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Feeling Is There Something Wrong With Me !

I have been in a sexless marriage for 21 years....have had meaniningful sex three times and yes...have fallen pregnant three times. Yes I do get horny a lot and yes sometimes I must look like I am enjoying myself as my husband puts me in my place. I am too scared to leave, do not have enough money to walk away. I think that is how he holds onto me, he knows that I was in love with him when we married. Would really like to understand how other women cope ? How do you get the courage or the money to walk away, I have hit my forties, think I am still attractive.
MareeLouise MareeLouise 36-40 8 Responses Aug 10, 2012

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Im in a similar situation but we have no kids I dont have the money to leave but am saving up your post makes me feel that I am capleable of leave and even though I dont know you I am proud of you for doing what you have to do. I hope I can in the near future thanks.

I know exactly how you feel- what is wrong with me? I have been married 35 years and have reached the end, but the confusing thing is I still love my husband. He doesn't initiate any contact with me; conversation, sex, hugging, kissing... nothing at all. We sleep in seperate rooms and have for 4 years. But yet he says he loves me. I am done- at the end of my rope. I am waiting 2 months and then leaving. Selling my part of the family business and possibly leaving town. it will kill me to leave my grandchildren, but what good am I to them like this? I cry all the time, sit in my bedroom when I am at home and try not to be home as much as I can. I am a shell of the person I really am.<br />
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But unlike you I know I am not attractive, I have had no other man ever look AT me, they always look through me. So I know my future will be solitary.<br />
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I wish you luck and happiness in the future. Please do something before you get to the point I am.

I 'coped' for 14 years and then I left. <br />
It starts with information and knowledge. You need to find out what your position will be in a divorce. See a lawyer and get the information you need. <br />
@mvcmvc has summed it up wonderfully. Focus on yourself now. The marriage is over and has been for a long time. Stop trying to fix it. You didn't break it and YOU can't fix it. <br />
The only thing you can change is yourself and your dynamic in this.

"I have hit my forties, think I am still attractive."<br />
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Maree. I think it is awful to say this but you make it sound as if you have prostituted yourself to this man. And he has and is taking full advantage of this.<br />
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Your self-worth is all bound up in attracting a man who will support you, look after you, and in my admittedly very personal opinion this is just all wrong, wrong, wrong.<br />
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I don't know about other men but what attracts me to a woman is that she offers herself, not her body. Bodies, both male and female come and go and no matter what your preferences there are an awful lot to choose from.<br />
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Sure there needs to be an initial attraction but once you get beyond that what really attracts me is that you are an interesting person and that you are interested in me. Does that sound too trite, cliched?<br />
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Do you know what would make you interesting to me, without knowing the first think about you, about whether you are attractive? That you are an independent person who doesn't actually need me, or any other man, but that you still wanted me. Now, that is ATTRACTIVE, becuase it is flattering.<br />
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How about giving yourself time? How about becoming a mature student and seeking a career that can make you financially independent? How about becoming you, rather than an adjunct to some miserable, controlling and pathetic ne'er-do-well?

-----"Would really like to understand how other women cope ?"<br />
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You cope by taking a hard look at your situation, from a logistic perspective. You cope by not pouring any more energy into a defunct marriage. You cope by telling yourself that there is a way to get to living a higher quality of life, and it starts by gathering information, getting educated - and by reducing the unknowns. You STOP thinking about your married life and START to think about what is best for YOU and YOUR future.<br />
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Look at yourself. Do you need more education? Do you need to get your finances in order? Do you need to seek legal counsel? Do you need to get counselling?<br />
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What do YOU need to do to improve yourself?<br />
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Forget the husband, forget his needs, forget what he wants, forget all of that. None of that matters now. Think of yourself as solo - how you would you cope if your husband died? That could happen too!<br />
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You somehow need to see yourself as an autonomous person - and take action to get to that point - regardless of relationship status!<br />
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Now, what do you need to do here?

Brilliant.

Fantastic comment!

You don't necessarily have to see a lawyer straight off if that's too scary. Find a women's advocacy group or something similar to find out what a typical position would be. It won't be your answer, but it might take the scary edge off enough to get to the next step.

That's a step I personally have to take as well.

I know how you feel... I have been married for 34yrs and I can honestly say my first 20yrs was great. but after my husband took his heart and eyes off of me everything has gone down hill...I don't know why I'm still here, taking the verbal abuse hurts so bad, I've done everything to try to please my husband and yet he's still a jerk, won't kiss me hold me make love to me, or even say I love you. A woman knows in her heart when the love/thrill is gone. we deserve better. my dream has always been to be loved cherished treated like a woman should be .not like a dog/slave.. that;s how I feel. I have 3 wonderful sons who are all married and have children of their own.thank God they are nothing like their father. I can say by the Grace of God I survived.....you have to get up and do things for you and take care of you. and honey 40's is still young I'm passed you and I feel great, take care of you! try do be one step ahead of him at all times. my husband is cheating on me, I just need proof but when I do I'm gone. hope and pray your life gets better:)

Jurisdiction dependent, your financial position as a divorced woman may well be a whole lot better than you think. For example, in my jurisdiction, you'd be looking at half of the total net assets as a ba<x>se line. Plus maybe some level of child support. Plus maybe some spousal support.<br />
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It is not unusual for a spouse to fill your head with bullshit about what you'd be entitled to.<br />
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The only way you are going to establish what the shake out of a divorce in your jurisdiction would be is, obviously, to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction. So that would be a smart thing to do as a matter of some priority. It's amazing how much courage you'll find within yourself if the financial sums fall in your favour.<br />
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At this stage, you need information. From that, you can formulate an exit strategy. If it looks like a theoretical goer, you knock it into do-able shape. If necessary, you do it.<br />
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Tread your own path.

True Baz... If a refusing spouse has found out that divorce leaves him/her impoverished then they are not going to advertise that fact!