilt of ending this marriage. I guess at some point i will get pissed off enough not to care.

You're right, it is sad and worse. It is tragic that he would sooner see the break-up of his most important relationship than face up to his own fears. That is, of course, assuming that the relationship is that important to him anymore. Have you just ever asked him what it is that he fears? When he tells you that it isn't anything to do with that, just calmly and gently tell him that it is, that it is obvious that it is. You could, of course, call him a big wuss, but I wouldn't expect too much from doing that.

When his male pride trumps his responsibilities to your marriage then you are right for feeling lower in his priority list than you should be. He needs to get help, if he won't then he is stating clearly where his priorities lie. Empathy is a great thing in a healthy relationship where both partners practise it.

Um, no you have too much empathy, and he's been abusing it by not makign "any effort to get help". <br />
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Please feel free to read many, many stories on here, you are far from alone<br />
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(my ex was also ex-military - that does not give anyone a pass on not seeking help when it devastates those around them)