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So Good To Find Out That I Am Not Alone!

I have been 18 months without sex or any other intimacy. I moved into the spare bedroom about 1 year ago. I thought that I would feel better if I felt like it was my choice, like maybe I was in control of this situation. We have been married for 11 years and honestly the sex became pretty sporadic about 4 years in. I feel I have tried everything. I have not encountered this before in a long term relationship. I will say that this situation is reeking havoc on my self esteem. I have not been able to talk to anyone about this and I was psyched to find this website today. I looked through a few stories and felt a little better. Sometimes I am OK with the situation...I am not interested in anyone else. My husband is a good man, but he has no interest in sex, or figuring out why he has no interest. When I moved out of our bedroom, he barely even commented. I do not believe that we will find any real passion at this time or in the future. So the thing I am pondering is should I just ride out this situation, I am not uncomfortable in my home. Or should I leave, I have a great job and resources so that is not the issue....and when should I leave. I am looking for a sign. We also have one teenage child who is well adjusted and not blind to what is going on. I am interested in hearing from people who had had similar expereinces. Also open to hearing from people on the other side of the coin.
fixinme fixinme 51-55, F 7 Responses Aug 11, 2012

Your Response


I think if you have moved to another bedroom it's a nail in the coffin of marriage..just my opinion..i am probably doing the same...

My husband and I have had sex twice since December 2010. He has no interest in sex, or any other type of intimacy, at all. No touch, no snuggling, no love. There is no love in our marriage. <br />
I moved him out of my bedroom into his own about 6 months ago. It has made life infinitely better, because he no longer lays in the living room floor all the time avoiding coming to bed for fear that I might try and kiss him goodnight. <br />
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I'm 26, very attractive, and a good wife by all standards. He isn't having an affair, and he isn't gay, he just doesn't desire sex, and he doesn't love me enough to visit doctors to delve into why. <br />
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We have two children who are young, and I have no formal education. He makes a comfortably living, so I stay. I am unhappy, and I want to leave, but I am simply not in a position to do so right now. <br />
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You are! Go! Go go go! (I wish I could.)<br />
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Even if you say you are okay with the situation some days, I would wager that it is affecting you on a daily basis whether you notice it or not. Living with a man that doesn't desire you, that doesn't show love... in my experience, it seems to suck the life out of my entire house. <br />
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I recently began searching online for stories from other women in sexless marriages. I can completely relate to the relief and general emotion at discovering that we aren't alone. <br />
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I figure I will leave eventually, myself. But, its going to be a long and hard road for me. I have to gain a marketable skill, and work up the courage to support my children and myself financially. <br />
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Whatever you decide to do, I wish you happiness.

Thankyouthankyouthankyou..Our situations are similar and you are right..even though sometimes I am OK..really I probably not overall. I wish you luck.

I would like to recommend the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." She talks a lot about signs and making "pro & con" lists about whether to leave or stay. It may help you gain some clarity. <br />
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Aside from that, it seems that so many of us stay because we have to due to financial constraints, children, and other obligations. If you are comfortable and don't wish to have another relationship, staying might be a good option for you, but what about your husband? Maybe HE would like to have another relationship.

Thanks for the recommendation..I will look for it. I wonder sometimes if he is interested in another relationship...I have been looking for some indication. Ultimately I wish happiness for both of us. Sometime I think we are waiting to see who is going to be the bad guy who disrupts our lives.

Are you and your husband able to have heart-to-heart conversations? I know that I have a very hard time opening up to my husband, and I'm not sure why. But it sounds like the two of you need to have a pretty serious conversation and establish what each person wants and needs from this marriage.

I would think the sign would be when you've been without sex for 12 months. You're way past that now. That you've elected to to move out of the bedroom yourself is telling.<br />
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Have you done all of the usual stuff to prove that is isn't you? You know, get fit, improve your wardrobe, be your own self? Did something happen which triggered the loss of romance, or was is a long slow decline?<br />
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Whatever happened, after 18 months of no sex, the odds of getting things back together are very slim. Life really is short. You don't want to live in a sexless marriage any longer than you have to.

I am athletic and healthy...I think I have a great wardobe...of course that is my opinion..I really appreciated your post.

See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you.<br />
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NOTE - the above does NOT say "rush out and get a divorce" - it says get some facts about that as an option.<br />
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You have great (and unpleasant) knowledge about living in a dysfunctional marriage as a choice. You need some knowledge about the other option which is how to NOT live in a dysfunctional marriage.<br />
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Then, armed with the relevant facts, you choose.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Maybe you should try to resolve it with all your energy and give 100% and if it still doesn't work, maybe ask yourself if it's worth it to split. Too many people rush to divorce but marriage is a valuable thing and if the love is there than maybe you should work it out or atleast try. Who knows maybe the intimacy will end up being even better as you've worked through a lot! Talk to a counselor first (with him!!) before you even consider divorce. Maybe he's just depressed and feels he can't talk about it with you.

If it makes you feel any better i have been taking care of my son and have not been any relationship with anyone cause i build a wall and two i didnt want my son to think that just cause we split up daddy is with different women and it is ok for me to do it...i gave everything i had and took care of my son.......yes i missed that someone special but i am sure when time is right i will meet her......