Throwing Myself At A Wall

I have been trying to gain enough courage to talk to my husband about our lack of intimacy issues. I don't know why but I just don't want to hurt his feelings. I would rather stand by in silence than hurt his feelings. I don't know why, I guess I am just a people pleaser.
Tonight we went to see a movie and when we got home I almost instantly got undressed down to practically nothing in front of my husband. He played along for a second but then got up. I coaxed him back toward me by asking for a back rub then after turned around and tried to take his pants off to get things going. He couldn't pull them back up fast enough. I threw myself at him and his excuse was that it was too hot to have sex.
When I told him it was an excuse, that he could bring the fan in, he said it would still be to hot. He came toward me and tried to kiss me. I turned my head away and said it was too hot Then I became honest and said I would be crying myself to sleep tonight. Which I have been the last few days he has rejected me in some way or another. He took it as a joke and laughed as he was walking away.
I have looked into marriage counseling and want to do it. but before I can do that I need to somehow grow the balls to talk to him. I think part of the reason is that I wan to be prepared with what I am wanting to say. I don't want to go into a huge conversation and not be prepared.
I think what I am afraid of most is what would happen if our marriage broke and we went our separate ways. I have a house and I can't afford the upkeep without his help, but he has a car and I don't and it's the only way I get to work. I hate that my mind works the way that it does. Going through every scenario possible to try and figure out what the outcome would be. Even though the outcome wouldn't be anything like it.
Any advise or support would be greatly appreciated.
jessbell jessbell 22-25, F 7 Responses Aug 10, 2012

Your Response


Maybe he's having issues with getting hard and does not want any one to know! Or e could be low on the man hormone!

Good afternoon miss Jessbell,

Me and my former wife have been down this road, now rather messily getting towards divorce status.

I'll level with you, guys are quite straight forward people, the reason he did not screw you the minute your pants dropped is because after a long film he probably just wanted to go to bed. Potentially the film was boring and he was thinking of something other then great sex when the opportunity came.

I will say this, most men enjoy unwrapping the "sweet" them selves, it is one of the best bits in my opinion, if practiced correctly.

so, in hind-site there is one thing my wife and I failed to do..... now I will be single again I really miss it. We failed to connect. Don't take your man to a dark room, where you don't talk to him and watch other people live a fantasy (Cinema).

You must have connected with him in the past at some it again, keep doing, don't stop doing it, tease him with it, get involved, get crazy..... live with him a little or allot. Challenge him and to be honest most block would respond by mirroring you challenges! You will both have a bloody good time!

The problem with us blokes is when we are tired this little gestures are as meaninglessness as they are random. If you quiz him on the laughing he would not have an answer as he would not know he even did it. He will try to think of something tactful to say and that would look worse, then you'll argue. Instead shrug it off! .... If it did **** you off, wait till morning, get a cold glass of water ready ... and pour it on his crotch while he sleeps in the morning, then laugh your *** off! Jump on him and tell him that you love him.... and he screams like girl.

As for the assets ... if and when push comes to shove, trust me it all get carved up with such a clinical accuracy that all you can do it look sadly in to space as the law separates you. I don't want any of you to go through this! Trust me here, it's not the way.

Best of luck to you young lady,

kind regards

He laugh as he walked away!!!!! Dump him----He don't care about your feelings and thats a sign of disrespect----its over

There is a lot of fish in the sea----don't waist your time with this one

If you are worried about talking about this with him, it's either because (1) something in your past means you have difficulty asking for things for yourself or (2) he is ACTIVELY pushing you away or making your life difficult when you DO ask for things (i.e., he is the problem).

If it's 1., you have to pull up your big girl panties and DEAL to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

It's it's 2., your marriage may well be doomed - keep reading here - this would indicate you have a fundamental communication breakdown, probably passive-aggressive behaviour on his part, etc.

Either way, time to "grow a pair" and take back control of YOUR life.

Oh Jess. I don't know what your background is that has got you to where you are, what challenges you have had to deal with before you married. I am guessing it isn't good and turning back the clock to supportive parents or whatever is just out of the question.

You are lookinf at the 'what-if' and not liking what you see one little bit, maybe becuase you fear it, or becuase it is distasteful or even depressing.

However, you are asking yourself the wrong questions and I suspect you know you are asking yourself the wrong questions. That is what "growing the balls" is all about.

He's full of the flimiest excuses, dealt out at the drop of the hat; so isn't prepared to face himself. Will he do counselling with good faith under those circumstances? I should doubt it.

I have no idea why he laughed at you at that moment, it would depend on the exact circumstances. He was maybe just being out-and-out cruel or maybe he was just trying to laugh off his own absolute excruitiating embarrassment, who knows.

He is not ready to deal with this in a mature fashion and maybe he will never be in a position to do that. That is the real prospect you have to deal with.

I can't help but feel that you have to tell him that you both need to sort this thing out between you, no matter how you actually do it. If you can't then you would be entitled to tell him that you have no future together.

I really understand how you feel. Yesterday, my wife and I were both off from work. When we woke up, I tried to hold her in my arms. She told me she did not have time for this. She then told me all the things she had to do. What she really was telling me was everything else she has to do was more important than giving me any time and attention. Unloading and loading the dishwasher was more important than spending time with me. This makes me feel like crap and destroys my self-esteem.

Like you said, if it was to hot to have sex you could have brought a fan into the room. This minor obstacle can be easily resolved if your partner wanted to have sex. Your spouse and my spouse for what ever reason do not want to give us the time, attention and affection that we want and deserve. They will always have an excuse why they cannot do it. We do not have any priority in there lives. It is an unfortunate reality that once a person becomes a refuser they will always become a refuser. Seldom will they change.

There will be no easy way to discuss this situation in detail with your husband. He most likely become defensive and say the problem is with you and not him. You might try to say when you (fill in the blank) I feel (fill in the blank). That approach is non-threatening. You are not accusing him directly of anything. Even if you use these statements, there is no guarantee that this will result in a calm and rational discussion. Be prepared to be made the one that is causing the problem. He will make it seem like it is your fault not his. There is just no easy way to handle this.

I wish you well. Keep us posted on how well this goes.

You don't want to raise the questions - because you already 'know' the answers.

That is perfectly understandable.

If you can pretend you don't know the answers, then you can justify your position that you 'don't know'. This phase of the process is called "denial" and is a useful tool to enable you to bear an unbearable situation.

But "denial" has a finite shelf life, and the realisation that your marriage is in deep - probably terminal - dysfunction starts bubbling to the surface with more and more insistence. Like in your earlier story.

Two key choices face you now (and many many many more later).

1 - stay in denial and attempt to supress the issue for as long as possible into the future.

2 - embrace the reality of your situation and start the hard arduous journey through it.

No-one gets a pass on choice.


Tread your own path.